WEEK EIGHT CHAMP MATCH: DIABLO 3-0 vs MMLP 5-2 DIABLO WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX WEEK EIGHT

@Diablo @MMLP

VERSES DUE: WEDNESDAY JANUARY 27th @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[MMLP]

Ffs, check

Edit: Ext to Friday agreed upon @Adverse @sraL

[Diablo]

NO MERCY FAGGOT.

YOU DEAD.

[Diablo]

@MMLP


”Letter To A Friend”




It started as a pick me up, until you got carried away
hard into the grip of drug addiction and had no escape.
You felt the gradual changes, picked the scabs from your scars
as black as the tar injected through the tracks in your arms.
I held your hand through the hardship and you thanked me with trust
in fact it was us when your family turned their backs in disgust.
We looked after each other all through our upheaval
the two of us equals, sharing everything — including a needle.
You introduced me to people that you held in regard
I felt you were charming for greeting me with welcoming arms.
We were always together regardless of everything in your life
You were a prick at the time, but I’d always stick by your side.
When you’re living the high life they all want to share in the moment
but are nowhere to be noticed once you’re there at your lowest.
I cared for my closest friend like we were brothers
trying to push him to do more where others tried to discourage.
A life without substance was never our thing
- as embedded in him as the contents of an empty syringe.
After the heroin binge you’d forget that I’d exist
‘til you were desperate for a fix for the mess that you were in.
I’d be there within a jiffy in the cold pouring rain
with no more to say— I’m always just a phone call away.
We both fought in vain, though you knew I was right,
in fact you were the guy that dropped me numerous times.
I knew you inside out, I’d been there through thick and thin,
from you barely fitting in a large tee to wearing skinny fit.
You’d tear me limb from limb convinced you had it under control
as a junkie you’d know how to ride out every bump in the road.
The drugs took a hold, offering you a momentary escape
knowing you would face your fears again alone when you awake.
You would hold on to me shaking while begging me for more
eyes as empty and withdrawn as the banking deficit of yours.
Some said that I was pure evil, a good-for-nothing mess,
but you would look at me and sense I was a cut above the rest.
I wanted nothing but the best for you, you would have deserved it,
that changed once I came in touch with the person under the surface.
I can’t put into words just how good it felt to kick your ass
for taking everything I had, and never giving back.
You were a selfish little bastard sitting stuck inside his house
who didn’t come to find me out or pick me up if I was down.
You ditched me just to buy an ounce, a user right until the end,
who’d try and fill my head with the same shit time and time again.
I was the type you could depend on, you let me lie in the street,
while you would either look out for yourself or signs of the police.
You never liked to be seen with me, bitch I should have learned
‘cause if you were concerned you wouldn’t have kicked me to the curb.
I plan to hit you where it hurts most, the next injection is lethal...

You’re dead when I see you.

Truly yours,
Your “best friend,”
- a heroin needle.
.
.
.

[MMLP]

Imagine your life is perfect in every respect; what would it look like
Anything can happen, when it comes to your life

… I’d choose a brighter outlook, a summer of wine in sunnier times.
Beholding the colourful skies,
things looking as bright as you want them to be.
Scoping the scene at open retreats, looking over the seas.
But in the moment you see the dark shadow, that overcasts the view.
Thoughts beaten you soulless, black and blue.
Only shade thrown, is back at you.
To those who propaganda to the anti-vaxxers, the vast detractors.
A no laughing matter as this pathogen spans,
rapidly fanning out, its pugnacious and callous.
Humanities damaged, as the weight of the worlds sanity, hangs in the balance.
Soon having to acclimatise when we’re whittling bad.
Our foundations are chipped, on the brink of collapse.
The crystalline fractured, chiselled and scratched.
In the midst of the pandemic, beginning to crack,
have the instincts to act or you’d literally snap!
With the cycle spinning sporadically instead, unbalanced as our heads.
As our character develops uncertainty, the unhappiness has spread.
Weaved its way through, now our very fabric is hanging by a thread.
Feeling abandoned and oppressed and that’s when its becomes a nuisance.
With no solutions, often said the loose ends is what I’m tying up,
but in my head, I was only tying up where the noose ends.
Until this new sense of urgency became rudimentary.
You don’t need to be mentally challenged to be challenged, mentally.
Set us free and let it be in my rallying voice.
Although the spikes in numbers is something we cannot avoid
To escape paranoia you’ll have to free your mind,
reach inside to break through the void and shards of the glass.
Standing with poise is my character choice.
Telling it how it his, sharp as a tack and straight to the point!
This informative stance was as poignant as I’m out to countervail.
In this little fairy tale you’re even scared of the air inhaled
Were spared details, prayers derailed.
If you fail to prepare then be prepared to fail
and it’s there you exhale, breathing a huge sigh of relief,
no holding back, throwing jabs, it’s time to release.
Controlling man’s own destiny and not just prodding along.
As the moments pass through the gloom I was clearly convinced,
you need that shot in the arm to escape the fear from within
It’s getting inside your frame if you’re appearing imprisoned.
The words penetratingly pinning and piercing the pigment.
The power of the people is picturesque, as clear as their vision
Controlled, a thorn in my side I once sworn to abide,
but no longer adhered to a system in a quest for liberty.
l lost myself and I let it get to me, then serendipity.
I’d come away from the negativity but still sheepish as I’d trace back.
Joined my own revolt reaching with the same hand
Trying to find myself was like searching for that needle in the haystack.
Face facts, whether or not you're getting a shot,
with plans to get treated but don’t act like they’ve taken your freedom
Here’s a vaccine, you can take it or leave it
because whether you’re feeling stressed, feel oppressed.
You still have a choice and a voice in a matter of speaking.
But my anger's depleted, we’ve all desperately struggled and it left us in trouble.
And that’s why I chose a brighter outlook…
To help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Only then you’ll see what’s emerged now
Things work out best, for those who make the best of how things work out.

