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Old 11-06-2017, 09:29 AM   #1
Innovator
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Default FINALS: MMLP vs Innovator[CLOSED]

Black August


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due November 13



Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Voting closes when a clear winner is voted for. Competitors must vote immediately on the other match. Failure to vote will result in being a faggot for a significant portion of ur life.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a life of faggoting immediately but its a slippery slope.

so....

All competitors must vote on as many battles as possible duh u bum ass idiots


Topic:: uh none wtf don't u know what this is?

@MMLP

Last edited by Innovator; 11-29-2017 at 09:20 AM.
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Old 11-06-2017, 11:12 AM   #2
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Lets go!!
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Old 11-14-2017, 04:18 AM   #3
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Default Pine for a pine!

I hate Christmas time with a fervour of endless passion
and this is why the firs on my neck are standing.
They firm as I'm getting angry at how they left us all
how they murdered the rest my family without a second thought.
But I'm not grounded anymore or left in the rough
I'm out to settles scores and revenge is a must.
Cause in my neck of the woods things are handled differently.
My parents were cut for a family's Christmas tree!?!
I'd been dragged implicitly by the branches of my pile,
forced to stand up within reach of my captors as they smiled.
They shackled me inside a brace with bolts in my skin
then glance at me reviled because I'm growing so thin.
Cargo holding me in, unmoved as the chains stick.
To the home where they live to be used as a makeshift.
Its a dark room that I'm placed in as they clutch on my pines.
As soon as they made it, I was pushed to the side.
They plucked and they pried as I tried to escape
then strung me in wires to bind me in place.
They tie me in weighted baubles while doing this
and deprive me of basic water and nutrients.
All the illuminants they throw up high at Christmas
seem to form a salubrious shadow over my existence.
They may have broken my affixes to succumb the time and season
but they won't divide my spirit for so long as I'm still breathing.
It cut my life to pieces just seeing our group ambushed.
A couple pines receded when being dragged through the mud.
The trees had dad's view obstructed when taking my mom away.
As our leaves and grassroots were cut for the sake of a holiday.
Theyre celebrating St. Boniface but my face isnt bonny
I hate them for what they've made me by truncating my body.
Even saying their sorry wouldn't end the discussion,
I'd take their apology, and tell 'em to shove it!
They'd been pressing my buttons til I was visibly lit!
Endlessly humming to the chimes of christmassy hits.
As the lighting spindles a bit that surrounds my brittle leaves.
I know the slightest flick of a switch could put me out my misery!!
The count down to Christmas seems a mindless hodgepodge
until a howling winter breeze whistles my final swan song.
The lights I've got on dimming gently in descent,
a crass reminder of what little energy I've left.
If this is meant to be the end then they'll need all they've got.
Cause though they've sentenced me to death, I won't leave in a box.
I'll hold every needle aloft to help scratch them and prick 'em.
So they bleed every droplet they sapped from my siblings.
I'll ensure my branches are twisted so they struggle with it.
Then even as they bag up my clippings, I'll be under their skin.
I'll be in every cut, every splinter, every finger that's bled.
So even as the woodchipper grins at me, this isn't the end...

Last edited by MMLP; 11-14-2017 at 05:20 AM.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:32 AM   #4
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Thumbs down



Such is life so fragile and uncertain
Weighed down by a cloud of burdens
You could loose your sight in the curtains
So is life a burden fragile for certain.

Cliff diving perched against the wind
Heart slipping off my sleeve as I spin.
Pockets full of hope digging deep in the lint
Spreading my fingers until i drown reaching.
As my brow drys, my eyes sore along the sun rays peaking.
It's hot, smoldering lights beam through streaking.
Each cloud as high as the next, it's got me vexed.
In between the layers of wind I find myself hexed
But it’s content that’s got me in my complex.
Self intent bellowed in the context, it’s a contest
For the soul bitter and cold russian roulette to the bone.
The wounds whistle in the breeze as I continue descension
Along this beautiful perspective looking up at intention.
None the wiser I snuck out to see this view a life time,
A mountain of hues reds on queue it’s a rough climb.
Such a scene in the soot of my darkness so serene
So pristine and redeeming, almost all the evil’ receded.
I’m almost there “just keep breathing” just keep breathing.
No more doubts and insecurity, Expectations deleted.
A dedication to bleeding leaving many for grieving.
Lost in hopes quest I got tangled in the forks path
Loosing grip of reality walking aimlessly in the contrast.
Giving in to the jokes, but I always managed to clone
A happy smile for drones, a facade I though I owned.

