Week 11: Adverse vs Breathless [ADVERSE 4-0]

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:


Good luck to both participants.
@Adverse (4-1) @breathless (4-3)

[Adverse]

Round One.

I shield my eyes, a spotlight unveiling the ring ahead of me
The scowls and glares from the audience members is heavenly
Nothing makes me feel more at home than negativity
As I climb through the ropes, the suspense is killin' me
Who's my opponent? What's the purpose of this event
Inspecting my surroundings, sensing murderous intent
I stand in wait sensing the calamity at hand...
Two black masses oppose me, handicapped, tag team match
Look over to my friends hopeless on the sidelines like "it's happenin' again..."
I'm brought back to the battle when the battery begins
I stumble back as a straight jab lands across my chin
The crowds chatter and their laughter then commence
Four fists flying furiously leaves me in a blizzard of punches
Ribs being punished, squintin with every hit to the stomach
I fall to the canvas, painting it with my sweat and blood
A self portrait, spelling out regret with the flood...
Before I through the towel and call it quits, my conscious callin' in
Reanalyzing the fight, trying to find a way possible to win
Then it hit me..One is inevitable, one can't exist without the other
So it's a love/hate relationship, always bickerin' like brothers
Right before the ref calls the match I hobble back to my feet
You've beat on me my whole life this time I won't be handed defeat!
Laughing out loud as I know their strategy now!
Gasps from the crowd who was cheering when I was being smacked around
They know I ain't backing down...
Swiftly stepping around punches waiting to seize an attack
No way they'll catch me Breathless I'm too seasoned for that!
Defending like Mayweather as I patiently withdraw
As soon as Crisis leans in for a punch BANG hay maker to the jaw
He tumbles, folded over, Mayham glaring at me SHOCKED..
I grin, walking towards him, It's transparent that he's lost
I grab his feeble collar, hanging him over the ring, astonished
"How did you manage to not only defeat, but BODY us!?"
I laugh, it's obvious, Mayham can't exist without a Crisis
So simply, I isolated you both, until the perfect time for strikin'
I toss him out the ring and say "scram", hoist the championship belt
The fans who boo'd the entire match are now cheering, I laugh to myself
But that won't be the end it, hopefully there's still some fight in me
Next week i'll be defending the belt from depression and anxiety...

[breathless]

It feels like, back when I started I had so much to say
my only option was the track of an artist, but now, the flow runs the same
I'll do this rap shit regardless of the fame
it's only for the love of the game

But fuck it, I've got nothing but disgust for these lames
Somehow, one hit wonders have become common household names
That's just one problem that's outgrown the grain on the down low
and it's a low down shame.

Right now I, might explode any moment
Feeling overloaded being emotionless on the outside
I've found my, motive for holding on, but, no one knows
these notions aren't real, I'm just going through the motions, God,

How am I supposed to be in control of each and every single lost broken thought?
If I could just find that fine line between the timeless infinity
And choke off the need for this primal divinity
Then I can keep in mind peace while my rivals begin to die in the streets

…sure to be forgotten of, but you gotta love it
A lot of what was something ends up brushed under rugs
lumped together with stuff that becomes nothing to us, well, before you're too sure…
ancient creatures sank to the seafloor and fell all the way to the future

It's the moment my muse returned, no control over who's concerned
with losing their turn, it's the movement,
I've earned this, I know it, but I hope it don't work against
the current I've been floating in, frozen in the turbulence

Composed amidst the urgent explosive whims I've been told to resist
But I'm holding my fist closed, I'm this close to exposing an open palm
Yet I suppose I won't, because overall
at the most I'll only fold my hands and build another broken wall

Until this enclosure falls, I'll fill myself full of compulsive flaws
that no one's saw but me, it's my own damn fault
It's okay though, I've grown too calm and complacent
I can't stay through the long haul and make any moves

'Cause what if it's the wrong one, or nothing in my songs come true?
What if what I thought was the small stuff grows strong once involved and it really is the awful truth?
That'd be awesome dude

