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Old 12-28-2014, 10:09 PM   #1
King Ra.
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Default WK11: Vulgar (6-3) vs. UnbornBuddha (6-3) -- UnbornBuddha wins 5-0

AOWL Season IV, Week 11


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Saturday, January 4th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Tuesday, January 6th, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here.



Good luck. @Vulgar @UnbornBuddha

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Old 01-03-2015, 07:03 PM   #2
Vulgar
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Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people. - Carl Jung.


An ore is inside of us that can't be excavated
can't be tapped into... can't be replicated
Disregard the gold mines and what this land's been estimated
to possess - our soul's depth in post death is set to raid it
Loot its contents, extract the virulent substances
cause iron and tungsten are both violent customers
to come to terms with, numb from burn pits
Most can't posit a molded posture from a coal deposit
Once we're home, we may resume our thrones but the fumes that roam are toxic;
The whole synopsis is lucid: choke or hospice
Humans are fickle negotiators. Even if you max in at full
you'll have a bone to pick, and an axe in your back or your skull
Invertebrates encase internal marshes - sabbaticals ushered
We're so cautious when we walk with our masses of brothers
it's like that uneasy feeling you get when entering a capitol suburb
in contrast to survival instinct driven suspicion Neanderthal's might've suffered

Last edited by Vulgar; 01-04-2015 at 01:17 AM.
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Old 01-04-2015, 03:13 AM   #3
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Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.

"The Avatar expectorates absolution on his Executioner"

Circa B.C.

I'm a believer I told Jesus, but I still have this crucifixion job
A mere minion of the state, so about that forgiveness stuff
I hope you can mutter my own as I fracture & nail your tibia God.
After all, your limbs might be stuck but not your pristine jaw
The receptacle of the tissues of God, an infallible spiritual tongue
Where antedeluvian liquids are drawn, saliva as pure as syrup & rum
Shower me with unconditional love, but instead you expel a sickening cough
& spit on me blood! Show me any sign of divinity, anything, even pixie dust!
Let miracles come, until then I must inflict on you misery's touch

Oh lord,
Heal my visceral wrongs, ignorant thoughts, & unbearable itchy crotch
I can configure the cross, ease your pain from the prison your hung
Just reveal to me your not a religious nut spouting biblical law,
Vestigial fibs riddled with superstitious talk of fictitious floods
See, I specialize in hellish pain, gibbets, saws, & impalement stakes
I've welt and chained many helpless slaves, mental impairment awaits

Egad!
That gob of blood you discharged became the most surreal angelic rain
Streaming into me the Virgin Mary's psychedelic face, heaven's gaze.

Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 01-04-2015 at 03:24 AM.
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:01 AM   #4
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V - Not sure about this one but I'll say what I gathered. I didn't get the deeper message to be honest. To me, this verse was you simply saying random shit about humanity in general. You tossed in the Neanderthal line in the end to sort of sum it up in a sense, slight attempt to bring it full circle as to say, "look how far we've come", ironically I suppose?? There was some decent lines spaced about, but in pure truth, I just am not a big fan of this verse. Regardless of that fact being because it went over my head or not, I've never been a huge fan of placing humanity on Petri dish as a muse.

Buddha - Opening line was extremely captivating for me, did not like the re-use of the name GOD so closely together in the opening 4 lines. I liked the word usage and a nearly fragmented sentence structure. Hard to explain, but the powerful imagery was backed by the shortened lines with in lines because you could fit so much into them... Example..."Shower me with unconditional love, but instead you expel a sickening cough
& spit on me blood! Show me any sign of divinity, anything, even pixie dust! "...What I mean is how this reads like more then just one bar because of the amount of subject matter squeezed into it. 16, err, 17 line battles seems to fit your skill a bit better in this case. I don't see the evil in humanity though, rather the writer only. either way, easy win for you here in my eyes.

I've welt and chained many helpless slaves, mental impairment awaits


Voting buddha

More impactful writing.
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:30 AM   #5
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This battle is hard to call, both caught me off guard, and both ended in ways I didn't connect with.

Vulgar, verbose. You hit hard with your opening. The multi arrangement was dope, and the wording was clear. You quickly escalated the vocab level, which lent urgency to the read through, anticipation of how these concepts would gel. The choke or hospice line was jarring tho, hard to assemble into the whole, and the verse went that direction til the close. The topic just dissolved into the wording and became harder to grasp.

UnbornBuddha, visceral. You wrote a much more relatable piece, in terms of word choice and topic use. The elevated grammar didn't once become too wordy or vague. I like this style from you, focused, irreverent, picky. Like you didn't just try to conjure a vision with words, but actually showed it. The end (like a lot of us this week) was the weak point, because the verse wouldn't have naturally concluded there with the narrative you began.

Vote @UnbornBuddha for his clarity mostly. Vulgar had some amazing lines, but the gist of it all was unclear.
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Old 01-06-2015, 01:12 PM   #6
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lmfao @ egad. haven't seen that shit since sonic comic books. MVGT Buddha. I thought his verse was clear and creative. Vulgar brought some cool complexity but I just wasn't feeling the tenuous connection between mining ore and mining the depths of one's own soul. Mining is bad though. If the earth were a week old, humans arrived 3 seconds before midnight, christ came 1/4th of a second b4 midnight, and the industrial revolution began 1/40th of one second before midnight. Need to find alternatives. Read Tales of the Archdruid by John McPhee, good book.

V/ unborn
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Old 01-06-2015, 04:50 PM   #7
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Complete opposites this week. Vulgar wrote a verse I liked, without laying out his standard of creativity. Buddhas verse I didnt really enjoy as a verse, but I did take to the angle and creativity. There's something off on the mechanical side of buddhas verse, I just cant pin point it - the wording is doesn't fit, somehow. Vulgars verse reads beautifully but was hard to get into. This was a dope match up though and I hated voting on it.

vote buddha
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Old 01-08-2015, 02:24 AM   #8
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Vulgar: This verse seemed way out of character for you, but I thought about it and realized I haven't read much of your writing lately. My apologies for that. Anyway, the rhymes were pretty forced throughout, the vocabulary was toned down a bit but still slipping through the cracks and the allusions were replaced with metaphors, similarly obscure but less unique. In short: I wasn't really feeling it, fam.

UnbornBuddha: I really liked the concept here, though the execution needed to be smoothed out a bit. Your writing kind of beats along and accomplishes what it needs to do without ever becoming gripping or memorable, especially in storytelling mode. But it's good to see you cutting out sideways arcs in favor of the direct path, and humanizing the person who killed Jesus was clever and a worthwhile approach on this topic.

Vote: UnbornBuddha
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