Round 1: R. Frank vs. 16. MKG \\ Frank wins 6-3

[Certain]

Welcome to Round 1!

The Basics

Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced.

Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here.

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Don't Look Down


Good luck, @dead man and @MKG.

[MKG]

Grew up living the American dream, a picket fence and horse
But when she turned seventeen her parents got a divorce
Graduated with a 4.0, scholarship offers were put on hold
She didn't enroll, instead got two jobs cuz her mom was too old
girls laughed at her struggle, spent her days mopping up floors
She didn't rebuttal, her jobs were too important she needed the dough
Forced to raise the fam on her own, trying to put food on the table
Rode the bus home alone, hardest worker ironically a bum she was labeled
Our nations backbone, a bright future but you wouldn't know at first glance
So don't look down on people, some are just victims of circumstance

[Frank]

"Don't Look Down"

The Firefighter fought off the flames before he forcibly grabbed me;
As the window billowed with smoke, then broke; engulfing my lungs, coughing coarsely and madly
Stories above New York they latched me to the ladder, as we leaned back and forth, fanning the heat
Everybody ran in the street inaudibly gasping, pointing, panicking, as the building burned badly to its core in an agony
Cabbies got out of their taxis blowing their horns unanimously, while the pedestrians looked on drawn like the moth to the torch of humanity
My mothers corpse lie its black debris scorched to an ashy heap, gorgeous and ghastly she died dormant, I had to leave...
This ladder seems to be melting in the early morning 4 alarm portrait of catastrophe
The Firefighter looks over at me immorally with authority, remorselessly with apathy
And says "Don't look down..." morbidly, flames, orangey, flashy.




.

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle


MKGs verse was pretty basic in the sense that it contained only single syllable rhyming. which I usually hate but for some reason was able to look past here. to a degree. I really enjoyed the take on the topic, not the first thought that pops in your head. like don't physically look down. you took the approach of don't look down on people, because they are victims of circumstance. it is a preachy message but the verse didn't come off preachy.


frank , really didn't like how you stretched your lines here. the format threw me off in a few spots. you tried to get every last word into your story here. but lets be honest, you got caught in a rhyme string of words that are usually used by rookies in this game.

agony, humanity , apathy , catastrophe. that's cringe worthy. and hurt the verse. the story line itself was pretty straightforward



I got MGK in a huge upset


vote - MGK

[Adonis]

Franks verse was a clear stream of visuals, which I always enjoy. But mm had an equally dope verse, in which he was able to build a character and add a message with just ten lines. Very impressive. So, two verses I enjoyed. Also side note Frank, didn't like the new av pertaining topic. A bit corney.

In the end it's personal preference, because when I consider the strengths and pros of each verse it's a virtual tie

Voting mmkg.

[kannon]

Machine Kelly Gun... Shit, another instance where I would have liked to see more than 10 bars. The back 6 of this were great, but the beginning felt rushed. First of all, You know god damn well you only included the horse cause it rhymed with divorce, but that fact paints the picture of a very well off family. Which leads to a bit of a bump when you then try to paint them as victims of circumstance. Unless her father somehow managed to take EVERYTHING in the divorce and cut the kids off entirely. I also concluded that she was most likely the oldest of her siblings, if she was forced to be the bread winner, which means that if mom was too old for work, she woulda had to have had her first kid at like 50. That being said, that was the only issue I had with this piece. The rest of it was written eloquently simple to truly convey the message. The irony of the protagonist being looked down upon as a bum, while being an intelligent woman working two jobs to support the family who doesn't have any other means of support. I also commend the topic flip, it's always nice to see someone flip a topic in a way that I wouldn't have thought to. Overall, this was solid. I'm sure I'm being way too picky about the set up haha, but yeah, the latter half was dope enough to bring it back... Solid work.

Francis. HOLY FUCKING STRETCHED LINES, BATMAN. What the hell, bruh? You can't just turn a 38 bar verse into a 10 bar verse by not hitting enter a few times. Sheeeeyit. It's only 9 bars, and is 147 words. Anyways. I don't think smoke can necessarily "engulf" your lungs, as much as it would just fill your lungs. I dont like your word choices :/ "inaudibly gasping?" It would have to be the world's slowest gasp. The torch of humanity line is dope, but way too fucking stretched. The line about the mother dying and the protagonist having to leave should have probably been placed before the protagonist was already half way down the ladder. The firefighter looked at you immorally? What? Like, homie was trying to cop a feel while carrying you down the ladder? And then the last bar you just rhyme random words. Any plan to develop a story here was lost in its wording. One bar stuck with me, the rest just seemed like words strung together that shouldn't go together. "immorally with authority" "remorselessly with apathy" That's like saying, "He didn't feel any remorse, but also, he didn't feel anything." It's just weird, man.

