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Old 01-09-2018, 09:46 PM   #1
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Default WEEK V: CHAMP MATCH: Diablo vs Objective[DIABLO WINS 4-2]



Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Diablo vs @Objective

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 01-17-2018 at 03:27 PM.
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Old 01-10-2018, 09:40 AM   #2
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There's Norway you'll win this faggot
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Old 01-11-2018, 06:17 AM   #3
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If a faggot is your ''title belt'' I don't even want it, I was never one for band camp and those sorts of shit anyways.
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


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Old 01-11-2018, 06:50 AM   #4
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The sixties were in swing, and so were the couples
who did the dirty ding-dong-dokie as doubles.
With women showing their supple cleavage off for a reason
as men motioned their muscles so as not to be beaten.
The friends frolicking freely as they finished their food
would wifeswap come the evening with the women they wooed.
Our swingers salubriously toast "To sex!" while undeterred
as once dinners consumed, they'll all get their just desserts.
They gently shut the curtains from the crepuscular night
before tentatively turning their attentions to the tryst.
The men untether ties tossing trails of tweed to the floor
as women set aside satin brassieres with their smalls.
The dearly debauched dally at the hearth of the fire
and concede to their corporeal cries of carnal desire.
Some partners had prior arrangements where to wake and with who
while others marvel admiringly before making their move.
"Hey, are you new here?" smiled someone solemnly behind
saving a smooth and sculpted hand for the bottom of his spine.
The male nodded his reply while uncertain how to hide
how astonished he was by the beauty he turned around to find.
"Perfect!" prowled the pining philanderer, purring positively,
while working down his ironed shirt with consummate ease.
The curvy coquette careens her fingers to the base of his shaft
determined to domineer the dolt and take him to task!
She places her pallid lips at the point of his perineum
tasting the tandoori tunnel then toying to tempt and tease him.
He enjoys it with every easing of the enchantresses tongue
while poising his pleasured penis to climax as he cums.
The stallions stood sticky with sweat, unyielding as she yearns,
but a lavishing lover like him couldn't leave her in the lurch!
Party people of perversion have particular rules played
the relieved must then return the wanton wish of the womb mate.
The libertine looms labouring over her peerless physique
then permits the mature matron to kneel on her knees.
He seizes the squealing satyr as she's shuddering due to
his penis proceeding to penetrate her puckering poopchute.
The paramours pulling his pool cue back and potting the brown
before he cums in the cute cougar as she hollers and howls.
Suddenly they're stopped by a sound both rompanions recognise
"Oh my god!" the astounded announcer stammers with surprise.
The amorous admirers shoot each other their dirtiest look yet
but both back up to be by the person they've upset.
The swingers splurge that "It's just sex!" to diffuse the deed discovered
but the girl in a grump gestures to the guy "...Mark, meet my mother!"

Last edited by Diablo; 01-14-2018 at 10:35 AM.
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Old 01-14-2018, 11:52 AM   #5
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@Objective
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Old 01-14-2018, 10:27 PM   #6
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An Objective birds eye view



The easel stroke of human folks is groping my existential anxiety,
the simple notes of broken people coping shows my hatred for society.
I'm privileged like Beauvoir's diary as my minds fierce and openly clear
while I'm masking oblique fears with fake laughter climbing the stairs
to sit down in these chairs drinking fine liquids, wine, whiskey and beers.
I'm aware to see the social dynamics in peers silently disguising my tears
dreading the thought that these queers hold the memoirs of ''my better years'',
that my observations are met when I'm old with regret to applause and hear, hear's!
That's the cause of what we're dealing with here -
the monster that's gone by tomorrow but often appears:


