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05-12-2014, 03:59 AM | #1 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
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Week 12: 7. Johnathan Mercy (2-2) vs. 8. Soulstice (1-2) \\ Johnathan Mercy wins 6-2
Season 3 The Basics | Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic Good luck, @Johnathan Mercy and @Soulstice.
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05-15-2014, 04:17 PM | #2 |
Hyphenated
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: The Black Lodge
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From 0 to FUTURE
It fuels alacrity inducing drive in our crude anatomy - The melody of moody malady moves with gravity Such is Her music: a soothing rhapsody oozing gradually - through reality And even though we know Her inhuman vanity We stay to bask - in Her beauty, anxiously Watching the darkness grow to harvest souls - because in our hearts we know we're spooning tragedy Turning the fruits and legacy of lucid faculties - into clouds of smoke and toothless fallacies Yet we approve this happily... eerily game - Because delirium reigns in this ruthless galaxy with resolution rooted in the material plane - growing in soil of an inferior grade The bearer of change engineering our fates - The draining embrace of our mysterious dame She is rampant entropy; - A phantom entity of vast complexity And while we cocaine-addled mammals helplessly, try to recapture our mental balance chemically She'll show her outstanding lack of empathy - and ravage destinies faster than you can whack a Kennedy Chaos in the guise of apparent symmetry slashing with brevity through our sarcastic pleasantries in Her totality with iron cast integrity fanatic enmity and volcanic ecstasy turning living memories into ashes endlessly - and eager tributes into unhappy elegies When she offers Her hand we buck and recoil obstruct and avoid - to finally grasp it desperately What you'll find in her destructive clutches is joy - something to nothing touched by the void She will chase you forever till you surrender and accept you will be aging together Resplendent like an amethyst, - She's our existential catalyst with confrontational temper She's expectant - so we accept her rage and displeasure - and look away when she goes on the occasional bender |
05-16-2014, 08:22 PM | #3 |
native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453408 |
How It Ended up Ending
"I was, once - before I lost my fingers" The solemn figure paused, eyes glossed in history His voice wraught with misery - "I can't smuggle no more" A seasoned runner - used to shuttle drugs from the wharf To hungry wardens of street tablets, mixtures, and more Each consorting in precincts with vicious accord He was the sly antecedent of a city at war. "This isn't a score.." Sha responded "This is something bigger than that You won't need the shadows, not even the trigger, in fact, don't even tell me your real name, Doc, we'll be finished quick." "You smarmy fuck. Smarten up. This isn't for shit.." "It's for power, Doc!", his soul leaking ambition Sha's a new breed of villian - conceived by the prestige of a vision Unbeatable - A gangster god: his perfect purposeful plan From some small time crime, to wanting the world in his hands The bullets tickled his ear - "fucking fuck! Fuck Sha, fuck the Doctor" The gutless mobster mumbled - reflections in muddy water Made his trigger finger wither in fear - this foggy bayou plot had gone rotten - his stomach bound in knots by the sound of shots ringing from the police boat - red and blue and angry Sha had already dealt death to two - that wasn't the plan The shaking man recalled the circumstance, his nervous compliance To help Sha recover those curious items to sate his urgent desires He was supposed to be muscle - turned invertebrate squire A month's pay for a coward who lived alone in the gutter Broken and gutted - been on the run from something different for years Why change now? He wondered as the sirens continued to near "It's time to go - later suckers, good luck in your coffins" The cops swam him down fast, inhuman, quick as dolphin Sha peeked out from the captains chair riddled in holes & damaged in swaths across the middle - this physical toll has diminished his soul, but this rage flickers within him And ignites all ten of his body's physical systems In youth, infinite wisdom is replaced by desperate pride He heard a splash and a howl - not content to die Like that feckless guy he brought on to protect his side He'd let his techs decide his fate - he jumped out dual-wielding Screaming, shuffling laterally - his shots resulting in casualties Too tough for this cavalry - of lawmen, he dove forward And took one in the temple. Stone frozen in post mortem Doc was bowside - laughing about the doomed plan Too much hubris, too much fear, not enough of a new man He knew the museum - so he helped them break and enter Glanced at the strange crate they stole - didn't care for the contents Acutely aware of the onset - of death's dreary denouement No fear - just a happy recollection of his smuggling days While reality around him crumbled; bludgeoned and razed The cops regrouped, shouted, loaded some equipment to use As Doc killed the engine, sat down, and whistled a tune 49 lines. we agreed id go over by a couple via pm |
05-17-2014, 01:48 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
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Intense. I think both takes were exceptional. JM took the downside to the verse where the content was loosely based on the thematic elements introduced. Soulstice told a story in theory. It all ends with perspective and which one was more polished. They both were about equally polished and I enjoyed both on a different spectrum, while soulstice had slick storytelling, the dialogue turned me off a tarn. & while JM had smooth transitional elements I think he lacked a central role or element in the introduction of his upload. Sometimes JM lost me with just the lack of a hyperfocused premise. voting for soulstice
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05-17-2014, 06:29 AM | #5 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
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Soul- your ability to tell a story, fluidly, is superb. You never faltered, nothing more than minor any way, just a smooth read. I like how you painted the picture, but that wasn't the focal point, it was the characters in the painting rather. Dope story of theft, mobsters, shoot outs, death, police chase and getaway. The conversation sequences were nice as well, this is tough to write as one of either flow or natural dialogue are usually sacrificed or over played. You found that happy medium. I enjoyed the read my friend, when all was said and done I wish there was more meat in the middle, more details on the shoot out our just expanding in general. That's a plus, it's much better than me reading and disliking, and not wanting to read again because it wasn't good. Ive read yours a few times and still enjoy it.
