WEEK VII: Symetrik vs King Ra.[KING RA. WINS]

Inno · 02-06-2018, 07:13 PM

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Symetrik, super solid writer. Imagery is on point, flow is good, and just a very well worded piece. Thing is, there's a lot of writers at this level & higher, so I always feel it's more so about critiquing things I personally didn't like. So, here we go.

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Originally Posted by symetrik

cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.

it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.

Things started off good. Starting setting up the story, imagery was on point, threw in hints of alliteration, and not overdone so kudos on that, then that line hit.

I feel like you overdid it on the internals & it just made it sound really choppy and disturbed the flow of the piece. "it's just trying to be nourishing the weak".. That just doesn't make sense, and it distracts me from having a thorough read.

Regan though? Sounds like an odd name, just for the sake of rhyming.

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people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.

The scheme on that was slick, good shit.

I had an issue with pointing out that it was "three" twigs that snapped. Lol, I dunno why. Anyways, solid piece. I'm not sure how all three little segments tie in together, I'm kind of confused about that. The first part set up a story with some dope imagery, then the second part was introducing a character, and the last segment felt like it was more so a writer just wrapping up a writing session. I wish it would've been more clear how it all ties in, with the title you gave the verse, as well as the picture that was used. All in all, the piece was solid. I enjoyed reading it, and the few issues I had with it, aren't enough to stop it from being a dope verse.

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Originally Posted by King Ra.

O' Mighty One, hear my cry,

Seems like you like using this kind of wording. More so, the actual words, 'ancient' words & what not. O Mighty One, I dunno. It's weird to me cuz nobody talks like that, but yeah. Personal issue about ish' like that.

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Yo-

Went from O' Mighty One, to Yo. Cool.

The whole verse was super solid. The flow was on point, the wording was great, there was nothing I saw that made me cringe or question why you wrote what you wrote. Everything fell together nicely. Well written verse. I'm not a huge fan of these kind of verses. Well, not the verse itself, just the topic & how you approached it. The whole, elves, magic, wizards, lord of the ring type shit- I just don't want to read a rap version of that type of thing. As far as a writer, you're on point. So, I guess at this point of your writing, it's more so catering to yourself, the audience, or finding a nice comfort area in between both.

Both verses were well written. I enjoyed reading both, and although there was less flaws in King Ra's verse, I'm just not a fan of the topic at hand. With that being said, I have to vote for symetrik simply because I enjoyed it more.

vote-symetrik