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Old 08-29-2016, 01:26 PM   #1
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Exclamation RD 1: UnbornBuddha vs Vulgar - VULGAR WINS!

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Welcome aboard motherfuckers!

This is the netcees.org S.T.I - named primarily because the majority of the board believe the topical side consists of homoerotic man poetry about rainbows and unicorns. We're here to hopefully dispel that myth once and for all! ...or confirm it, which would be equally lulzy for the casual reader but not so great for your reputations, I'd imagine.

Regardless, if you find yourself still here you can put that down to either my utter stupidity, blind belief you'll show up, or the fact you're a pretty sought after writer. Take your pick. I've assembled the greatest talent to still be doing this hallowed hobby of ours. This may well be the final opportunity for some of you to go out with a bang before retiring from text all together. For others this may be their greatest crowning achievement so far. Whichever category you fall into, I promise to pit you against some of the very best writers online and over the coming month I want you to prove why I was write to have invited you here ahead of an array of other writers that were denied their spot. It's time to show and prove, ladies.

This is where shit gets real!

House Rules:

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Check Ins are due: Wednesday 11:59 PST (You MUST check in!)
Verses are due: FRIDAY 11:59 PST.
Votes are due: The following Monday!


PLEASE VOTE ON EVERY OTHER BATTLE! I'm not here to police you guys, but it doesn't hurt to vote and it also helps ensure we keep things moving around here - these tournaments are nothing without the support of you guys. Modding is often a thankless task, and I've put in a lot of work to make this happen for you all, don't let me down!

There is NO RECYCLING, BITING ETC. Pretty standard. I shouldn't have to tell you folks that.

First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is received.

TOPIC:
@Vulgar @UnbornBuddha
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Last edited by sral; 08-29-2016 at 04:47 PM.
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Old 08-29-2016, 06:06 PM   #2
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Old 08-29-2016, 08:55 PM   #3
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Old 08-30-2016, 11:43 PM   #4
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Goebbels Budget Brain

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Goebbels
I call on you to fight for your city. Fight with everything you have got, for the sake of your wives and your children, your mothers and your parents. Your arms are defending everything we have ever held dear, and all the generations that will come after us. Be proud and courageous! Be inventive and cunning!

The Goebbels Budget Brain is an affordable replica of Joseph’s
Nazi Germany’s Minister of Propaganda, remember all the posters?
Manufactured with care by the Third Reich Anatomic Company
(71 customer reviews) Click here for product summary
A great learning tool for science majors who are really confused
about the different parts of the brain and how it’s built to compute
Price: 27.99. FREE Shipping on orders over $6 million Jews
In Stock. Gift-wrap available in black and red swastika print
This model organ is stylish, innovative. Glossy and pink.
Satisfaction ensured. It’s quite juicy, really. Try not to pinch, please
Unbeatably functional. It’ll take your mind for a blitzkrieg

The fires of intellect in Berlin are bright...
[Throw out your Anatomy textbooks now.]
Ready for a book burning tonight?

Discover new terminology with labeled vivisections (Sample some)
This brain is still pumping with 100% authentic propagandist blood!
To clean the Goebbels brain, use only soft foam and rinse
Parts are differentiated by color for easy identification. Bar-coded wrists.
Occupy the mainlands yourself. Check out the occipital lobe and stem
At any rate, you should buy it. It’s a fine, terrific deal.
Hold it, cup it in in your hands. Admire its Heinrich Himmler feel.
A militaristic texture, like a newsreel from Triumph of the Will
WARNING: Choking Hazard - Not for gassed children under 3 years


1 out of 5 stars: Buyer Beware. PLEASE READ
By Das_Juden March 11, 1936

This is definitely not a budget product. It’s just cheap as heck
Spent time searching for a good brain. Haven’t found anything decent yet
After I caught first glimpse. Horrible. Think they got the price wrong
I’m rather shocked such a low quality product is found on AMAZYKLON
Arteries are poorly drawn, it’s like a toddler with Crayola marker gone loose
It also wriggles & makes gooey noises when I make Matzo Ball soup
The cerebellum makes absolutely no sense in how it's depicted
I’m on the verge of exterminating this thing. My concentration's conflicted
Goebbels met with officers and war reporters to discuss film directives
But when it comes to putting his brain together, nothing stays connected
Investigating further, the lateral ventricle revealed an ugly stain
Turns out it’s Auschwitz oven residue. Well, that’s just fucking great.
Meanwhile, cleaning out the Goebbels, I applied a Final Solution
I don't recommend this product to anyone. I describe it as useless.