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Diablo

It started as a pick me up, until you got carried away
hard into the grip of drug addiction and had no escape.
You felt the gradual changes, picked the scabs from your scars
as black as the tar injected through the tracks in your arms.
smooth rhymes. like the black/tar reference. nice word choices in general
I held your hand through the hardship and you thanked me with trust
in fact it was us when your family turned their backs in disgust.
We looked after each other all through our upheaval
the two of us equals, sharing everything — including a needle.
rhymes still cool. story progression
You introduced me to people that you held in regard
I felt you were charming for greeting me with welcoming arms.
We were always together regardless of everything in your life
You were a prick at the time, but I’d always stick by your side.
i see welcoming arms, prick/stick. ok rhymes
When you’re living the high life they all want to share in the moment
but are nowhere to be noticed once you’re there at your lowest.
I cared for my closest friend like we were brothers
trying to push him to do more where others tried to discourage.
flow got a little choppy but i like the emotional content
A life without substance was never our thing
- as embedded in him as the contents of an empty syringe.
After the heroin binge you’d forget that I’d exist
‘til you were desperate for a fix for the mess that you were in.
cool word choices
I’d be there within a jiffy in the cold pouring rain
with no more to say— I’m always just a phone call away.
We both fought in vain, though you knew I was right,
in fact you were the guy that dropped me numerous times.
cool pic tie in.
I knew you inside out, I’d been there through thick and thin,
from you barely fitting in a large tee to wearing skinny fit.
You’d tear me limb from limb convinced you had it under control
as a junkie you’d know how to ride out every bump in the road.
imagery is cool here.
The drugs took a hold, offering you a momentary escape
knowing you would face your fears again alone when you awake.
You would hold on to me shaking while begging me for more
eyes as empty and withdrawn as the banking deficit of yours.
progression
Some said that I was pure evil, a good-for-nothing mess,
but you would look at me and sense I was a cut above the rest.
I wanted nothing but the best for you, you would have deserved it,
that changed once I came in touch with the person under the surface.
cut/under the surface
I can’t put into words just how good it felt to kick your ass
for taking everything I had, and never giving back.
You were a selfish little bastard sitting stuck inside his house
who didn’t come to find me out or pick me up if I was down.
this section feels out of place to me
You ditched me just to buy an ounce, a user right until the end,
who’d try and fill my head with the same shit time and time again.
I was the type you could depend on, you let me lie in the street,
while you would either look out for yourself or signs of the police.
nice section. fill my head, lie in the street. cool closer
You never liked to be seen with me, bitch I should have learned
‘cause if you were concerned you wouldn’t have kicked me to the curb.
I plan to hit you where it hurts most, the next injection is lethal...

You’re dead when I see you.

Truly yours,
Your “best friend,”
- a heroin needle.
.
.
.
strong closer

Nice rhyming overall and good story telling. Liked the word choice and tie ins woven through the verse. Rhymes weren't the most technically complex but they were effective. Well done verse with a nice finish. Good job sir.

Originally Posted by MMLP

Imagine your life is perfect in every respect; what would it look like
Anything can happen, when it comes to your life
life/life repetition stands out to me. rhyme feels simple

