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Old 11-17-2020, 04:56 PM   #1
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Default WEEK TWO: MR J 1-0 VS MMLP 1-0 MMLP WINS

AOWL Season IX

@Mr J @MMLP

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Old 11-17-2020, 11:11 PM   #2
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Old 11-18-2020, 03:52 AM   #3
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Old 11-21-2020, 02:44 PM   #4
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I often wonder what wanders through y'all heads
Since you've drawn breath into every other concept
Where will it lead? What will follow, is it progress?
Is it dog shit? Is it written in a smitten mock sense...
It all depends on the kid in position to drop then and there
Endless layers of independent ideas & dependant players
Incessant prayers sent to a God that never hears.
Nor responds, where will it end? What are you forced beyond?
What course are y'all on? Which route? The short or long?
What if this course is wrong? Do you resort in retorts or not?
Before long you gotta make a choice, the source is lost.
Time to explore the road less traveled, the hope less gaveled
The cost of hopeless prattle is to know less than you...know.
It's puzzling and amazing how we struggle in the same thing
Become accustomed to praising then run through the same ring
Back where we started... Just another subtle play thing
Waiting for a praising that's the price you pay...
When your pummeled into taking what's lost in thought.
Sometimes it takes time to finally come across the plot.

The concept still immature and past tense.
Enjoy the mini tour through the labyrinth
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Old 11-21-2020, 02:58 PM   #5
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I was born an introvert, awkward and quiet.
Thoughts would twist and turn but normally silent
In exploring the psychology to change how were portrayed
Never conformed to society in the way that I behaved
My brains sophistication made me question life itself
to make it out this maze and step outside this shell
in a quest to find some help with the meaning in all of this
that my mental side had delved into, seemingly causing rifts
if this is real or just a myth and which is right or wrong
Search the reasons we all exist and to think outside the box.
Have I figuratively tied the knot with our sense of reality
Or are the wires crossed and I’ve entered a fantasy?
beginning to question my sanity, the more I chose to discuss
A strength in duality that wasnt going to budge
locked in a tug of war in my own subconscious
solving the puzzles formed for the whole prognosis
That would go unnoticed I til saw a hole in the debate.
One was non-negotiable in showing its restraint
The seeds sewing into place at this moment in my life
now to go against the grain I had chosen to abide.
To put focus on the lies as my head would unpack
So opening my mind hadn’t extended my span
by any stretch of the imagination, I was still confused and detached
I wasn’t questioning the grand design just disputing the facts
by not choosing to act and just believing the concept
its not losing a battle, it’s just defeating the object
a series of questioning would exhaust the conversation.
In speaking of prospects I thought I got complacent
it’s all my observation in judging what I must!
if by default I’m contemplating this then it’s already begun
I must exist in some way and thats starting in my head
struggled with assumptions that were harbouring dissent.
It was harder to accept so henceforth, perhaps.
Descartes had said it best, I think therefore I am
but be careful in that, envisaging this existence at hand
If this is all an hallucination… what is it, I am...
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Old 11-22-2020, 09:58 PM   #6
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Oooh, interesting topic. I too, have written to this picture some time in the past!

Mr.J: I read it in full and I just got to say that I've definitely read a lot better from you. Did you perhaps get a little bit demotivated after last weeks no-show? Or was it the picture? Seems like you wrote down parts of your thought process into being the concept of the piece. Thinking about these two lines before the closing couplet to finish off that thought:
"When your pummeled into taking what's lost in thought.
Sometimes it takes time to finally come across the plot."

Tho, it also makes sense in terms of how you laid out your verse and your last two lines making you read it all over again. I enjoyed that twist but it still feels like it's lacking something, maybe it was just too short for me to get into just when it was starting to get good to me, haha. However, it's a thought provoking journey through the path to find the path to your inner self or reflect upon other peoples roads in life, and mind as a concept of its own. However, it's not really poking too much beyond what's on the surface. What I mean by that is that the content isn't really that new or said in a way that made me go "Damn, you hit the nail with that one!"

It's a good write up, don't get me wrong, I'm just not sure if it's competitive enough to snatch my vote. I'm saying this because I KNOW you can write 10x better.

MMLP: Dope and captivating intro.

Enjoying the subject matter and concept you're going for. Kinda went a different route (making it personal about yourself) than Mr.J did (outwardly perspective and connecting with the reader through thoughts most can relate to).

It's pretty good and I'm enjoying it, got my first hiccup here:

the more I chose to discuss
A strength in duality that wasnt going to budge
^Yeah, it kinda works but too much of a nursery rhyme to me. The asonance and rhythmic pattern is a bit off to make it work completely for me. I see what you're doing, I just think you could have done it a lil bit better. I don't know, the more I read it the more it sounds good but at the same time there's something that's off that I can't quite put my finger on. It annoys me a bit that I can't pinpoint exactly why I think it isn't working, but obviously enough that I feel like I should mention that it threw me a little bit off. Maybe some of the better vets can shed some light on how wrong/right I am.

