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Old 11-09-2020, 03:58 PM   #1
Inno
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Default Week 1: Eviction vs MMLP MMLP WINS

AOWL Season IX


@Eviction vs @MMLP


Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time



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Old 11-09-2020, 07:40 PM   #2
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Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction Eviction
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Check is 30 lines cool? Got nbl to write for too
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Old 11-10-2020, 03:45 AM   #3
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ill try lol! GL
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Old 11-13-2020, 08:30 AM   #4
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Got one condition and the clock is ticking
As we turn the half century, there’s another virus to contain!
Undeterred as I’ll ever be in trying to escape,
Time to use our brains and poke holes in the system
cuz with survival at a rate this low, we’re restricted!
And all hope is diminishing fast to the point of no return.
We probed the statistics, now our voices won’t be heard,
as unemployment slowly curves on a downward trajectory.
This boy’s a homing bird, yet I’m powerless, set me free!
Thoughts clouded with treachery to a kid which is stifled.
As the boundless depression keeps on its vicious cycle,
an ever spinning spiral of those desolate lonely nights
A swift reprisal, being set on opposing sides
a composition of my sombre image
As the pressures will slowly rise in this passage of history.
Left to my own devices as they challenge my liberties.
In my sandpit of misery lie some nuclear reactors.
We’re battling rigorously between student and the masters,
proving I’m the latter as I often seemed to do.
whilst beautifully capturing life from this scenic view.
Forgotten dreams of who I hoped I’d surpass,
with the sand softly seeping through my toes where I stand.
The moment I planted my feet I would descend
become openly anxious the deeper they could get.
From scheming my inventions as if I’m dreaming.
To seemingly relenting to that sinking feeling.
Thought I hit my ceiling as lockdowns caused gaping wounds
but with different reasoning I vowed to change my mood.
Now creative juices are really flowing in my pit.
It’s how I’m making moves and not just hoping for a shift,
it’s about knowing when to quit and thinking, finally!
Cuz coping with this sickness is what I didn’t like to see.
A different kind of eagerness in awaiting a vaccination.
….feeling non-existent with this cost of living
But the best things in life are free and you can’t take away my imagination!
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Old 11-13-2020, 11:09 PM   #5
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I know I’m going to die one day, I can already see the wheels in motion.
real emotion, that's locked up like a package, that was sealed and frozen.
Hiding behind the mask, haunted by the demon’s that are still approaching.
The veil was broken, even in this picture as a boy, I kneel when loathing.
Like this sand castle, who’s going to be there when I lose my balance.
I wanted to grow up, be careful what you’re wishing for; I knew the challenge.
You can either go far or get buried in the quicksand if you use your talent…
In this money driven world that’s non existent, all they can do is count it.
This mask keeps me from the real world, I’m not trying to avoid sickness.
I’m trying to lock myself away from the disaster, before I’m destroyed in it.
I know time is running out on the hourglass, I used to play in the same sand.
Dreams of being a pilot turned into a nightmare, when I saw that plane land.
I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air.
Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair.
I was too young for most things, too young to vision my family in a casket.
If I take this seashell to show and tell, it’ll probably make my entire class sick.
Keep it together, stay strong, maybe I’ll find a foundation that’s still standing.
I’m like the home that burned to the ground, recovering from real damage.
When it comes to rebuilding, you must understand it’s harder than it looks.
How can u keep a structure from corruption, if u have to guard it from crooks.
Life lessons can’t be learned from books, they can be earned after your vanity.
Reality turns into a cold story, how can you get through the chapters of kalamity.
Raptured from sanity, my mind has deteriorated and there’s no coming back.
I was told to face the cruel world head on, I’ll always choose to run from facts.
Escape To the past, when problems were masked, and hidden under the surface.
As an innocent boy I didn’t have a care in the world, or have to wonder my purpose.
This mask was the only cure, as I got older I became more vulnerable to the toxin.
Swallowed poison from the sludge, the coffin is the only way you can stop it.
I was afraid of everything, darkness felt like scorpions crawling inside my skin.
I’m kind of like this sand castle, you’ll see me blow away after the slightest wind.
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Old 11-14-2020, 03:03 PM   #6
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MMLP:

I always look forward to reading your pieces, man. And this is another one that didn't disappoint. There were layers to this verse that I really appreciated... the italics lines sprinkled throughout like breadcrumbs was really a unique thing to read. I loved how they connected too. Correct me if I'm wrong... but is MMLP growing up? lol. Just seems like a way more mature version than your GWL twist-type stuff you were doing back then.

That said, another virus piece... ugh. Fits to the topic though, so not too mad about it this time. This was definitely a metaphor-heavy verse, and it took me a few reads to really unpack everything you were trying to say. But it was worth the effort, overall. At times I felt you towed the line between being too metaphorical at the expense of the story... but I think if people really look at what you're saying they will see the value.

