Everything

Mr. J · 08-03-2013, 10:13 PM

Blacked out...hung up in the noose I pulled back out
got my wrists slit, as I kick it...that's when I pass out...
then I come to, it felt like someone had just rushed through...
someone saved me, and thankfully they weren't here...
it's dumb to save someone whose expectations were clear...
we're here for reason right...so whatever you seen tonight
make sure to keep it quiet...and keep in mind...
the next time you'll see me die...so please don't revive me
let me die silently...no need to save a wretch like me...
I'm tryna be...the sane one, the same one who would pick up...
then hang up, I guess words never made sense in this uh...
soiree...sorry for the hiccup, the show is just proceeding
picking up speed and going to continue through the evening
evening the score for me, of course we'll see from up top
in the corner seats...where everything will jump off...

YDK · 08-03-2013, 11:15 PM

This was dope bro would make a hell of a verse for audio if you could get a good hook n another verse or two. I wish it was longer honestly cuz it left me wanting to here more of the story. The flow was on point and the imagery was crisp. Good shit my dude keep droppin

Split · 08-24-2013, 02:01 AM

Up

Geno · 08-26-2013, 09:25 PM

this dragged out quite a bit. you ok bro? sound pretty desperate here, and your writing was way off... kinda as if you were writing this cause you really feel this way and didnt give a fuck about how it turned out. hit me if you need anything. p.m. box is always open

1

Fig · 08-26-2013, 09:46 PM

As Genocide expressed this sounds pretty sincere in its morbidity, which makes me timid to feed it. Maybe that's just good writing on your part. I feel like your diction gets mistaken as being simplistic, I think it's more concise than anything. Those first 4 lines were a great set up for the dark tone of the piece, but honestly I feel like the second half lost focus. I liked soiree /sorry bit, that was nice, but the pick up and this uh rhyme wasn't doing it for me. Seemed lazy tbh. This does feel like it would translate well to audio though... hmmm

anyways yeah, dark piece here. Very emotionally packed. Thanks for the read.

08-03-2013, 10:13 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Everything Blacked out...hung up in the noose I pulled back out got my wrists slit, as I kick it...that's when I pass out... then I come to, it felt like someone had just rushed through... someone saved me, and thankfully they weren't here... it's dumb to save someone whose expectations were clear... we're here for reason right...so whatever you seen tonight make sure to keep it quiet...and keep in mind... the next time you'll see me die...so please don't revive me let me die silently...no need to save a wretch like me... I'm tryna be...the sane one, the same one who would pick up... then hang up, I guess words never made sense in this uh... soiree...sorry for the hiccup, the show is just proceeding picking up speed and going to continue through the evening evening the score for me, of course we'll see from up top in the corner seats...where everything will jump off... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

08-03-2013, 11:15 PM	#2
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,564 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181109	This was dope bro would make a hell of a verse for audio if you could get a good hook n another verse or two. I wish it was longer honestly cuz it left me wanting to here more of the story. The flow was on point and the imagery was crisp. Good shit my dude keep droppin __________________

08-24-2013, 02:01 AM	#3
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	Up __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

08-26-2013, 09:25 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	this dragged out quite a bit. you ok bro? sound pretty desperate here, and your writing was way off... kinda as if you were writing this cause you really feel this way and didnt give a fuck about how it turned out. hit me if you need anything. p.m. box is always open 1 __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

08-26-2013, 09:46 PM	#5
Fig Om Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 6,473 Battle Record: 8-16 Rep Power: 84181559	As Genocide expressed this sounds pretty sincere in its morbidity, which makes me timid to feed it. Maybe that's just good writing on your part. I feel like your diction gets mistaken as being simplistic, I think it's more concise than anything. Those first 4 lines were a great set up for the dark tone of the piece, but honestly I feel like the second half lost focus. I liked soiree /sorry bit, that was nice, but the pick up and this uh rhyme wasn't doing it for me. Seemed lazy tbh. This does feel like it would translate well to audio though... hmmm anyways yeah, dark piece here. Very emotionally packed. Thanks for the read. __________________ BIRDHORSE 8-15