Week 1: Hush vs Candy HUSH WINS

[Inno]

AOWL Season IX


@Hush vs @Candy


Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time



Line min: 10

Max: 50


Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451


Topic:

[Candy]

smeckity smuck

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145472
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145471
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145474

[Candy]

youth of the nation
..

We reach for the star's arrested on our own
seek solitude in even the most simplest of tones
pulse out hot air like its a trending stare down
huff and puff with eyes on the ground for coins and crowns
our pockets filled with the truths of ancient cries
from in out confessional booths to diaries
the words fall on fallen tongues of lies golden
holding ourselves tight with police tape of olden
our dad rents not own the wood that fires the home
our mum grows the beans that are flicked in the stove
my siblings follow donate but are little less pure
i have a pet i pat but its hair is malting
my shoulders stretched out with hands worth folding
the stripped yellow and black paint tears
from the fence around the school that my bro shares
he wears my hand me downs for funds we lack
his lungs collapsed so his pump stays in backpack
one day he was late to class when im grabbed
the teacher thought i was him then bent and smacked
as i reach with the mud on my palms with soot
yelp "i may be troubled but yourea flat foot"

[Hush]

The violence was ingrained since bred , lil baby baked in the oven
A cold world that offered no loving .. scars since birth .. hide em in public
Beat my hide off .. so I would hide when he’s coming
Jeckly and Hyde but one side was rarely discovered
Spare the rod and spoil the child , the whole batch was rotten
Violent savage and toxic ... pain inside leave us disguised as obnoxious
Before the wounds could scab on parents they handed em down
We all had a taste it went around to every hand in the crowd
Cut from the same cloth it was our hand me downs .. hard ass life
All repeating the same cycle and most of us never had a bike
Silent mouth . Why bother to scream and shout
When it’s time to learn they beat it into you
And if u couldn’t answer the question they beat it out
I do this to you cuz I love you . Well it don’t feel like it
The violence was so predictable any kid could feel physic
More emotional baggage disposed in the rubble
Since conception regarded as trouble .. raised by a system built not to love u
It changed me from human .. almost made me a mutant
No one picks this or chooses
Simple to see the issues with authority ... only thing if ever gave us was bruises

[Universe]

Candy:

Not a bad verse, for you. But didn't really connect to the topic until the very end. I get that you're telling a tale of youth, the misdeeds that ultimately lead to punishment, but it's just too loose for me. I struggle to find many redeeming qualities in your topical verses.

Sorry, bud.


Hush:

This was solid my dude. Simple wordplay flips but done well and you made them relevant. I appreciated all the small details you tucked in here and there. Few wording/spelling errors, and putting "if" instead of "it" in the closing line kind of sucked and pulled me out of the finish, but other than that nothing too jarring.

"The violence was ingrained since bred , lil baby baked in the oven
A cold world that offered no loving .. scars since birth .. hide em in public
Beat my hide off .. so I would hide when he’s coming
Jeckly and Hyde but one side was rarely discovered"

Beauty ^^

Vote: Hush

[Dank]

Okay, I’m not entirely sure I “got” what Candy was aiming for here if I’m completely honest. The verse did come off as written quite quickly, lacking clarity in spots. The end rhyme of “cries” and “diaries” was jarring for me. It may work purely in written form, but when read aloud the two don’t sound the same and it has me questioning whether Candy may be of Nigerian descent? Possibly. I would guess than English isn’t her first language. Here’s an example:

our dad rents not own the wood that fires the home

I’m not sure what this means, the line is convoluted, maybe it should have been “our Dad rents, not owns,” and it being simply a matter of poor punctuation but then given the context it’s referring to (of wood to burn) there would be no reason to “rent” it, so I find myself lost as to meaning. If any. I found the same in a few spots throughout the verse, so I can only conclude the error is with the rushed writing and lack of clarity from the writer to reader - falling short of his intent.



Hush: This is a rarity to see you in topical form. I think you’ll surprise some people, you’re a lot better than your opposition here, the punchline-esque quality to your lines and ability to make them quoteables will serve you well on the topical side. An early one I liked was the Hide line you toyed back and forth with, repeating the cycle was another offhand that I thought showcased your ability well. The overarching theme you went for here was above and beyond your oppositions capability, right down to the execution and delivery. It’s just got a lot more in more areas that you excel in where she fails - the technical aspects with multies etc, the idea driving behind it, the wording, it’s just a mark above what Candy brought here.


