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Old 10-13-2014, 05:32 AM   #1
King Ra.
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Default W3: Three-Planes-Aligned (0-1) vs. patrown (0-1) -- 3PA Flawless 4-0

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: I feel like I'm too busy writing history to read it.


Good luck. @Three-Planes-Aligned @patrown

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Last edited by Adonis; 10-20-2014 at 01:21 AM.
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Old 10-13-2014, 02:21 PM   #2
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"The Pay of Bigs"

John The Enterprise: offering chemicals
hawking delectables - mind-altering spectacles
in the form of lozenges, powders, drops and injectables
- an incredible selection of quality medicine
His charges were skeptical; found him largely unbearable:
an overcharging, detestable, demonic oppressor of
the market - with his far-reaching tentacles,
manifest paranoia and uncountable sentinels
He found their revolt indegestible - so did his sponsors
- this could see an ubiquitous spirit of permissiveness prosper
These prodigal renegades were filching their dollars
- and he should litterally have them submitting in collars
or he would be distinctly dishonored - so he opted to regulate
with a not-so-merry band of powerful heavyweights
that quickly set out to doggedly generate
- a plot for revenge a la a novel by Hemingway

The Bay of Pigs: lambs to slaughter
to war cries of McCarthy's loudmouth maxim/gospel
The radicals fast installment made matters daunting
- permitting whatever drastic doctrine to have Castro toppled
Americans of note sporting fancy garments
aghast and startled by this expansive problem
with sensible propensities and bankroll on'em
- remembering the enchanting aura of the Havana brothels
called for action - prompting answers
- more than paltry sanctions against these asshole commies
Plus the Cuban casinos were immaculate shadow markets;
spots for gangsters to have their dirty cashflow laundered
Players with their act in concert and a lack of options
- made a culinary clusterfuck in a blackened cauldron;
a fragmentary gathering of expatriated adversaries;
a rabid, reactionary, callous squadron


Boatfuls of hopeful raving troopers
bravely set sail for Cuba in a crazy stupor...


John rose from the floor having prayed in muteness
because either by blade or voodoo he would attain his future
he had a point to prove and fools to foil
- so he joined his crew of disdainful shooters...

...due to a time zone misreckoning, their framed maneuver
had no American air support, so enraged and fuming
they engaged in a futile, flailing duel
- that was incongruent to the initial fateful blueprint
The campaign was useless; vain and foolish
- and the revolutionaries dealt with their inane intruders...


...John ran upon their meth lab like a baneful ruler
of a medieval kingdom with a flaming banner
only higher ups had his henchmen betray their super
- to leave him in a house of pain so fashioned as a disgraceful standard

Last edited by Three-Planes-Aligned; 10-13-2014 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 10-18-2014, 01:42 AM   #3
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it was a hard life for the Bauers in their farm house,
but they remained proud as most Germans did,
learned to live on little, took no more than they'd give,
Lars grew quick to be the biggest kid on the block,
top of his class and quick to throw fists rather than talk,
his mother sewed their clothes while father sowed his seed,
each with their own clothing printed with their names to read..
he didn't need to explain his need to join the forces when the foreign swarms hit,
simply formed into the caste his needs dictated,
skipped chasin tail and moved to set sail with the powers that be,
left a taste in the mouth sour, but it seemed,
to erase his need to be someone besides himself,
and in the depths he delved.. off the continents shelf..
when bombs dropped from above he held onto memories he loved,
guiding thoughts with bullets through skulls of each victim,
his conscription led through each depiction of hell he embodied,
and he led it oddly enough, to the best of his abilities,
seeking tranquility in each tank shells explosion,
he sunk deeper into his own hell, their erosion..
dug deep inside his mind while he resided in France,
by chance caught hint of the local resistance,
that filled shelters with a lover Lisa had known,
with his own rounds that hit and shattered their home,
a friend gathered the known items from inside their lair,
passed a piece of fabric to him, it's meaning leading to despair,
Lisa Bauer read the name inscripted on it's bottom half,
dotted with blood from ones they'd killed, only a rotten laugh,
before he lost himself.. seeking violence in every moment,
he's placed on the Eastern front to unleash his begotten components,
they choked on their own blood, withered and died,
while the snake of the demons he owned slithered inside,
the mind can only take so much, most figure with pride,
but Lars kept going, throwing his fist into dead faces,
dead in most places, stabbing flesh with every last forgotten breath,
he stopped and slept.. in a farmhouse from the time of Napolean,
under foreign control again, done paying it's toll for men,
when Lars awoken next, to a letter long left in his breast pocket,
he read words his sister wrote from home, their crest on top it..
as the cold stopped his heart and he saw the sun through a sodden roof..
spreading light onto the truth he held so close, yet so far from himself,
"Lars, I helped your enemy for a time, but headed home at the first chance,
please come back, we need your strong hand,"
was read as his own uncurled, and the letter dropped silently to the land..

