Inadequate

Spoken · 08-15-2013, 03:24 AM

The hands of the clock strike and light shuns from the dark,
Speaking withered; in fright, crows feast it's way to your heart.
Molded emotions, golden age motion for purpose,
Searching with scars open but hands hopeless and worthless.
Perfect! ...
Now my attention for such direction, consorting the train of thought,
Nervously flips with intention; A misconception; the plot.
.
.
.
"Alone Again"

But only for the time being, seeing as the sun will rise,
Consortium bandits cleaning bodies from the inside.
Showing truth through such angles, leveling thought,
Creation of what is sought to be a mistake that was brought.
Mumbling names a few months ago now she's screaming,
Glum with dreams and blaming her actions on demons.

"Unfortunate Accident"

In minutes, after seconds, that light shunned is now capped,
While we slack to clear the trap she cracks; reacts with a snap.
An instant too Late, as the once blue clouds, remain black,
Prayer from within is lacked to retract lucifers hand in this act.
A grimace with poise grins as the noise shrouds aloud,
An alabaster, though beautiful isn't allowed to float with a crowd.
Instead of clouding emotions the ocean flows through the pupils,
Be what you choose to but make sure the squeeze is more fruitful.

Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.

When that same hand of time struck difference around,
My heart beat paced a pound for pound eutrophic surround.
Jotting my visual with imperial clots contorting so serious,
Knotting what's visible and empirical; the nots of these businesses.
Impeccable words dilute the truth which absurd to most,
Sure we chose but the decisional hope was made from the others throat.
Now that they're choking we pay the broken consequences,
Maybe if they came to there senses and stop swinging for the fences-
Then maybe.... Just maybe they'd open their eyes to such recklessness.

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

"Trudy at 14 had an abortion but said she never chose such event to have happened and sued the hospital for proceedings, when opted and I quote "SHE didn't want to at first".

Spoken · 08-15-2013, 06:20 AM

anyone?!...

Spoken · 08-15-2013, 06:30 AM

yeah i am actually reading that in my other tab right now... gonna really give a feedback on those two thanks @Certain Serpent

Certain · 08-16-2013, 04:32 AM

So, when I noticed the font was Arial like DeathLion's on his two old verses, I wondered whether this was an old verse or something. I looked it up, and sure enough this is two years old from RapBattles. I don't really know what you expect to get from feedback on a two-year-old verse. Anyway, I'll give you a little bit of feed with that perspective in mind.

This verse wouldn't have worked without the closing line, which wasn't rhymed. That's not good. I've already told you that being more direct could be a big boon for you, and this verse illustrates why. With the final line snapped into place, your word choices do make more sense and the story improves. But I read these verses closer than probably just about anyone on these boards, and I didn't realize this was about abortion until that final line, which again, wasn't rapped. There's a value in being subtle, but storytelling generally works better when you tell the story.

Vulgar · 08-17-2013, 03:17 PM

@Storyteller, in general you have all the ingredients to being a future behemoth. You also lack key disciplines, specifically in your diction. Brittle mechanics and wording that leaves something to be desired doesn't help your verses make a substantial impact. I'm going to see if I can offer you anything quality & constructive in the form of feedback.

The hands of the clock strike and light shuns from the dark,
^shuns from the dark doesn't really make sense. Shunned by the dark would.
Speaking withered; in fright, crows feast it's way to your heart.
^Forced. Withered speaking tends to frighten as crows lunge at a functional heart* is my suggestion
Molded emotions, golden age motion for purpose,
^Whenever writers mention emotions in a verse it is like an unnecessary disclaimer. If there are characters involved, show us their emotions, i.e. like you did in the previous line 'fright' - show, don't tell. This line was deadweight.
Searching with scars open but hands hopeless and worthless.
^Good rhyme but weak connection @ 'searching with scars' - searching FOR visible scars might make more sense.
Perfect! ...
Now my attention for such direction, consorting the train of thought,
^consorting is not the right word. Assemblage in my train of thought, maybe.
Nervously flips with intention; A misconception; the plot.
^Ok.

"Alone Again"
^This is useless.

But only for the time being, seeing as the sun will rise,
Consortium bandits cleaning bodies from the inside.
^grammar in the second line is off but I like the image evoked. I doubt you will capitalize on it though.
Showing truth through such angles, leveling thought,
Creation of what is sought to be a mistake that was brought.
^Way too general and monotonous. The rhymes should be more magnetic too. For me personally, I try to make the reader look forward to seeing what I rhyme with.
Mumbling names a few months ago now she's screaming,
Glum with dreams and blaming her actions on demons.
^Same as the above line, this is too 'regular' sounding, like anyone can write it. Put an original spin on your creations and you will be rewarded.

