RD 1: Cimmerian vs Bags - CIMMERIAN WINS!

[sral]

Welcome aboard motherfuckers!

This is the netcees.org S.T.I - named primarily because the majority of the board believe the topical side consists of homoerotic man poetry about rainbows and unicorns. We're here to hopefully dispel that myth once and for all! ...or confirm it, which would be equally lulzy for the casual reader but not so great for your reputations, I'd imagine.

Regardless, if you find yourself still here you can put that down to either my utter stupidity, blind belief you'll show up, or the fact you're a pretty sought after writer. Take your pick. I've assembled the greatest talent to still be doing this hallowed hobby of ours. This may well be the final opportunity for some of you to go out with a bang before retiring from text all together. For others this may be their greatest crowning achievement so far. Whichever category you fall into, I promise to pit you against some of the very best writers online and over the coming month I want you to prove why I was write to have invited you here ahead of an array of other writers that were denied their spot. It's time to show and prove, ladies.

This is where shit gets real!

House Rules:

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Check Ins are due: Wednesday 11:59 PST (You MUST check in!)
Verses are due: FRIDAY 11:59 PST.
Votes are due: The following Monday!


PLEASE VOTE ON EVERY OTHER BATTLE! I'm not here to police you guys, but it doesn't hurt to vote and it also helps ensure we keep things moving around here - these tournaments are nothing without the support of you guys. Modding is often a thankless task, and I've put in a lot of work to make this happen for you all, don't let me down!

There is NO RECYCLING, BITING ETC. Pretty standard. I shouldn't have to tell you folks that.

First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is received.

TOPIC:

@Cimmerian @Bags

[Cimmerian]

✓

[Cimmerian]

white blaze.

The road’s perspiring. Evaporative horizon
Coca cola sticky sweat—tumbling and blinding
Twenty-five counties, a state of mind behind him
Just past Damascus, the Virginia Creeper riders
Her February burial, the cancer grown inside her—
Danced to the organs, local ballet recital
He had nothing left, all he kept was his Bible—
For the tinder bundle, crumpled under firewood
All decay: a sinner-saint cindery grey
But embers are remembered. The white blaze.
Six pack'd hiss-crack, he swallowed back the ocean
Winter past long ago but also was approaching.

[Ghost1]

David and Goliath





Throw my shit on yo...


I like this. feels like the 90s.


Theres a war goin on outside no man is safe from
its hard trynna walk that line, cant let em break us
When the suns in the sky shoot where the moon was
There's 6 million ways to die CHOOSE ONE

raised w the savages, neglected as a youth
pain was the catalyst that sent him to the hoops
strange how the brain take in damage & recoup
the game led him stray from the average criminal
the place that he stayed wasn't halfway liveable
theres lanes that were paved an thats wats critical
poppa was a rollin stone momma was a nightmare
put em in a foster home, they hit em w a pipe there
u kno that old tune. hit a switch and the floor moves
dirty dishes and old food, the boulevard of broken dreams
triple beams and dope fiends, where the pot boil work
and the zombies lurk. life as a shorty shouldn't be so rough
but that round ball was jazz when the thing got touched
so fluid. soul music. a fresh breath from the stars.
step in to guard, that crossfade nirvana....electric guitar
his name was David. he held the rock like a sling
but that block was a monster...aint no stoppin to blink
fuck a hobby an a gift its bodies on the strip
chucks on the wire, milk crate on the pole
gunman for hire took em straight to the hole
dopeboys movin ye by the zone. heatwave in july.
another day in the sky. round here its lost souls
and cross bones. he shot pick up games w the stick up kids
they cant write they names but they clip up quick
he shot 3s w the c-lo shooters and dropped d on the peacoat boosters
a legend on the ave....aint much to say
he took a stray. mural on the wall...reverend on the stand

either ya slingin crack rock or ya got a wicked jump shot
and even then.....but ya dont hear me tho

[Pinot Grij]

Cimm's verse was beautiful. I feel like the first four lines could have tied together more strongly. In its essence, it feels like 8 staccato mini-statements. On a personal note, I recently read up on hiking the appalachian trial, so the idea of hiking as a cathartic activity is something that resonates with me right now.. so I was very on board with your concept. The ballet recital metaphor was very strong.. the juxtaposition of the elegance of a ballet recital with the viciousness of cancer really drove home the emotion. The burning Bible image is very strong and conveys a complexity of your character's emotions without having to go incredibly indepth. I like that. Overall, I liked this verse. I don't know if it is something that I would return to read though.