Last edited by asylum; 10-18-2014 at 02:13 AM.
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Old 10-19-2014, 01:51 PM   #4
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Three-Planes-Aligned: I found myself more engaged by the drug-dealer story line than the Bay of Pigs one, even as a history buff. You tried to do a lot here with the parallel stories, and it worked to a degree, with the transitions between the stories smoothed out by the continued rhyming. But I do think that you could have dialed down on the Bay of Pigs and given us more to fully identify with the characters in the main story line. Part of that is my own familiarity with the Bay of Pigs invasion, which I'm sure other members are less familiar with. I didn't need the back story. The rhyming was, of course, outstanding, and the writing was tight. But what impressed me here was the concept; you hit the topic perfectly and handled it maturely. I just wanted more about John.

asylum: This was really good for something you shot off at the last minute, but it also showed many of the signs of not being fully thought-through. You didn't develop the relationship between Lars (bad name choice, too) and Lisa well enough early on, so that when she first was mentioned it was unclear who she was. That cut into the emotional impact of the ending. You also got a bit generic in the middle section in describing war. Maybe that's because I've never cared much for war movies or writing, but I didn't find that section as impactful as it perhaps could have been. But I liked the natural writer's voice, just telling the story, even as it led to some bumps in the rhyming and occasional awkward turns of phrase. The story was kept clear, which is valued. This battle was much closer than I expected. I just didn't think you did as much, particularly with the topic, as your opponent here.

Vote: Three-Planes-Aligned
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Old 10-19-2014, 02:44 PM   #5
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3PA - Technically speaking, you went off here. It was berserk in that way, although I did find the pacing a little dull here. The rhyme schemes, spaciousness and overall use of the topic were stellar. I've read verses from you where I'm being taken on an underground rollercoaster and exposed to whatever deadly minerals flounder in the air, while maintaining an atmosphere of excitement. In this case, the detail was densely focused, but my focus was less acute than normal.

patrown - This was a decent take on the theme, I think you're improving at tackling a time period and a setting confidently. This had moments of nice depiction, for example when you provide a small detail like the sunlight through a sodden roof, it goes a long way in a war story. I thought you might've went further into the background of the man and the woman but you chose to keep it general. Overall, your wording and schemes aren't fully there yet. The cinematographic aspect is there.

My vote goes to 3PA.
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Old 10-19-2014, 03:52 PM   #6
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Patrown I really liked this verse. Happy to see the elevation. Storytelling, vocab, delivery have all improved immensely. In time you will be top tier, with slight twerks (lol) to vocab, delivery, and j adding more elements of surprise.

3pa Fav verse I've read so far this season (although I've probably only read a quarter total so far). Not much to critique, excellent rhyming creativity and delivery

v/ 3pa
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Old 10-20-2014, 12:03 AM   #7
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3PA leads 3-0
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Old 10-20-2014, 12:20 AM   #8
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I will commence with the comment that I enjoyed asylum's story more. It piqued my interest, and grabbed my sphere of awareness in a more compendious and comprehensive way. However, it was simplistic in its delivery. Three plane's back and forth became a bit unaccountable. By which I mean, the relativity to the reader became eschewed by the dysfunctional disparity of the two time periods. Although, the divergence contributed to thematically forwarding the story there was a glitch in the hinge that serves as the axis, the pivot that makes the transition between the two shifts in narratives become coherent. I cannot exactly put my finger on what it is, but if I had to guess it will be the hoary notion of oppressive regimes being linked to the tyrannical hierarchy akin to the drug empire. While true it becomes oppressive to the atmosphere of methodical and sequential progression. And perhaps due to my drowsiness it is not so, but perhaps the methodical transition, the thought process that interwove this two stories is off.

Yet, I cannot neglect the greater craftsmanship that three planes aligned showed. Thus my vote goes to
Three-planes-alligned.

Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 10-20-2014 at 12:23 AM.
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