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Old 12-04-2017, 09:51 PM   #1
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Default Week II: Mr. J vs YDK[CLOSED]



Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends SUNDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Mr. J vs @Incredible

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 12-12-2017 at 07:48 PM.
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Old 12-08-2017, 10:08 AM   #2
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@Mr. J @Incredible

DUE TONIGHT
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Old 12-10-2017, 12:39 AM   #3
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I took a step into the ocean that I now soak in.
the silence was broken by waves on my own skin.
I stare on, awoken by the sounds of my focus...
tomorrow extended out into the open where hope is.
or was I roped in? paranoia circles like an opponent.
waiting to grapple me down until I dont know shit..
is this reality now? does it matter if I never noticed?
sometimes its weird knowing what is a known risk.
but its better being the only one to know what the joke is.
its better than leaving it in the open with its context.
does it cause stress or make one want to compete in the contest.
its a weird concept, but some people really want this.
so now its a process that begs to be glorified on script.
calculated data that matches the outcome of all this.
God wrote down the great jobs & marked it with a gold star.
you have come so far that this has become a whole job.
you no longer coast on the recovery, just the high of post op.
the world goes on, the phone echoes at least once or twice
they dont ask how you are though, they just want advice...
like...would you like to purchase our new line of vacation.
or some shit like that...thats when I stopped listening to the radio station...

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Old 12-11-2017, 10:09 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dead man View Post
kill you
I had to write this shit down or i woulda never said it aloud,
Cuz I've always wanted to be a daddy and said I was proud.
But there were times before you that I wasn't so sure of it,
Times I considered dying, had depression and didn't get cured of it.
I was cuttin my wrist back before people ever heard of it
They thought it absurd I hated life when I've only been hurt from it.
I've been told I was weak, too sensitive but wouldn't speak
So I'd go weeks without crying till I just did it in my sleep.
The pity people showed me did nothing but make me feel like a child,
Cuz I didn't want em to feel sorry for me I just wanted to smile.
I thought that a son or daughter would give my life meaning,
Not realizing that I should never have needed a reason.
I was terrified when I found out that your mother was pregnant,
Cuz I was partying every night while my dreams became stagnant.
I wasn't ready for a baby, shit we weren't even dating
I just knew that if she kept you, my goals would stay waiting.
It's selfish and I knew it but I just couldn't admit it
I nearly let her keep drinking hoping we could forget it.
But that ain't what I did, I poured every drop down the drain
Let her cuss me out for hours an took some shots to the brain.
She held it against me then and probably still does
Cuz we weren't together but we were happy...maybe a baby had killed US.
By the time I heard your heartbeat I just knew it was real,
I was numb, I was crying, but I didn't know what to feel.
Should I be happy or nervous? The shit made me panic,
So I snorted as many pills as I could find, turnin back to an addict.
A month or so passed when I got to see you on the computer,
They said I was having a daughter...and I just wanted to view her.
Maybe it was the pills and maybe it was reality
But those tears came down faster as if they had never came outta me!
I was fuckin relieved! I was ecstatic to see you
Through an ultrasound picture...i just wanted to meet you.
I cleaned up my act working over time daily
I had a new life goal an wasn't letting shit fail me.
Don't get it twisted we were barely gettin by
But my money went to bills instead of gettin me high.
I used the only 200 dollars my mom left me when she died
So I could get an apartment so that we could survive.
We moved in with nothing but the clothes on our backs
Took handouts from strangers and slept on the floor to relax.
After months of slowly building we were ready for you,
And on September 7th you finally came into view.
I held you in my arms as my grandmother embraced me
Crying and shaking I was happy cuz this baby had changed me.
I've felt guilty ever since the day you were born kid...
Cuz I love you with my soul...but you were nearly aborted.
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Old 12-12-2017, 09:12 AM   #5
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Quote:
YDK vs Mr J


Mr J showed a vast improvement this week from last weeks. Its almost two different writers, or takes, or personalities or styles. Whatever. You get the point. This was a lot better, both in terms of flow, but more so content. This was his kind of topic, really, one he could invest in and relate to I'm sure. It wasn't mind blowingly creative or original, he didn't really take it anywhere unexpectedly or invoke a twist - it was just kind of an introspective look into the mind of the joker we've come to know. The narrative works, it was all there, not really much I felt to quote this time out really but that's not always a bad thing as sometimes when a verse works well cohesively AS A PIECE that's a good sign rather than there just being high and low points, nah mean? Anyway, this is a marked improvement from The Joker here.


