Visions 4

[Mitch]

One day I recognized my fear,
I thought I might never change and accept it as it is.
I thought about what I would be like in 5 years.
"Would all my pain had veered away?
Will I grab the wheel and steer away from clear decay?
I care for my family a lot but can they see the plot?
Can they help me before the band burns out and stops?"
Candidly I blocked it off, the thought was wrong.
"I should just let life slide into place like the candles hot."
So i forgot, what I was, what I had done wrong,
and all the pauses, where I stopped for a second and said,
"Mitch what are you doing? You're Moving?
Just because you're doing something doesn't mean your moving upward.
Progressing?! You're just pushing luck up a hill
until you hit the top and topple still.
Your only god is procrastination, narcissistic salutations,
Shifting masks with other actors who laugh when naked."

One day I looked back 5 years,
and I remembered that one time i had tried to steer
away from the clear decay. I peered, I gazed, I feared
that I had yet to change. Accepted blame. Rejected day
light trying to find a halo in a lass. Lasso.
I let it pass slow, now life is like a latched door.
I only see the key through the peephole.
Concealed my evil with a minimalistic approach
to features in this sinners own inner conflicted show.
Considerate when you least expect,
then I balance, a polar practice without a swept regret.
The symptoms show. And I give less shit with every bigger bowl.

[veritas]

This ain't bad man. A few of the wordings i didn't like. Alot of the words i did. The concepts overall are poignant and effective and testify of life experience. Good drop sir.

[Vulgar]

^Good feedback, going to agree with Veritas in a general way. I liked the honesty in the beginning. It reminded me of how grounded a person is translating to how wise they are about life. It read like you had a mini-epiphany and wanted to record your thoughts and platitudes before they vanished into "clear decay." Interesting wording there.

I let it pass slow, now life is like a latched door.
I only see the key through the peephole.
^The second line is dope. I think you should expand on that into another piece.

@Mitch

[theMuzzl3]

This was really bad ass IMO.

I like how you looked ahead, tried to stray from faults…
then looked back, and accepted blame.

I really like this part:

"I peered, I gazed, I feared
that I had yet to change. Accepted blame. Rejected day
light trying to find a halo in a lass. Lasso."

I think the rhyming schemes didn't matter so much, since there was a good storyline and topic portrayed, very clearly.

I'm given a thumbs up.

[PancakeBrah]

"I only see the key through the peephole."

Best line.

I've read some of your paragraph pieces when you first started posting here. Didn't leave feedback but thought those were pretty good. This was a little worse, I think. As a rule, I'm not a huge fan of first person narratives unless you find a really strong voice. This was personal, though, so it's fine. I think your wording was a little standard and the rhymes were a bit less complex than I remember from those aforementioned pieces. I liked the second half a bit more than the first. A lot of your wording here was generic for a piece like this, I think. Not bad wording, per se, but nothing unique. You've written better but there's nothing garishly wrong about this drop.