Skullkid -- Elysium - Page 2

Zen · 07-22-2014, 07:17 PM

Splitty: You just voted and told me to stop being random. Truth is, this was random as hell, but there was a whatadayacallit, general theme? that stayed throughout. I saw this as you looking back on your own memories and trying to make sense of all of it, and for the most part I dug it. I didn't like the first two opening lines because they were just sorta there, but the rest was great. Especially the story of god line which was my favorite line from this whole piece. Actually, just reread it and I don't know how I feel about the sadness and bullshit line. Kinda sticks out when compared to the language you used in the rest of the verse, which is a good and a bad thing. It's good because I'm sure that's what you intended for it to do, but it's bad because it threw the rhythm off for me. Every line before that one was great except for the first two, and after that line it never picked up again with the same quality that you started off with. Still, that's the only things I have to complain about and that's just because I'm nitpicking. Very good stuff, man. Now could you not leave anymore condescending votes? Condenscending Split is my least favorite Split :/

Black: I thought this started off a little slow for you, but once you hit the martyr and savior lines it picked up quick. Especially the last four or five lines or so. It really was the perfect way to close this out. I've read, and fed, so many verses of yours that it's gotten to the point where I don't know where to critique you, because really there isn't anything to critique you on. While the start of this verse was slow, it still wasn't bad. This was all solid writing, maybe a little below par with some of your other stuff, but not by much. Your usual style was here with crisp rhymes which are always good, but the descriptive language is what sets you apart from most. When you describe a scene, you're painting a picture in the reader's mind. Good stuff as always.

Great work fellas.

Pent uP · 07-24-2014, 10:27 PM

Kid -- Short bursts of images. A very abrupt style that is effective due to the creativity behind each phrase. The writing felt more collegiate than natural. Elysium is to heroes as utopia is to people, so I took the whole not-a-hero spiel as this was a fancy allegory for utopia. In that sense, the message fell flat for me - as utopia is an idea, a dream, a mirage within our own fantasies. The laden images here just cemented that, but acted as if they were something surprising. Strong writing, poor direction in my humble opinion.

Skull -- kind of the same critique as Kid to be honest. Some differences. You wording is much more organic and lends itself easier to relate to. You guys touched on some of the same motifs(? ideas?), in similar fashions. I dont know if that was intentional or not but it made the overall product feel a bit more stale than it should've. kinda funny I said mirage after reading kid's verse and then you ended on that note. Same as for him - I disagree with the direction you took the meaning of title/topic here (I know..interpretation blablabalbalabla). I think you both fell flat of what the potential was here, but produced nothing to scoff at.

Good shit guys, hope that didnt come off too harshly.

dead man · 07-27-2014, 12:51 PM

Not at all thanks pent and everybody for the thoughtful responses. I know I speak for split as well when I say you are all loved dearly.

3 guests still viewing this is sorta suspect doe.

Split · 07-27-2014, 09:18 PM

<3 bros <3

the criticism was very much appreciated. Last post from me ITT, thanks.

Quote:

may you rise above delirium often. it's a parallel doctrine --
rainwater in harvest season, tears in a coffin
may your spirit pass, untarnished towards wherever you'd like
once i left you tonight, i knew you'd never return

great writing, black.

Certain · 07-27-2014, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dead man

3 guests still viewing this is sorta suspect doe.

Obviously trying to get dates.

YDK · 07-27-2014, 11:27 PM

I've skimmed this a few times so far, @dead man and @Split somebody mention me in here in a day or two so I remember to come back and read this thoroughly lol from what I've caught its dope as fuck so far

veritas · 07-27-2014, 11:56 PM

You are both very talented. Split is the genius with no experience. Blacketh is the experience with no genius. Works well.

07-24-2014, 10:27 PM	#22
Pent uP Robin Williams of Fallen Victims Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 1,502 Battle Record: 25-11 Accomplishments - NC Hall of Fame Champed - Netcees Writers League (2x) - NWL Season 1 - Write Night I - Art of Writing League (2x) - Write Week IV Rep Power: 6862273	Kid -- Short bursts of images. A very abrupt style that is effective due to the creativity behind each phrase. The writing felt more collegiate than natural. Elysium is to heroes as utopia is to people, so I took the whole not-a-hero spiel as this was a fancy allegory for utopia. In that sense, the message fell flat for me - as utopia is an idea, a dream, a mirage within our own fantasies. The laden images here just cemented that, but acted as if they were something surprising. Strong writing, poor direction in my humble opinion. Skull -- kind of the same critique as Kid to be honest. Some differences. You wording is much more organic and lends itself easier to relate to. You guys touched on some of the same motifs(? ideas?), in similar fashions. I dont know if that was intentional or not but it made the overall product feel a bit more stale than it should've. kinda funny I said mirage after reading kid's verse and then you ended on that note. Same as for him - I disagree with the direction you took the meaning of title/topic here (I know..interpretation blablabalbalabla). I think you both fell flat of what the potential was here, but produced nothing to scoff at. Good shit guys, hope that didnt come off too harshly. Last edited by Pent uP; 07-24-2014 at 10:49 PM.

07-27-2014, 12:51 PM	#23
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,466 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606676	Not at all thanks pent and everybody for the thoughtful responses. I know I speak for split as well when I say you are all loved dearly. 3 guests still viewing this is sorta suspect doe. __________________ Zack Wicks for president

07-27-2014, 11:27 PM	#26
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,564 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181109	I've skimmed this a few times so far, @dead man and @Split somebody mention me in here in a day or two so I remember to come back and read this thoroughly lol from what I've caught its dope as fuck so far __________________

07-22-2014, 07:17 PM	#21
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Splitty: You just voted and told me to stop being random. Truth is, this was random as hell, but there was a whatadayacallit, general theme? that stayed throughout. I saw this as you looking back on your own memories and trying to make sense of all of it, and for the most part I dug it. I didn't like the first two opening lines because they were just sorta there, but the rest was great. Especially the story of god line which was my favorite line from this whole piece. Actually, just reread it and I don't know how I feel about the sadness and bullshit line. Kinda sticks out when compared to the language you used in the rest of the verse, which is a good and a bad thing. It's good because I'm sure that's what you intended for it to do, but it's bad because it threw the rhythm off for me. Every line before that one was great except for the first two, and after that line it never picked up again with the same quality that you started off with. Still, that's the only things I have to complain about and that's just because I'm nitpicking. Very good stuff, man. Now could you not leave anymore condescending votes? Condenscending Split is my least favorite Split :/ Black: I thought this started off a little slow for you, but once you hit the martyr and savior lines it picked up quick. Especially the last four or five lines or so. It really was the perfect way to close this out. I've read, and fed, so many verses of yours that it's gotten to the point where I don't know where to critique you, because really there isn't anything to critique you on. While the start of this verse was slow, it still wasn't bad. This was all solid writing, maybe a little below par with some of your other stuff, but not by much. Your usual style was here with crisp rhymes which are always good, but the descriptive language is what sets you apart from most. When you describe a scene, you're painting a picture in the reader's mind. Good stuff as always. Great work fellas.