"Unfortunate Accident"

In minutes, after seconds, that light shunned is now capped,
^Smh. Is it minutes or seconds? Decide lol. And stop rushing your wording. Use correct English: that light that was shunned is now capped
While we slack to clear the trap she cracks; reacts with a snap.
^Best line of the verse so far.
An instant too Late, as the once blue clouds, remain black,
Prayer from within is lacked to retract lucifers hand in this act.
^'is lacked' doesn't make sense. Lucifer's hand retraction is a good concept.
A grimace with poise grins as the noise shrouds aloud,
^shrouds aloud is very forced.
An alabaster, though beautiful isn't allowed to float with a crowd.
What do you mean by an alabaster? This is weak.
Instead of clouding emotions the ocean flows through the pupils,
^The remark I made about emotions still stands. You don't need to state there are emotions. Prove there are emotions and as the reader I will respect the circumstances without question.
Be what you choose to but make sure the squeeze is more fruitful.
^don't need the word 'more' here but it's optional I guess. I liked this line.

When that same hand of time struck difference around,
My heart beat paced a pound for pound eutrophic surround.
^Not feeling.
Jotting my visual with imperial clots contorting so serious,
Knotting what's visible and empirical; the nots of these businesses.
^Comes off as banter, doesn't contribute to the storyline at hand.
Impeccable words dilute the truth which absurd to most,
^Cool. Comma needed after 'which'
Sure we chose but the decisional hope was made from the others throat.
^Nah not feeling.
Now that they're choking we pay the broken consequences,
Maybe if they came to there senses and stop swinging for the fences-
Then maybe.... Just maybe they'd open their eyes to such recklessness.
^Makes me say 'okay' but doesn't entertain me or provide me with the generous amount of food for thought I am craving.

Keep working with your style but take your time with it. Don't rush, and stop referring to emotions - display them by fleshing out your characters and most of all, make sense. Even if you are writing in a surrealist manner, the reader deserves the illusion that you are reporting truths to their mind's eye. I hope anything helps. Keep elevating.

Spoken · 08-17-2013, 07:15 PM

I honestly appreciate the looks and te feedback and I am preparing right now with those said improvements to be said.... Going to apply it to the week 5 of writers league

Eŋg · 08-21-2013, 08:09 PM

contrary to what seems to be popular (and might i add mystifying) belief i think you're genuinely an incredibly terrible writer and your whole approach from a creative, (meta)physical, spiritual and mental aspect on how to construct a verse almost depresses me. ALMOST. but i am too stoic. when the mood strikes me. i hope you write something i can read and not cringe at. i don't really. i don't care. nor should do. tehnetz bro. have a nice life.

08-15-2013, 03:24 AM	#1
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860410	Inadequate The hands of the clock strike and light shuns from the dark, Speaking withered; in fright, crows feast it's way to your heart. Molded emotions, golden age motion for purpose, Searching with scars open but hands hopeless and worthless. Perfect! ... Now my attention for such direction, consorting the train of thought, Nervously flips with intention; A misconception; the plot. . . . "Alone Again" But only for the time being, seeing as the sun will rise, Consortium bandits cleaning bodies from the inside. Showing truth through such angles, leveling thought, Creation of what is sought to be a mistake that was brought. Mumbling names a few months ago now she's screaming, Glum with dreams and blaming her actions on demons. "Unfortunate Accident" In minutes, after seconds, that light shunned is now capped, While we slack to clear the trap she cracks; reacts with a snap. An instant too Late, as the once blue clouds, remain black, Prayer from within is lacked to retract lucifers hand in this act. A grimace with poise grins as the noise shrouds aloud, An alabaster, though beautiful isn't allowed to float with a crowd. Instead of clouding emotions the ocean flows through the pupils, Be what you choose to but make sure the squeeze is more fruitful. Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. When that same hand of time struck difference around, My heart beat paced a pound for pound eutrophic surround. Jotting my visual with imperial clots contorting so serious, Knotting what's visible and empirical; the nots of these businesses. Impeccable words dilute the truth which absurd to most, Sure we chose but the decisional hope was made from the others throat. Now that they're choking we pay the broken consequences, Maybe if they came to there senses and stop swinging for the fences- Then maybe.... Just maybe they'd open their eyes to such recklessness. Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. "Trudy at 14 had an abortion but said she never chose such event to have happened and sued the hospital for proceedings, when opted and I quote "SHE didn't want to at first". __________________ WP Po'ethics

08-15-2013, 06:20 AM	#2
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860410	anyone?!... __________________ WP Po'ethics

08-15-2013, 06:30 AM	#3
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860410	yeah i am actually reading that in my other tab right now... gonna really give a feedback on those two thanks @Certain Serpent __________________ WP Po'ethics

