Goofy.

e11even · 09-17-2013, 05:11 AM

Tune ups... elevation, no buttons. celebrations, vacations no frontin. palputations calculated, they love us.

behold, lest it be gold- accessories sold separately, yet they fuck us. no numbers, lest they be hoe's, then tic tac to the toes, these ho niggas turn suckas.

all that is a dream tho. lived glimpses, dismembered rememberances, lived feet first while my inner devils inched in. won W's til they L'd, laughing at how she clenched it, drenchin... shit... tissue couldn't soak it all in, so I struggle to forget this pinchin mistress.

tenchi type tension, they booties coochies... never a fan of rurouni kinship. fuck em. I had shares til they dropped, now I possess a purpose til the service of courtship wit these harpes stops.

and that would be wat exacted grief in this lasting peace... having back what these bastards lack but still nabbed from ME...

the gearbox is set... one shift in his seat n' that vapid faggot's next. eggin his vehicle in traffic with the offspring from a dragon's nest. the neck of his back's what I'm draggin next. let an ass laugh out his vapid flesh...
one spaz, he'll procrastinate, ponderin on witch hat gets grabbed when I exact his death...

spell-bound... u forced to play... til its anything other than hell down, one fell round will spell clowns like that small moment of victory u dwell within when u well wound.

you goofy.

Wise Wiggles · 09-17-2013, 07:49 AM

different, yet kind of cool. stay active.

e11even · 09-17-2013, 02:50 PM

appreciate it.

Certain · 09-20-2013, 01:06 AM

This felt a bit fractured, perhaps because of the presentation more than the words. But there was a lot to really like. The loose collection of thoughts and unstructured rhymes will fit in well here. I liked this most:

Quote:

all that is a dream tho. lived glimpses, dismembered rememberances, lived feet first while my inner devils inched in. won W's til they L'd, laughing at how she clenched it, drenchin... shit... tissue couldn't soak it all in, so I struggle to forget this pinchin mistress.

The Art of Writing League will be an interesting challenge for you, as you'll be asked to stay more on a single topic. This being the only thing I've read by you, it seems unfair to say I know your style.

e11even · 09-20-2013, 01:53 AM

thanks for the feed. a man of your word.

Kaeo Seru · 09-20-2013, 08:47 AM

not feeling the structure of this. and the wording seems almost random. like you found half written bars and collected them together and tried to collage them. felt too random with the lack of focus. some decent rhyming here and there. but the delivery suffered. I see gems that can be polished and stand on their own as a centerpiece for something more. i do look forward to reading more from you

Zen · 09-20-2013, 08:54 AM

and that would be wat exacted grief in this lasting peace... having back what these bastards lack but still nabbed from ME...
^^Pretty dope there I thought.

The way you set it up at first glance made me not wanna read this but I'm glad I did. Some pretty good shit. Flowed well with some great swag and flow peppered throughout. Keep droppin man. Looking forward to seein what you do in the AOWL.

Fig · 09-20-2013, 06:47 PM

Sounds like a social critique on the players persona

but it's likely I'm off, this is pretty vague. I like the style, and I think you could do more with it. Just give us some more context. Tune up, elevation, no buttons. That feels so empty. The middle regions were better but make a greater attempt with your introduction. That's all

e11even · 09-20-2013, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaeo Seru

not feeling the structure of this. and the wording seems almost random. like you found half written bars and collected them together and tried to collage them. felt too random with the lack of focus. some decent rhyming here and there. but the delivery suffered. I see gems that can be polished and stand on their own as a centerpiece for something more. i do look forward to reading more from you

I brainstormed this piece. Getting my feet wet. Thank you for the feed!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenland

and that would be wat exacted grief in this lasting peace... having back what these bastards lack but still nabbed from ME...
^^Pretty dope there I thought.

The way you set it up at first glance made me not wanna read this but I'm glad I did. Some pretty good shit. Flowed well with some great swag and flow peppered throughout. Keep droppin man. Looking forward to seein what you do in the AOWL.

Thats wassup. I look forward to reading more of your joints as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fig

Sounds like a social critique on the players persona

but it's likely I'm off, this is pretty vague. I like the style, and I think you could do more with it. Just give us some more context. Tune up, elevation, no buttons. That feels so empty. The middle regions were better but make a greater attempt with your introduction. That's all

My personality is faithful to my name, which can help and hurt my writing at times. Greatly appreciate the feed.

Dope girl · 09-21-2013, 11:54 AM

dope verse, missing more creativity, flow, complexity, Worded, & Vocabs, Work on those you'll be good .

09-17-2013, 05:11 AM	#1
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	Goofy. Tune ups... elevation, no buttons. celebrations, vacations no frontin. palputations calculated, they love us. behold, lest it be gold- accessories sold separately, yet they fuck us. no numbers, lest they be hoe's, then tic tac to the toes, these ho niggas turn suckas. all that is a dream tho. lived glimpses, dismembered rememberances, lived feet first while my inner devils inched in. won W's til they L'd, laughing at how she clenched it, drenchin... shit... tissue couldn't soak it all in, so I struggle to forget this pinchin mistress. tenchi type tension, they booties coochies... never a fan of rurouni kinship. fuck em. I had shares til they dropped, now I possess a purpose til the service of courtship wit these harpes stops. and that would be wat exacted grief in this lasting peace... having back what these bastards lack but still nabbed from ME... the gearbox is set... one shift in his seat n' that vapid faggot's next. eggin his vehicle in traffic with the offspring from a dragon's nest. the neck of his back's what I'm draggin next. let an ass laugh out his vapid flesh... one spaz, he'll procrastinate, ponderin on witch hat gets grabbed when I exact his death... spell-bound... u forced to play... til its anything other than hell down, one fell round will spell clowns like that small moment of victory u dwell within when u well wound. you goofy.

09-17-2013, 07:49 AM	#2
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,507 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788019	different, yet kind of cool. stay active. __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

09-20-2013, 01:53 AM	#5
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	thanks for the feed. a man of your word. __________________ Ahem.

09-20-2013, 08:47 AM	#6
Kaeo Seru Keeper Of The Fresh Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Mayhem Gardens Posts: 84 Rep Power: 33	not feeling the structure of this. and the wording seems almost random. like you found half written bars and collected them together and tried to collage them. felt too random with the lack of focus. some decent rhyming here and there. but the delivery suffered. I see gems that can be polished and stand on their own as a centerpiece for something more. i do look forward to reading more from you __________________

09-20-2013, 06:47 PM	#8
Fig Om Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 6,473 Battle Record: 8-16 Rep Power: 84181559	Sounds like a social critique on the players persona but it's likely I'm off, this is pretty vague. I like the style, and I think you could do more with it. Just give us some more context. Tune up, elevation, no buttons. That feels so empty. The middle regions were better but make a greater attempt with your introduction. That's all __________________ BIRDHORSE 8-15

09-17-2013, 02:50 PM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	appreciate it.

09-20-2013, 08:54 AM	#7
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	and that would be wat exacted grief in this lasting peace... having back what these bastards lack but still nabbed from ME... ^^Pretty dope there I thought. The way you set it up at first glance made me not wanna read this but I'm glad I did. Some pretty good shit. Flowed well with some great swag and flow peppered throughout. Keep droppin man. Looking forward to seein what you do in the AOWL.

09-21-2013, 11:54 AM	#10
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,706 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521416	dope verse, missing more creativity, flow, complexity, Worded, & Vocabs, Work on those you'll be good .