Week 1: Master Rock vs Defiant ROCK WINS VIA NS, OPEN FOR FEED

Inno · 11-09-2020, 04:08 PM

AOWL Season IX

@Master Rock vs @Defiant

Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time

Line min: 10

Max: 50

Check ins: 48 hours after thread post

Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451

Topic:

Defiant · 11-10-2020, 01:36 AM

Check

Master Rock · 11-11-2020, 09:34 AM

Check

Master Rock · 11-13-2020, 10:25 PM

The source of my breath
atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh
fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf
You give, but I want more till there's nothing left
not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come
yet to mankind is what you'll succumb
to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins
The grasp of nature is in her eyes
I want the between her thighs
I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive
place my stake
you give, you give, I take
till you bleed
you sow your seed
I eat, you feed
in my ignorance I won't concede
I watch as you give birth
I cut deep and disperse
masochistic, why must be so perverse?
I take, I use and abuse, while she stays put and profuse
she sustains me
I can't get enough
more and more I lust
Her heart light like a butterfly but under my heel I crush
withering the fruitful yield
leave her in agony while she holds the last seed to build

Adverse · 11-13-2020, 11:12 PM

@Defiant

Adverse · 11-14-2020, 03:24 AM

Master Rock wins via no-show

Give this man some feedback

Universe · 11-14-2020, 03:25 PM

You finally didn't no-show! That deserves a round of applause in and of itself lol...

Nah, but for real this was cool man. I dug your take on this, some solid wordplay/concepts sprinkled in there. You wording was off though at a couple points, I noticed... but I filled in the gaps. No real issue... just thought I'd mention it.

I liked this part the best:

"I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive"

Good stuff.

Hush · 11-15-2020, 10:56 PM

Loved the end

Went out on a high note

Good pacing

Great visuals

Kudos

ACTIVATE SELF · 11-16-2020, 12:09 AM

Quote:

The source of my breath

Looking at the picture I assume that that is a clever play on photosynthesis--the process in which trees produce breathable air aka oxygen. While at the same time, it's some sort of romantic testament and nod to the personification of Mother Nature. I'm just guessing here, tho. Nonetheless...very clever.

Quote:

atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh
fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf

That's pretty deep. So what you're saying, in a sort of round about way, is that Mother Nature, or in this case, the personification of the forest, is the giver and sustainer of life, however, when she herself is in need of preservation and protection, her cries fall on deaf ear. I like that.

Speaking of deafness with the topic in mind, I now find myself pondering the old philosophical conundrum that ask,"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Perhaps when you wrote those lines you also thought of the same question?

Quote:

You give, but I want more till there's nothing left
not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come
yet to mankind is what you'll succumb
to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins
The grasp of nature is in her eyes
I want the between her thighs
I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive

The first six lines were cool. Typical poetic jargon and what not. The last line however, had more substance and weight to it. I guess it's the biblical allusion to the creation of Adam that appeals to me most. I liked that.

Quote:

produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive

This went from poetry to porn. Not sure I want to continue. Seems like a private affair. lol. Nah, for real tho. This was pretty good. I dug all the "earthy" wordplay, so to speak.

Quote:

place my stake
you give, you give, I take
till you bleed
you sow your seed
I eat, you feed

Idk...on the one end, I assume that you're trying to express a one-side relationship, where Man only takes from nature out of extreme lust, gluttony and greed. However, when you write stuff like "I eat, you feed" it makes me think that this actually a reciprocal relationship instead. Or a toxic and dysfunctional one, if nothing else.

Quote:

in my ignorance I won't concede
I watch as you give birth
I cut deep and disperse
masochistic, why must be so perverse?
I take, I use and abuse, while she stays put and profuse
she sustains me
I can't get enough
more and more I lust
Her heart light like a butterfly but under my heel I crush
withering the fruitful yield
leave her in agony while she holds the last seed to build

The children of the forest should lock you up and torture you.

With that said, I found this to be an enjoyable read overall. The spacing was good. The concept was interesting. And you had a handful of lines I really dug. Good stuff.

Master Rock · 11-16-2020, 09:32 AM

...

Adverse · 11-16-2020, 02:03 PM

Really enjoyed this read and think had your opponent shown you would have had this in the bag regardless. Loved the ties to Mother Nature, but also keeping it vague enough to be read in different lights. The imagery you provoked was beautiful and though there wasn’t really a concrete storyline I dug the whole character analysis and all the wonderful language. I think you captured the essence of the photo well, the whimsical nature of it.

My favorite part was:

“ The source of my breath
atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh
fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf
You give, but I want more till there's nothing left
not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come
yet to mankind is what you'll succumb
to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins
The grasp of nature is in her eyes
I want the between her thighs
I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive”

You’re an awesome writer and I hope you stick around and compete

11-09-2020, 04:08 PM	#1
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	Week 1: Master Rock vs Defiant ROCK WINS VIA NS, OPEN FOR FEED AOWL Season IX @Master Rock vs @Defiant Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time Line min: 10 Max: 50 Check ins: 48 hours after thread post Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451 Topic: Last edited by Inno; 11-09-2020 at 04:15 PM.

11-11-2020, 09:34 AM	#3
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,330 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	Check __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

11-13-2020, 10:25 PM	#4
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,330 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	The source of my breath atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf You give, but I want more till there's nothing left not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come yet to mankind is what you'll succumb to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins The grasp of nature is in her eyes I want the between her thighs I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive place my stake you give, you give, I take till you bleed you sow your seed I eat, you feed in my ignorance I won't concede I watch as you give birth I cut deep and disperse masochistic, why must be so perverse? I take, I use and abuse, while she stays put and profuse she sustains me I can't get enough more and more I lust Her heart light like a butterfly but under my heel I crush withering the fruitful yield leave her in agony while she holds the last seed to build __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz Last edited by Master Rock; 11-13-2020 at 11:27 PM.

11-14-2020, 03:25 PM	#7
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	You finally didn't no-show! That deserves a round of applause in and of itself lol... Nah, but for real this was cool man. I dug your take on this, some solid wordplay/concepts sprinkled in there. You wording was off though at a couple points, I noticed... but I filled in the gaps. No real issue... just thought I'd mention it. I liked this part the best: "I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive" Good stuff. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

11-15-2020, 10:56 PM	#8
Hush NJ Devil Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,042 Battle Record: Who Cares Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Rep Power: 84181417	Loved the end Went out on a high note Good pacing Great visuals Kudos __________________ Bed stuy fly Bushwick sick East ny walk

11-10-2020, 01:36 AM	#2
Defiant Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 1,121 Battle Record: 31-50 Champed - Time to Kill I Rep Power: 6442244	Check

11-13-2020, 11:12 PM	#5
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	@Defiant

11-14-2020, 03:24 AM	#6
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Master Rock wins via no-show Give this man some feedback

11-16-2020, 09:32 AM	#10
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,330 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	... __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz Last edited by Master Rock; 11-16-2020 at 11:03 AM.

11-16-2020, 02:03 PM	#11
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Really enjoyed this read and think had your opponent shown you would have had this in the bag regardless. Loved the ties to Mother Nature, but also keeping it vague enough to be read in different lights. The imagery you provoked was beautiful and though there wasn’t really a concrete storyline I dug the whole character analysis and all the wonderful language. I think you captured the essence of the photo well, the whimsical nature of it. My favorite part was: “ The source of my breath atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf You give, but I want more till there's nothing left not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come yet to mankind is what you'll succumb to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins The grasp of nature is in her eyes I want the between her thighs I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive” You’re an awesome writer and I hope you stick around and compete