DL Round 2-PLAYOFF (Objective vs Universe) - Universe Wins

[Cereal]

@Objective
@Universe

topic:



Line Limit - Max. 60 lines Min. 20 lines.

Battles will be up Tuesday, August 24th and due Friday, August 27th at 11:59pm EST.

Voting will take place between Saturday, August 28th - Sunday August 29th at 11:59pm EST

[Objective]

In. The bb-code (more specifically the url) doesn't show. Going to need/request a 24h extension due to time difference unless it's up within a timely manner (i.e: not late AM for me)

Also down to extend to 100 lines max if you're ok with it and Universe agrees.

[Universe]

100 lines. Good luck man.

Check.

[Objective]

Gonna ask for that EXT afterall. Got the vaccine yesterday and had some side effects yesterday and today

[Universe]

Bear Witness

“In a world where everyone seems to be larger and louder than yourself, it is very comforting to have a small, quiet companion.” ― Peter Gray

......

In order to pick up where I left off I have to pretend you're my type
And leverage my price; Things go off without a hitch whenever I hike
Used to feeling empty inside... Take it from me I'm stuffed for a purpose
Either I'm under a streetlight or an alien beam's abducting my person
What's that infer? I hate my brown hair but it's better than yellow
As long as I'm your main squeeze muscles will never develop
Brand new yet generic, like highways and truck stops in a tandem
When dropped off at random I always find myself lost and abandoned
It's like some competition - The man that has the money will win
I'm coming to grips with the fact I'm here to be comforting him
Wondering when the hugs will begin... I yearn to be growing thick skin
But to know where I'm going you first have to know where I've bin...
Out of nowhere they discount me - My hopes filled up one cart
But life's a drag... got me looking like roadkill with scuff marks
Counterparts endure a cell so they can take a battery charge
Was once courted for having a backbone, then they had me disbarred
Known to be gifted with art... I'm not concerned if I'm discarded
Pre-fur electronics but never been popular in that department
I'm always beside myself or underneath new clowns with smiles
Regardless, I'm proud that I'll be the one to lead you down the aisle
A sense of security for you homo... ners... I'm a compacted little spy
Capturing my mind while on cloud nine, you're the Apple of my eye
But limit my use to specific age groups, lest red flags will be raised
Don't want me to make quick statements? Quit yanking my chain
Could be your favorite cub for weeks or placed in cupboards come sleep
Customers be bursting at the seams to label me another fluff piece
No bringing up my upbringing; These people never learn it seems
Heard some give better service cheap but nothing registers with me
Many believe wearing a heart on my sleeve meant I loved them
Should we address the subject or are you just here to press my buttons?
Let fools rush in - I'm not something they withstood by themselves
I've watched so many that look just like me get put on the shelf
Someone's always stocking me... I knew quite well it's entrapment
Glancing towards a companion who lived two doors down from my last crib
Course he sucked me in plastic... I'm another bar code in the rack
Salt of the earth, insulting in terms of sugarcoating what's wrapped
Stuck in a holding pattern... When I'm quickly grabbed I react
I'll double strap the backpack, but as an accessory after the fact...
Dreams are crushed like beer cans found on my lonely lit path
That walking stick's got me limp... Yeah, don't even ask...
Something's holding me back... Hesitation's the devil's playpen
Violet headlights break this heavy grey mist like a revelation
Beggar pulled up on the shoulder, teeth clenched like a zipper locked
Got two black eyes, I'm stil surprised at what this shoplifter dropped
He gripped my arm, pulled me in the backseat trying to rip me off
Thoughts fully fleshed out, yet this grizzly John still gives me pause...
It makes me withdraw like a cartoon; I naturally just leaned away
Tried to get him off when he touched me, hands groping between my legs
These close knit spaces are a product of what they build cheap
Wants to poke and prod but I know he'd stop if I was the REAL me
Got his release and powered off - No unplugging right from the socket
That's approximately when he pulled a bloody hunting knife from his pocket
So far removed I'm swollen tonsils; Assembly's required not advertised
He placed his palm on my thin thigh and said, "I want this inside..."
I'm hanging on for dear life, no wonder I'm sold by the buck
Hole in my gut, I'll open right up just to sew myself shut
In stitches at this jokers disgust, this is why I avoid props
But choice stopped when he grabbed my throat and ripped out my voice box
Bet this pet a file charges... They hate when defiled youth talks
The window to my soul got exposed thanks to childproof locks
For every level headed adult there's a baby found in the basement
Breaking new ground is infantile once you lay the foundation...
But they twist my arm, indian sunburn; I feel sticky and absurd
Watched as he peeled off in the dirt after he kicked me to the curb
The ending few deserve... But I'm the presence that you need
Human beings carry a burden that's light as a feather to me
I'm a toy with their emotions; People's demons are forever asleep
But I'm not the teddy bear, creeps... I'm just pretending to be...
Started in kindergarten; I'm akin to guardin' the fruit of my looms
It's how I disassociate myself from this never ending loop of abuse
The next four or five months flew by - I found myself in a special room
With a woman; I haven't been this down and out since I left the womb
To tell the truth I'm a shell of youth - I'm mostly just feeling nothing
The lady in front of me said, "Taking the high road will endear the public"
Brought up memories of my mother; I heard "Don't get near the subject"
If she's getting through it's so mending bridges won't appear destructive
I'm soaring clear above it; I hate to follow their weird instructions
Hypnotherapy brings those scary dreams of a homeless beard that's crusted
"Those that steered the trucks..." Fuck. Was hoping the broken mirror stayed subtle
"Using the bear..." she muttered, "can you show me where they touched you?"
I felt fear just bubble to the surface; Sometimes confessions dry tears
I looked down at my best friend, touched his chest and said "right here"
Maybe I didn't understand the question... With my bear in mind I snap in focus
"Let's stay on topic..." she said; I was embarrassed I hadn't noticed...
Peel back the layers, I'm factory sealed - They're always cutting corners
If I grow up to tell some stories I hope people will love me for it
Those who hate I'll respond with scorn; I only learned to walk to crawl
No emotions harnessed; Once over the barrier you can't stop the fall
Heard "Victim impact", "slipped through cracks" and "capture all involved"
Not everyone is accounted for, there's still remnants of odd withdrawals
No extensions or strings attached when puppetmaster's drop the doll
The doctor absolved me saying, "Your troubled past is not your fault"
I start to bawl... But brainwashing uses soap that won't dissolve
I take notice of quotes by someone named Ulrich posted on the wall
Rock n' roll and hardcore cinema, the gateway drugs that brought me snuff
My porn addiction deformed me quicker than the Black Dahlia
Slashed my body up; I need to find an option that's beyond the stars
"Can you tell me your name?"The doctor asked... Then it all went dark
I want to be so many people... but I had to choose a calling card
So I respond, "I guess for now..."