The old school couple with the dog shows that this image is life in a prism,
halted by schism as her husband to the left battles with alcoholism.
Stuck in the closet with a past dishonesty causes his wife unknowingly grew to respect it,
it's what their minds are in debt with as she's chained to Harley Quinn's method.
Something a certain someone foolishly wish that she had,
(Hint, hint: it's the seemingly dreaming girl with the hat.)
It's her oblivious prison and she's sane in the sense that her world isn't flat,
yet she's scoping the group to the right at the dude standing uptight demanding his light.
Solitude is his might so he construes an illusion to collude and flirts with a skank,
it's crazy in sight as this slut's burden with fright takes emotions of hurt to the bank
making sure it isn't heard or seen by her knight holding the cig that he wish was a pipe
cus he's sick of his friends doing shit that ain't right, so he'll escape for the night
before it turns to a fight, plus he prefers if the herd only yearned to be white.
He don't mind his girl sending back vibes to the fabulous guy cus he's blocking the view
to the cucks that he knew taking shots at the muse that just lost her own dude
but they think that it's cute so they'll stink up a chute 'till she wish she was mute.
The man with the bowler talks with the dreamer and told her she's an excellent speaker
with evident features despite knowing there ain't a soul to control her bipolar and only the Devil would seek her.
He has to seem eager cus his ex across the table has habits with ether;
They broke up months ago although he hoped she'd grow to a keeper,
but they're victims of love and even the dope-supplier is with her!
That leaves us with the two at the top, the mysterious lot besides everyone knowing their ties with officials and don't get repercussions from tickets,
they're so deep in politics they beat certain critics with deceiving facts that are in it guided by lies and tidbits of missed shit that leaves discussions with crickets.

That's just the surface of misfits, sure I am curbed by this image
concerned with my turn but the burn isn't my issues, it's just that I'm in it
observing and learning my limits curved by the absurd portrayal of sinners
that earned the title of winners idling dinners with ''pros'' Barish speakin' prophets mark as beginners.
The stark contrast of bourgoise caskets entertain the dark values that's honest we perish
to nourish the bargains of fairish bombardments of traits we harvest and cherish.
Please be alarmed by this^ sentence, it scars my bars as I crave some repentance,
if you read it I said it not to harm but I subconsciously relish in the fact you're not far from the entrance.
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


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Old 01-15-2018, 04:49 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diablo View Post
The sixties were in swing, and so were the couples
who did the dirty ding-dong-dokie as doubles.
With women showing their supple cleavage off for a reason
as men motioned their muscles so as not to be beaten.
The friends frolicking freely as they finished their food
would wifeswap come the evening with the women they wooed.
Flow was butter there. Then, not so much. The rest was cool. The ending was funny. Some rhyming came off forced, but most of it was solid. The alliteration sprinkled every now & then was a nice touch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Objective View Post


(Hint, hint: it's the seemingly dreaming girl with the hat.)
It's her oblivious prison and she's sane in the sense that her world isn't flat,[/I]
First couplet in, & it feels weird. Internal rhyming kind of lands in a weird spot & throws the flow off for me. "Flat world" is so relevant right now, that was funny to me. Besides that, I couldn't get into this. It feels like a lot is going on & things aren't tying in together that well. The random rhyme scheme wouldn't let me get into a groove while reading this either.

v"Diablo"
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Old 01-16-2018, 01:19 PM   #8
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Quote:
Diablo
I thought this piece was pretty funny. More for the use of language and the phrasing than the twist at the end. In terms of the language, I was fairly impressed. Some of it didn’t work for me. For example, ‘tryst’ rhymes with ‘list’, so trying to rhyme it (even through assonance rather than pure rhyme) with ‘night’ didn’t work for me and jolted me out of the verse a bit. Similarly I don’t think ‘salubriously’ works in the verse, given that it means to promote health. I’m assuming both of these came about due to your fondness for alliteration. Again, the amount of alliteration you were able to employ shows a great deal of skill. I thought the rhyming was solid, with multis used throughout.
The content was solid and clearly written. I didn’t engage that strongly with the piece though and mostly I think that was because the characters didn’t have much personality (though I understand it is difficult to develop characters in the given line limit). Still though, it was a solid story and well told. Nice work.