Last edited by Innovator; 11-14-2017 at 10:08 PM.
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Old 11-18-2017, 11:21 PM   #5
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mmlp - besides the occasional stretch to my senses (and fucking salubrious, really?), this had a story (though the realization that it's from the perspective of a tree after the fourth line felt like a let down), but it pulled me back in after almost losing me. the last couple lines were cool, I could smell that sap and feel how they do get all up on your skin, so it wrapped up well. loose middle though.

innovator - I usually dgaf about spelling but it really threw me off, felt like every fourth line I had to reread just to make sure I was understanding correctly (which tells me that it didn't create a cohesive story that a misspelling wouldn't upset the flow of). it felt more atmospheric as opposed to having anything... specific, and I had to keep trying to find the piece in the pic. the biggest selling point for me was the "evil receded/keep breathing" line, but the rest of it seemed too vague for me (and vexed/hexed? bruh)

mvgt - mmlp
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Old 11-19-2017, 07:12 PM   #6
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Lars blatantly wrote MMLP's verse for him.
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Old 11-21-2017, 09:45 PM   #7
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legit tired of people writing like mmlp with these absolutely ridiculous stupid perspectives without any real connection to anything other than the tree being sentient and that somehow relating to human emotion - even though trees dont have human emotion - and trees are fucking stupid, yet complex beings. and three? (3?) i dont really care if a tree gets cut for someones christmas tree or any of the other personifying glyphs that broke into the verse. it was very tiresome, although it was pretty easy and fun to follow - although at times it seemed completely lost and very badly written. for example.

Quote:
All the illuminants they throw up high at Christmas
seem to form a salubrious shadow over my existence.
They may have broken my affixes to succumb the time and season
but they won't divide my spirit for so long as I'm still breathing.
It cut my life to pieces just seeing our group ambushed.
A couple pines receded when being dragged through the mud.
first off, this entire piece (if im not mistaken) all in all, probably, mostly refers to a tree that is in the process of deforestation. the picture shows that. it looks dark. obscure. black. ominous. okay. we're past that, the first line gets into the christmas lights which is an insult to the tree (this is so fucking stupid lmao) and okay, we get it, it's disgusting to see your mothers corpse adorned with lights and people happy about it. it would fucking suck, yes. second, this is stupid (have i said its stupid?)

third, a salubrious shadow (sp) wouldnt refer to a ominous, downtrodden existence, instead it would be the opposite. if that's the case, i don't really understand (i can understand how someone could become a victim to their pain, and embrace it) the thought process of the writer, or even the tree? unless the tree is victim to stockholm syndrome of some sort, he wouldnt relish in the casted shadow, and he surely wouldnt feel wholesome to it. also illuminants? lol. so forced, but it has such a decent flow, and salubrious is a real word, that it's like fuck it! let illuminants slide through. but once you realize you're reading something completely in reverse and that it isnt written well, it just gets you upset.

Quote:
They may have broken my affixes
this isn't written well. also, may have, and many of these oddly worded stanzas just give off a vibe of filler. the author uses a ton of tiny words that make up for syllable count, and the story itself seemed so forced to me that it was just a headache throughtout, just ...look @ what i bold


Quote:
I hate Christmas time with a fervour of endless passion
and this is why the firs on my neck are standing.
They firm as I'm getting angry at how they left us all
how they murdered the rest my family without a second thought.
But I'm not grounded anymore or left in the rough
I'm out to settles scores and revenge is a must.
Cause in my neck of the woods (lol @ pun)things are handled differently.
My parents were cut for a family's Christmas tree!?!
I'd been dragged implicitly by the branches of my pile,
forced to stand up within reach of my captors as they smiled.
They shackled me inside a brace with bolts in my skin
then glance at me reviled because I'm growing so thin.
Cargo holding me in, unmoved as the chains stick.
To the home where they live to be used as a makeshift.
Its a dark room that I'm placed in as they clutch on my pines.
As soon as they made it, I was pushed to the side.
They plucked and they pried as I tried to escape
then strung me in wires to bind me in place.
They tie me in weighted baubles while doing this
and deprive me of basic water and nutrients.
All the illuminants they throw up high at Christmas
seem to form a salubrious shadow over my existence.

