02-16-2016, 09:40 AM | #1 |
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Diffy vs Zen
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02-16-2016, 10:00 AM | #2 |
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Hi.
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02-16-2016, 10:33 AM | #3 |
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Check.
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02-19-2016, 08:59 PM | #4 |
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The Magician The corner, selling sodas "Would you like some ice cream added?" Little girl, I'd like a float but — I have to fight the habit I've kicked a whole bunch I think I'll kindly pass, then." "Would you buy me a soda? This is where I have to keep my cash, if Any of it doesn't show up Every two cents is two more lashes" "Little girl — I have no money for soda All I have is magic If you close your eyes and hope, just Maybe an object will come through my hat then" And they laughed, and laughed so much You could almost sense the passion Though no one had ever known of The man who did the magic "Little Girl! Little Girl! Do you still sell ice cream?" On that same corner, she replied "What do you think? Sir, I'm nineteen" He sat there alone, then he cried Forced himself to think of nice things He points at his watch— "the time?" "It's three. Could I ask you to leave so kindly?" He cried, and he cried so much He could never kick his habits He never thought that she would grow up He'd often appear in flashes In the bar, pouring liquor He had made sure it was afternoon No one would be in there to hear her He would finally kick his habits soon Encouraging himself through a mirror His heart as empty as that room But strangely, he still feared her One glass, two people Her reflection was at the glass end In the air, there was an evil No one had ever matched it He looked at her, "she's feeble," He thought, said "looks like you have a habit" His voice as sharp as needles "You keep showing up, ya maggot!" "We'll see how you like this!" Then the sight of pistol flashes The only way without crime which He could finally kick his habit No one ever came to find him It was a product of what she imagined But when she revisits her vices.... She has to look at the little dead man The dead man who did the magic |
02-20-2016, 12:21 AM | #5 |
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Spider, play,
no, you're young. This hideaway is no fun. At this rate, you'll waste your life away in the mind-state of a no one. - Ask your mother if she's seen a sunset of her own. Surely, she will agree, and surely it wasn't at home. Children grow, and they get old. It'll happen if you say it won't. Tell your mother that you love her, and you'll be in before it gets cold. |
02-22-2016, 11:51 AM | #6 |
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Diffy - I liked this verse. Not as poetical, but the depth you provided made me have to read and Re read until I finally felt I grasped something. It seems the girl is also the magician, and when she drinks she becomes him. You mentioned quitting and a gun, but just before spoke of the reflection in the glass. Would have been slick if you fit in a concept about shaded glass and broken habits. But you went gun and death. Dope read though, liked it a lot. Felt dime rhymes were too easy and really not needed. I struggle with not rhyming, but I think your style could be better suited to break off from rhyming every so often, solid read though. I'll add that I think you under utilized the topic however.
Zen - very nice couplets and overall read. This is a true poem that flowed when it needed to, but didn't need to often if that makes sense. You made this a tough vote with far fewer words, so that is a testament to how good this poem really is. It's so simple yet contains a massive amount of meaning. Vote - very close in my eyes. Well I loved the concept of diffy, I thought the execution was just ok. Meanwhile, Zen had a simple concept but done as right as anyone can. A simple concept isn't always bad, I don't want you to take offense to that. In the end, zens execution and emotion he was able to convey got him my vote V Zen
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 02-22-2016 at 11:58 AM. |
02-22-2016, 12:18 PM | #7 |
death warmed over
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Okay well I preferred diffy's verse over zen...I thought zen was a bit to simple and really couldnt understand the meaning he was trying to get across whereas I enjoyed how diffy used the one drink two glasses concept especially because when a verse is as long as yours was its difficult to stay on topic the whole way through which u were able to execute so yeah my vote goes to diffy
Vote: diffy
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