Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Vault > Archives > The Netcees archive > Netcees Writers League: Season 1 > Archives

User Tag List

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-06-2018, 11:22 PM   #1
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default Exis vs Razah[RAZAH WINS]

NWL:Season I: Week VII



Verses ares due: FRIDAY(next week) at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.



TOPIC:

FREE TOPIC THIS WEEK

@Exis @Razah

Last edited by Inno; 12-18-2018 at 12:12 PM.
Inno is offline  
Old 12-07-2018, 03:41 PM   #2
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328542
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

Word.
Razah is offline  
Old 12-07-2018, 10:20 PM   #3
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

Check...I'll probably go like 20 bro.
Exis is offline  
Old 12-09-2018, 01:49 AM   #4
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

Ayo,

I believe in signs
Before her son one day came up, we'd never met nor smiled
We probably wouldn't of ever chatted if her child hadn't made that bee like line
This girl said she in some domestic violence type thing
& she doesn't know what to do
Where to start, how to think?
Breaks my heart, every beat
Every raised hand can take one's breath,
But too erase an Angel's pulse potentially
Just didn't sit well...
So I went above & beyond, completely outta my way
Hopin' she'd totally get a wake up call by me eventually,
Genuinely givin' her help,
Instead of thinkin' of me as some typical ass nigga that's only there for themselves
Yet I got deleted,
Nothin' like gettin' someone out of a situation like that & you is no longer needed
The feelin' is squeamish, I want all heavin' off limits
Those signs I mentioned @ the beginnin'
I won't believe when I'm finished...
So disappointed she disappeared when we were closer than most,
Maybe got too engaged on some lesser things & on me she chose to elope?
Yet broke away from what's right,
Went back to what's previously wrong & got all fatally knifed...

Why?
Exis is offline  
Old 12-14-2018, 03:40 PM   #5
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328542
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

The root of my problems, I tried to branch out but these black clouds linger
Open palm stretched out but her hate makes for clamped down fingers
She expresses sorrow- She hopes to escape her past
I watched a tear drop drip and turn to mist on a blade of grass
- The amount of angst built suddenly crumbled
I tried to run from the rubble but I was crush and & I buckled
I feel the passion between us, I hope the fire is real
I lust for this lunacy , it's like I had my desires fulfilled
- I asked her: Do you breathe for me? Take a breath, please
To the root of my problems, I look forward to the day I spread seeds.
Razah is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 08:12 AM   #6
Maximus
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 923
Battle Record: 25-26


Champed
- NBL Cypher

Rep Power: 11169469
Maximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant futureMaximus has a brilliant future
Default

Im going with Razah here, shorter verse but wording was clean and imagery was strong, loved the mist/blade of grass line. the overall verse was definitely more cohesive than Exis'. Exis i did follow your story but it wasn't neatly coupled and your wording was off in so many places with long-winded lines, try cutting off some irrelevant words and you'll be fine.
V/Razah
Maximus is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 08:18 AM   #7
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

Gracias...your just not catchin' the scheme bro, 1 zip...can we plz get some more votes?

Thanks for votin' @Maximus.
Exis is offline  
Old 12-17-2018, 06:32 PM   #8
Master Rock
Steadily Lurking
 
Master Rock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond your reach
Posts: 1,326
Battle Record: 7-7


Champed
- Netcees Writers League

Rep Power: 5599637
Master Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant future
Default

Exis I understood your story but I felt it was an odd scheme. The story was powerful but it didn't flow effortlessly, the format clustered the stream. Razah, your opening lines brought a powerful impact and concept wise I was feeling the connection to the nature/nurture theme. I especially like how you closed it with a connection to the beginning. In the middle of you verse your wording was a bit off which took me away from the flow. But overall you had a stronger verse, therefore I'm giving this to Razah.
__________________

https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/
https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

Last edited by Master Rock; 12-17-2018 at 06:41 PM.
Master Rock is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+