My advice? Save up for a better brain from a better propagandist.

Last edited by Vulgar; 08-31-2016 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 09-03-2016, 05:58 PM   #5
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Every day Max put on his suit and tie
Trying his best to look alive.
Distilled rye in the morning to soothe his mind.
Smiling during the day time, but into the night
He’ll lock himself in the bathroom and unwind
Turning on the faucet before screaming in anguish.
Starting at 9pm sharp began an evening of madness
Searing head stabs radiating to his trigeminal nerve
Insufferable energy bursts with no medical cure.
Helplessly whimpering huddled on the tile floor
Trying to endure once more the violent storm
Raging and shocking him in his temporal lobes.
It just kept getting more intense in its tone
And it felt like his head would explode.
He lay there prone. Experiencing a major depressive episode,
Quickly losing every sense of control - man thinks he holds.

After the fourth or fifth consecutive Verapamil dose
He reached his threshold. His breaking point.
In his despair he began to hear this faceless voice:
Who told him to log into his laptop and explore.
Aching from his joints he managed to log on and absorb
The details that will lead him down the rabbit hole.
And on that night the greatest hacker was born
Because a little unknown voice hacked his soul.
From there on, what unfolded was preprogrammed to show.
Max penetrated the deepest recesses of the cyber net
Decoding encryptions from messages and private texts
Intercepting Intel from the minds that drive society’s debt;
Sallie Mae’s student loan plans weren’t designed for success
But to possess every measly dime of our checks
Capitalizing on our desires and obsessions
As consumer data is sold to the advertiser profession.

Max’s psyche continued to decide his next step
Guiding him on his heart-wrenching nights of distress.
Infiltrating the microstructure of the spider’s web
Conceptualizing the ultimate software virus in his head
Yet his brain felt it manifested as encephalitis instead.
Living off Tylenol, hacking .GOV proxy and firewalls,
Wired up and paranoid every time someone called.
No one believed it when everything came to a halt.
Some wolves couldn’t even face it at all
Preferring to die. The sheep blamed it on God,
The scapegoat of our faults.
No one would believe - this man in constant pain was the cause.

Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 09-03-2016 at 06:02 PM.
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Old 09-03-2016, 06:15 PM   #6
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Vulgar -- i havent lost it like i did at "das_juden" and amazyklon. This would have been perfect for the martyrs tournament you hosted (not to say its not perfect here). Cross contaminating timelines (crayola/amazon/shipped sales/catalogs with a 1936 date) makes me cringe a bit as it works against your intended 'reality' here. On the other hand, in fantasy, it is quite humorous and enjoyable. I enjoyed the presentation and take on the topic a lot. Good job

Unborn -- I like the "hacked his soul" phrase, because it was both hacked like a computer and hacked to pieces. Im not sure if that was intended, but yeah. The verse moved fast, a little too fast i think. In the sense that i wasnt drawn to the character, i was just explained the circumstances. This lead to an ending which was supposed to have appeal universally (which includes me), but i just read it as words. I do like the concept of a crusading hacker who set the world free by outting all of the institutes that are slowly consuming our economy by becoming a mega-entity (the 1% etc).

In the end I felt unborns verse wasnt fleshed out enough to match the humor and topic of vulgars

Vulgar

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Old 09-04-2016, 05:52 PM   #7
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Vulgar, this is pretty sharp satire. I did some wiki'ing on this Goebbels character after my first read, and after getting a decent idea of who he was, read it again and I found that the tone of the piece was altered and the wit more striking. The Amazyklon reference had to be the strongest. That takes a great deal of creativity and balls to come up with that and put it out there for an audience that you're not sure gets the reference. I was quite immersed in the world you built and the humour you used. It's a great take on the topic and a solid use of imagination. And overall, it wasn't ham-handed or overly-political. It was fun to read. I was a big fan of this verse. My one critique would be that the product review, you have to assume, is from a Jewish consumer... and we're left with the indication that Das Juden were actively seeking Nazi propaganda to fill their minds. Given that the Nazis hated Jews, why would they want to purchase a propagandist brain?

