03-22-2016, 06:15 AM | #1 |
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Week 4: Jesodist & Godcomplex vs. Adonis & Zee Dee (TIED
Season 6 Verses are due SATURDAY 3/26 11:59 PST Voting ends MONDAY 3/28 11:59 PST RULE Pick a story lead from the thread and include the number of the story lead along with your verse. VERSES MAY NOT EXCEED 64 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Story Leads: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.ph...811#post574811 Good luck to our participants. @JESODIST & @Godcomplex vs. @Adonis & @Zee Dee Last edited by asylum; 03-31-2016 at 03:23 AM. |
03-28-2016, 01:04 AM | #2 |
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Adonis
Topic: Write about something ugly — war, fear, hate, or cruelty–but find the beauty (silver lining) in it. Mark was a strange youth, socially awkward A comic book recluse with horrible posture At home within fiction - traversing a mind Lost in the caverns amiss of sunshine Two laces short of a set A pair of Jordans where Jumpman’s facing the left A screw or two loose in terms of emotion As he grew, so too his abusive devotion Started with ants but soon matured to a being This need of excitement stemmed from his dreams Reality infused imagination This young sprat grew in maturation Expanding tendencies to habits Where actions lay waste in malpractice One morning his demons opened the gates, Though he loved, he’d bring this evil down to his grave Mark watched her at the bar, tossing them back Already with DUI, she saw merit in walking her path So… Down a poorly lit alley she sang, jingling keys But he inched near too loud as she reached for some peace A single muzzle flash reflects off the walls Mark’s beating heart thumped down to a stall … Darkness devours Every speckle of light retreats in a cower I enter the scene; slithering silent A black cloak masking chivalrous violence “Mark, do you know who I am? Why, I’m that traveling wind Passing chills down a spine overpowering limbs Leaving hair raised, changing color to a powdery print I’m the Dark Knight, the Yang to what’s angelic The gavel of justice punching holes in your ballot We’ll have a swell time, but then again, time no longer exists Please, sit. Enjoy torture, my only real gift They say beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, so please, allow me your gaze as a coaster Your hands are covered in dirt Bodies buried as you muffled each smirk But now it’s your turn to be shoveling worth For century’s, each victim can cock back till your fucking nuts burst Most people assume I love slowly killing off souls Au Contraire, your life has earned you constant filling of polls I am death, destroyer of globes Sadistic; But I’m the silver lining exposed" |
03-28-2016, 01:07 AM | #3 |
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Buddha
Write about your body. Celestial mutant, bending spoons with other metahumans. No, the truth is I’m under duress from mental confusion I guess I’m distressed from being so pensive and stupid. Now, I suffer demented delusions because my heart is troubled. Somatizing my psychological struggles with carpal tunnel Just to be able to write I hack off muscle from these arms I’ve sculptured. Carnage ruptures, abscesses, but at least, my hands don’t feel so tense. Am I really flesh or am I something else. Is this just a silly test? Physical therapists couldn’t heal my legs. Everyday walking a little less. Being alive just to count the days toward a meaningless death. Sickly quest. The windy city has left Cred, deadman, and I with chilly necks, Cynical Illinois men due to not seeing sunshine for months on end. I’m sun obsessed. I love watching my girlfriend dance around in her summer dress. Writing about my perception of my body brings out dysmorphia. But, the flaws are as imaginary as a perfect Utopia. My body has a head, legs, and arms like Exodia. It’s magical how I could wake up and do things. Create the future, with movements based on fate or illusion. Contemplating the blueprint, yet unlocking my DNA seems fruitless. Insatiate by the rubric, I’m debating my ruin, deciding whether to begin embracing the crooked. Meditating on the nature of hubris. Virtue isn’t a sacred absolution. Look at me. An animal that never became tamed from evolution. Being a homo sapien with this kind of brain as an inclusion Does not make you or I better than any other species. But, maybe we are, yet pain is an attribution of our genius. The genesis of our genus began with our demons. Is the hand that I feed them with evil? The allusion from every feature of mine that is weakly and feeble The reason I mention them is so I can see my own ego. And decide whether it should be the life force that twiddles my fingers. Frostbite compromised my circulation. Raynaud’s left me crippled and hindered. Chicago winters are sinister and bitter. The remedy is ginger and liquor. But, adapting has turned me to a drinker with a sclerotic liver. In essence, I’m trying to find equilibrium as an inherently chaotic creature. |
03-28-2016, 06:01 PM | #4 |
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ZeeDonis, I thought the story line was quite impressive
you both created a character with his own perspective after the first half I gotta be real, I was kind of confused was it his subconscious in the end who was following through? ...after a second read I think Im starting to understand.. he was a representation of the loneliness in a man... would that make the woman death? what an interesting piece the blending of 2 styles makes the presentation...neat confusing at first but I think upon a second read Im catching on the development of the character is what threw me off... plus the ambiguity & tone is quite impressive fellas a perfect amount of work without being too overzealous... Buddha, I enjoyed your verse due to your grasp on your rhyming I think these different topics help with the styles you are trying of course you still retain your normal style which is mostly religious this time around you stepped out of that boundary & I saw the difference you are growing as a writer. this topic suited you because your approach is clean about halfway through though I felt that you went off subject nahmean? I dont understand the use of your girlfriend as well as Cred & deadman perhaps it was just a shout out to your city & lay your head...annnnnd... well I didnt really understand the need for that because you were doing good otherwise you played with the topic nicely & did what you could.... nice work... v/ZeeDonis, I think their blending of styles paid off in the end Buddha I enjoyed your verse & you did your best my friend.... but the topic above you came with a more vivid approach than you about halfway through Buddhas verse it felt less than eventful but he did his topic justice by coming through with a smooth scheme ZeeDonis just had a cool concept & they did enough to seduce me on a 3rd read the story started to make more sense & seemed fun the character development was cool & the ending was clean cut... nice battle fellas
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03-29-2016, 01:57 AM | #5 |
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Adonis – well it started as a crazy little story about a random kid but it took a pretty bad turn for this worse, quick. I appreciated the first stanza a little more than the second as far as effective writing goes, but the second half of this was pretty cool too. It had it’s own appeal in areas the first didn’t and vice versa. That made for an effective drop, in my opinion. Nice work fellas.
