Week 1: Concrete vs Maximus CONCRETE WINS OPEN FOR FEED

[Inno]

AOWL Season IX


@Concrete vs @Maximus


Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time



Line min: 10

Max: 50


Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451


Topic:

[Concrete]

Check.

[Concrete]

"Stepping Stones"



raised on downtrodden rock-bottom sorrow streets
seeing through half empty bottles a drowning need
beneath dry concrete merely seeds of greed blossom
bleeding my pockect dry at every end means bottom
the good one long gone bad as the world looked glum
actualized by redrum and bedlam - enter the hoodlum
desperate need to escape the filthy cheap estates
envisioning the almighty dollar in a dreamy state
letting my people die is a fact as I provided the crack
just to make it to that other side of the tracks


made it across, even got a job and obeyed the boss
saved a prayer for the lost while I had to pay the cost
whether grit under my fingernails or deliver mail
steady aim for bigger gains and rock silver chains
my mind instilled the frame to totally win the game
a sinners claim, let the devil decieve and trick my brain
that mansion on the hill one day my grandsons could live
further expansion of skills, broking shady financial deals
waiting for any chance to appear to advance my career
got that promotion and I didn't even glance at my peers



human being in charge, living large and making waves
sweet like baking cake, let the depraved take the weight
abominable office rats gone astray in this great maze
competing to eat that sweet cheese, my wage slaves
making my payday, fuck em, I paved the way to profit
let em get played in my office, every complaint is forfeit
yet, with covetous eyes I observe the towers in the sky
skies is the limit, why - aint letting my power be denied



only the strong survive, gazing down on the city of steel
being supreme I committed to be - very little pity to feel
furniture made from oakwood, I don't miss the old hood
climbing the corporate ladder - constantly up to no good
simply being that shrewd dude to rudely undermine fools
through all walks of life they were dirt under my shoes


God knows, power triumphs love
cos as above, not so much below

[Maximus]

Oh my, just saw this.. Extension please

[Concrete]

okay by me

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Arrival Of The Many Angled Ones: 2020/20/12

There are forces at work more powerful than physics, that are stronger than gravity or electromagnetism
A sinister plot devised to enslave; using money and fear as an iron made blade
That was forged in the fire of a hydrogen flame by Hephaestus and Himmler and science that came
Via satellite data collected from Saturn, the Lord of the Rings, who's methods and patterns
Established the creed of a Jesuit chapter that practiced the 'Keys' of Aleister's master
King Solomon's dagger and rosary beads, a crown made of thorns for Odin and Eve
We're soaking in greed and hopeless despair, afraid of a ghost that floats in the air
Covid-19 a hoax or a prayer prepared by a Pope only know to the heirs of Paradise Lost
Who inherited Earth while Sumerians fought in chariots drawn by the scariest donkeys
American Commies, selling our shares to various Nazis, nefarious posses of lobbyist, too
In cahoots with Medusa while swearing to Zeus, this Odyssey's true, the mare of Neptune
Stands at the stoop of Paris's doom—a marriage consumed by Vanity's touch withers then blooms
Insanity's such a backwards affair, they stare in the mirror, but nobody's there
Vampiric reflection is simply awareness of that which is 'void of spiritual essence and blessings destroyed
Seigfried & Roy recited the lessons of Sigmund S. Freud to pleasant androids who later became the Mothers of Wolves
Taking pages from Gate's and Belphegor's book: 'Technology's (S)Pawns and Digital Rooks'
The populace hooked on silicon crack and opium made in metaphysical flasks
While Nikola gasps from the Valley of Death translated in Java to actual text
"You'll live to regret the Quantum Computer that opened the West to demonic intruders"
Lovecraftian Loopers are plotting a war by locking the doors to higher dimensions
To keep us imprisoned with boots on our spines, corrupting our posture, diluting our shine
Polluting the sky with chemical trails, while 5G devices send signals to Hell
The mineral smell of sulfur and cinder, opens our noses in the coldest December
While Kronos exposes our whole solar system as coded programs that are broken and glitching
Both noticeably missing from their local positions are the Sun and the Moon
Cos Lucifer’s shadow eclipses the view in the form of new shoes that crushes our tomb

[Objective]

Concrete: I like the title you gave to the topic given, and jumping straight into it with the first 4 lines. No need to dwell on anything, good shit.

the good one long gone bad as the world looked glum
actualized by redrum and bedlam - enter the hoodlum
^This was fun to read, I like the tongue in cheek and good intro to your character.

