DL round 1 (Objective vs Candy)- Objective Wins

[Cereal]

@Objective

objective topic:


candy topic:


Line Limit - Max. 100 lines Min. 20 lines.

Battles will be up Thursday, August 12th and due Monday, August 16th at 11:59pm EST.

Voting will take place between Tuesday, August 17th - Wednesday August 18th at 11:59pm EST.

[Cereal]

colour blind
..

if I was to tell you,
even if it was softly my life..
the depth is of much dirt your eye's would welter just like
a flower on fire in your iris's so vibrant
the in's and out's of lies so criminal they fight for silence
when you look up, the incline denies kneeling for marriage
each line literally savage contorted in virgin damaged
whites so pearl the ivory of shade shivers by the lipstick
and thats where it starts..
one kiss at a time found twisted..

Dear Romeo,
graffitied in a mural of true love lost
Maybe you will notice or maybe you will miss by the cost
I rode bare horseback, saddled with my pure flesh bitter
My sister in love with you,.. as I stutter the brush of litter
scratching out the message..... no person needs to read thoughts
of a falling girl too short to be sure of her words worth...
I,i..i until next time

Dear Juliet,
protested symbols far from art I drape
the sky is the limit of the lesser blood line I rape
by directing a step towards you in what feelings are
my family shunned the sun shine that exposed all that is fare
My, mine these messages as broken as its initial I still sign
looked at by busted ears so bonkers its witch craft to some/shy
I can't lie, I can't sleep - you are running in my mind
the reach of what I brush, brazen beyond your final cries
..I hope you read..
before it dies, by meek rised inside sight..
tragic/.. the static that frays from the bristles tight unwind
our baby born in purgatory.. perched in a parch
soo dry - hells path of foreign tongues selling as disguised larks..
Lapping around what I swipe, I think I missed your last sigh...
nnn..oooo I am out of time

....
..

Dear Whom who turned our world into rubbish,
..
There will be
no saving your soul's, no hole deep enough for decree
no degree of shame to rebutal the public minds you tainted
with your private painting, ignoring the children answered
to you, to you two..
like gods in an ungoverned tale of two
Proud of your negligence of our rights through and through
When we are your neighbours, your saviours and knew of news..
this is garbage of what a story is..
thus yours ends here true..
nothing.. we splash by the bucket on the prints ignorant of the mass
No remember or notice - you poetic lover trash..

we have spoken "THE PEOPLE"

....a child...
just one child (crawls then walks)
..through the story nevermore

searching - for its parents born from love - true love sure
and it flies..

and no one believes - so it dies..
writen in blood/paint coloured reality then dried

one foot print remains dragging the life that could have been
it reads..

(this is your space to fill in the blank)

[Objective]

I do



Gripped between his fingertips
the stick of which each breeze'll tip
that carries' source of troubled minds,
it balance ropes 'till fibers grind.

Distorted, morbid, horrid, tortured
self inflicted causes lost for mental signs
will forge a war to seek and tweak
its weak physique until they follow blind.
So,
cut your losses
or such crimes will force its way to orbit.
Unless you're careful,
actions not so fearful,
when you swear you'll
be looking for it.

Thus,
if he slips
the tiny fibre rope will twitch
to free his hopes and dreams.
And fall into the void of Freud
with fabrics' torned up seams.
He holds on with a bold control
and clues of ways to cope;
on this tiny fibre rope
where he balance off his soul.
Indeed!
His soul is sold.
He's vacant with its distance.
And too destroyed but still discreet
(see the cautious moves of feet)
with right to left indifference.
Such a life (or lie) is seldom sweet-
the why's so high he welcomes it.
On this tiny fibre rope
above the quiet street.

His drive to be the guy to strive
(an attention seeking sentient being)
makes him feel adored, alive.
Do you think that he'll survive?
Place your bets and wage your wits,
it's do or die! Don't feel so bad,
he's dressed for this-
Tailored suit and shoes to boot, too,
plus a black top hat - astute & useful -
It soaks the sweat and cloaks his dread
of floating death with no regret.
The truth is set:
he's more so dead.
But heart keeps bumping,
thumping, stunting logic,
so, it got to be for something...

Halfway there!
His talent focused now
above the silent peers' dishonest "wow's";
a modern trope.
The preface of magnus opus' love
did not plan the flock of doves.
They're aiming at him, flailing, scattering,
up, below, around the silver lining
still defining a tiny fibre rope.

Shock and noise start roaring,
soaring through the sky
of faded grey and teal.
Each star a wasted will
to make him see the lie.
He balanced well until he fell...
What a way to say goodbye

off this tiny fibre rope.