Flow was nice, easy to read. Actually, you could've lengthened your bars a bit and I wouldn't have been mad. You had some room for a little more detail. Some really cool multi's can be found in here too. I hope people really dive deep into this... It's worth it.

Highlights:

"Thoughts clouded with treachery to a kid which is stifled.
As the boundless depression keeps on its vicious cycle,
an ever spinning spiral of those desolate lonely nights
A swift reprisal, being set on opposing sides
"


"In my sandpit of misery lie some nuclear reactors.
We’re battling rigorously between student and the masters,
proving I’m the latter as I often seemed to do.
whilst beautifully capturing life from this scenic view.
Forgotten dreams of who I hoped I’d surpass,
with the sand softly seeping through my toes where I stand.
The moment I planted my feet I would descend
become openly anxious the deeper they could get.
From scheming my inventions as if I’m dreaming.
To seemingly relenting to that sinking feeling
."

- ^^THIS was impressive af. Kept the metaphor going for 10 lines... not easy to pull off.

Great verse here, MMLP. We haven't battled yet, have we...? :P


Eviction:

Where are all these new guys coming from? lol. Aliases, I'm sure. But they all seem to be equally talented...

Eviction, this was dope my man. Cool connection to the topic and technically proficient. Loved the multi's and the story-telling aspects thrown in there at random intervals to keep the head of steam going. You seemed to weave in and out of the metaphorical approach and then back to the story... I liked it.

Piece felt a tad chunky though... almost a polar opposite of MMLP's in terms of line length. However, it still worked and read well. I said in my Lucipher Howlz review that his multi's kind of got in the way of his story, but I actually think you were able to maintain them well here and keep everything clear, concise and easy to follow. That's tough to do, so kudos on that.

I felt the beginning of your verse was much better than the end though. Like the attention to detail just sort of dwindled down a bit... not too much, but enough to notice.

Yeah, I mean... for the most part, this was good. Not much else to say. Let's get into my favorite parts.

Highlights:

"I know I’m going to die one day, I can already see the wheels in motion.
real emotion, that's locked up like a package, that was sealed and frozen.
Hiding behind the mask, haunted by the demon’s that are still approaching.
The veil was broken, even in this picture as a boy, I kneel when loathing
."

- Damn good start. Technically sound.

"This mask keeps me from the real world, I’m not trying to avoid sickness.
I’m trying to lock myself away from the disaster, before I’m destroyed in it.
I know time is running out on the hourglass, I used to play in the same sand.
Dreams of being a pilot turned into a nightmare, when I saw that plane land.
I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air.
Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair
."

- Great writing here.

UGHHH... another close ass battle. This is tough... Okay. MMLP had the edge in flow and creativity. Loved the italics shit, as mentioned. Eviction gets the nod for story telling aspects. Multi's were fairly even...

Man... I'm gonna go with the more creative approach I think. It was pretty even to me upon first read through and I loved both of your takes...but MMLP edged it out and did something different... He gets the nod here in a close one.

Great work, both of you. Really.

Vote - MMLP
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Old 11-15-2020, 05:01 AM   #7
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MMLP: I think this played to your strengths and offered up a chance write something with several layers, as you often attempt to incorporate into your verses, the idea of the virus (though not necessarily the current coronavirus given your early mention about the turn of the half century?) added a current theme but also a glimpse into a not far distant dystopian future. The comparisons are there in the image, the mask wearing an obvious one, but also the grander scale of the isolation and loneliness no doubt many people are feeling right now - alone in the world, or even almost bereft of that world they once knew. They’re kept apart. Everything’s at arms length, yet feels a lifetime away. We can’t see or hold each other. Vast cities are practically empty. It really does feel like how you imagine the end of times to be. Very apt. I agree about this requiring subsequent reads to divulge the varied meanings, but you dug in and delved into the beauty in the misery. I felt this was more of a topical, than a story, somewhat but I did still enjoy it. The obvious mechanics and technical ability on show was stronger than Eviction’s, for sure, and the shorter line lengths gave you an edge for me because they were kept concise and sharp.

Quote:
As the pressures will slowly rise in this passage of history.
Left to my own devices as they challenge my liberties.
In my sandpit of misery lie some nuclear reactors.
We’re battling rigorously between student and the masters,
proving I’m the latter as I often seemed to do.
whilst beautifully capturing life from this scenic view.
Forgotten dreams of who I hoped I’d surpass,
with the sand softly seeping through my toes where I stand.
The moment I planted my feet I would descend
become openly anxious the deeper they could get.
From scheming my inventions as if I’m dreaming.
To seemingly relenting to that sinking feeling.
Thought I hit my ceiling as lockdowns caused gaping wounds
but with different reasoning I vowed to change my mood.