Objective
I found the rhyme scheme here to be really interesting. Not really many multis but a whole lot of inner rhyming. And given how long many of the lines were, you could fit in a whole lot of inner rhyming. It reminded me a little of someone rapping with no music so they need to rhyme as frequently as possible to create a kind of a beat for themselves. I thought you used language well and you managed to be very clear with your content despite a multitude of characters and the fact you didn’t use any names, which was quite a feat.
As far as the content gos it was an interesting description of the picture, giving the reader a little backstory on each of the characters and showing their connections to one another. Whether those connections were fleeting and superficial or deeper with more of an impact on their lives. And this description was sandwiched in between two pieces of text, which I interpreted to be from the perspective of someone in that group who views the whole thing with a kind of empty horror. That they are meaningless people doing meaningless things. That their lives have been wasted on the trivial, and he no longer identifies with any of them. That’s what I took from it anyway.

Comparison
I thought in terms of the mechanics of the two pieces, that they were fairly even. Diablo had a more traditional scheme while I found myself also enjoying the flow Objective had put together. So for me, the edge came down to content. I engaged more with Diablo’s story than Objective’s content. While Objective’s piece had a lot of interesting detail, it felt a little static due to the lack of action, at least to me.
Strong battle guys.

Vote - Diablo
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:55 PM   #9
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Quote:
The Devil

Quote:
The sixties were in swing, and so were the couplesfat wife
who did the dirty ding-dong-dokie as doubles.
I don't really get a 60s era vibe from this pic. In my opinion it looks more like the turn of the 20th century. But no biggie. Ding-dong-dokie is weird though. I'm not sure I ever heard the act of sex refered to in that way. It's different for sure. But, yeah, interesting way to begin. It leads me to believe you're about to write about either swingers or some odd orgy held annually near the countryside.

Quote:
With women showing their supple cleavage off for a reason
as men motioned their muscles so as not to be beaten.
The friends frolicking freely as they finished their food
The scheme is nice. You've incoperated alliterations without them reading clunky or heavy-handed. They're seamless. Also, you've maintained strong story progression and content, while still displaying a high level of technical mechanics.

Quote:
would wifeswap come the evening with the women they wooed.
Our swingers salubriously toast "To sex!" while undeterredfat wife
as once dinners consumed, they'll all get their just desserts.
They gently shut the curtains from the crepuscular nightfat wife
before tentatively turning their attentions to the tryst.
Us 'Mercians don't be using those big ol' words like "salubriously" and "crepuscular", but you used them der correctly and made em fit into the flow without being a distraction. So +1 for the vocab and +2 for the technique. However, as smooth as the writing has been, I did have a tiny issue with "as once dinners ...etc". That line reads a little awkwardly to me. It's probably a regional thing. Perhaps I'm just not used to hearing it put thst way? *Shrugs* . Nice section overall though.

Quote:
The men untether ties tossing trails of tweed to the floor
as women set aside satin brassieres with their smalls.
The dearly debauched dally at the hearth of the fire
and concede to their corporeal cries of carnal desire.
Baron, I'm usually a huge fan of your lexicon. It always amazes me how fitting your vocabulary is in relation to whatever subject you chose to explore. However, in this instance it's not gelling together like it usually does. None of the lingo reads like the 1960s era I'm familiar with. Maybe in a UK time capsule it fits, but I can't speak to that. In fact, I'm starting to think that by "the Sixties" you meant to really imply the 1860s, because that seems to make more sense, especially considering the picture.

Quote:
Some partners had prior arrangements where to wake and with who
while others marvel admiringly before making their move.
"Hey, are you new here?" smiled someone solemnly behindfat wife
saving a smooth and sculpted hand for the bottom of his spine.
Visual. Natural. Classic Baron Mynd.

Quote:
The male nodded his reply while uncertain how to hidefat wife
how astonished he was by the beauty he turned around to find.
"Perfect!" prowled the pining philanderer, purring positively,
while working down his ironed shirt with consummate ease.
The curvy coquette careens her fingers to the base of his shaft
determined to domineer the dolt and take him to task!
Maaaaan, what kind of bargin-bin-two-dollars-and-ninety-five-cents-horse-and-Fabio-plastered-on-the-cover-rated-E-for-erotic-content-romance-novels have you been reading, bruh? The congregation would like some answers. lol.

