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Old 09-09-2016, 08:24 AM   #1
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Default ELITE EIGHT: Richard Corey vs. Vulgar - OPEN FOR VOTES!





Welcome back motherfuckers!

Huge props if you’ve made it this far first and foremost! That initial round of sixteen had some absolutely CRAZY matchups but nothing like what’s to come here in the Elite Eight! There’s never been a tournament quite like this one, not with a field so open as to who could eventually win. This is it fellas! Time to show and prove. Slip up, and you’re out. It really is that simple. No second chances. It’s go hard, or go home and cry about it because we aren’t trying to hear that shit. These writers remaining are some of the best in the world, the greatest to have ever done this, and only one can be crowned champion… but who will it be? We’ll get a more realistic view after this round as the competition has now been halved, and will again after this round. Do you have what it takes to become the STI champion?


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First to post may edit verse until opponent posts his verse. Second to post may edit their verse up until the first vote is cast.







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Old 09-09-2016, 10:01 AM   #2
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Vulgar, old friend.

Let's make it a good one.
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Old 09-09-2016, 10:27 AM   #3
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Historic...
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Old 09-12-2016, 11:37 PM   #4
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Of Mice and Lens


Ladies and gentlemen
You are about to hear a true story…
My name’s Baron Von Glass
and it’s better if I keep things fairly compact.

I’m a film director from the mouse kingdom…
Kingdom being an overstatement
Most of us live under the floorboards, our little snouts wrinkling
To get a taste of that bitter kitchen cheese...
washed down by stout drinking to get rid of inconsistencies
Deliver me. From mediocre productions put out by the industry…
we’re a young venture, admittedly. But we're doing great in fact!
We won a Golden Tail award for the controversial film:
They Blame Us For Plagues—We Blame Them For Spinning Ventilation Shafts
We accepted an award & received praise from Eleanor Gottfried
after she saw the screening and reviewed the message
she said: “Mice doing lab experiments in film; for THAT I have a true affection!”

We have our friend Hans Lukovic here; expert in Dutch translation
But hiz Inglish izn’t zo good… zo plez... try hav peshuns...
He's a former barepaw boxer. It’s good to have ‘em on the team
Otherwise, wandering cats on the block would tear us to smithereens
He has a jumping attack that’s just superb. Smashes their outer shells.
No point in telling you what he did to Gertrude the Gargantuan
You’ll just hafta buy the film with the same name & watch it for yourselves...

There’s Mr. Wigglestache, the old human bookkeeper who stinks of garlic,
drinks ‘til he vomits, collects books & the occasional mature comic
He owns the place we live in, the unofficial landlord with a swollen face
& a round belly too, probably from eating all those Polish crepes
Our humble town from underground is etched in gnawed lumber
we get water from the pipes & food from restaurant dumpsters
but we’re content enough about it all - we’re everywhere the humans go
even adopted their enthusiasm for movies - started Von Glass Studios
The new 'docu' in the works is gonna put furry butts in the seats
95 percent finished editing… it’s got substance, it’s deep
(by editing I mean chewing edges of Technicolor print & cutting out squeaks)
Our film crew is myself and two cam assistants
Agnes, Franz, & Hans for protection against street cats and pigeons
The film's about complete immersion
portraying a day in the life of what they see as vermin
We hope to be treated as equal persons, to rise from beneath the surface
We used sabotage in the past. Now we aim for a greater purpose
Honestly, eating through electric wires always made me nervous...

Mapped out the film locations/transportation - decided to go by clotheslines
The Rat Mob controls the sewer routes, that place is loaded with known spies!
rival filmmakers with false credentials that are so inflated
I don’t get the hype! Rat Race sucked, & Ratatouille was overrated

So anyway... get this… we’re in our final scene.
peeking out of trash cans, hanging from the vines of trees
The way a predator stares into our little souls,
it’s almost like we’re designed to flee…
A passing cat named Trowbridge spotted us! A rather violent breed
with knife-like teeth, it leapt at us with blinding speed, inclined to cleave
We hopped in a toy car with the camera mounted on the back
in our heads, thinking: “HOLY RAT SHIT, IT'S TIME TO LEAVE!”