Buddha/Jes – This piece was dope, straight topical. Really enjoyed the approach. Rhymes were great, story bounced around a bit but this was a pretty dope drop. That chaotic creature line at the end kinda stuck out to me, I’m not sure how to pronounce whatever sclerotic liver means but yeah. I probably have it lol. Anyway, classic Buddha shone through here and it was dope.’ /v buddha because honestly, I think he brought a little more to the table. I mean if Adonis had carried the tone of the first half throughout the entire piece.. it would've worked a bit more. Even with the short syllable counts, it was really effective writing but the entire piece wasn’t exactly cohesive and buddha’s was. I enjoyed both about equally, but I have to give the nod to someone.. |
03-29-2016, 02:02 AM | #6 |
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for adonis, I really enjoyed the first half. quick subtle formation of the subject showing his sadistic tendencies rapidly evolved into a climax (though not the expected one).
the second half was an interesting idea but I didn't quite grasp the overall of it. was it becoming his job? etc. kinda lost me on this part. for buddha, it was all well tied together. kept even keel with winter and cold and broken body. started really strong, started to lose speed for me though. tied together nicely in a way, as it became a bit more hectic of a read and finalized with admittance of being a chaotic creature. mvgt - @UnbornBuddha godcomplex whatever Last edited by symetrik; 03-29-2016 at 02:41 AM. |
03-29-2016, 10:23 AM | #7 | |||||||||||||
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ok first off, netcees needs to incorporate an auto-save feature so someone doesnt lose an entire vote like i did yesterday, i got pissed off and had to walk away from my pc lol, (if you guys need help with this pm me)
ok so, for the second time @Adonis, i loved this man, before you even let on in the chat and discussion thread that you wrote this entire piece i knew you did, you have a very unique style which i actually admire, funny thing is after knowing what you look like it surprises me that you write so eloquently lol, (thats meant as a compliment btw) you look like one of my friends who is a burning man go-er, someone who parties more than not haha. anyways moving on i really loved this line right here for some reason, it was so simple yet creative Quote:
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i also enjoyed this couplet very much, Quote:
this next quoted portion was really great, Quote:
the ending was on point, i really enjoyed how it was death talking to him and was basically saying "nah dude, you're safe as long as you keep sendin those bodies my way" lol. plus the last line put a raher nice exclamation point on the piece. very nice drop adonis. @UnbornBuddha i really enjoyed this opening Quote:
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i tried to give you guys a little more in depth feed and constructive critism on how i think and approuch a piece when i read and vote on it. you guys can choose to see it for what it is or not. so in the end for me it basically comes down to interpretation of a piece, where as one was more clean cut and i was just able to sit back and enjoy where it took me, the other i felt i had a bunch of stop signs where i had to try to figure out where i was going, this for me comes down to personal preference, and while i did enjoy buddha's piece, i enjoyed adonis's piece much more for its natural cadence displayed so this week he gets the vote from me mvgt-Adonis
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03-29-2016, 12:18 PM | #8 |
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Adonis & Zee...
didn't quite see the connection the first read through, but after a second reading, i think i get it. The second verse is Mark's punishment for his 'attempt' during the first verse. The silver lining is the 'eye for an eye' of being tortured by death for his sins. Really dug this. first verse had some cool lines that helped provide some substance to the outcast nature of the character(comic and ant lines), second verse had some really nice imagery built into it. i enjoyed the flow of the first verse better, but content-wise i think they transitioned nicely, although I didn't put it all together on the first read through... Overall, a really fun read. GodComplex & Buddha I thought that your two verses went together seamlessly into a single piece, so congrats on that off the bat. Flow wise it's pretty good, started out a little stronger than it finished imo but stayed pretty consistent thoughout. My biggest problem was that conceptually it didn't really grow for me, it didn't really move much anywhere. By slightly past the middle I wasn't as grabbed as I was in the beginning, and while the ending was okay, it didn't do enough to bring me back. A fun read, but didn't have quite enough to take it in this one, imho. v/ Adonis & Zee |
03-30-2016, 03:44 PM | #9 | ||||
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Adonis / ZeeDee
Both parts flowed smoothly. I have no major issues with anything, all was thoroughly enjoyable to me. This beginning part was my fav' though. Quote:
Celestial seems to be a word you like to use a lot. Quote:
somaticizing** ?? Quote:
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All in all, pretty cool battle. I read the first verse and kinda figured my vote would go for that verse. Turns out, I ended up liking GC's verse more. Usually I don't dig his style too much, but this time, he didn't go full Buddha, so that was kinda' cool. I kinda' liked the Adonis/Zee's story more, but I just liked more bars out of Buddha's verse. I'm gonna have to give it to him, even though I feel like Adonis/Zee were more spot on with their topic than he was, I just liked more shit out of it. vBuddha |
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