"... you can call me Lars."

What a trip.

[Objective]

[Tammy Dreuer, Jacob's (8) mother, is 38 years old, unemployed and lonely. Wanted a divorce 3 years ago due to Mark's business trips that could last up a couple months at a time. A fact she never brought up with her husband.
Marcus “Mark” Dreuer, is 39 and Jacob's father. With a PHD in engineering his work mostly consist of setting up hardware, database systems and developing advanced architecture designs for national and international companies.

Mark married Tammy after high school. To him life is seemingly good. Behind his back Tammy has cheated on him with Robert “Pain” Hammer. Robert is a war veteran dishonorably discharged from Afghanistan two years ago. He was involved with spec ops missions and classified work in Iraq and Afghanistan. The past year he has routinely visited, and stayed, at their house while Mark has been gone for work. She couldn’t pass up her high school crush despite his reckless reputation and rumours of assault charges on his younger brother. To Tammy, all of that was hearsay, teenage gossip and childish rumours.]

Tick… Tock…

Like clockwork Tammy cheated on her spouse.
Too scared of leaving, she needed their house.
Lil’ Jacob kept secrets when beated by this jerk,
"sucks daddy ain’t around while traveling for work."

Tick…

“Don’t tell your dad, you don’t want to see him crying and hurt. Do you, Jacob? And who knows, something might happen to him, you or your mom... If you do ;)”

Tock…

Mark ain’t stupid, or lucid when bruises confuse him,
his son is his life; any MAN’s light, rhythm and music.
Despite business as usual he was sort of a handyman,
yet a master in tech all he needed was a nannycam.
Kept it hush from his wife and set it up as a gift in his room,
and could connect to this device even if he was at the moon.

Tick…

“Bye, hun! I’ll be back in 3 weeks!”, says Mark,
and gave her a kiss void of any hints of a spark.

Tock…

2 days later on a Friday only 3 hours away,
Mark turned on his computer, pressed enter & play.
The files on the cloud saved through the eye of a toy
made him fiend for revenge for himself and his boy.
Not only did they fuck on his bed while going to school,
but laughed on display and played Mark off as a tool.
Yet,
that wasn’t the worst he saw in that room,
when night came around… Mark couldn’t watch through.
If he did he'd see the recording had stopped,
instead he gathered his stuff and reloaded his glock.
He tried calling his wife and left several voicemails,
contacting police? Not before he got through that doorway!
He had given his son a phone to hide: “Please! Call me in need!”,
but Jacob was afraid, and thought: “He could use it to me”.
And that’s exactly what happened, Mark called in urgency,
whispered their plan in terms of an emergency.

Tick…

Jacob crawled from under his bed,
got his stuff and snuck out through the window.
Got on the roof of the shed,
then to the direction the wind blow.
Picked up a stick, then walked next to the street
along with his bag, teddy, gums and some sweets.
The atmosphere in him greets an eerie and damp ghost
on the spot next to some leaves, under the lamp post.



The engine roars in the distance, tires are screeching.
His striped tee and shorts vibrates to the heart that is beating.
Yet hope is steadily building cus his father is home!
He’ll make the pain go away and Jacob won’t be alone.

As Mark opens the car door and Jacob gets in,
he grabs the teddy to secure the evidence that’s within.
Mark gives his son a hug and a snack,
when he pull down its zipper he finds a note:

“Pain is a bomb defuser in Iraq,
and I never looked back!”