We raced back Mr. Wigglestache's. The rest is history, I'm proud to say
I took in full sight of the approaching beast! Salivating & brownish gray
In seconds, its fierce paws were clasped around my body firmly
From this predicament I was likely not emerging so didn’t bother squirming
“Ohhh, I get it, you're film-makas!” Trowbridge shouted.
“True... Well, it might get graphic soon on this lovely afternoon
Keep the cameras rollin' cuz I’m the coolest cat from Baton Rouge”

I was captivated by him! What charisma!
“Sir," I stammered
"Before you play with my corpse & discard my bones
you seem like an interesting character...
Would you like to have a starring role?”

Trowbridge licked his lips, then paused,
wagging his tail in considerable thought
The next moment, he picked me up in his jaws!
and I felt him hesitate - then he dropped me
I’m with it, boss! But I'm warnin' you.
No Aristocats sequels or the whole thing's off..."

Last edited by Vulgar; 09-14-2016 at 10:55 PM.
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Old 09-17-2016, 02:20 AM   #5
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I'm writing, I swear, I'll have it up
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Old 09-18-2016, 02:58 AM   #6
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Predators prey

The city’s new star slunk to the darkest part of the bar
then ordered himself a beer and something dark in a jar
The TV static sparked and the door flew open
As his squad loudly rolled in, hopping out their cop cars
“Does lil’ Jimmy got lock jaw,” Sargent Ivan grinned,
parked his butt onside of Jim and ordered up a Heineken.
Meanwhile, the screen espoused what he was poutin’ about:
Press once again catching a cat with a mouse in his mouth.
“Goddamn…everybody’s got a camera now.”
Jim groaned, sipping a beer and along with a tad bit of Crown.
This was going to get worse before it gets any better,
he thought, raising his glass and drinking the last of it down.
Things had been so crazy lately with all the mice hyped chatter
screaming, Rat Lives Matter in large passionate crowds
It all began over the course of maybe five or six months,
When some nine-year-old punk showed his ass to the town
They say he had ADHD, but he was most likely a drunk,
ignoring that psychological junk a patrol cat took him down.
Protect and Serve, right? What’d they expect him to do?
He’s was a cop, and it was just a standard arrest for the dude.
The kid didn’t follow orders and insisted on resisting,
not listening; the cop put his foot on his neck and he stood.
He heard a pop! … The kid’s body stopped fidgeting
The cop shrugged cos the only thing now left was his food.
“They need to just accept it, we’re cats!” Ivan attested.
Still the riotous message from those in fiery protest said
that rightfully arresting is entirely different than the insistence
of some bad cats who wish to kill, devour and digesting them.

“Do he really need to eat the kid, though,” a reporter had asked,
interviewing Jim a week after the “murder” had passed.

“I don’t understand the question.”

and Jim honestly didn’t.

The mouse was dead, eating him was the officer’s business.
Call it instinct, muscle memory, this was just what they did.
It was second nature, it wasn’t hatred. It just sucks for the kid.

And now it was Jim’s turn. His face lighting the screen:
the new spokesperson for the brutality of mice by police.

“They’ll never understand,” Ivan had begun to cry
Another cop beside him began to one-arm hug the guy.
Jim paid his bill and slunk out the back from the crowd
As the others began singing how they were cats and still proud.

*****

Jim walked the streets in a way that betrayed his confusion.
What was the city doin’, having him released without pay?
Meanwhile, it seemed every day, the mice all ran wild
And the police rank and file did nothing to keep people safe.
He walked steady through the square, lost inside his thoughts
and a phosphorous sorta smog, hanging heavy in the air.
Fists clinched and enranged, “officers know the costs
and the responsibility of loss. We live with it every day!”
So walking through the fog, passed anonymous judges
carrying obvious grudges against the new monster of it all.
Fuck this. Jim saw a fountain and crawled to the top of the wall
“What about when an officer falls!? Yeah, how about then?
It’s in my nature to kill and fuck if it’s awkward to y’all
I’m not casting an ominous pall over my favorite skill.
Why should I change? You tell your kids to honor us all;
Bet you never ponder that part, or stay outside of my range.
Fuck all you poor pieces of shit, you’re all comically off
and unironically soft and only exist cos us police, we see fit.
And the dead are hardly a loss to your mess of a community
So this stupd test of your unity is simply not gonna wash.
A crowd stood in horror, appalled; but he was rightfully ignorant
and righteously indignant, so no one with any gall got involved.
Nor were there thoughts to dissolve, till a mouse sprung up from the pack
“that’s fuckin’ funny cat, but why don’t you save that talk for a dog.”

