05-20-2018, 06:15 PM | #1 |
rhyme capsule.
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sober
the mind stops.
we confuse stasis for backwards movement, i've got unused basics. acting prudent but these fundamentals are built on shaky terrain - whose falling? truth calling, does her gentle lilt ache me again, or chase in the vein a beat that resounds of a feeling i've floundered to forget. tell me how your pulse speaks and its pound you reject? now it's false speech as the sound you respect. white-knuckle grip bound around your neck, shit. my trouble is you still don't have to accept it. but i'm choking, too. broken; knowing enough to have this sobering overview where hope isn't holding you up. suppress all the pain till the notion erupts, you find a good fit from the moulds that are cut: the caskets, the cradles, cold are their touch. serpent-mouth sews itself shut. skin shed, instead: change is the nobler of loves for oneself. yet we talk about the colour of whose lives matter, …aren't we all made up of matter? as if we can’t shatter the illusion in the hues of our skin and realise that we are kin bound by the movement of the same fluid through our limbs. that colour's blood-red, over colour blood sheds, o brother! undead we live life defining ourselves by divisive lines on maps ancestors drew -- for people we never knew, so sever truth if you’re not willing to serve what’s right. i mean... we’re all living imperfect lives, yea we struggle, but is there purpose in our plight, would Sisyphus know what the burden’s like?! in a word – he might. It’s absurd I write all of this, performing more for myself than I do my audience. there’s a voice that observes, sometimes I’m absorbed with it, plucking all my past experiences and it’s auditing, am I sincere or in fear; real or fraudulent? does my shrinking ego recoil at the thought of it? If solely obsessed with appearances, what self-love is there for the core within your ripe heart? the mind starts. Last edited by Eŋg; 05-20-2018 at 06:18 PM. |
05-20-2018, 08:20 PM | #2 |
Hungry
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I can relate. Good shit
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05-20-2018, 08:51 PM | #3 |
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I liked these meaningful drops. You showing a talent for approaching serious content...I like it man.
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05-21-2018, 02:08 AM | #4 |
White Earl
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I reallly fucking dig your wording man. Ur one of my favorite artists to read here because you write with a certain knowledge of words im not always familiar with and your wording is very precise when it comes to syllable counts and placement. This was a nice piece. A bit different from what im used to reading from you. Nice change up write moar.
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05-21-2018, 05:17 AM | #5 |
............
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but i'm choking, too.
broken; knowing enough to have this sobering overview where hope isn't holding you up. suppress all the pain till the notion erupts, you find a good fit from the moulds that are cut: the caskets, the cradles, cold are their touch. serpent-mouth sews itself shut. skin shed, instead: change is the nobler of loves for oneself. yet we talk about the colour of whose lives matter, …aren't we all made up of matter? ^^Shit, idk what to say...what an awesome section. Can you like put a foot wrong? Maybe pivot outta this section & return when I feel so non insignificant...Lol. Great read @Eng Stay dope my friend. |
05-22-2018, 02:05 PM | #6 |
rhyme capsule.
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thnx
hunger me. |
05-22-2018, 02:20 PM | #7 |
death warmed over
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Hmm idk man decent lines i guess fucking you really made me quite impressed i guess with your writing er whatever but what i really took from the piece just at a first glance reading and how i felt after reading it once anyways was that it was just an impressive piece that kind of made me feel like yeah your structures nice and you can handle a line somewhat although at points i was like what does this have to do with the topic sober??? I dont know it was a bit too complex to figure out which is okay i guess sometimes but i dont really get how lenox is like yeah i related to that.... its like genocide said you were using language that he doesnt really undrstand or get which is cool sometimes cause you can kind of take it to mean anything.... for me hat doesnt really work though i didnt really understand the story is all i mean i guess i could read it again but i just feel it would have taken me in a completely different direction than i initially thought.... sorry man but for me i just feel you could have done more with the topic sober.... what do you mean is being sober better/worse and what as the reader am i actually trying to understand about being sober..... however you do know how to write a very engaging line that makes the reader feel yes his guy actually knows what hes doing... thats a good thing you just need to kind of really get your story to the point that yes i learned something from this story yes this guy really taught me the pros and cons of being sober er whatever.... just my opinion anyways your a good writer keep dropping bro...
