12-12-2017, 10:10 PM | #1 |
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Week III: Mr. J vs Objective[OBJ WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59 Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59 Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Mr. J @Objective Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 12-29-2017 at 09:07 PM. |
12-13-2017, 01:47 AM | #2 |
The Clown Prince
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there's little else to hope for, aside from this moment
Carbonated soft drinks rest on the dinner tray table. try to fix the reception when I move those grey cables. better storytellers that can spin a great fable. bring the wine out, crumbling that Gorgonzola. catch that process quick, start going raw on sofas some sort of sorcerer that leaves honey in a trance when microwaved the snack gets runny & damn... whats that smell bae? like...is your health straight. you know it felt great, but you know what else..eh? never mind the consequence, some say its a common thing. your stature goes from confident & then sort of sinks.. you swore the drinks the did the thing, then the weed. but this is the third time early into the second week. you get dressed & think that this is some sort of mental thing. but now you worried that somehow you underperforming. how is this possible? whats gone wrong with this poor thing... thoughts race every second now you feeling like Space Jam the feelings of inferiority sink in, sex life of the Jason mask. how to stay on track becomes an everyday outcome. now you answer ads sent specifically to your email companies that swear by their product to please females the details seem to real to be true so why not? where can I correct this path that Im on? Can I better my situation by this one simple trick? the reviewers claim that it works with little risk. a few days go by & now you feel like you ready to perform but you should have paid attention & studied the form. if the pill is taken daily you dont succumb to seizures no...for 48 hours you are going to suffer from diarrhea getting laid is getting harder to do aint that some shit?
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12-17-2017, 11:57 AM | #3 |
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“Perspective from your broken heart”
A stable environment isn't where my fire went, I was eight when sanity left for early retirement. My requirement for comfort IS stacked with hate and profanity, violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity. The fundamental support was for sport but that was normality, a calamity of sorts that high wired me to a fake sense of reality. I state my mind angrily from the wits of hard to find anguish, as emotions resemble anarchy the result of bad parenting is what I brandish. Ready to fight any night as a sick/mean bitch-king at sixteen, I don't hit queens or pre-teens ......... (that shit was HIS thing.) Unless my wrists are observed I'm hardly reserved, I make sure any pervs or the nerds get the words they deserve. With a rep to preserve I got nerves to protect my living image, this world is too bold & with respect to uphold I'm being timid. If I'm consistent and cold I'll survive by staying persistent with resistance to judgment & nothing to lose cus I'm already distant. For instance I got dues to my friends that are playing pretend, like; ''I got your backs (... for bucks)''. We just aim our defense right, and lack of trust is just that for us. I'm playing my cards but faking is hard, my ego is breaking, I'm aching and scarred. I'm taking it far yet my peers keep raising the bar, are they outpacing or racing by hazing the star? Got caught raging and flaking to rake in the tar, so I'm staging the baiting and wait from afar. ... Shit, he sees me and exits the poor excuse of a car: ''You got weed or a hit you could borrow, or nah?'' It's kind of bizarre but I charge with my might, and look at the scene after winning the fight. He coughs up some blood and wipes off the mud, yells: ''what the fuck cus', I thought we were buds!'' Calms down for a second and gets off his buzz, he's too tired to fight so I guess that's a plus. ''I know 'bout your past but look what you did, you're so insecure you beat me for joking and shit. You're too broken for this and a friend I will miss, but is this what I get from taking your piss?'' I'm holding back tears but can't state my regret, if I clear out my fears I'm knee deep in debt. I turn my back to walk and try to stay strong, my play was all wrong but life will go on...
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 12-17-2017 at 12:06 PM. |
12-24-2017, 09:29 PM | #4 |
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This was a cool clash of two topical veterans, some cool lines and J came with the usual odd sort of humor that he brings...I thought Mr.J developed a character decently, sort of leaving a lot to the imagination but I got the sense of a lost soul running through life's emotional ups and downs with some skill and fulfillment in the moment, but accompanied by a sort of recklessness that doesn't bode well for long term health and happiness on the death bed. It was a cool read, I felt some lines were out of place and random such as the sex life of a jason mask. I don't get it, just seemed a bit weird but overall it was signature Mr. J and I enjoyed reading a piece from a topical veteran after so much time away from netcees personally.