Jim stood their sweating, tone death… in all seriousness,
garely treading water in the strong undercurrents of obliviousness.

“I don’t…I don’t get what you mean.”

and Jim probably wouldn’t.

he was a cop, and any dog that could attack authority shouldn’t.
It horribly stinks…
muscle memory, is this how police think
Or is it that nature and maybe hatred

are both partly instinct
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Old 09-18-2016, 01:57 PM   #7
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Vulgar: "Honestly, eating through electric wires always made me nervous", LOL.
You continue on your satirical rampage, which flavors your referential phrasing giving it a certain pizazz. What I find interesting is that in this tournament you been writing satirical takes (and they are funny), but compared to other writers there's not a lightheartedness to your comedy. This is not a criticism anything, it is actually quite interesting. There is seriousness embedded within this style without overly being serious. I don't know if this your intent, but it comes off as very refined. I do have to say I didn't really enjoy the spin on the whole filmmaking bit and this 'woe is me' plight from their subterranean dwelling for equal rights to humankind. The latter felt like something derived from Stuart Little. That said I thought the writing, the phrasing, the language used, and so on was superb. Good job!

Richard Corey: An interesting interpretation of the topic, that is relevant to modern societal issues. This pieces of course since they are relatable have a different impact on the reader, since its touching upon issues that they might have under went or have strong feelings about. That said. I felt like there was an overarching sameness to your last piece in the previous round. Of course, the narrative is different, but thematically there is a parallel one can draw. This is not a negative, but does demonstrate a similar take with just perhaps a different lens. It seems like a continuation or a different chapter to your last verse. Your have a most natural storytelling, where the rhymes seem to disappear and it seems like they are not there. But why I think Vulgar bested you here is because he had a more creative take on the topic. Yes it was more literal, in some sense, yours was more interpretative, but the way he executed it was testament to his creativity.

Vote: Vulgar
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Old 09-22-2016, 10:03 PM   #8
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i need some sleep but will try and get back to this.
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Old 09-23-2016, 02:18 AM   #9
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Deleted my old post, posting an actual vote here.

I particularly hate overly comfortable people. Yet, I have a proclivity for drinking dangerous amounts of whiskey and wandering towards my car, barefoot. Hypocrisy.

VULGAR-

Before anything else, Ratatoille is not overrated. Only behind Wall-E, in my estimation.

Anyways, you always walk this thin line, to me. I don't know if you have the sharpest critical eye on the site, or the broadest. I would lean towards the former, but it's impossible to tell. You write these sweeping, I don't know, parables. And within them are concise, fresh ideas. But also, layups. Always with a backbone of genuinely unique wording, phrasing, and rhyming. I just don't know if you're an idiot or the smartest person on the site. Because it's so easy to write from the prospective you wrote here, but no one could do it how you did. With the flourishes of character, the specifically couched allusions. The narrative itself was punched up, with different aspects (sometimes tangential [for tangential's sake], sometimes for needed flavor). And the ending was hokey, but hokey within your own universe, perfectly suited for your purpose. To just take this topic and just write the literal picture itself is a microcosm of you, as a topicalist. Because it should be shit. But you're able to pack so much commentary into it that it's great. Or not! All I can say, definitively, was that I read it looking forward to each next line. Sometimes you get overly wayward. That didn't happen here. A treat.

RICHARD COREY-

Started didactic, hinted toward subtlety and truth, then just dove straight into didactic. Drank the water clean there. Nothing left. The cop's/cat's diatribe was not good, and the use of 'pall' for rhyming was particularly bad. I've never met a person who drops multiple "cos"'s then drops a "pall" on me. Overall, your style is extremely smooth, for the first verse I've read from you. If a characteristic can be derived from that. The form was overall strong, aside from the long quotation, which was weak. And the verse just hit you over the head, repeatedly, with the point. We get it, your perspective. But there was little nuance here.

