08-19-2021, 04:10 PM | #1 |
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The Gulch
I’m loathing the lack of
moments so tranquil coulda sold em for a handful of Doxepin samples so I buy me some: time/tatted white rabbit a vile addict on Romeo’s flask and am I probing a habit through this coveted language of mine and some.. disposable factors? like my vocal chord’s stagnant on your mother tongue/larynx and my moral codes lacking in my covalent spectrum this pondering penchant of mine.. causes oxygen absence no Leviathan coercing the sentence so don’t hold me to standards of a poet in anguish really, I’m just a loaner of patterns and art is perceptive! and for the people! but what you don’t see is.. I woulda sold it to fandom if it was holdin‘ some value to any lonesome man/savage Juliette complex: we’re on a constant culprit conscious the amusement’s conflict juke on boxes plus a nickel for your time - Vaudeville novice living off a rhyme’s sake it’s a fucking mind state rumour has it.. had a bodkin in hand and left the tip in his flask - youthful bargain when tragedy plus time’s poured in a glass with some carnal matter it’s a corny enactment |
08-19-2021, 05:42 PM | #2 |
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I fucked with it.
There was some slight mis-matching syllabically early on but nothing major enough to distract me from the enjoyment of it. It read like a simple enough finger flexing, done quickly to knock the dust off presumably. It’s cool enough for what it is, though I must admit I’m not the biggest fan of this/that type end rhymes used personally. Lol. It reminded me of @Witty in parts, truth be told, though a little less direct and planned out- this read more free form to me and less prepared, which is what I think you went for, more train of thought keystyle ish fun than anything else. It’s enjoyable. Keep that pen moving!
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08-20-2021, 12:06 AM | #3 | |
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doopppeeee.. impeccable flow
"so I buy me some: time/tatted white rabbit a vile addict on Romeo’s flask and am I probing a habit through this coveted language of mine and some.. disposable factors? like my vocal chord’s stagnant on your mother tongue/larynx and my moral codes lacking in my covalent spectrum this pondering penchant of mine.. causes oxygen absence no Leviathan coercing the sentence so don’t hold me to standards of a poet in anguish really, I’m just a loaner of patterns and art is perceptive! and for the people! but what you don’t see is.. I woulda sold it to fandom if it was holdin‘ some value to any lonesome man/savage" |
08-20-2021, 01:43 AM | #4 |
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lotta cool near-rhymes or slant rhymes. And syllable-matches.
Based on reading it multiple times, I thought it would rap better aloud. I was wrong. Could be just my own shortfall at rapping though. Cool piece. |
08-20-2021, 11:31 AM | #5 |
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08-20-2021, 11:40 AM | #6 |
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dope verse, the juliette complex was the tightest part for me..
the rhyme structure was solid and substance all in all vocab tight.. nice one
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08-22-2021, 04:09 AM | #7 |
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Really liked the way you bounced around flow wise, it kept the piece engaging. It sort of kept it going like a montage cutting to different scenes, vocabulary was nice and imagery was very cool. It was an entertaining read
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08-23-2021, 04:58 AM | #8 |
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threre isnt one singldood that could mss with me
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08-24-2021, 04:01 PM | #9 |
rhyme capsule.
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nice rhymes, ebullient phrasing, verged on nonsensical at points (might be the punctuation or lack thereof) and ebbed more than flowed in the middle. but may that was intentional, it's all about the interplay after all. but a fun, rhythmic, stream of conscious - which is kind of my thing.
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09-02-2021, 01:30 AM | #10 |
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ebullient you know
"yo, you good famski?" "yeah for sure, im ebullient rn my g" you son of a bitch |
09-02-2021, 12:20 PM | #11 |
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I appreciate it! Special love for ebullience indeed
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09-09-2021, 08:07 AM | #12 |
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Hi Alice, you have seriously improved. Not that you weren't great before but this was very good. It flowed impeccably to me. It was a really fun read.
Also cheers for the shout out @sraL
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09-28-2021, 01:38 PM | #13 |
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Thank you + Mr Fox.
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10-07-2021, 11:48 AM | #14 | |
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I feel drunk after reading this, but in a good, cheerful, non-aggressive sort of way. The rhyme scheme was exceptional—the slants, hanging rhymes and inners were all very well done. The fall down the rabbit hole was as complexed as it was enthralling—as to was your choice in vocabulary. Eventful read, Alice.
“ really, I’m just a loaner of patterns and art is perceptive! and for the people! but what you don’t see is.. I woulda sold it to fandom if it was holdin‘ some value to any lonesome man/savage Juliette complex: we’re on a constant culprit conscious the amusement’s conflict juke on boxes plus a nickel for your time - Vaudeville novice living off a rhyme’s sake it’s a fucking mind state” ^loved it!
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10-07-2021, 12:21 PM | #15 |
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Time tatted white rabbit
Dope
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10-07-2021, 04:13 PM | #16 |
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Flow rolled off the tongue well
Kept readers going along til the end. Look forward to reading more from ya
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02-13-2023, 09:08 PM | #17 |
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but its still good.. .and a great changeup style.
Classic You should be an English teacher... Ups soon Wise *****Ediiitttt (NEW 2023 FEED) 2 Years ago I made what appears to be a "dickey" post... Basically I loved the verse... (Yet I managed to make a snarky/snide comment about "audio" [or, my lack of execution])... AND on this Third Look over the years, I dare say, ONE of the best (for it's style--ever; and arguably HOF worthy for the uniqueness).... Pure English class. Memorable phrases/ sometimes whole lines. Good flow...and creativity (IF [as I did not do 2 years ago] you let it breath/hesitate/whatever it takes to get the flow/open-mic-rhyminess... @Alice You may not top your oldie but we dare you for another - even shortie. ************** *Final edit: Might I add? Also an all-time Top Title for a piece IMO... just such an old english "phonetic" WORD. Gulch. Fuck.* Moving riiiiight along Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 02-16-2023 at 10:57 PM. |
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