Tock…

* … BoOOOMmm … *

[Soule]

Universe, was about to say this has a very Lars vibe to it and then the ending hit and I was like well... there it is... The flow in this piece is fire, especially when it gets intense and a lot is going on. Pretty gnarly take on the topic. Violated child pretending to be the teddy bear to push out the damage that was done and then getting addicted to the pain in the end as an adult. Happens to people pretty much every day and it's terrible. A lot more creative than whatever concept I probably would've came up with so kudos on being original. I didn't really see anything wrong with this piece to be honest. Maybe the "suck in the plastic" line was a bit odd to me but that's honestly just nitpicking. Great job.

Objective, conceptually, this had a ton of potential from start to finish, and while I enjoy the idea and the ending I feel like the piece felt a bit rushed. Considering how long Universe's piece was, you def could've took your time and wrote A LOT more to really bring this story out. With how short it is and how quick it ended, the backgrounds you gave the characters before the piece started kinda fell short and didn't do much other than the one guy being a crazy vet who put a bomb in the kid's bag and the wife being a whore. Piece could've really been something but I think you hurt yourself by not making it long and adding more detail to support the story.

Overall this was a pretty good battle but I feel like Universe REALLY wanted to kill someone while Objective had a promising storyline that just wasn't fully executed.

Vote Universe.


Edit: just seen the category shit. Sigh. Here.


Creativity-- Universe. Might've been closer to a tie here if Objective dropped a longer, more detailed piece but as is Universe dropped one of the most original pieces I've read in a bit.

Entertainment-- Universe. Pretty the concept and the flow this was an absolute banger to read. Objective's flow and pacing was a bit skittish.

Flow-- Universe by quite a margin. Loved the flow in his piece.

Rhyme Scheme-- Universe, it was better paced and consistent pretty much from start to finish.

Consistency/Topic-- Honestly. I guess I'd give this a tie. Universe def used a lot more detail and you could basically see the picture in at least one scene mean while I could imagine a teddy bear in Jacob's bag right before the bomb went off.

Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- Universe

Emotion-- Objective could've tied this up had her committed entirely to his piece but the pain of a sexually abused child becoming addicted to his pain is a nightmare to feel.

Imagery-- Universe, though again, would've been a tie if Objective really showed up.

[Cereal]

Creativity-- objective 3/5 "The atmosphere in him greets an eerie and damp ghost
on the spot next to some leaves, under the lamp post."

all in all it is a pretty flushed out story of a world at war, but the capture of the child character is what does it..

Entertainment-- objective 4/5 "Picked up a stick, then walked next to the street
along with his bag, teddy, gums and some sweets."

i loved the word gums followed with sweets it just pops, pretty entertaining.. just the characters inner termoil is what does it..

Flow-- objective - 3/5 "Like clockwork Tammy cheated on her spouse.
Too scared of leaving, she needed their house."

it was tight from out the gate /cheating/leaving - house spouse - with short lines in general..

Rhyme Scheme-- objective - 3/5 "Tick…

“Bye, hun! I’ll be back in 3 weeks!”, says Mark,
and gave her a kiss void of any hints of a spark.

Tock…"

broken and all, it really showed some creativity and shone in this category..

Consistency/Topic-- obective - 4/5 "he grabs the teddy to secure the evidence that’s within."

dont get me wrong universe was a 4/5 on topic and it was a hard call both dropped hot..

Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- objective - 3/5 "The engine roars in the distance, tires are screeching.
His striped tee and shorts vibrates"

his structure was just that lil bit tighter this battle was much closer then i am making it seem..

Emotion-- universe - 2/5 "Counterparts endure a cell so they can take a battery charge
Was once courted for having a backbone, then they had me disbarred"

i think this both artists might have swung in a 3/5 but yeh just snuck this one in with the internal you really swung hard this is nice having a backbone before the disbarred drop was cool, you had alot of these lil didies

Imagery-- objective - 3/5 "Got on the roof of the shed,
then to the direction the wind blow."

solid direction is where these images were put, very cool..


vote = objective

very close battle i loved the lars drop it came down to rhyme structure and how tight the imagery was, one just hit harder then another.. gl guys

[Master Rock]

Wow...all I got to say is...both brothers did their thing. Objective, I didn't know you had storytelling down...Great job bro. Universe's verse started a little rocky and caught major traction towards the middle and answered my thoughts in question and kept the steam throughout (I thoroughly enjoyed the psyche of the abused perspective, not in a sadistic way, but I a putting yourself in someone's shoes type of way). I also love where Objective took this story, I love the contrast, and this is what I have been wanting to see out of Objective and he is clearly showcasing his ability to really zone in. But for some reason, I didn't think I really needed all of that background story before the verse simply because I felt like I took away from the flow but after that, it was smooth sailing. Bothy gents did great in my opinion, well written and flow is on point. However, I am going to have to give it to Universe due to the psychological aspect of the story and disassociative aspects along with the disturbing feeling of the emotion of being a victim as well as the ending surprise.