Vulgar spoke more about Richard Corey's whole point without speaking about it at all, while being more creative. Clear cut to me.

v/ Vulgar.
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Old 09-23-2016, 02:36 AM   #10
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Vulgar: This piece was really entertaining. You wrote with a lively voice that emanated the sleaze-shine of Hollywood, but in a toned down, PG-13 Richard Scary kind of way. I like that you went with this approach as opposed to going with a concept-heavy piece commenting on how the media affects us or something like that; this was super original. Dope.


RC: This was a really cool take on it the pic, but I'm not sure it was fully realized. Typos aside, it felt like it was rushed in places. I have no problem reading long verses, but this felt like it didn't need to be as long as it was for it to make the point that it did. I enjoyed the commentary on the blurry distinctions between instinct and institutionalization, which is effective in casting the perpetrators in a sympathetic light without dismissing or underselling their actions. There's a lot to this, and it's dope, but ultimately I think it was stretched a bit too thin to compete with Vulgar's verse.

Vote: Vulgar.
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Old 09-24-2016, 09:37 AM   #11
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Vulgar - I hate your title, but I love your opening stanza. "Fairly compact" is cool phrasing, appropriate and true to character.

I don't know when cheese is ever described as "bitter" but I really like the direction you're headed in - some kind of mouse cheese-stealing instructional video perhaps??

This is a very interesting idea.. A hoity toity film snob mouse.. I think I would've liked something a little more cartoonish and playful, but this is entertaining.

Cats on the block line is a great diversion from the narrative. Perfect side detail.

All I can say is that the Mr. Wigglestache paragraph is absolutely perfect. Hilarious! I did not object to a single word. The rhyming was fluid and maintained the fun tone.. "furry butts in seats". Stuff like that, perfect.

The paragraph between that and the chase scene was not needed - the chase scene is amazing. The idea that the cat forgoes a sure meal for fame is a good way to keep your story lighthearted. Perfect ending. I loved this piece. I think early on it was a little uneven in tone - some serious moments when I wish it was all very lighthearted - but it all got ironed out and was very very enjoyable.

Richard Corey --

Scene setting is solid - the griping about everyone having a camera now, loved it.. true to reality. Places me in your scene.
"Tad bit of crown - last of it down - passionate crowds" - stellar rhyming

The likening of cops to cats and black citizens to mice feels a bit crude and lacks the true sophistication that the metaphor needs and deserves.

"Jim honestly didn’t - officer’s business"

"Call it instinct, muscle memory, this was just what they did.
It was second nature, it wasn’t hatred. It just sucks for the kid."

This is exquisite writing. So impressed.

Why should I change? You tell your kids to honor us all;
Bet you never ponder that part, or stay outside of my range.
Fuck all you poor pieces of shit, you’re all comically off
and unironically soft and only exist cos us police, we see fit.
And the dead are hardly a loss to your mess of a community
So this stupd test of your unity is simply not gonna wash.
A crowd stood in horror, appalled; but he was rightfully ignorant
and righteously indignant, so no one with any gall got involved.
Nor were there thoughts to dissolve, till a mouse sprung up from the pack
“that’s fuckin’ funny cat, but why don’t you save that talk for a dog.”

Can I say it again? The rhyme scheme in here is crazy. Saving the rhyme for every other line is not a method that gets used much around these parts, so the effect is even greater especially given the high level of writing. "Save that talk for a dog" - the idea and thought itself is so native to your scene, but so is the phrasing. Like it sounds like something a lower class mouse would say to a cat.

Richard - I love your writing. I was hanging on each elongated 2-line rhyme to see where it would take me next. There were a few low points for me though - the paragraph after the break took quite a while to get going until the "why should I change?" line, I was just riding along. The ending left some to be desired as well.

It's hard to pick a winner here because I was mesmerized by both pieces in certain areas. After reading these verse, I have a whole new admiration for both. Based on the more enjoyable and engaging verse though, I feel more strongly about Vulgar's verse.

Vote -- Vulgar
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Old 09-25-2016, 02:45 PM   #12
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