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Old 03-24-2020, 04:57 AM   #1
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Default GWL WK 2: Candy vs Clutbuck (CLUTBUCK WINS)


GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


GTL WK2: @Candy (0-0) vs @Clutbuck (0-0)

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Check-in due Wednesday UK time. Verses due Friday. Votes due Sunday.

Topic:
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Old 03-24-2020, 05:27 AM   #2
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Old 03-24-2020, 10:08 AM   #3
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The Bridge of Apathy
..

within foreign footsteps murmured amidst the mist
whisper horse grins pushed with hermits last wish to fish
my grip on the saddle is handled with blisters dipped
these knuckles bridal the strap sinking in
as i trot across the rot that wraps from post to nose
the scent symmetrically bends the planks back soaked
grass embeds the bed of the shores steps with each splash
i holster a blade shaved from the most evil past cast
and yet all i beg for is the unmount and some food
knowing from the violence i silence could remove
my path is open for some sleep needed for days
i'm at the door as i holla with intent of humble pain
deafness then the breaking of the soft wooden frame
its lowered with a flow of good evening and change
we get to the stable from famine still feeble near drowned
bound to the fable i built for myself in this day of clouds
the subtle winds embrace my body when sat at their table
feasts fit for kings shall bring myelf to sit unhandled
the dwarfs giggle and chuckle of times i have not lived
if your soul is unmentioned it dies in the tails gived
so before i nap i cast an "I once.. to the pack
inside i am proud still with this death price on my back
it stops the mere talking maybe it was of stature
i place my hand to my blade prepared for rapture
when a succubus while near unconscious flaunts her breasts
dances by feet, hypnotizing my matter of facts at best
when i realize i'm paralyzed from the horse ride
she somberly states "i've been waiting to avenge my pride"
i had held the dwarf village in pillage for a year by blood
and now as she sits on my face my breath dies in lust
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Last edited by Candy; 03-24-2020 at 10:25 AM.
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Old 03-26-2020, 09:51 AM   #4
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Old 03-27-2020, 06:59 AM   #5
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I waited for him.
The warmth in my eyes transformed into ice.
The ill-fated horseman came toward us as sure as the sky
would fall into night soon. Its stygian pitch kissing his skin
while luring the rider into the grip of its distant abyss.
The whistling winds carried uncertainty.
Sang with a shrill clamorous chill
that bit at the fingers of the man at the hilt saddled with guilt.
The blood of massacred villagers lay on his hands. Fading to black
like our past never will, staining them sanguine. Tainting the track
taken with tragedy. The blood sweat and tears of good men that feared
the upset and unrest they were subjects to here.
Mud-drenched footsteps come nearer.
A cricking c.acophony of clippety-clop
rhythmically plodded; sounding his death-rattle at every brick thick with moss on the bridge as he crossed.
I sit and I watch,
waiting in shadow to take him to task.
Blade in my hand. Fingers of frost. Glacial the glance.
They came at a canter,
just to be brought to a halt by what they saw as they balked —
a sauntering sultress so sordidly sculpted, all she wore was impulse.
The Lorelei’s lull is used to take your soul and make them whole
but the moral is that those who cross the bridge,
must pay the toll.

Last edited by Clutbuck; 03-27-2020 at 10:08 AM.
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Old 03-27-2020, 10:09 AM   #6
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It won’t let me post the word c.acophony without censoring it for some reason. Very odd indeed. I’ll leave it like that, it’s not a typo.
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Old 03-27-2020, 12:08 PM   #7
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Good little battle here.

Candy, as I said, respect for the quick post and it was a solid verse although I was having a little trouble following along with the story you were trying to tell. Kinda felt all over the place. Just needed a little more focus. Stay true to the picture you're given.

Clutbuck, (what's up with that name lol) I really enjoyed your verse. The story was cool and I loved the little bits of alliteration you sprinkled in there. That's something I havent seen often here so I definitely appreciated it. I felt you really nailed the essence of this topic and it just felt... right. Like your text was meant for the picture... which is the ultimate goal.

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Old 03-27-2020, 12:47 PM   #8
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This battle was like a clash of mass vocabulary and vivid imagery. I second Universe as i thought Candy had his high points but i think he got so lost in the essence of his visualization that telling a coherent story got put into the backseat here, kind of hard to follow. The detail and rhyme schemes were on point but the story just wasn't told the way it could have potentially been told. Also the end with the succubus attack gave me mixed feelings especially the "sitting on my face" line just really didn't feel like it belonged. Okay drop nonetheless.

Clutbuck on the other hand, kept his story steadily progressing while giving us a good amount of details and visuals, schemes were dope too. I also liked the alteration you put in here as well and enjoyed your closing lines, wrapped up well for me. Overall think Candy tried to do too much and let Clut squeeze by him here. Decent battle

V/Clutbuck
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Old 03-27-2020, 02:38 PM   #9
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Thanks for the feedback, guys.

I am the woman who he described in his verse, the ‘succubus’ he references, in mine. I wasn’t sure if either of you got that so thought I would mention it.

Nice showing @Candy, I owed you one.
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Old 03-27-2020, 11:35 PM   #10
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real talk @Clutbuck
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Old 03-29-2020, 05:01 PM   #11
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Candy- “within foreign footsteps murmured amidst the mist
whisper horse grins pushed with hermits last wish to fish
my grip on the saddle is handled with blisters dipped
these knuckles bridal the strap sinking in
as i trot across the rot that wraps from post to nose
the scent symmetrically bends the planks back soaked” this was my favorite part of your verse. It also stayed close to the picture and the flow and imagery were best here. I got a little lost in what you were talking about in the chunk of it though. I think if you had kept up with these opening lines and description you would’ve edged this. The rest of the lines read awkward for me, and I had to read your piece over to see if I missed something but still couldn’t quite grasp it

Clutbuck- I’m on my phone so for some reason it’s not letting me copy and paste part of your verse the way I did Candy’s. But that whole “mud-drenched footsteps” through the “glacial the glance” was easily my favorite part of your verse. It accurately portrayed the picture and from an imagery standpoint, this was a strong section of your verse. The verbiage was smooth and beautiful to read through honestly. Good work

V/ clut
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Judging from those pics and the state you're in I've concluded with the fact that the world needs more Badi Alii's.
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Old 03-29-2020, 11:51 PM   #12
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***ophony

Sorry had to test that. So weird lol
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Judging from those pics and the state you're in I've concluded with the fact that the world needs more Badi Alii's.
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Old 04-01-2020, 07:24 PM   #13
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Clutbuck wins 3-0
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