Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Netcees - Leagues & Tournaments > Netcees Writers League: Season 1 > Archives

User Tag List

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-09-2018, 10:09 PM   #1
Innovator
Administrator
 
Innovator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 8,698
Battle Record: 16-36


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August

Rep Power: 85899382
Innovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond reputeInnovator has a reputation beyond repute
Default Artifice vs Master rock[ART WINS]

NWL:Season I: Week VI



Verses ares due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.



TOPIC:

“Through the eyes of a soldier”

@Artifice @Master Rock

Last edited by Innovator; 11-27-2018 at 10:14 PM.
Innovator is offline  
Old 11-10-2018, 02:42 PM   #2
Master Rock
Steadily Lurking
 
Master Rock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond your reach
Posts: 217




Rep Power: 3429520
Master Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant future
Default

Check.
Master Rock is offline  
Old 11-11-2018, 08:35 PM   #3
Artifice
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 166
Battle Record: 14-5


Champed
- Art Of Writing League

Rep Power: 3944930
Artifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant futureArtifice has a brilliant future
Default

at first it was great to see him come back from the war
but he'd changed, now different than how he'd acted before
saw action in Iraq so traumatic it rattled his core
and while that battle was won from it a new battle was born
weeks of sleepless nights, his every dream's a fight
so he keeps a piece within reach it seems no peace in sight
hears the screams of tykes in such a scene of strife
so much life murdered by machines manned with a demon's might
his therapist unprepared for the terror with which
he was burdened for what he was bearin' carried a twist
the wrong co-ordinates were ordered, scary as shit
he barely lived but leveled a village full of parents and kids
imprisoned with guilt, he has himself caught
watches his self rot trapped inside this mental cell block
looks forward to death for it's when his hell stops
for this unlucky soldier with a life sentenced to shell shock

Last edited by Artifice; 11-15-2018 at 09:30 PM. Reason: edited verse in
Artifice is offline  
Old 11-16-2018, 09:56 PM   #4
Master Rock
Steadily Lurking
 
Master Rock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond your reach
Posts: 217




Rep Power: 3429520
Master Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant futureMaster Rock has a brilliant future
Default

Tears in the middle of the night
telling myself I'm alright
I'm really not my bloods hot
left and right bodies drop
I feel I been shot down
echoes of gunshot sounds
bloods on the ground
I'm lost waiting to be found
helicopters above my head
burning flesh I smell lead
bullets inches from my head
tormented from the darkness that continues to spread
my life flashes before my eyes while enveloped in the blood shed
mist in the atmosphere has me tasting what my brothers have bled
but yet in the moment I hear their cries fallen soldiers with the reaper they plead
the madness has me hearing whispering of the talking dead
fear for the path that lies ahead
My blood boils rage has me saturated in red
The wars not over it hard to keep my head shoulders
tick tock every second that passes I grow a little bit colder
I'm fighting against fears, fighting against my tears
I'm fighting against my god given years
I take a breath Feel the tightening of the chest this life consumed me with the stress encompassed with death
why do I seem to be the only one left doomed the opposition of blessed
twitching limbs intestines bout to burst from the pressure within
clenching my fist before I die conversing with God confessing my sins
wheres does the rest begin I spin out of control shots fired I'm leaving holes
exterminate all the pain forever will tear through in my soul
a pledge to the polls government tolls
its based on control
deceit Desertion and lies
I need to survive
yet I'm stuck telling this story through a soldiers eyes

Last edited by Master Rock; 11-17-2018 at 08:59 PM. Reason: Wording
Master Rock is offline  
Old 11-18-2018, 02:07 AM   #5
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,609
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 8603692
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default

Art - I enjoyed this though I felt there were a couple wording issues in terms of flow only, not really grammatical. I assume this was a drone strike, and if so, I wish you had relayed that fact in some way. There's power in exploring a few meaningful details in depth. All in all though, you still have a knack for telling a full story in few words. I'm used to you tugging on the heart strings a bit more, and I think if you chose to take your time and flesh this one out it could be much better, regardless of the oft used concept, your style shined above the errors. Good shit as always bruhv.


Rock - E-Rek from Bboys/PR I assume, glad your around still putting in work. But if it is you, WTF you leave san diego for chicago...That's going backward guy. Moving on....Fitting topic given ur background. While I enjoyed this verse, it felt lacking at points. The dream sequence where you quickly touched on the echoes and thoughts that haunt the soldier, that could've been a powerful tool utitlized in this verse, but you barely glanced over it.


Good battle, given topic such a commoners topic I think you both did well with, I mean it's hard to write something new let alone with a soldier topic. With that said, I wish you both had a fresher angle, though, as I said, I enjoyed each read. However, there is a clear winner in my eyes. One verse was more direct and the better inners and overall flow in my eyes.


v/ Artifice

close bout, but he had the stronger hand IMO
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR
Adonis is offline  
Old 11-19-2018, 05:09 PM   #6
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,064
Battle Record: 8-8


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328527
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

I think you guys got stuck with a shitty topic.

Not a huge fan of the whole soldier / war aspect of topicals. Seen them quite a bit, and probably once someone had a fresh take on it.

I didn't really like the second verse. Seemed kind of basic, and I was waiting to get pulled in but never did. Also, it was longer than 30 lines. I definitely noticed once I went through so many lines and still didn't have a, 'ahh that was pretty cool moment.

Artifice's verse was okay. The technicality behind it made it worth it. Rhyme scheme was cool. A few internals were oddly worded, kind of threw the flow off in certain places. Besides that, overall, it was just a more solid verse.

Wish you guys had a better topic, but for now,

vArtifice

PS: How dare you say Chicago is moving backwards.
Razah is offline  
Old 11-26-2018, 11:01 AM   #7
asylum
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 974
Battle Record: 7-5



Rep Power: 8214193
asylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant futureasylum has a brilliant future
Default

artifice, you were goin pretty strong but halfway thru that flow seemed interrupted and I wsn't sure what to make of it. I don't think u reworked this too much, but for what it's worth there was some emotion there and your story is well rounded. gj on the rhyme emphasis near the end, it was relatively powerful.

master rock - idk dude you were kinda just throwing shit against the wall and waitin for it to stick like.. "I smell lead" in that line could have used some build up.. just throwing shit out there don't work you gotta build up rhyme schemes and create patterns within your work or reading it is like biting into a dry ass turkey sandwich with no water.

art got this battle for a more well rounded piece, but it could have gone either way had they ironed out some kinks. good show for the topic provided.
asylum is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:48 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+