YDK: It's often said that YDK writes too much about his daughter. As a family man myself, with a daughter, I can't hold that against him to be real. The guy wears his heart firmly on his sleeve, choosing to keep it reality based and speaking on his past experiences with an openness some writers try to keep back - myself included in that. I tend to tell my stories, my experiences, metaphorically or through characters so it kind of distances me from the events at hand while still maintaining that element of truth to it. So I repeat his craft even if it's not my mode of execution. The emotions were high in this, especially in the final third and I'm sure it was hard for him to write that out. He has a knack for expressing his feelings and putting that to page, that carried this verse, and a lot of it was weighted on that last line - but god, what a line to finish it up with. Crazy realism. I've no doubt this was real shit, and that's what maybe gave him the win here in my opinion. It's real and raw. Almost too real to the point I'm surprised he shared his on an open forum.

YDK got it this week.
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Old 12-12-2017, 01:35 PM   #6
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Quote:
Mr. J: Fuck yessss, I've been wanting to write to this picture but feel like I can't for obvious reasons.

First four lines are dope, flows on point and introduces the subject matter in great fashion. Your first hiccup that I see is on line 7 with the 'never noticed', I think it would have flowed better if you had removed 'never' from that line to bring down the syllable count a little and help the flow a bit more.

'But it's better being the only one to know what the joke is' <-- Niiice!

lol @ the closure. Loved how you wrapped it up and your take on the topic but it also seemed rather abrupt and lazy, beside of that though I enjoyed this short verse a lot. Not sure if it'll hold up against a strong opponent but it was dope nonetheless from an OM point of view.

YDK: Heavy shit to start out your verse with and you throw your reader right into it, dark and sweet start to your piece. I've seen some of your posts in the past and realize this might be personal to you but I'm not going to take that into account so I hope I don't come off as too harsh here.

'I was cutting my wrist back before people ever heard of it', eh... Self harm is one of the oldest known forms for mental illness and has been around for ages but I digress.

'I wasn't ready for a baby, shit we weren't even dating
I just knew that if she kept you, my goals would stay waiting.'
^ Interesting, you're definitely building a character now that seems lost in himself and his own issues projecting whatever he's internalizing on to other people. Just as I'm writing this I start reading the next line and feel relieved I'm on point, lol.

And I definitely think the baby killed them at that point in time. Jumping to more in depth shit this early in a relationship never is a good idea, specially if the persons involved isn't ready to take a mature stance to the situation. All way too common in this day and age.

As the story goes on pressure and escapism gets the best of him, retorting back to old habits because life is too much to handle. Rough. Good thing he realized his shit and cleaned himself up, good stuff.

Great progression of the story towards the end and closes it all up with a wholesome last line. Good shit.

Vote: This is harder than I first thought it would be. Mr. J had the flow, rhymescheme and rather dark lines here and there but overall the verse itself didn't seem that complete to me and that it just lacked something, maybe it was too short or the closure seemed a bit lazy in the same vein as waking up from a dream? Idk but it didn't feel complete, that's for sure. YDK had the story but the rhymes and flow were rather weak in comparison, the nature of the story progressed well without hiccups and sudden changes tho, I can appreciate that.

When it comes down to it I prefer a deeper or well thought story over flow and rhymeschemes that were decent at best in Mr. J's verse despite the fact that that alone can also be a powerful tool to tip the vote in favor of another when done right, if Mr.J had put a little bit more effort into his piece I think he would have snatched my vote but YDK wrote a story with characters, meaning, a progression and shit that was easy to follow throughout and get it on consistency. To be completely honest I think YDK's verse would have worked better as a literary piece in the form of a short story or a novel but vs Mr. J this week this definitely holds up to me.

Decent battle, MVGT - YDK.
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