… I’d choose a brighter outlook, a summer of wine in sunnier times.
Beholding the colourful skies,
things looking as bright as you want them to be.
Scoping the scene at open retreats, looking over the seas.
nice rhymes. dig the internals.
But in the moment you see the dark shadow, that overcasts the view.
Thoughts beaten you soulless, black and blue.
Only shade thrown, is back at you.
To those who propaganda to the anti-vaxxers, the vast detractors.
nice angle connecting needles to vaccine
A no laughing matter as this pathogen spans,
rapidly fanning out, its pugnacious and callous.
Humanities damaged, as the weight of the worlds sanity, hangs in the balance.
cool rhymes
Soon having to acclimatise when we’re whittling bad.
Our foundations are chipped, on the brink of collapse.
The crystalline fractured, chiselled and scratched.
In the midst of the pandemic, beginning to crack,
have the instincts to act or you’d literally snap!
With the cycle spinning sporadically instead, unbalanced as our heads.
As our character develops uncertainty, the unhappiness has spread.
Weaved its way through, now our very fabric is hanging by a thread.
Feeling abandoned and oppressed and that’s when its becomes a nuisance.
With no solutions, often said the loose ends is what I’m tying up,
but in my head, I was only tying up where the noose ends.
rhyming slowed down here. see crystalline section an fabric/thread, tying/noose
Until this new sense of urgency became rudimentary.
You don’t need to be mentally challenged to be challenged, mentally.
Set us free and let it be in my rallying voice.
Although the spikes in numbers is something we cannot avoid
To escape paranoia you’ll have to free your mind,
reach inside to break through the void and shards of the glass.
Standing with poise is my character choice.
Telling it how it his, sharp as a tack and straight to the point!
ok rhymes. this section feels kinda preachy. some times its better to be more indirect with your message
This informative stance was as poignant as I’m out to countervail.
In this little fairy tale you’re even scared of the air inhaled
Were spared details, prayers derailed.
If you fail to prepare then be prepared to fail
and it’s there you exhale, breathing a huge sigh of relief,
no holding back, throwing jabs, it’s time to release.
like the rhyming here. cool section
Controlling man’s own destiny and not just prodding along.
As the moments pass through the gloom I was clearly convinced,
you need that shot in the arm to escape the fear from within
It’s getting inside your frame if you’re appearing imprisoned.
The words penetratingly pinning and piercing the pigment.
The power of the people is picturesque, as clear as their vision
nice alliteration
Controlled, a thorn in my side I once sworn to abide,
but no longer adhered to a system in a quest for liberty.
l lost myself and I let it get to me, then serendipity.
I’d come away from the negativity but still sheepish as I’d trace back.
Joined my own revolt reaching with the same hand
Trying to find myself was like searching for that needle in the haystack.
like the needle in the haystack flip
Face facts, whether or not you're getting a shot,
with plans to get treated but don’t act like they’ve taken your freedom
Here’s a vaccine, you can take it or leave it
because whether you’re feeling stressed, feel oppressed.
You still have a choice and a voice in a matter of speaking.
this is cool
But my anger's depleted, we’ve all desperately struggled and it left us in trouble.
And that’s why I chose a brighter outlook…
To help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Only then you’ll see what’s emerged now
Things work out best, for those who make the best of how things work out.
ok closer. feels like you could have ended stronger but this wasn't bad

cool verse. great rhyming in general, but the story felt a little bit disconnected. i get the theme and the topic tie in but there were a few places that felt like they could have been cut without taking anything from the story you were telling or the feelings you were trying to convey.

Vote: Diablo I think MMLP had the stronger rhymes in this battle but Diablo had a stronger story and a more consistent verse overall. Both had good drops but MMLP I think you could have made this better with a little more time to edit and some of those places showed up in the final product. Diablo's verse had fewer flaws.

[Pharaohs Army]

Lars:
A very solid, albeit predictable verse about heroin addiction. Reading it twice offers the reader all the little bits of foreshadowing that were there for those who didn't suspect the ending. Rhymes and flow on point. Will be tough to beat.

MMLP:
Also a solid piece. It appears to be about the vaccine but parts of the verse seemed more general than that. The rhymes and flow are pretty good.

Humanities damaged, as the weight of the worlds sanity, hangs in the balance.
I think this would flow just fine (or even better) without the commas.
Not going to penalize you for it, just giving you an observation.

Overall, I'm going with Lars here because his verse piqued my interest more. MMLP's was about the vaccine, but there were also some general parts that weren't as compelling as most of Lars's.
It's basically a preference vote. Both verses are good quality, but I have Lars being a bit better.

[Objective]

Diablo: stellar writing in the first 4 lines right from the get go. A captivating story from beginning to end. The twist has been done before but the way you did it made it so it wasn't predictable and hit at an emotional level. Great similies, metaphors and flow throughout. Balanced in terms of rhymeschemes, nothing jaw dropping but it didn't have to be with bits and pieces of cool set ups and there.

Relatable in the sense that I've never been doing meth or heroin myself but had a friend for a while where we escaped with weed for about a year until that wasn't enough for him. He took the step to amphetamine, and I have no idea how he's doing now cus he withdrew from everyone and moved back in with his mom who is an alcoholic herself. Just a sad story from beginning to end. I was by his side a lot despite not wanting to join his adventures with that stuff. In the end he too made dope his one and only companion that kicked him to the curb.

Mmlp: starting off decent and I like where you're taking me as a reader.

Humanities damaged, as the weight of the worlds sanity, hangs in the balance.
^thought this was cool in relation to the topic.

Not digging the mention of the pandemic tbh. Ye, we're all in it, kinda tired of hearing about it personally, especially how it seems to be mentioned in at least one piece each week. Pharaohs army did it as well this week. Even if it is a tie in to the crack/dope pandemic it's difficult to not make the connection to something recent as well.

I like the piece as a whole and the message you're bringing along. Got to make the best of it etc. That said, it's already in most peoples minds, and this league is a great escape from what we're already facing. So this kind of approach was rather "meh" to me.

Overall it was a cool read. Could tell you put time into this.

Vote: Diablo. Dope (pun intended) af interpretation and execution of the piece. Mmlp had a cool verse as well but stacked against Diablo it's difficult for anyone to snatch a w from. Cool battle and could tell both of you put time into this. Good stuff