They may have broken my affixes to succumb the time and season
but they won't divide my spirit for so long as I'm still breathing.
It cut my life to pieces just seeing our group ambushed.
A couple pines receded when being dragged through the mud.
The trees had dad's view obstructed when taking my mom away.
As our leaves and grassroots were cut for the sake of a holiday.
Theyre celebrating St. Boniface but my face isnt bonny
I hate them for what they've made me by truncating my body.
Even saying their sorry wouldn't end the discussion,
I'd take their apology, and tell 'em to shove it!
They'd been pressing my buttons til I was visibly lit!
Endlessly humming to the chimes of christmassy hits.
As the lighting spindles a bit that surrounds my brittle leaves.
I know the slightest flick of a switch could put me out my misery!!
The count down to Christmas seems a mindless hodgepodge
until a howling winter breeze whistles my final swan song.

The lights I've got on dimming gently in descent,
a crass reminder of what little energy I've left.
If this is meant to be the end then they'll need all they've got.
Cause though they've sentenced me to death, I won't leave in a box.
I'll hold every needle aloft to help scratch them and prick 'em.
So they bleed every droplet they sapped from my siblings.
I'll ensure my branches are twisted so they struggle with it.
Then even as they bag up my clippings, I'll be under their skin.
I'll be in every cut, every splinter, every finger that's bled.
So even as the woodchipper grins at me, this isn't the end...
alot of the words, tiny words, ill, then, there, the, i a, and, of, who they, wont, them, from, my , are, so, they, their, theyve there theyre, the them, must, just, of

so many words, say more with less. it'll work. also the transitioning to a new stanza with the writing of previous schemes and bringing that scheme into the next stanza with transitioning schemes is repetitive and predictable/boring like this entire run-on sentence


innovator. nice piece. i, actually, read it. in loud voice. outloud. i liked it. it was short, and to the point. i liked this better because you used words to describe the picture but used the feelings the picture gave you and the words you usd to describe them in your piece initially.... unlike your opponent who used THE PICTURE ITSELF as the focal point. not a bad idea if it wasnt a stupid idea. anyway, i felt i spent a lot more pointing out the weak spots of your opponent rather than commending you for this vote i'm eventually going to give you. you did well, you're more a true poet than alot of writers on here. this wasnt any different. good job.

-vote inno
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greed View Post
If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
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Old 11-22-2017, 08:05 PM   #8
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MMLP - The rhymes were cool for the most part. The creative punch was hit straight away and left little room for any more imagination after that. More of a laundry list of witticisms and double entendres spiraling back to the already made point. And for why? Didn't create any pathos, or shock with narrative. Clever, but thats about all.

Innovator - A couple missteps but enjoyable. "Walking aimlessly in the contrast" was my favorite phrase in either piece. Eschewed technical complexity for clarity and mostly hit the mark. There were a few portions with real emotion and relatability. Life affirmation through destruction, but without melodrama with deft wording despite a few grammatical mistakes.

Both pieces were clever in completely different ways; I think Inno's approach was more affecting.

V/Innovator
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Old 11-26-2017, 01:16 PM   #9
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Yo I need a couple more votes here people
@Genocide @Witty @Certain @Pent uP @dead man


And anyone else shouts to @PancakeBrah @big baby and @symetrik for the votes
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Old 11-26-2017, 03:55 PM   #10
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I think 3 1 would be a share shut out considering how the tourneys gone! Fair play to ppl voting, tag me in innov for awol match ups n give out some votes!
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Old 11-29-2017, 09:20 AM   #11
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So seeing as how no one else is probably going to vote. I’m closing this.

Thanks @MMLP
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Old 11-30-2017, 04:23 AM   #12
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Yeh mind as well!

Congrats on the win @Innnovator!
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