Quote:
She places her pallid lips at the point of his perineum
"Pallid lips"??? What is she a corpse. Also, "pernineum"??? That's kind of pornographic, big dawg. We get it. You're an all immersive writer, but gotdamn, pump your breaks. No need to go ALL the way. lol.

Quote:
tasting the tandoori tunnel
Then toying to tempt and tease him.
Tandoori what??? That's not even like ... a thing. ... or a sexual innuendo. Furthermore, isn't tandoori chicken reddish in color? Thus, are you suggesting she was playing with his bloody anus? Smh. You're on some weird stuff this round, bro. Weird as fuck.

Quote:
He enjoys it with every easing of the enchantresses tonguefat wife
while poising his pleasured penis to climax as he cums.
Nah, don't try'n backpeddle now. The damage has been done. Lol.

Quote:
The stallions stood sticky with sweat, unyielding as she yearns,
but a lavishing lover like him couldn't leave her in the lurch!
Party people of perversion have particular rules playedfat wife
the relieved must then return the wanton wish of the womb mate.
That's incestuous. Technically "womb mate(s)" would be twins.

Quote:
The libertine looms labouring over her peerless physiquefat wife
then permits the mature matron to kneel on her knees.
He seizes the squealing satyr as she's shuddering due to
his penis proceeding to penetrate her puckering poopchute.
This is too much.

Quote:
The paramours pulling his pool cue back and potting the brown
before he cums in the cute cougar as she hollers and howls.
Suddenly they're stopped by a sound both rompanions recognise
"Oh my god!" the astounded announcer stammers with surprise.
The amorous admirers shoot each other their dirtiest look yet
but both back up to be by the person they've upset.
The swingers splurge that "It's just sex!" to diffuse the deed discovered
but the girl in a grump gestures to the guyfat wife"...Mark, meet my mother!"
Ugh, okay.

So, no, just no. Listen, your one of my all-time favorite topical writers, so I have nothin but love for ya, bruh. BUT, this joint wasn't my cup of tea. I'm cool with mature content (sex, drugs, violence, etc), but you went a little too far and I don't think you took your audience into consideration.This was pure erotica. Like the stuff single moms and desperate housewives read. I can't get jiggy with that. You're an excellent writer with superb mechanics and through your work you've shown us countless times the importance of striking a proper balance between sound devices and story-driven content. However, in this instance you may have gone overboard on the former. The imagery was a bit much, the vocab was overcooked and the alliterations were somewhat overbearing, imho. With that said I give you props for your novel-esque writing skills and your never ending ability to sculpt an entire world from a single picture or phrase. As well as for how you are able to constantly strech your imagination to the max. One thing I can sincerely say, is that no two Diablo pieces are ever the same. This was a cinematic verse, for sure, it's just that I didn't particularly care for the plot.

Subjective

Quote:
The easel stroke of human folks is groping my existential anxiety,
the simple notes of broken people coping shows my hatred for society.
I'm privileged like Beauvoir's diary as my minds fierce and openly clear
while I'm masking oblique fears with fake laughter climbing the stairs
to sit down in these chairs drinking fine liquids, wine, whiskey and beers.
I'm aware to see the social dynamics in peers silently disguising my tearsfat wife
dreading the thought that these queers hold the memoirs of ''my better years'',
that my observations are met when I'm old with regret to applause and hear, hear's!
That's the cause of what we're dealing with here -
the monster that's gone by tomorrow but often appears:
The technical mechanics are flawless. The story however, is a little foggy, thus far that is. Uhmmm I get the sense your character is troubled by his social ascension and does not gell well (emotionally) with the pretentious company he keeps, although, on the suface he struggle to keep the front up, emotionally he's drained and his conscience (I suppose) is now beginning to eat away at him due to many years spent in regret. Of what? I'm guessing will soon find out.