UnbornBuddha - I feel storywise and tone-wise there's less edge here than in Vulgar's verse. The opening stanza included great rhymes at times, but I think it was a little voerly descriptive and the narrative itself was pretty stagnant. 16 lines felt a little over-indulgent to describe this guy's headaches. The next stanza.. the indicatino is that the drug Verapamil awakens this inner voice that turns him into a hacker. Sounds like a helluva drug! But seriously, I think there needs to be more here and in the resolution.It just kinda felt like, "A guy gets headaches and becomes a hacker". Like, I wanted a little more depth all around to make me relate to Max more.

Vote -- Vulgar
Felt he struck a chord better overall and there was more overall depth to his work.
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Old 09-04-2016, 07:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Given that the Nazis hated Jews, why would they want to purchase a propagandist brain?
Quote:
And overall, it wasn't ham-handed or overly-political. It was fun to read
COME ON FAM

Vulgar definitely has the VOTW here. This is just a crazy, fantastical take on the topic. What's so good about it too, is that, he didnt really use anything like a conveyor belt, or a factory setting. He literally scoped the image for what it was. Propaganda. Wrote a verse about propaganda, and that's it. I almost forgot about the image, scrolled up and just said 'very good'. The contrast between actual relics from different eras is another layer he peeled back for the audience to glare at. Again, this is very very obvious fiction, but it's a good story. A lot of things that are fiction are crazy and can create emotion. Doesn't mean the reality of the situation or writing is any less important, or good. This reminds me of a parallel fictional program, The Man In The High Castle. It's indeed fiction, that's the point, where the writers captivate is in the story and how it captures the audience in emotion, detail, etc - basically everything that makes something good. I think to compare the fantasy/reality of it is weird cause it's very obvious the whole point of the entire verse. AMAZYKLON was good, almost read like a stock market listing. It just has so many layers, and similar to Pinots verse, had humor but displayed another level beyond that. The factual metaphors, the keywords of what actually was, but again, with a childish, serious acceptance of the entire consumer/propaganda aspect. I feel this was masterfully done because of the lack of actual time spent into it. I think this was the first verse up - it just writes itself. All you had to do was add your spin, your signature and polish it and you there you have it. Adding all the extra stuff was just an extra spin to an already entrenched tye-dye.


Unborn

The thing I quickly noticed here is that, you started off with Max, as a character. The character. This is similar to what Pinot did with Joey, but it's actually just abandoned all the mechanics of his storyline and you added your own spin to to it. Unborn style. The thing here is that, something I didnt tell Pinot, is that I HATE when stories start off with, hey I'm Johnny blah blah, and heres my thingy thing. It's just so overdone at this point (anagram for point is pinot, btw) I actually almost eyeroll when it happens.

Quote:
Trying his best to look alive.
Distilled rye in the morning to soothe his mind.
Smiling during the day time, but into the night
He’ll lock himself in the bathroom and unwind
Turning on the faucet before screaming in anguish.
Starting at 9pm sharp began an evening of madness
Searing head stabs radiating to his trigeminal nerve
what set me off here is, that, usually this isnt your style. I think. Or for the most part, when you read writing like this you say "this was funny" when I think, it wasnt funny at all. So I'm not sure, if you think this is funny, this is your humor, or what you're going for. Granted, I already know the writer so these are questions I had to bare in mind.


Quote:
He lay there prone. Experiencing a major depressive episode,
Quickly losing every sense of control - man thinks he holds.

After the fourth or fifth consecutive Verapamil dose
He reached his threshold. His breaking point.
In his despair he began to hear this faceless voice:
Who told him to log into his laptop and explore.
Aching from his joints he managed to log on and absorb
The details that will lead him down the rabbit hole.
And on that night the greatest hacker was born
Because a little unknown voice hacked his soul.
The first thing that came to mind is, that usually a word sticks out to me when reading something, and that word is usually an emotion, or something that I feel during the verse. All I read here was RAGE, or something to that extent. Something angry. Which is okay, but again, like I said with other votes. This isn't the first round of some random tournament. And I feel that going against better writers, you'll have to tweak something, so insignificant (which i think you did) but something that'll work to your advantage. It's not formulaic. So you'll just have to figure that out, but the process in doing so may prove to be differential. Like other writers, they always give you a feel. Some write about the same things, but it's always layered with tidbits of emotion, tiny capsules of relics, nuances, beautifully hand woven thoughts. This was just in 6th gear towards angry the entire way, well atleast so far as I have quoted.