Merc- so I originally thought the woman you spoke of was mother earth, I'm now second guessing myself because you gave her character actions....hmm. I took the Verse as, the woman, being each of our inner demon, and how we love her ways, the evil tendencies, the beauty; yet we are one with her and accept the chaos WE are. Her and I, are one, the beautiful struggle, kind hearted and evil. The writing itself is dope. The transition in flow alone is seamless, easy and quit frankly how I wish I could move. But in the end, the vagueness plays against you here. Clash of two different styles, story vs topical, both written with the highest of skill in there own rights. I thoroughly enjoyed both reads like 6 times each, no lie. Voting soul Jm lyrically killed his topic, but to me was off topic a bit, if that makes sense. A tad more focus would have sealed the victory. Souls narrative was written just as smooth, but the cohesiveness locked in the vote
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 05-17-2014 at 06:46 AM. |
05-18-2014, 01:09 PM | #6 |
Licking Lily's..
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 706
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Rep Power: 3565730 |
Mercy:
avatar hmmm meeze thinks that that is awesome.. i will be saving that pic :) the liquid, viral disease flushing its way straight down the page – kinda reminds of a story i was told about las vegas and its 3d pokie machines.. the ghost buster one Internal rhymes are nichhheee kinda like im splooshing around in it.. Hitting the modern zone of sarcasm and then into the totality, with the added splash of enmity doth EMITS a pungent flavour of NAPOLEON the pig.. we buck and recoil obstruct and avoid I like.. The acceptance of the world as truly raw and brutal as she is, was what made this verse.. So The reader lands into your caring hands at the end.. holding us above the cess pool underneath soulistice: Man otay i was kinda hoping you put the word SKAllywag in their but you did not, and now i hate you.. ahh kinda love the fact you caught Mercy’s hand ish.. Your story as far as characters goes cool, you got your main bumpen so his jumpen around, taking ish moven ish.. scenery action all set very smoothly.. The story its self is ok, this is where it feel.. i was reading a book so kinda like the book they read in pleasantvile.. i don’t remember atm due to that fact its late and the f’cken VOICE was on Tv for what felt like 10hrs today.. But yeh anywhoot it was just the rhymes and tbh it doesn’t matter on a mammoth scale but i would rather someone add diction and description then sacrifice it for a flat rhyme.. YAEO MEAN Vote = Johnathon Mercy Nice the wee lil portal he opened up was nice to slide down and muck around in.. I had fun g/l guys
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05-18-2014, 10:05 PM | #7 |
The Throne, The Crown
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Story versus topical. This is a tough one to decide on. You both excelled in your respective directions. And you both also lacked where the other gained. Jonathan, your diction was strong. You have a deft touch with your vocabulary and use it very well. You did take a direct approach to the picture, but I felt the perspective kept this from being to vague. I don't necessarily know who "She" refers to, but I figure it could be a goddess of war, war itself or something within human nature. Whatever it is, you did a nice job descriptively. I would have liked a bit more depth though, because it does feel like more could be added, but I can't complain much, it still is a solid read overall. Soulstice, you took the story route. More interesting approach. Dialogue and action were the driving force of your piece. Kept me intrigued throughout. Whereas JM used the picture directly, you took a more fresher approach, using this scene of war to describe what apparently is a drug war or something. Pretty cool. Content and concept were strong. A bit more character description could have helped, and better dialogue distinction. But an enjoyable read though, good stuff.
As I said before, this one is tough. One one side, a well written topical with good diction and description. The other side an action packed story in the middle of some drug war. Soulstice had the fresher approach, and JM took a more safe, direct route. Where I draw the line is the dialogue in Soulstice piece and not enough clarity with the story. It had the content, but didn't feel it tied as well to the topic as much as JM's, which wasn't as much an exciting read, but the writing was good and he rounded his piece much better to the picture given here. MVGT: Johnathan Mercy. Good job by both competitors.
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05-18-2014, 10:19 PM | #8 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Jonathan Mercy - The writing in this was outstanding, very on point. What I took from this is that the divine feminine, while she fills our voids and we love her psychological company that makes us feel warm and woozy, she is also responsible for multiple wars and chaotic doctrines through our intense dependence on her presence. We withdraw from women like a drug, since ancient civilization to now. Her effect is curious, intoxicating, and sometimes devastating to the city of souls.