Objective you could really see your thought process at work here just from your prior general discussion posts and topical chat posts. It seemed to me like the character was a hyperbolic form of your own self to an extent, with some moments and details that accentuate some flows and lines of life which your particular life reflects. I could see the sort of tension in the psyche between goodness and cynicism, that cynicism being, to an extent, a sort of safeguard against the recklessness and cynicism of others. The psychosis starting as a child thing was pretty cool, reminded me of James Bond cuz I just watched skyfall. The exchange with your friend at the end didn't strike me as dialogue that would occur in a real life situation but it did explain the state of such a situation pretty well. I thought both of you guys could've ended it on a bit of a stronger note, you both started strong and ended with a little less umph. However I did enjoy both pieces and would like to point out favorite lines from both J: never mind the consequence, some say its a common thing. your stature goes from confident & then sort of sinks.. you swore the drinks the did the thing, then the weed. but this is the third time early into the second week. It's the psychology of a laissez-faire dharma bum living in the moment and I like the raw masculine power of that. It's something that's always to be admired for what it is, whether or not you're in that stage of life, looking up to it as a goal, or with a smile in the rearview mirror Objective: A stable environment isn't where my fire went, I was eight when sanity left for early retirement. My requirement for comfort IS stacked with hate and profanity, violence and vanity mixed with lack of faith in humanity. The fundamental support was for sport but that was normality, a calamity of sorts that high wired me to a fake sense of reality. I state my mind angrily from the wits of hard to find anguish, as emotions resemble anarchy the result of bad parenting is what I brandish. This was my favorite section of your verse, although I felt the fundamental support line was a little off. I like this because it's the experience of so many human beings and I think you capture the key notes to that experience with the paragraph. I'm not really one for grammar, spelling, past--pluperfect and all that stupid bullshit, but I get the feeling that despite being written in first person there was a sort of touch of the omniscient narrative in it as you describe understanding the basic mechanics behind being "high wired for a fake sense of reality" (great line imho) your character is still grappling with the trace of moving mentally in a particularly narrow and perhaps perverse perspective at a young age. Despite knowing this, much of your character's actions are still rooted in the "fake sense of reality", but he is mentally struggling to break free of that (crying at the end after punching his friend). Nice piece imo a lot to bite into here... In the end I thought both came with pretty cool peices, I thought you could both be a little more consistent and word things more precisely at times but all in all it was a cool read. This time I think Objective fleshed out his character a little more and therefore he gets my vote...thanks for the read fellas, always a pleasure. V/ Obj
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12-25-2017, 08:15 AM | #5 |
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lmao I've already PM'd my vote to Inno
are we not doing that anymore? |
12-28-2017, 08:22 AM | #6 | |||||||||||
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Mr. J
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As a whole I think your verse is very fluid. You don't have much filler. You had good detailing and imagery. The humor was there. The concept was original (erectile dysfunction, smh) and the angst that your character endured was believable. imo, your only drawback was that your mechanics didn't really offer any thrills. The scheme you used was a safe one and sometimes your flow was a little lacklustered. Nice verse though. I enjoyed reading it. Objective Quote:
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Okay, so, I was obviously a fan of your writing style. Your flow was butter the entire read. It flowed so well that I was able to go from start to finish without hardly having to stop and take a breath. imo, the only think you could of had more of is imagery. You had a suitable amount in the end, but the rest of the verse was lacking in that department. Had you incorporated more visuals, while still keeping the same level of flow complexity, this piece would have been legendary. As it stands... it was still pretty damn dope. Vote -- Objective Reason: I think both of you guys shined where the other lacked. Mr. J had a highly original story full of great details and imagery. But, his flow -- although well paced and constructed -- wasn't as consistent as his opponent's was. I think what tipped the scales in Objective's favor was how impressive his mechanics were. He had a good story. Not as desctiptive as J's, but still entertaing and on par. When you couple that with the technique he displayed it kind of edges things in his column. At least for me it did. This was a really fun battle. A clash of two heavyweights, where the real winner was the reader. |
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12-29-2017, 09:05 PM | #7 | |||||||
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@Diablo for the sake of the league I guess not lol.
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12-29-2017, 09:05 PM | #8 | |
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