Quote:
The old school couple with the dog shows that this image is life in a prism,
halted by schism as her husband to the left battles with alcoholism.
Stuck in the closet with a past dishonesty causes his wife unknowingly grew to respect it,
it's what their minds are in debt with as she's chained to Harley Quinn's method.
The incoperation of a modern-day pop reference seems out of place when you consider that you're literally depicting the illustration. Thus, by doing so it becomes almost expected that you should set your story in the time-period of the picture you're describing. Unless this story is about time travelers or a costume party, but I don't think that it is.

In any case, I now see the aim of your verse is to flesh out what you feel is actually happening in the pic. In my opinion that maybe too direct of an approach given the artwork, which looks relatively boring. But, who knows, you're a pretty creative writer, so we'll see if you can add some life to the dullness.

Quote:
Something a certain someone foolishly wish that she had,
(Hint, hint: it's the seemingly dreaming girl with the hat.)
"Dreamy" would have been a better way to word it. I think that's what you were going for.

Quote:
It's her oblivious prison and she's sane in the sense that her world isn't flat,
Well, that's recent, but more subtly done and humorous than before. I smirked as I read it.

Quote:
yet she's scoping the group to the right at the dude standing uptight demanding his light.
Solitude is his might so he construes an illusion to collude and flirts with a skank,
The wording has taken a dip. There's a lot of rhyming, but the substance is less abundant.

Quote:
it's crazy in sight as this slut's burden with fright takes emotions of hurt to the bank
making sure it isn't heard or seen by her knight holding the cig that he wish was a pipe
The wording was slightly elevated by that last line, which I liked. Bank sticks out though. I wish you would have paired it with an inner of the same rhyme sound.

Quote:
cus he's sick of his friends doing shit that ain't right, so he'll escape for the night
before it turns to a fight, plus he prefers if the herd only yearned to be white.
As oppooooosed tooooo ... beige??? I don't get it. They're literally all white. That's just filler for the sake of rhyming words.

Quote:
He don't mind his girl sending back vibes to the fabulous guy cus he's blocking the view
to the cucks that he knew taking shots at the muse that just lost her own dude
I think it should read "doesn't". But, yeah, O, you're just rhyming at this point. The the well of substance and originality of has run dry. I think I saw in the chat thread where you mentioned something about having real issues going on, no sleep, stuff like that. So, I give you props for even showing up, but due to circumstance this is obviously nowhere close to your best or from what I can tell, even your usual. It's not bad by any means. But it's also nothing special.

Quote:
but they think that it's cute so they'll stink up a chute 'till she wish she was mute.
The man with the bowler talks with the dreamer and told her she's an excellent speaker
with evident features despite knowing there ain't a soul to control her bipolar and only the Devil would seek her.
Your mechanics are always sound. Uhmmm I do like the wording in this section a lot more than I did in the previous one. You injected a bit of color and personality here which was nice.

Quote:
He has to seem eager cus his ex across the table has habits with ether;
They broke up months ago although he hoped she'd grow to a keeper,
but they're victims of love and even the dope-supplier is with her!
That leaves us with the two at the top, the mysterious lot besides everyone knowing their ties with officials and don't get repercussions from tickets,
they're so deep in politics they beat certain critics with deceiving facts that are in it guided by lies and tidbits of missed shit that leaves discussions with crickets.
Again, the humor is a nice touch. You're doing a good job outlining these personality types. The problem however is there are too many characters and not enough time to flesh them all out and make them seem real. Let alone, make us care about any of them. It would have been wiser and a better use of your time and talent to have only focused on one or two in the pic, give them a name, a face, a sense of idenity and then a conflict to overcome, while using the others as a means of interaction.

I did like the ether addicted couple though.

Quote:
That's just the surface of misfits,
"The surface" is correct.

Quote:
sure I am curbed by this image
concerned with my turn but the burn isn't my issues, it's just that I'm in it
observing and learning my limits curved by the absurd portrayal of sinners
that earned the title of winners idling dinners with ''pros'' Barish speakin' prophets mark as beginners.
The stark contrast of bourgoise caskets entertain the dark values that's honest we perish
to nourish the bargains of fairish bombardments of traits we harvest and cherish.
Please be alarmed by this^ sentence, it scars my bars as I crave some repentance,
if you read it I said it not to harm but I subconsciously relish in the fact you're not far from the entrance.
Your mechanics are always sound.

