Untitled

[JustRap]

Verse 1:
You discussed the disgust, the distrust would then crush
All the love that we rushed, it combusts and it sucks
Cause I'm fucked in my head, can't get up from my bed
I am stuck on the edge thinking up what was said
On the line, on the fence, I've been wedged
In between this intense, fight in me, lie to me
Tried to be over you, finally, in the end
I don't sleep, breathe, or eat, no relief so I bleed
From this pen, from this heart, we just need to restart
Make amends for our parts, maybe we leave the dark
Reignite that old spark, let me in and you'll see
Baby please try to think to the start jump and laugh
Trampoline, member that, guess that's not coming back
Can't believe where we're at, you and I, ride or die
Fuck that dream and the thought, memories paint the scene
While I scream to the gods, no reply, what a shock
And I squeeze take a drink, hope I die from the shot

Hook:
Take a sip of your mood, while I'm eclipsed by the moon
I wipe my sleeve on the bed, while I bleed with regret
I'm defined by my heart, that we need to reset
So I bleed and tear myself apart until there's no me
To upset..


Verse 2:
Hit my pride, quite a lot, get denied, cry and rot
From my side I have tried, all the pain amplified
By the things I have eyed, the exchange of the snide
The estranged feelings bind, all these chains in my mind
Such a slave to the love that I'm blind to the signs
All the nights we would fight, all the time that was stole
The big hole that we dug, there's no soul to console
I guess I was slow to show the damage I hold..
Growing manic and cold, and god damn it I know
Half is my fault but the past has evolved to assault
The future with wrath until the path is absolved
Of the demons we have, I'm dreaming that you can
So we can rekindle the Joy's and find meaning again

Hook:
Take a sip of your mood, while I'm eclipsed by the moon
I wipe my sleeve on the bed, while I bleed with regret
I'm defined by my heart, that we need to reset
So I bleed and tear myself apart until there's no me
To upset..

[Diablo]

Originally Posted by JustRap

it sucks

[CursewerdZ]

This would be a dope audio

[Pakistani Hand Cannon]

Originally Posted by CursewerdZ

This would be a dope audio

@pharoaharmyorwhateverthefuckyournameis

you rap other peoples shit, so dopely, no?

[Pharaohs Army]

One time in my life on my first recording ever, with cheap bad equipment.

I've progressed since then, as you've heard.

Regarding this piece, I think the beggining is very strong and smooth but it regresses a bit from then on, the hook being a bit trite, etc. IMO.

That being said, it doesn't suck. It's better than a bunch of open mics.
I think the writer is a good rhymer and will improve in the flow department with future pieces. By that I mean there are smooth areas, but then one clunky word or line can break up the flow in some spots.

Probably the most common subject matter which may have affected my post here.
Not saying you can't write about love and heartbreak, but it has to be engaging and creative.
Not taking anything away from the author, he could probably criticize me for writing about drugs.


Good potential
Cause I'm fucked in my head, can't get up from my bed
Simple smooth rhymes such as this can be the foundation for a good piece
I'd prefer if this line was in the hook area.

Any other questions or concerns @Packistani Grandstanding?