lanvin

brokenhal0 · 12-27-2013, 05:07 AM

im the cause and effect the thought the neglect the fork in the road
that leads to the end of the dawn animal farms live large
fouler then howitzer bombs gamblers charm wrist flaunt shakles of gold
battle for souls malice with flow rattles the bow bends the arch
not grounded no more mince meat mini me enters the stars
we in the same boat play dough is whey though serpent and the rainbow
spiked your ice tea like urchin armor in turks and caicos volcano plato
ace tho stud producer cable guy humor draino drink straight drug seducer
leave your guts ruined lookin like tomato sauce and cheese papusas
red and white aminita mushroom sky trooper wine hue divine clues
hide in plain sight of the sine tune train track journeyer
loner from the start for the lonlier holier then thou thats holier
classic like polo ground fairs your clowns tears drown my sound surround bears
and beat them to the ground till they sound scared
deal with large shares pass the drugs they want theres
no love jus loyalty no honesty cause honestly the truth hurts
and i rather keep you in fools bliss then hit you with a full verse

Natural · 12-27-2013, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

im the cause and effect the thought the neglect the fork in the road
that leads to the end of the dawn animal farms live large
fouler then howitzer bombs gamblers charm wrist flaunt shakles of gold
After a couple reads I understood how this is meant to be flowed.
However Imho the way you did it is risky for text. Either readers will catch it
and find it to be dope(like me) or fail to see it and fumble over flow.
Food for thought.

battle for souls malice with flow rattles the bow bends the arch
not grounded no more mince meat mini me enters the stars
↑Good schemes. I do think you should do more to emphasize to the reader how this should be read....may that be adding periods...comma's....multiple dots when you take any longer than a 2 second pause etc.

we in the same boat play dough is whey though serpent and the rainbow
spiked your ice tea like urchin armor in turks and caicos volcano plato
ace tho stud producer cable guy humor draino drink straight drug seducer
leave your guts ruined lookin like tomato sauce and cheese papusas
red and white aminita mushroom sky trooper wine hue divine clues
hide in plain sight of the sine tune train track journeyer
loner from the start for the lonlier holier then thou thats holier
classic like polo ground fairs your clowns tears drown my sound surround bears
and beat them to the ground till they sound scared
deal with large shares pass the drugs they want theres
no love jus loyalty no honesty cause honestly the truth hurts
and i rather keep you in fools bliss then hit you with a full verse

The content is avarage. I think it would help you to be a little more cohesive in you're thought process..
You're scheming(the way I'm reading it) reminds me very much of mmlp2 lol. So that's dope.
I see massive potential here. Keep scribing bro.

Wise Wiggles · 12-27-2013, 08:47 AM

Dizope.

PancakeBrah · 12-27-2013, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natural

The content is avarage. I think it would help you to be a little more cohesive in you're thought process..
You're scheming(the way I'm reading it) reminds me very much of mmlp2 lol. So that's dope.
I see massive potential here. Keep scribing bro.

Lol pls stop

Natural · 12-27-2013, 05:00 PM

Smh.

brokenhal0 · 12-28-2013, 04:59 AM

thanks everyone natural i ex[lain this all the time lol i dont know how to punctuate form correct sentences word paragraphs correct or structure verses in the typical pattern i write on a 3rd grade level its un natural in a text scheme sense but i do it for me

big baby · 12-28-2013, 04:12 PM

lol @ you're/your mess ups. redeemable. Some of this just read a little off to me. The part about urchin armor volcano just completely just.. idk. It was almost like where a teacher starts talking about random stuff to see if you're listening. And that's what I thought this was during the middle parts. The opening line was cool. I thought you were going to go like that throughout the whole verse, but you didn't, but it's fine.

Natural · 12-28-2013, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

thanks everyone natural i explain this all the time lol i dont know how to punctuate form correct sentences word paragraphs correct or structure verses in the typical pattern i write on a 3rd grade level its un natural in a text scheme sense but i do it for me

Do you man.
I just gave my two cents. No doubt.

12-27-2013, 05:07 AM	#1
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 492 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 455116	lanvin im the cause and effect the thought the neglect the fork in the road that leads to the end of the dawn animal farms live large fouler then howitzer bombs gamblers charm wrist flaunt shakles of gold battle for souls malice with flow rattles the bow bends the arch not grounded no more mince meat mini me enters the stars we in the same boat play dough is whey though serpent and the rainbow spiked your ice tea like urchin armor in turks and caicos volcano plato ace tho stud producer cable guy humor draino drink straight drug seducer leave your guts ruined lookin like tomato sauce and cheese papusas red and white aminita mushroom sky trooper wine hue divine clues hide in plain sight of the sine tune train track journeyer loner from the start for the lonlier holier then thou thats holier classic like polo ground fairs your clowns tears drown my sound surround bears and beat them to the ground till they sound scared deal with large shares pass the drugs they want theres no love jus loyalty no honesty cause honestly the truth hurts and i rather keep you in fools bliss then hit you with a full verse Last edited by brokenhal0; 12-27-2013 at 05:09 AM.

12-27-2013, 08:47 AM	#3
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,507 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788019	Dizope. __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

12-27-2013, 05:00 PM	#5
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 691 Rep Power: 0	Smh. Last edited by Natural; 12-28-2013 at 07:46 PM.

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12-28-2013, 04:59 AM	#6
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 492 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 455116	thanks everyone natural i ex[lain this all the time lol i dont know how to punctuate form correct sentences word paragraphs correct or structure verses in the typical pattern i write on a 3rd grade level its un natural in a text scheme sense but i do it for me

12-28-2013, 04:12 PM	#7
big baby obsessed Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: fucka idiyote Posts: 5,716 Battle Record: Faggot-1 Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2 Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2 - was candidate for gerber baby 3x - smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote" - smush beer on head and didn't cry - parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once - when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan - won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a - neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper - set neighbor house on fire lmao - fuck neighbor husband and wife - first fish caught resembled david ortiz - colin kaepernick - related to genghis khan - elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club - never lost game of hide and seek Rep Power: 8599678	lol @ you're/your mess ups. redeemable. Some of this just read a little off to me. The part about urchin armor volcano just completely just.. idk. It was almost like where a teacher starts talking about random stuff to see if you're listening. And that's what I thought this was during the middle parts. The opening line was cool. I thought you were going to go like that throughout the whole verse, but you didn't, but it's fine.