This was my favourite section overall from you.



Eviction: You honestly surprised me here, came out of left field with some fire. I enjoyed the storyline you detailed, and again the technical prowess to your rhyme placement etc was on point throughout. I agree with Universe in so much as you starting stronger than you maybe finished, the take wasnt all that dissimilar to your opponents which makes this all the more a closer battle overall for me - the topical vs the storytelling element - both were fairly evenly matched in terms of the technical proficiency to their verses but maybe with a slight edge toward MMLP there in terms of how he chose to execute his within a shorter lined format that came off slightly cleaner and more polished.

Quote:
This mask keeps me from the real world, I’m not trying to avoid sickness.
I’m trying to lock myself away from the disaster, before I’m destroyed in it.
I know time is running out on the hourglass, I used to play in the same sand.
Dreams of being a pilot turned into a nightmare, when I saw that plane land.
I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air.
Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair.
I was too young for most things, too young to vision my family in a casket.
If I take this seashell to show and tell, it’ll probably make my entire class sick.
Keep it together, stay strong, maybe I’ll find a foundation that’s still standing.
I’m like the home that burned to the ground, recovering from real damage.
When it comes to rebuilding, you must understand it’s harder than it looks.
How can u keep a structure from corruption, if u have to guard it from crooks.

Vote - MMLP
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Old 11-15-2020, 02:50 PM   #8
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MMLP - overall it's a pretty cool take on the topic at hand. I could sense some anxiety inducing impending doom vibes that fitted the image well.
I may be completely wrong but I got some sense of a more reflective approach towards the ending, ala facing the vulnerability and going onward type of thing. Bar for bar it's on-point as far as I can tell, showing got grasp writing more intricate than your opponent here.
Overall it's dope, tho this bar stood out as the best:

Thoughts clouded with treachery to a kid which is stifled.
As the boundless depression keeps on its vicious cycle,






Eviction - You definately did your thing here as well.
More stretched lines than your foe but fortunately you managed to
keep a steady rhythm\flow all the way. More straightforward and focused story that fitted your style well.
Another strong point here is that you didn't stray from the story given
the length. So, like MMLP you kept the momentum going the whole piece as well. There's one bar that I liked in particular tho:

I was just a kid living out a fantasy, I didn’t know about the pollution in the air.
Vapor leaving the population in despair, too young to offer a solution to repair.


^^My cup of black tea right there.

As for the vote its quite hard to decide, MMLP had more finesse bar for bar
yet Evictions story was sorta more charming to me. After reading again I'll follow the trend and edge it to MMLP, I felt his wording is more unique.

So vote MMLP, but isn't as one-sided as the votes suggest.
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Old 11-16-2020, 06:57 AM   #9
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mmlp:
yeh there was a verse about this subject matter in part but yeh yours was def a dif take on it which did just open more of what is out there and can and deliver more with its story where it was just pretty what it was showing and it kept going with the lines was airing out some really cool images along the way with such a title.. so thanks..

eviction:
pretty dope it was a solid press at and into you word for word not too much to your rhyme scheme but dope none the less it was a breath of fresh air and a general good read where you can just drift through and yeh i got a feel for the scorpion part just lil drops like that was cool.. thanks

vote = mmlp

vote a prettier and flushed out piece
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Old 11-16-2020, 12:27 PM   #10
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This was well written from both ends. MMLP had a direction geared inward regarding the current situation that the world is facing at the moment which was apparent throughout. But in reading the verse nothing really grabbed me besides the vocab and the close detail to writing. But on the other end Eviction, grasped me with the psyche of the individual living in the moment captured in the frame. After the third line I was completely engaged and was anticipating each line after. This was a story of a honorific nature of a desolate world through a child's eye.
Overall I like both, but Eviction's verse was much more engaging.
Giving it up to Eviction.
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Old 11-16-2020, 04:55 PM   #11
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MMLP - You’re always a strong writer but this piece in particular resonated with me, you had great multis and flow all while moving your storyline forward. I was too expecting some kind of weird twist that connected this to like Fallout 3 or Mad Max but the twist never came and I was good with that. You got a little predictable in the GWL with your topic selections but honestly you had a lot of good things with this verse and that little section Universe quoted up there was awesome.

Eviction - you’re super talented. It’s nice to get some fresh blood on this league who can write very well. I like how your verse connected itself to the pandemic but more importantly to death overall, honestly I related more to your piece than I did MMLP as someone with an anxiety disorder I just loved the emotions you conveyed and the different things like that. All I would suggest is shortening up your lines a little bit (I have the same issue) lol but honestly as a writer you captivated me

I’m leaning towards MMLP here because his verse was more layered and was a smoother read BUT this was super close and Eviction has no reason to be discouraged

V/MMLP
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