That would go unnoticed I til saw a hole in the debate.
^Correction: Till I, hiccups like these that stops the reader in their path can cost you a w in title matches etc. Not a biggie, but giving you a heads up.

by any stretch of the imagination, I was still confused and detached
I wasn’t questioning the grand design just disputing the facts
^Feel like the transition to a different rhyme pattern to switch it up a little was a good idea, but the line is still a bit stretched. "I was confused and detached" would suffice, I think. Small corrections/polishes like that would do you good, I think. "Why waste time say lot words, when few word do trick?" etc.

by not choosing to act and just believing the concept
its not losing a battle, it’s just defeating the object
^Smoothest transition so far. Nice. "Just" is used a bit much tho, three sentences in a row.

It was harder to accept so henceforth, perhaps.
Descartes had said it best, I think therefore I am
but be careful in that, envisaging this existence at hand
If this is all an hallucination… what is it, I am...
^Dope closure. Again I think removing a word or two could possibly make it better. I think the word "had" is excessive and kinda breaks the flow of the sentence to me, feels a bit clumsy to say "had said it best".

That said, content matter is dope, overall it's a solid piece. I'm just a nitpicking douchebag, same goes to Mr. J. My feed/thoughts may not make any sense either but thought I'd tell it straight up so you guys can figure out whether or not it brings anything to the table.

Overall I think MMLP had the better verse, a bit more depth and interesting schemes got my vote.
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Last edited by Objective; 11-22-2020 at 10:03 PM.
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Old 11-23-2020, 06:19 AM   #7
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Mr J - Nice contemplative piece here that suited the topic.
The image may invite to some serious contemplating but I see you just let loose
with the subject at hand, and at that it worked fine.
Not much to point out from a technical standpoint as it's pretty sound overall.
My only complaint here is that you could have delved deeper into the subject.

Time to explore the road less traveled, the hope less gaveled
The cost of hopeless prattle is to know less than you...know.
It's puzzling and amazing how we struggle in the same thing
Become accustomed to praising then run through the same ring
Back where we started... Just another subtle play thing


MMLP - You really dived into the matter here, props.
It felt like a solid introspective reflection upon your existance, as inner vs
outer experience and what is actually real.
Intertwining both psychology and spirituality in the mix.
Perhaps the most important thing to reflect upon for us mere humans and
you delivered some cleverly worded insights. The technical stuff is all good
as well as far as Im concerned. No particular quotes as the whole thing read like
a continous stream of thoughts and you maintanied it a high level.


Both writers did their thing but MMLP gets the vote for taking the whole concept further.
Cool battle.
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Old 11-23-2020, 12:15 PM   #8
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Great battle. Highly anticipated matching the two of you I believe your styles mesh well together and you guys are both great veteran writers.

Mr J - I think in this battle you were more of the “bigger picture” guy instead focusing around yourself you extended your outreach. You were technically refined though I thought the rhyme schemes were a step back from what you had previously done in our inaugural week. The multis weren’t as rapid fire here, I dug the subject matter and the ending bar was cool. I also like the opening four and how they were sort of meta.

MMLP - I really like the form you’re bringing this season. Really liked the existentialism of your piece and some of the questions you posed. It was really introspective and honestly these things presented we’ve all asked ourself at one point or another, it resonated hard with me personally and I did think you kind of confined yourself to your own mind which you think would make your world a whole lot smaller to write in but you appealed to the masses with relative questions and kept it in engaging throughout.

“ I must exist in some way and thats starting in my head
struggled with assumptions that were harbouring dissent.
It was harder to accept so henceforth, perhaps.
Descartes had said it best, I think therefore I am
but be careful in that, envisaging this existence at hand
If this is all an hallucination… what is it, I am...”

Was a great way to end this.

I don’t really have any qualms with J’s piece, other than I don’t think he went as deep into the “labyrinth” as MMLP did, still a good technical verse. I just think MM had a more attention grabbing verse. Neither verse took a whole lot of chances but I liked what you both brought I’m going with MM but that’s my preference. This was really a good battle

V/MMLP
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Old 11-23-2020, 12:30 PM   #9
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@Mr. J
You had some decent moments throughout, I do think you are rushing it in some sports like same thing/same ring/play thing, that's 3 different instances you used the same word so I have to take points away from your rhyme schemes for that, I don't like repeating words in multies if you're going to have them, I liked becoming accustomed to praising then run through the same ring that was dopee, across the plot was nice to, not sure If I'm liking paste tense / labyrinth as the rhyme seems forced to me, this wasn't a bad verse at all, it was quick and easy to read.