First stanza was dope af as far as I'm concerned. Second stanza slightly more lackluster in terms of rhymeschemes from the heavy first, but that might not be a bad thing if you get back into it with the next ones as you've already kinda set the standard for your piece. That said, content-wise this is really good stuff.

Third stanza is cool, can't compete with the other two but definitely keeps the story going. Good shit.

Fourth stanza was definitely cool, the finishing couplet wrapped it all together perfectly and you picked apart the topic with ease. You seemed inspired and motivated on this one, solid stuff overall.

Activate Self: The first 3 lines was pretty cool. Heavier twist on the topic in terms of vocab, references and similies than Johnny's but both verses are equally dope quality-wise. Hah "Odin and Eve", interesting and cool mix of characters considering the concept you're going for as well.

Covid-19 a hoax or a prayer prepared by a Pope only know to the heirs of Paradise Lost
^Was honestly hoping there wouldn't be any references to the virus in your piece, I see what you're doing but it disappointed me a little, what's the connection to the Paradise Lost guys? Struggling to find the connection you're making here, maybe I'm just stupid.

Taking pages from Gate's and Belphegor's book: 'Technology's (S)Pawns and Digital Rooks'
^Hah! Good one, liked this one and the use of Belphegor, a bit forced with (S)Pawns but definitely works on paper proving text has its advantages in terms of creativity. Cool one.

"You'll live to regret the Quantum Computer that opened the West to demonic intruders"
Lovecraftian Loopers are plotting a war by locking the doors to higher dimensions
^You got some really dope couplets and ideas here and there, a few I might not get tbph like the Paradise Lost reference. I googled it now to cross-check my IQ-levels and I'll honestly say I didn't know of that poem before, so translation to me as a dumb reader got lost in the mix. A risk you take as a writer when jotting down shit as complex as this. I'm digging it now but also drew me a bit away from reading it in completion. Don't stop writing like this tho, shit's dope but a thing to keep in mind that may lose you some votes in the future cus people like me may not get the full extent of your piece. You probably already know this tho and I love what you put together here, dope af

Both noticeably missing from their local positions are the Sun and the Moon
Cos Lucifer’s shadow eclipses the view in the form of new shoes that crushes our tomb
^Dope closure

Vote: Well... This one is fucking hard to vote on tbh. Both had equally great pieces in their respective styles. Concrete had a consistent and solid story, albeit a bit safe it was well executed with a rather lacking third stanza if I should pick out a drawback at all. Activate Self took the topic to new heights by writing a piece about how developments of humans destroy themselves through means of technology and their own inevitable downfall of man as we push each other down bit by bit with every advancement we make, while greed gets the better of us. Clever references throughout that connects the dot to a deeper meaning behind it all, Lucifer's plot on humans can be understood literally or figuratively depending on how you look upon money/fear being used by either our own desires or him as a higher entity which makes sense considering the references to the Bible here and there. I got to read em both again.

After a second read and taking in Activate Self's verse I personally enjoyed his more, the replay value is really great as I took more time to see the connections. In the end MVGT Self Activate for great literary techniques, crazy rhymeschemes and interesting references, creative spins and similies combined for a well thought out verse that definitely did it for me in the end. Probably the best I've read from him yet, he went in! That isn't to draw too much back on Concrete's piece tho, cus that was solid in its own but ye, after a second read Self Activate definitely takes it for me.

Good battle, enjoyed the re-reads as well for sure!

[MMLP]

Open for feed? so im feeding lol
concrete – b4 I start another dope pick imo!!! one slight negative out the way first, I like to be constructive lmao! the layout is slightly off putting, personally I think the story naturally separates key moments within itself (as it should), no one likes to be spoon fed, ya dig lol?... I used to do it, so I know lmao

you rhyme beastly, structure is mostly intact, I seriously appreciate shit like that, Big up! big fan of the shorter line approach, just flows, reads smoothly. LESS IS MORE!

‘waiting for any chance to appear to advance my career
got that promotion and I didn't even glance at my peers’

perfect example, a lot going on here, short and sweet, reads smoothly, doesn’t drag on.

A nice philosophical piece overall. haven’t read much from you so ill watch the space! Keep writing!

[Concrete]

Thanks for having a look. I tried to be super clever and have one verse per foot + its an old habit of mine.