[Adonis]

B - First thoughts, I dig the flow. It reminds me of some old hip-hop, gave me that vibe anyways. I like that "Low Down Dirty Shame" reference. In third stanza I feel like you went rogue with apostrophes. I don't what you were going for but you def chopped the flow because of it, I didn't like it. OK, so the direction you took, that stereotypical "save hip-hop/what it used to be" concept, it is what it is. We've all penned this at some point so that won't be overlooked in the originality swing vote. Not only that, but you began talking about rap now a days and quickly transitioned to dead in the streets which for me, took away that personal element you could have infused instead of a bit of fictional work. Solid reading in all, the commas messed some of own timing up, but I can't truly fault you for that.

A-D - "Throw" ... "Four Fists Fly Furious" *Thumbs Up*. You know, just before that alliteration I deleted a comment about, at times, you dumb down individual line make up to better build a story using simple, single syllable end rhymes, then you threw that at me though. "a possible way to win" sounded off in your context. Personal shit though I'm sure. I liked the finished concept though, the verse would have been better suited if you scraped the beginning and went "all-in" on the ring action playing up the "emotions" as tangible angle. Either way, solid verse that had it's hiccups for sure, but held it's on as far as flow, imagery and creativity.


v/Adverse

Better concept and execution IMO

[Artifice]

Adverse

I really dug what you did conceptually here. Personifying two elements into one to create a 'physical' enemy, and the ending w/ the set-up for the next battle... dope. Narrative-wise I felt like it slipped a little near the middle, but it picked up again about 2/3 in. I liked the way you snuck in your opponent's name into the verse, it worked given your plot and didn't feel out of place. One minor thing, it's 'throw' in the towel, not 'through'... other than that, pretty solid work here.


Breathless

I like the way it's broken into quartets. Flow is unique, I remember you talking about how you like to experiment with different arrangements and schemes in one of mags a few weeks ago, and from your last few pieces I see what you mean. This was cool. I felt like as it got a little more conceptual about half-way through it became a little harder to follow. For example, while I dig the 'ancient sea creatures' line I don't really get how it fits in... it's got cool imagery in and it grabs the reader, but I feel like there's not much behind it really. That being said the next quartet I thought was really neat.


Overall I enjoyed both and they're two very different types of verses... overall I just think Adverse took it with a superior concept.

v/ Adverse

[Razah]

Adverse, solid verse man. I really enjoyed the twist at the end. It seemed like a typical story about a boxing match, but the way you threw emotions as your opponents, that was cool. Solid verse, I felt the rhyming could've been a bit better in certain parts, but I'm starting to become a fan of your story telling. It's not mind blowing per say, I just enjoy it because it's something that's not really my forte. Good shit though.

PS: Using an opponent's name in the verse as a little 'sneak diss' is my thing, you biter.

Breathless, I'm not sure how I feel about the verse. I didn't dislike it, but I really didn't like it either. Hmm. I don't know what it is that's rubbing me the wrong way. Maybe it's the rhythym I got from the piece?

I dunno, really couldn't tell you. I liked how it was different from the last verse I read from you, rhyming wise, and how it was broken down into a pair of couplets, that made the read very smooth, but still... there's something about it that really didn't make it stand out for me. With that being said, Im'a have to give this to Adverse for the more enjoyable read.

vAdverse

[asylum]

Adverse, your beggning was pretty good but you really stared heating up halfway thru. Dropping breathless name was dope tho, respect. Wasn’t really feeling “feeble” collar, idk. That stuck out to me. At times this piece feels like a statement about our inner struggle, between our good and bad sides. Dope piece.
Breath this was a cool piece bro, I enjoyed it. Not usually a fan of line breaks but you were all over the place so I’m not mad about it. I appreciate your participation G, I do. But I’ve read some really developed , well thought out pieces from you before. If this was one of them, I’m sorry it went over my head. But anything you write is enjoyable, so I appreciate your effort and enjoyed the read.
/v adverse for a better take on the topic.