Quote:
Max’s psyche continued to decide his next step
Guiding him on his heart-wrenching nights of distress.
Infiltrating the microstructure of the spider’s web
Conceptualizing the ultimate software virus in his head
Yet his brain felt it manifested as encephalitis instead.
Living off Tylenol, hacking .GOV proxy and firewalls,
Wired up and paranoid every time someone called.
No one believed it when everything came to a halt.
Some wolves couldn’t even face it at all
Preferring to die. The sheep blamed it on God,
The scapegoat of our faults.
No one would believe - this man in constant pain was the cause.
I liked the direction you took this in relation to the image. It's not what hurt you here, but what is doing it in this tourny so far (from what I've read) is captivation, a deviation of the norm, and the ability to feel. Also, mechanics is high up on that list, and clever, witty one liners will definitely help to move things along and shift weight. I found little, to none here, and with a grand opponent dropping one of my favorite verses from a topical standpoint, in awhile. I think you just failed to deliver something super exceptional.

thanks.
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If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
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Old 09-05-2016, 01:50 PM   #9
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Vulgar

A very creative take on the topic. It was humorous and engaging. I think in order to get all the creativity and references in, you had to sacrifice some flow. But it was a fun read nonetheless.

UnbornBuddha

Your verse flowed well. I had some trouble understanding how the verse related to the picture, which I assumed depicted media's affect on the mind. Hyper-technical constructive criticism: I don't think the term "medical cure" is commonly used. Medical treatment is provided in hopes of obtaining a cure. Anyway, it stuck out in my brain a little.

Vote: Vulgar
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Old 09-07-2016, 02:20 PM   #10
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Vulgar, I can't be the only one who moved my mouse over that bullshit link. Opening up the piece with a quote and an emboldened title is textbook top tier. Richard Corey implemented that device, and it is truly an elite topicalist tool. Vintage Vulgar. Brazenly written. The flow was very index cardish. Just an outlandish take. On a side-note, getting you to sign up was like pulling teeth. Last one to sign up, first to post? Nice work. I didn't put in the effort to look up the Gobbells backstory, if it is indeed a true story or not. With that said, it has struck my fancy after numerous reads and I may google it. Probably not. Maybe I'll youtube it (Things they don't want you to know series?) The effect of this verse was like a firing line, though. Just ballsy, cutthroat, sadistic humor. Not sure if I should've found it funny or not. Ending the verse on a non-rhyming sentiment is always abstract. Gives the piece a different depth. Appreciate you being back and writing at a level we all expect of you. As far as critique goes, the cerebellum/verge of exterminating sequence illustrated to me a certain uncertainty there. A kind of real world detail that slipped in. I think this was streamlined rather efficiently, though it appeared for a second that you may lose focus on your premise and stumble into a obscure ending.

UnBornBuddah, valiant verse in our finals match up. I will say that a few of your inconspicuous submissions in the sub forum are some of your best work. They fly under the radar. I've read a few that rivaled your championship verse or surpassed it. Stylistically, you've adapted to an abbreviated line length, abandoning your more full fledged thought process. Here your dialed in. A very basic verse that bordered on ordinary. Granted, time wasn't on your side. I try to avoid giving my characters names that don't have any double meaning. Max may refer to "to the max", though, so that is clever, because your character is at his max, so to speak. The first stanzas latter half had a tone I'm sure you're familiar with.

UnBornBuddah would've beaten most of the sub ins with that verse to the topic. Unfortunately, his opponent is one of the Rushmore, and just proved why.

MVGT Vulgar
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Old 09-07-2016, 04:46 PM   #11
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Quick vote.

Vulgar wrote a verse that supports his reputation. A creative flourish distinctly his style. Worthy of a better breakdown. Good take on the topic. Buddha wrote a technically sound verse that lacked the panache of his opponent's. Good work by both though.

V/vulgar
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