And thus his marriage started so obtuse
with a woman hooked on cruel abuse.
He stooped to "used" with broken pride,
she made it known with glee:

he's dead inside
for the world
to see

[Cereal]

votes:
1: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=149326
2: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=149379
3: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=149365

[Master Rock]

Vote: Candy

[Universe]

First of all, I don't like how the topic pictures aren't the same size. This is a subtle advantage for Cereal, believe it or not. You'd be surprised how people's minds work... Also, the level of difference of detail between both pictures is staggering. I've seen Objective's topic before in terms of similar ones like it. It's nothing special. Cereal's is unique and literally dripping with possibilites... I don't like what I'm seeing from the get go...* Anyway, before I got started I just wanted to point that out.

Cereal:

This is pretty good my man. A clever take switching between the 'letters' and the narrator changes. A strong message with some nicely crafted lines... for you. This, again, raises concerns for me... I think you handpicked this topic out and got a headstart... I'm just calling it like I see it. You can tell me to fuck off if you want if I'm wrong... Don't think I am though.

Whether that's true or not, I did enjoy this. Your regular occurring problem of being unable to properly form a coherent sentence for more than two lines still persists however... This is literally littered in enough grammatical headaches to make ones head spin... yet, when you DID connect, you connected impressively - making me nod my head with surprise. You have a good mind for this, you just have to focus on being more fluid and understandable. Also, work on your set up lines... they don't always have to be the obvious choice, which when reading them marks them as clear set up lines... They can actually help with the story. Use them, they shouldn't be throwaways.

Highlights:

"whites so pearl the ivory of shade shivers by the lipstick
and thats where it starts..
one kiss at a time found twisted.."

- Coherent!

"like gods in an ungoverned tale of two
Proud of your negligence of our rights through and through
When we are your neighbours, your saviours and knew of news..
this is garbage of what a story is.."

- I enjoyed this part. No real misses here.

You put a lot of effort into this piece and it shows... but some red flags are raised for me here. Still, this was one of the stronger pieces I've seen from you. Well done.


Objective:

I wasn't digging the beginning of this to be honest. Kind of felt basic to me my dude... But once you reached "Thus... if he slips" it really picked up. Here's where your imagery starts to take shape - your message to the reader. Your momentum. You're a momentum writer, once you get it, you have it and rarely let go. The second and third stanza's really hooked me. Loved the descriptions of the tight rope and of the city below,.the crowds, the fall from grace etc.

I love how you marked the halfway point too... Like he's halfway across the rope and you're halfway done your verse. Loved that. You're living it. You're right there with him and taking us along for the ride.

The ending was a punch in the gut - the "dead inside for the world to see" line really hit home for me. That whole concept is fucking brilliant.

Highlights:

"His soul is sold.
He's vacant with its distance.
And too destroyed but still discreet
(see the cautious moves of feet)
with right to left indifference"

- Solid descriptive section here. The use of brackets is something I do as well from time to time and it really accentuates what it is you're trying to describe while doing it in an almost literary whisper.

"His drive to be the guy to strive
(an attention seeking sentient being)
makes him feel adored, alive.
Do you think that he'll survive?
Place your bets and wage your wits,
it's do or die! Don't feel so bad,
he's dressed for this-"

- Same thing here. Nicely done.

"And thus his marriage started so obtuse
with a woman hooked on cruel abuse.
He stooped to "used" with broken pride,
she made it known with glee:

he's dead inside
for the world
to see"

- This may be one of my favorite closing lines I've seen in awhile.

I think Objective was at a disadvantage here but he was able to turn chicken shit into chicken salad fairly masterfully after a slow start. Cereal came strong for him but his lack of maintained coherence was a real black eye on his otherwise colorful piece.

Vote - Objective

[Pharaohs Army]

candy:

this whole thing must be very metaphorical because it's kind of hard to follow.

some parts I'm just at a loss for what they mean. Let me give you an example

before it dies, by meek rised inside sight..

This means nothing to me. It sounds like jibberish. Sorry if there's a meaning there for you but I got nothing.

This is just one example.
Your writing is poetic and has rhymes and in that respect it is good. But you're just so damn ABSTRACT. One week I want to see you go the literal route and put together a story or a linear verse.

Not saying there's nothing to this. There is definitely emotion in this piece from start to finish. It's just not my cup of tea.

Objective:

Seems like I've been complaining a lot but I don't really have any complaints with your piece here.

I enjoyed some of the rhymes like attention-seeking sentient being lol.

But there were a bunch of couplets like that where you had good rhymes.

The story is good, you built momentum and gave suspense for a guy on a tightrope above the street.

The ending is kinda sad, but it is what it is.

This gets my vote here V Objective

Regarding what I said to Candy, it's just a personal preference thing about your abstractness. Maybe out of fairness I'll abstain from voting on your contests from here on out.

[Ouch]

To me I read all this.. Candy...

it was ike y dad who's 72 year olds talking about the bob dylan man in the long black coat