The fact that you took an observer's view as the basis of your story made me as a reader feel disconnected from your content. I was never able to fully immerse myself into your world. Instead, I just felt like I was ... oooooooking at a painting. Idk how to explain it exactly, but uhmmm instead of enhancing the imagery provided you simply described it. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that it was like watching a movie with no thrills, because all the best scense were literally in the trailer. That's what you words were to the picture.

Vote -- Diablo

Reason: Although, I didn't particularly care for the Devil's content it was at least pretty original. The writing itself was strong and it seems like he put more effort and ingenuity into his piece. He wanted it more.

With that said I've seen you both write waaaaaay better than what you posted this week. This match was in no way, shape or form close the best output either of you are capable of producing. Not a bad match for your Average Joes, just not on par with you usual levels of talent. Don't hate me. Lol.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:12 PM   #10
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Champ battle vote:

Boy was this a great champ match. You both really came out with it. Diablo, your piece was just purely masterful in terms of vocabulary how how superbly you strung words together like nothing. It really bolstered your piece. Top-notch alliteration. Ridiculous, really. And everything flowed well. Not only that, your take on the picture overall was really over the top. The imagery was definitely there. I think the first 80% of the story was cool; near the end it got pretty twisted, but lacked compared to everything you set before. The extremely detailed 'erotica' section was well-written, descriptive. Objective, once again I am impressed with what you put together. Coming into this match, even after reading what D dropped, I was interested in seeing how you would counter. And I am not disappointed. You went with a point-of-view approach to the image, which I liked that you did something different, and your flow- the inners were just insanely smooth to me, and the kind of runaway sentence style you did actually really brought out strength in your piece. I was very clean for the most part. I can't even really point out a part to touch on, because everything served it's purpose.

You both, from my perspective, made this a very difficult battle to judge because you both excelled in different ways from each other and that is really saying something in a match of this caliber. I know this may surprise some people but my vote is going to Objective- what separates the two pieces for me which led me to this decision is while I enjoyed the narrative take of Diablo, I liked the direction Objective took with the picture a bit more and, while his piece is as cleanly written as D's, I felt his writing was solid enough and perspective creative enough to take this. But what a great read from both of you guys.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:53 AM   #11
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diablo
god damnit lmao
aight this was okay, good use of alliterations and shit.
I think like two of the words felt a little out of place (like the "did he synonym that shit too hard") but it wasn't too disrupting.
was a good story to it in a sense, the twist was unexpected and funny.

objective
the opening was cool, but the only thing that felt out of place was calling the friends "queers", that felt reallllly modern/young and the rest didn't.
the whole "harley quinn method" part was dope, and something that I think about a lot whenever a girl is like "oml gimme a romance like joker and harley" lmao.
"cig that he wish was a pipe... / ... shit that ain't right ... escape for the night / ... turns to a fight ... yearned to be white" had a really good flow to it.
> chute
omg get that fucking word out of my head after I read Diablo's lol
"there ain't a soul to control her bipolar and only..." was flowy too, it was cool.
the last two lines (before surface of misfits) were a tad long and could have had a bit smoother/bouncy flow.
"title of winners idling dinners with 'pros' Barish speakin' prophets mark as beginnners" was dope too.
anyways, the whole like self-commentary thing was cool, where the primary piece on the topic was more a piece within a piece.
had some really good parts in it and all around a better ready (in terms of seriousness anyways).

k so, Diablo came with some REALLY good alliteration again this time (err, not sure if he used much last time besides the onomatopoeia? can't remember) but the topic was more frivolous imo, he had a better like ... bounce/fun feel to it, but to me Objective had the more authentic/serious piece and that's much more my style. I think if Diablo's hadn't been about an orgy and fucking the girlfriend/wife's mom, he could have had my vote.

mvgt objective
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Old 01-17-2018, 03:28 PM   #12
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I got Diablo winning this will expand in this weeks mag.
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