MKG gets an easy victory

[Certain]

MKG: This was bland. You operated in cliché way too much. Character development is all about authentic-feeling details. For instance, instead of a 4.0, why not a 3.8? That seems so much more specific. But mostly the way you built this story, you tried to cram in all this back story by telling rather than showing. What if you'd have used the image of, say, college applications used as coffee coasters? This just felt really, really direct and bland, over the top and inauthentic because of the generic writing.

Frank: You really went all in on the rhyming here, and it apparently has cost you through three votes. Well, I liked this verse quite a bit. You had a great take on the topic, and created a sense of urgency that was helped along by the rhymes. There was a lot of filler, rhymes thrown in just to rhyme more. But that's a key dynamic to what makes your writing unique. The handful of word misuses were sloppy, though; "unanimously" was the worst offender. But I think you created the scene really well, and the movement of the verse was strong. There was some phrasing that stood out: "early morning 4 alarm potrait of catastrophe," "like the moth drawn to the torch of humanity," "gorgeous and ghastly she died dormant, I had to leave." But then there was some tortured phrasing. You probably need to tighten up and polish your word choice more if you advance, but here I thought you had a more interesting and unique verse pretty easily.

Vote: Frank

[Objective]

MKG - A clear message telling people not to look down on the next because you don't know their struggle. I felt it was kind of clichè, at the same time it can't be said enough. Kinda simple as far as rhyming goes as well. Ok verse.

Frank - Didn't really like the stretched lines, seems like you rushed the verse and didn't really work on your piece as a whole (rhyme mechanics, structure etc.) either compared to what I've previously read from you. I enjoyed your story more than MKG's verse though.

Vote - Frank. But just barely. MKG's verse didn't really engage me in what he was saying. The message was there, but it wasn't a surprising or interesting message. It was too generic for me, the stretched lines to Frank's verse didn't really do it for me either but I thought his story and the darker concept he had in mind was better than MKG's verse, so that's why I picked his verse over MKG's.

[Eŋg]

mkg - this isn't bad writing. i felt like it was a very pedestrian offering. it rhymed ok, but nothing caught me especially in this verse. you could switched things up, rhythmically, or with a swerve in the story. idk. create some intrigue. it wasn't very impressive.

cherry - clunky. you really butchered in parts of this, remedied somewhat by the more interesting phrases you conjured. a pretty mixed bag. i kind of stumbled through it - you felt suffocated in this format. don't inhale the smoke.

one interested me more.

v/frank

[oats]

MKG: this wasn't a bad verse, not at all. but I guess it's such an ever-present concept in not only topical writing, but writing in general (plus plenty of hip hop songs to boot), that it doesn't resonate with me much. there's something blasé about it, just not a fresh take.

Frank: I think your storytelling was solid here, you definitely have a flair for the dramatic, and the building engulfed in flames suited you well. I really dug the moth to the torch of humanity line, too. overall, you had a more ethereal experience imbued in your writing, and it caught my attention.

Vote: Frank

[Seymour BUTTS]

mgk was a cool verse but a bit blase and wouldve liked o have seen a twist on that beaten horse

franks was ill imo

while the pedestrians looked on drawn like the moth to the torch of humanity
My mothers corpse lie its black debris scorched to an ashy heap, gorgeous and ghastly she died dormant, I had to leave...
This ladder seems to be melting in the early morning 4 alarm portrait of catastrophe
The Firefighter looks over at me immorally with authority, remorselessly with apathy
And says "Don't look down..." morbidly, flames, orangey, flashy.


^^ nasty

v frank

[Diode]

i get what a lot of people are saying about frank sidestepping the rules by adding connecting syllables to keep a line going far past what's normally allowed. however, certain's instructions said in the event of an issue, word count of 150 or less will be used. frank played within those boundaries. are any of you seriously surprised?

mgk's verse, while simple in flow, technique, concept, and "moral" - was well executed for what it was. it's perfectly acceptable writing. inoffensive. i can see how some are smelling an upset.

(however)

frank's vivid imagery just does it for me, dudes. he's also took a swipe at my alliteration approach and what can i say, i'm sucker for it when used properly. the flow is disjointed at points with a single line with a single rhyme scheme having no connection to the rest of the verse. threw me off a bit. subject was a firefighter themed twist on frank's usual storytelling - nothing too extravagant here. the sight and smell were relayed to my brain space with far better success thank anything mgk did.

v/ frank

[Certain]

Frank leads 6-3.