Soulstice - lol, I feel like I just heard the Good, the Bad and the Ugly music come on at the end of the second read. You handled your approach very skillfully and delicately. The diction was pinpoint in some areas while the rhyming suffered in some areas, i.e. the dolphin part felt out of place. The tale of an ex-smuggler stirring up the bees for personal nostalgia, a strange exploitation of young motolovs, was a good one in response to the topic. Jonathan Mercy gets my vote. I liked his verse a little more but this was a close match! |
05-18-2014, 11:49 PM | #9 |
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Jonathan Mercy
Wonderfully wicked. The wrap around phrases are a thing of beauty. The tempo/pacing is something to marvel at. The flow is really remarkable. You make the schemes come alive off the screen like a professional lyricist. The vocab is exceptional. The content is rather vague but it in a classic, forgivable way. What is your weakest link is your connection with the picture. I am not a fan of searching infinitely into verses for hidden meanings. Shit should be spelled out for me. Soulstice Quotation game is on point. Always dope with the dialogue. The characters really come alive in your dialogues. The contrast of dialogue and description is always 3D. Again though I'm having trouble matching it up with the picture without racking my brain. I liked both joints. Soulstice told this gangster gypsy tale and Jonathan Mercy was hell bent on somebody . Enjoyed Jonathan Mercy here. Voting Jonathan Mercy. Great battle
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05-19-2014, 01:14 AM | #10 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
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I'm going to open my vote by saying I think this is the best battle of the season, and I say that having read every single battle this season.
Johnathan Mercy: Why did you start with "It" instead of "She"? The opening line might have been my least-favorite of the verse. I had to look up alacrity, and I feel very comfortable with my personal lexicon. This is a weird way to start talking about an awesome verse, but I do put a lot of stock in opening lines. The first stanza as a whole was seemingly more contingent on the rhyme scheme than anything. The second stanza was truly great, though. I really liked the Kennedy line, which had the potential to be a miss. And the final stanza wrapped things up well and perhaps added a bit to that opening stanza, which is a good sign of writing a complete verse rather than distinct stanzas. You have such tightly wound wording but maintain clarity despite the deep vocabulary and endless rhymes. It's really rather great. You (under your previous name) came after me, and I think I had always underrated you, putting you a notch below SacriFICE and a couple others from the era after my dominant run. What you've shown here is an unassailable style and complete mastery of it, and you definitely have risen on my list as a result. Soulstice: The verse limit is 650 words or 48 lines, so you didn't need to request an extension. Anyway, this verse was tremendous. Your storytelling style had me from the beginning, in part because it's a bit like my own (when I invest myself in a verse), with very natural dialogue and a lot of visual scene-setting more than simply imagery for imagery's sake. There were bits of phrasing that simply were outstanding, particularly "red and blue and angry" and "In youth, infinite wisdom is replaced by desperate pride" and the closing line. I loved the last stanza and your decision to make the crate of stolen goods into something similar to the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Your characterizations were very strong, and I had a good grip on each. But I still thought the second stanza, involving the henchman who doesn't appear at all in any of the other stanzas, was a bit of a problem. For one, the last line of that stanza was crappy. But also, it just felt so separate from the rest of the story, and I would have loved to replace that stanza with an outlay of the plot and how the heist went down instead of jumping right to the shootout. We spent a lot of time on that shootout, and while it was well-done, a move can't be two scenes long. In order to best a topical verse as strong as Johnathan Mercy's, you were going to have to tell a really rich tale. Instead, you had really rich storytelling with a bit of a thin plot. So this vote gets cast against you but comes from an admiring place. You are tremendously talented. Vote: Johnathan Mercy
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05-19-2014, 01:37 AM | #11 |
V.V
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Mercy- Mercy, Mercy Me. Damn this was dope. I'm glad I hadn't faced this verse. I loved what you did here. I'm guessing the protagonist/antagonist could have been a few personifications in space and time. I'll go for destiny, mother- nature, or maybe fate? Not sure. But what was said here had lifein it. You are well written and thoughtful in how you put things, and I love the end result of whatever you put your effort into. I think use of the picture was a bit wasted, but I think you more than made up for it with your piece being as masterful as it was. Good read, good job.
Soulstice- So the topic's pic is what they were stealing? I'm lost. This was a spiffy Vivid verse with practically no emotion that I desperately tried, toi no avail, to tie into the piece. Maybe I'm blind. But that doen't matter right now. I almost liked this piece. You were neat. And it rhymed well. But I wasn't at all connected to the characters. I feel like there should have been some kind of personal factor... a motivation for the characters to bring them to life. For it to have been so long, it didn't pack a punch of equal size. I'm being harsh. I apologize. I liked it for what it was. I just wasn't left with that lingering tingle I get when I've been touched by the subject matter... (no bosh). Overall good job. Your execution was pretty good. I think both guys obviously put a good foot forward on this. But the vastly contrasting qualities of the two pieces is what made this battle. I liked both in a different respect but hafta go with what I felt provided a more complete experience. MVGT Mercy for his execution and content. Great job guys.
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