Vote - Hush

[Concrete]

Candy - Perhaps you was unmotivated or in a hurry or something, it's a shame really cos I see there's potential for something greater here.
The opening bar was decent enough but the overall tone lacked focus from there and out. I dont see where you wanted to go with this intepretaion, if anywhere. Still you show you got nice vocab and poetic vibes going on in your writing, I suspect you can do better given time and oppurtunity.
That being said it's not a bad piece at all.


Hush - more in tune with the topic picture given. Seems like you played around with some concepts here rather than going for a big narrative, and at that it worked fine. No filler, stating more with less words and all that. There was some nice gritty feel to it that matched the topic well.
These lines I liked:

Beat my hide off .. so I would hide when he’s coming
Jeckly and Hyde but one side was rarely discovered
Spare the rod and spoil the child , the whole batch was rotten
Violent savage and toxic ... pain inside leave us disguised as obnoxious



Vote Hush, basically better at all aspects in this match.

[Master Rock]

Candy, had an interesting take, I had to read through it twice. But the story of the topic wasn't apparent, it seemed like a look back at your generational history but I nothing really stood out to me accept for this line, "our pockets filled with the truths of ancient cries" but then the next line you added diaries and I just could not get that to flow. As for your ending it related to the picture but I am not sure if it was suppose to be comedic or its possible that I just didn't get it.

As for Hush, this was a much better topical verse then the last one I recalled you did and you utilize this topic nicely. You opener wasn't to strong but then you grasp me on the second line combining it into the rest of the verse. The story and the background of one being abuse and troubled seems like a a glimpse into the psyche of this individual and the reasoning and approach to their mindset. Well written, nice wording, solid story, and poetic.

Nice job, Mr. Battler.

Candy madd props on showing up.

Giving it to Hush.

[Lucipher Howlz]

Candy: To be honest not exactly sure where you were going with this. In some parts I got where it actually connected to the picture but other parts I was left a little baffled. This feels like a language barrier for me when it comes to flow and and connection of the story.

Hush: Your opening was fire. What a way to set the emotion of the story rite off the bat.

he violence was ingrained since bred , lil baby baked in the oven
A cold world that offered no loving .. scars since birth .. hide em in public
Beat my hide off .. so I would hide when he’s coming
Jeckly and Hyde but one side was rarely discovered"----Great beginning.

"More emotional baggage disposed in the rubble
Since conception regarded as trouble .. raised by a system built not to love u
It changed me from human .. almost made me a mutant
No one picks this or chooses
Simple to see the issues with authority ... only thing if ever gave us was bruises"---Also really enjoyed this part a lot. I feel you were more close to the topic than your opponent I really liked your depiction of the topic and overall it was a really nice read.

Overall I feel Hush got this. He hit on the topic more and flow was more on point. Pretty cut & dry tbh

Vote: Hush

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Candy:
I realize I'm not one to talk when I say this, especially given the sort of style I've chosen to display lately, but usually, when I'm reading your work, it typically tends to come across has being very abstract and whimsical in concept, as well as in language. This one however, seemed a little more grounded in it's narrative. Although, it still had quite a few moments of abstraction. It was however, easier to follow than it normally is.

With that said, I understood your story to be one of humble beginnings that recounted a childhood of poverty, and low social standings. Perhaps not the most innovative topic I've ever read. I mean, with all honesty, it's a subject that's been touched on since the beginning of time, but where you shined brightest was in your written voice. There was a measure of authenticity that added weight and substance to your words, and I liked that.


Hush:
I want to say that the first half of your story was about beatings you received at home, while the second half was about "discipline" you received at school. I could be wrong, but that's how it read to me. In any regard, I believe the overarching theme of your piece was about the trauma our families often pass down as "tradition", as well as, the hypocrisy of a moral society that enforces morality through violence, or something like that. In any case, this was a really good write up. Your diction was clear. Your wordplay was clever when it needed to be. And you remained on topic the entire time. Good stuff.



Vote: Hush
I think Hush had the better piece overall. His words flowed better. His imagery was more visual. And he employed more clever and creative techniques. Candy's piece was cool. It had a certain level of realness to it. And there were some poetic phrases sprinkled in as well. But the wording, in and of itself, seemed a little cluttered, which broke the flow of the read, at least for me.

[Mr. J]

Candy your verse had moments that were...interesting. what threw me off was when you said "mom would flick beans into the oven" just the whole concept of that got a decent laugh out of me but I don't think that's what you were going for. I understand the gravity of the situation you are trying to convey though.

As for Hush, reading your piece was smooth and well done the concept came off easy to read and catch onto. I don't really have any complaints.

Honestly this felt one sided due to how Candy's verse had all these different concepts compiled into one piece. There were ideas that would have worked if they were more cohesive and coherent for my half awake mind to understand. Gotta give it to Hush