@MMLP
I liked the opening alot, when you get down to society it solidified that whole scheme even though it left on a different end rhyme, that was a good example of internal rhyming there. question life it'sself stepout side this shell was awesome, here's another one of those instances where you used the internal rhyme on line that had different end rhymes, "myth" kind of glued everything together, wired crossed and entered a fantasy was cool, prognosis was dope, showing it's restraint I liked alot, I liked disputing the facts, damn defeating the object was dope, this whole scheme here is perfect, I liked what is it, I am/hullicination man this was a dope piece.

V/MMLP
I think MMLP got this, he shined in vocabulary and rhyme schemes, I also felt the story more too.
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Old 11-24-2020, 08:23 PM   #10
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Mr. J:

Solid verse. Technically sound again with a some metaphorical weight behind it. Loved the exploration aspects of trying to pinpoint what wavelength people are on when they are in the midst of the creative process... perfect fit for this topic.

This was a very introspective piece and really deserves at least two read throughs to fully appreciate it.

Highlights:

"I often wonder what wanders through y'all heads
Since you've drawn breath into every other concept
Where will it lead? What will follow, is it progress?
Is it dog shit? Is it written in a smitten mock sense
..."

- Loved this beginning.

"Nor responds, where will it end? What are you forced beyond?
What course are y'all on? Which route? The short or long?
What if this course is wrong? Do you resort in retorts or not?
Before long you gotta make a choice, the source is lost
."

- Questioning whether the "course is wrong" was so real to me.

Cool ending too, wrapped everything up nicely.


MMLP:

A similar take as Mr. J - more in-depth though, overall. The same things I loved about his are basically the same things I loved about your verse... introspective and deep, on many levels. I love the whole 'quiet person with a loud mind angle... it really is true and I liked that approach.

Technically this was good but not up to the level of your last week's piece. Couple questionable word choices and stretched rhymes. (ie. reality/fantasy; subconscious/prognosis) ... I know they work when coupled with multi's but those closing words stuck out in the wrong ways to me. Not too big a deal though.

Highlights:

"In exploring the psychology to change how were portrayed
Never conformed to society in the way that I behaved
My brains sophistication made me question life itself
to make it out this maze and step outside this shell
"

"beginning to question my sanity, the more I chose to discuss
A strength in duality that wasnt going to budge
"

- Dope.

"So opening my mind hadn’t extended my span
by any stretch of the imagination, I was still confused and detached
I wasn’t questioning the grand design just disputing the facts
by not choosing to act and just believing the concept
its not losing a battle, it’s just defeating the object"


- Loved this.


I almost wanted to vote Mr. J here... This is a situation where I read Mr. J's first and fell in love with it, then MMLP did something similar (not his fault) and almost didn't overcome that. But upon multiple read throughs it becomes clear that the depth of MMLP's is far greater, and covers a vast array of concepts and ideas that really hit home with me.

Both were amazing pieces though. Quality writing in every aspect.

Vote - MMLP
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Old 11-24-2020, 09:03 PM   #11
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Mr. J

With a solid showing here. Not quite as dope as your week 1 which I no-showed, but still good nonetheless.
There were mostly highlights
know less than you...know.
That's where I wish I had Jesodist's capitals.
But seriously you know what I mean. The emphasis.

MMLP
Anyway I read these 3X each now and I think MMLP just nailed it with his Lars-esque mechanics of stringing rhymes together, end line to beginning of line.

His topic was more first person than J's broader overarching verse. I can't say either of those two factored in to it.
They both had me engaged, but I thought MMLP crafted a heftier verse.
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Old 11-24-2020, 10:53 PM   #12
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Mr. J,
"Time to explore the road less traveled, the hope less gaveled
The cost of hopeless prattle is to know less than you...know.
It's puzzling and amazing how we struggle in the same thing
Become accustomed to praising then run through the same ring
Back where we started... Just another subtle play thing"
This is deep, stuck in thoughts and many struggle through the same thing. Especially in regards to mind games.

"The concept still immature and past tense.
Enjoy the mini tour through the labyrinth"
This ender is killer and can't be beat.

MMLP,
"Search the reasons we all exist and to think outside the box.
Have I figuratively tied the knot with our sense of reality
Or are the wires crossed and I’ve entered a fantasy?
beginning to question my sanity, the more I chose to discuss
A strength in duality"
This was crazy,he stated that he thought he had it figured out but than questioned himself if he even knew anything at all.
"locked in a tug of war in my own subconscious
solving the puzzles formed for the whole prognosis"
Psychological mastery.

This is tough, let's not go with quantity but quality and they are both quality. So I focused on the picture and Mr. J is slightly edging this out razorly thin, simply for the closer that finalizes with the labyrinth line.
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