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05-22-2018, 06:02 PM | #8 |
living
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Yea what he said
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05-23-2018, 12:47 PM | #9 | |
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Quote:
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05-24-2018, 10:47 AM | #10 |
Arm the Homeless
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serpent-mouth sews itself shut.
skin shed, instead: change is the nobler of loves Nice. Very good shit. |
05-24-2018, 02:56 PM | #11 |
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Excellent use of enjambment. Your control of the reader is A+.
"does her gentle lilt ache me again, or chase in the vein a beat that resounds of a feeling i've floundered to forget." Jesus christ. "the caskets, the cradles, cold are their touch. serpent-mouth sews itself shut. skin shed, instead: change is the nobler of loves: PFTTT. I wish there was something I could offer in the form of constructive feedback, but the wording, cadence, control... it's all there. Excellent drop.
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05-29-2018, 01:24 PM | #12 |
rhyme capsule.
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appreciated guys. particularly 2000.
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05-29-2018, 02:01 PM | #13 |
Hungry
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Reread this again cuz it got bumped. Great pen. We gotta collab
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06-02-2018, 01:41 PM | #14 | |
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Delete.
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06-02-2018, 01:41 PM | #15 | ||||||
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Do "we", Eng? Do "we" really?
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Nice read amigo.
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Quote:
Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 06-02-2018 at 01:43 PM. |
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06-04-2018, 01:56 AM | #16 |
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Man, reading this right now has left me all kinds of fucked up.
I enjoyed this, as a reader I can relate to the emotion you convey. its poetic mannerisms evoke something that make ones eyes widen. recollection of connecting events are something common it seems different variation of course, but this is an overall amazing piece. the way you lead into the next rhyme is fun to witness. its a roller coaster based on a roller coaster
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06-08-2018, 01:32 AM | #17 | |
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06-13-2018, 09:54 PM | #18 |
rhyme capsule.
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yea i can flow pretty well
self, i owe you one thanks. |
01-31-2019, 01:30 PM | #19 |
Satan
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I thought this was a good read, English.
Your general over-view on things is quite stylish; - you have good rhythm, and rhyme scheme to control your language. Language was pretty nice, you have philsophical under-tones that could be advanced upon have you read more books or something; - but this was nice with it. You could really shine if you up your vocabulary in places, and shine with more colorful language - but this was nice. I do like the topic you choose to ride with; - was decent in it's merit. Ending was cool in it's way..nice job man..keep writing...lol... |
01-31-2019, 10:02 PM | #20 |
I'm UPset
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i'm never sober.
she said get over yourself but i can't. and i'm too drunk to rhyme fucked your aint. aunt w/e. what was her name i aint have the time to remember it. niggas pocket watching like a time piece my teeth glistening semen on her teeth, better rinse the shit mouth wired shut so i cant complain was gonna kill him but he was a no life asshole. life is pointless like a circle. run up in yr crib car sick.. abduct your bitch like a martian shout out butler. i mean,...whats her name? yr mexican mother. shoutout my butler. in love with the city and i can't wait to see her maidenfed, yea, my prostitutes eating. you dont get that cuz you not on the circuit i stream with. exterminate your crew they all bugged you a flaming star like a comet Ellen Degenergis ass dumb bitch. duckie thot. Been got getback geekin like steve jobs where's your moms kickback? thats my shotty on my arm. pow pow. was that your kid in your arms? "I can't help it, I can't help it, I was young and I was selfish I made every woman feel like she was mine and no one else's And now you hate me, stop pretendin', stop that frontin', I can't take it Girl don't treat me like a stranger, girl you know I seen you naked Girl you know that I remember, don't be a pretender" -fuck the pain away winning at the game of thrones so much coke you should call me john snow lionel messi. scoring on these hos. mumble wrap like pharos. see that bullet? watch it let go. THIS Bitch on Desiigner drugs, i just fucked a black & white like a panda. tackle all offensive lines, can't stand ya. high-waisted sobriety test. flirted with the bitch at the police offices. pretty sure i coulda nailed her. after you said "Hey," and she took the words right outta your mouth the Black Widow got you ate up on the web for thinking you fly wish it was as easy to feed kids as it is to make one wish it was easy to do life as it is to take one i was chilling in the club, batter up a little buzz i was 16 when I lost my OG he took a shot to the head I'm not talking OD money talk like a payphone cut heads like a barber shop see me looking sleepy cuz I'm tired of these motherfuckers on god
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