08-16-2013, 04:32 AM	#4
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	So, when I noticed the font was Arial like DeathLion's on his two old verses, I wondered whether this was an old verse or something. I looked it up, and sure enough this is two years old from RapBattles. I don't really know what you expect to get from feedback on a two-year-old verse. Anyway, I'll give you a little bit of feed with that perspective in mind. This verse wouldn't have worked without the closing line, which wasn't rhymed. That's not good. I've already told you that being more direct could be a big boon for you, and this verse illustrates why. With the final line snapped into place, your word choices do make more sense and the story improves. But I read these verses closer than probably just about anyone on these boards, and I didn't realize this was about abortion until that final line, which again, wasn't rapped. There's a value in being subtle, but storytelling generally works better when you tell the story. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-17-2013, 07:15 PM	#6
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860410	I honestly appreciate the looks and te feedback and I am preparing right now with those said improvements to be said.... Going to apply it to the week 5 of writers league __________________ WP Po'ethics

08-17-2013, 03:17 PM	#5
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	@Storyteller, in general you have all the ingredients to being a future behemoth. You also lack key disciplines, specifically in your diction. Brittle mechanics and wording that leaves something to be desired doesn't help your verses make a substantial impact. I'm going to see if I can offer you anything quality & constructive in the form of feedback. The hands of the clock strike and light shuns from the dark, ^shuns from the dark doesn't really make sense. Shunned by the dark would. Speaking withered; in fright, crows feast it's way to your heart. *^Forced. Withered speaking tends to frighten as crows lunge at a functional heart is my suggestion Molded emotions, golden age motion for purpose, ^Whenever writers mention emotions in a verse it is like an unnecessary disclaimer. If there are characters involved, show us their emotions, i.e. like you did in the previous line 'fright' - show, don't tell. This line was deadweight. Searching with scars open but hands hopeless and worthless. ^Good rhyme but weak connection @ 'searching with scars' - searching FOR visible scars might make more sense. Perfect! ... Now my attention for such direction, consorting the train of thought, ^consorting is not the right word. Assemblage in my train of thought, maybe. Nervously flips with intention; A misconception; the plot. ^Ok. "Alone Again" ^This is useless. But only for the time being, seeing as the sun will rise, Consortium bandits cleaning bodies from the inside. ^grammar in the second line is off but I like the image evoked. I doubt you will capitalize on it though. Showing truth through such angles, leveling thought, Creation of what is sought to be a mistake that was brought. ^Way too general and monotonous. The rhymes should be more magnetic too. For me personally, I try to make the reader look forward to seeing what I rhyme with. Mumbling names a few months ago now she's screaming, Glum with dreams and blaming her actions on demons. ^Same as the above line, this is too 'regular' sounding, like anyone can write it. Put an original spin on your creations and you will be rewarded. "Unfortunate Accident" In minutes, after seconds, that light shunned is now capped, ^Smh. Is it minutes or seconds? Decide lol. And stop rushing your wording. Use correct English: that light that was shunned is now capped While we slack to clear the trap she cracks; reacts with a snap. ^Best line of the verse so far. An instant too Late, as the once blue clouds, remain black, Prayer from within is lacked to retract lucifers hand in this act. ^'is lacked' doesn't make sense. Lucifer's hand retraction is a good concept. A grimace with poise grins as the noise shrouds aloud, ^shrouds aloud is very forced. An alabaster, though beautiful isn't allowed to float with a crowd. What do you mean by an alabaster? This is weak. Instead of clouding emotions the ocean flows through the pupils, ^The remark I made about emotions still stands. You don't need to state there are emotions. Prove there are emotions and as the reader I will respect the circumstances without question. Be what you choose to but make sure the squeeze is more fruitful. ^don't need the word 'more' here but it's optional I guess. I liked this line. When that same hand of time struck difference around, My heart beat paced a pound for pound eutrophic surround. ^Not feeling. Jotting my visual with imperial clots contorting so serious, Knotting what's visible and empirical; the nots of these businesses. ^Comes off as banter, doesn't contribute to the storyline at hand. Impeccable words dilute the truth which absurd to most, ^Cool. Comma needed after 'which' Sure we chose but the decisional hope was made from the others throat. ^Nah not feeling. Now that they're choking we pay the broken consequences, Maybe if they came to there senses and stop swinging for the fences- Then maybe.... Just maybe they'd open their eyes to such recklessness. ^Makes me say 'okay' but doesn't entertain me or provide me with the generous amount of food for thought I am craving.** Keep working with your style but take your time with it. Don't rush, and stop referring to emotions - display them by fleshing out your characters and most of all, make sense. Even if you are writing in a surrealist manner, the reader deserves the illusion that you are reporting truths to their mind's eye. I hope anything helps. Keep elevating.

08-21-2013, 08:09 PM	#7
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,146 Rep Power: 0	contrary to what seems to be popular (and might i add mystifying) belief i think you're genuinely an incredibly terrible writer and your whole approach from a creative, (meta)physical, spiritual and mental aspect on how to construct a verse almost depresses me. ALMOST. but i am too stoic. when the mood strikes me. i hope you write something i can read and not cringe at. i don't really. i don't care. nor should do. tehnetz bro. have a nice life.