Bags. I read briefly about the controversy of your verse. I don't really think that the contents of this verse constitutes biting - however, I did feel like the use of classic rap lines detracted from the verse itself. I felt like if there was more of a strong link set up to using those lines - like referencing that the kid listened to old Mobb Deep and shit, or something like that, then it would've felt more genuine instead of just slipped in here or there. Like, if the music itself was more intrinsic to the story, then it would've had greater impact. As a whole, I liked some of the writing mechanics, but I feel like it's a story I've heard before. Like, ya boy is basically Ricky from Boyz N The Hood. That being said, there were some strong quotable lines I wanted to draw attention to

so fluid. soul music. a fresh breath from the stars.
step in to guard, that crossfade nirvana....electric guitar

chucks on the wire, milk crate on the pole
gunman for hire took em straight to the hole

There was some great writing interspersed in this verse, but again I just felt that the storyline was something I've seen before without a twist on it.

Vote -- Cimmerian

[UnbornBuddha]

I loved Cimmerian's imagery and his short rapid style. But if I'm being candid it is strange that it was only 12 lines when the minimum, per rule, is 16. And you then accused your competitor of breaking some rule. I mean I don't really care, but just an observation.
And I felt that verse has some loose ends, especially in the interconnectedness of the entire piece. But in this brief presentation, you also manage to say much, while saying very little. Themes of loss, decay, represented by this images of embers, winter, etc. And I liked your ending. It wasn't a stereotypical finale, but ended with a sort of flip. That yes winter has passed, but also somehow always on the horizon.

Bags: I get why you chose to do what you did, but it came off as tacky. You know in songs, sometimes there is this loop or interjections within songs of famous rap quotes from other artists, usually of Rakim, or Big L, or Biggie, and it gives more credence to the song. But in this kind of writing, it gives it a different air. I enjoyed the read, it did have a 90's feel to it and it would probably sound nice recited. There were some interesting spurs of creative writing, particularly the ones that Pinot highlighted. The gunman line is very straightforward and poignant essentially. Yet, I have to vote for the writing that captivated me the most, stylistically speaking.

Vote: Cimmerian

[Pent uP]

Cimm -- this moved fast, i mean that positively, but it was partially because it was so short. You said everything that needed to be said to make the trail of thought come full circle, and you didnt miss a step. At the same time you only said 3 things: how far he traveled, when he started traveling (presumably) and that he was reflective. Wording was crisp, poetic devices were there and it was emotive. Hit all the check marks, I just wish you gave more.

Bags -- you tryna be joel? I liked what you did with this (controversey aside). Shit was fluid and gave it that old-rapper-on-the-block kind of life. It was an enjoyable read and progressed smoothly. Only problem was it followed one of the simplest formulas in rap and wasnt that interesting.

In the end I gotta give it to Cimm for writing that moved me more.

[RichardCorey]

Okay,

first and foremost, I grew up in the 90s and aside from a few lines, I don't remember any of that shit, haha! I feel bad, like I was listening to the wrong stuff or something.

Whatever the case, Bags' piece is fine. If it was his goal to create a patchwork of lines and weave them together to create a cohesive and new piece, that's perfectly fine. It's no different than what DJs do. It would be a problem if he took someone's idea and tried to pass it off as his own, but this (at least to me) appears to be an entirely new piece that has never existed before.

That being said, did his piece accomplish this? I'm going to say no.

It was nice and had some bright spots, but it seemed to be written quickly and I honestly don't have enough experience with Bags to know if this is his style or an experiment.

Like I said, it wasn't bad or horrible, I just don't think it accomplished what it set out to, because without reading about the controversy, i probably wouldn't have known what the piece was about.


Cimm's piece was damn near pure poetry. It was concise, to the point and existed wonderfully without a lot of the flowery, over exaggerated elements that come with hip hop writing in general.

The February burial and the last note about how winter had past, but was also approaching was wonderfully hopeful and morose. The piece seemed to be about death and life, life and death, and the cycle of it all.

Really hard impact for a piece so short.

vote: Cimm

[NYCSPITZ]

I thought bags verse was a fresh take but didn't really pack the oomph of a storyline. Ode to 90s rap is cool but it needed more substance.

Cimm had done very nicely worded phrases going diabetes. Great imagery abs was laconic. Dont rly have any issues with it. ..dope shit.

V/ cimm

[sral]

5-0 is a KO.

Cimm advances, Bags loses.

[PancakeBrah]

V/bags