Week 11: UnbornBuddha vs Jesodist [JESODIST 3-2]

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:


Good luck to both participants.
@UnbornBuddha (3-3) vs @JESODIST (3-6)

[UnbornBuddha]

“Rosie’s gone. Finding out who killed her won’t change that”

You stupid fool, that is the only thing that matters
My retribution for being a shitty father,
And not being able to prevent what happened.
This scenario is truly what death imagines.
Yes, pursuing it won't address her absence
But, it can perhaps release this stagnant senselessness
I harbor becoming my ultimate prophylactic medicine.
I think to myself why I carry these enigmatic sentiments
Why don’t I just reveal my traumatic manic testament?
Introverted selfishness keeps my dark dramatic actions reticent.
Yet, pensive expressions are a mental imbalance precipice
Screaming to be heard with an ungodly ecstatic emphasis.
Impulses triggered by intergalactic messages
Divulging to me Gnostic pleasures, microcosmic nectar.
Metamorphosis at the deepest subconscious level,
Allowing the unnatural to restructure my being
Sculptured to embody counterculture’s psyche.
A father’s shameless performance of abhorrent deeds
Yet, even upon being strangled, Rosie saw more in me.

Please, Brother, I need you to capture the nemesis
Make this monster repent his rapture in penitence.
Brother, you still don’t get it? Let’s add up the clues
See if we can perceive at least half of the truth.
Upon arriving at my door you felt something ominous. At last,
My brother became cognizant the killer wasn’t anonymous.

In disbelief, he said: How could you, your own physical daughter?!
Yet, instead of weeping, I began to have inexplicable laughter.
Then the unthinkable happened. I knifed him to death
Stabbing him until I reached my lifeless intent.
Standing there looking at my brother’s corpse,
Rosie appears, and begins to utter words
Daddy, Daddy, why did you hurt my friend and my uncle?
I fell to the ground, suppressing my chuckles.
Apparently I had hurt another little child, a horrible crime.
But, Rosie is alive, tears poured from my eyes, morals aside I know my sorrow is trite
Anthropomorphizing life just to feel sort of right.
Maybe I did what I did because I’m bored inside.
But, hearing Rosie’s voice again has brought me joy again.
I felt divided. Empty. I just wanted the void to end.
I said to Rosie not to worry anymore.
Her friend and uncle are not in the story anymore.
No need to run away this time. Daddy made up his mind
He is not a casualty to the pain in his mind
My victims were fate ascribed to agents before the matrix's demise.
As I said this she saw a twinkle in my eyes.
And in hers, I saw the ripple of something simple and divine.
As if it was the last time I’ll see her, I hugged her tightly
Never again will I take love so lightly.

[JESODIST]

The story of Rosie

Rosie was a typical girl addicted to Attention from Men,
Little did she knew there was no Redemption on the End,
Her enemies were always Unmentioned to her Friends,
Forced to undergo all the punishment and Detention on the Bends,
She carried on the Burden of her Lifetime,
She was never picked as the prom queen on the Prime Time,
Which drove her to Committing the Worse of Grinds,
That were admissible and Known in her Times,
She was like no other so Adorable and Kind,
Had a crowd of followers which were Down for the Crimes,
Of burrying the Corpse no one would tell and No One would Find,
Bullied by all the cool kids on High School, The things they did to her weren't Right Cool,
She was in love with the Most Famous,
Which thought that "everyone who is down Must Trail Us and not Fail Us",
It was the prom night and her only objective was to be the Homecoming Queen,
Every girl that was present on the Crowd would Screem,
In hopes of being elected and be Seen by everyone else as something Fairly Special,
Her dealings were covert and steaming as Hot as a Fiery Kettle,
Her feelings sort of Soft as a Merely Petal,
But she was down to Earn this Dearly Medal Surpasing any and Every Contender,
Thinking that Maybe she is Better than the rest but a Surprise was Awaiting,
She had to go up against a slanted crowd with Guys that were Hating,
Victory was far from Coming her Way,
And if she didn't achieve it all her memories would Prolly Decay,
On a Weary State she would Merely Wait For the decision that would Emerge from the Crowd,
The final Cheerings would be Thoroughly Heard by amounts of Students and everyone Present at that Moment,
If anything she would rejoice like the Truest or be Expressing all the Torment,
That she held on to sabotaging for the Entire Semester,
Camouflaging between all the Liars and Jesters,
She would silently imagine Robbing Expressions,
Of everyone that would witness her Plotting Ascension,
To the very top of the Food Chain,
She would think that except for the runner up all these Dudes Lame,
Their performance was Too Lame unworthy of going Through the Shame,
Because deep inside her heart it was cool there she Knew the Game,
At the end of the school year every other accomplishment was Absolutely Lame,
You either on top of the punishment or be Viewed the Same,
In line with all those who Bluffed, Geeks, Wannabes and Contenders,
Anyone not strong enough daring to Compete and Feel like Pretenders,
The verdecit was one that was Never Imagined,
Everyone who was a Member was Gladdened,
All the spectators in scene who Remebered what Happened,
Accepted their defeat were Surrendered and Saddened,
But Rosie wouldn't let it go she refused and Had a Wierd,
Idea that spawned after losing her Feeling were Mad and Enraged,
Although She knew that Brad was Engaged,
She wouldn't let this victory Slide Unnoticed,
Ravaging she Ride with the Lowest Savagely Collide with the Coldest
Her strategies were just Right the Oldest, she felt as hot as Riding Moltres,
On that very night her Joy would not Come,
she lost the crown to a better girl and Immediately Crashed on the Ground,
The crowd laughed and laughed chasing her Away from the Event,
She felt as if this was the end of Days or that Hades was Sent to make her life a Living Hell,
or that someone had resorted to a witch and had been Spitting Spells,
that made her Loose the Competition, she got Booed on the Decision,
this led her to End her Own Life, she thought she was bound to be the Soul Wife,
And finally took her life away with a Blunt Knife...

[Mr. J]

Buddha, I thought that you penned an interesting tale
halfway through I stopped to say you could have chopped your investment...
well...with that being said I will tell you where to start...
introverted selfishness & reticent is redundant when you pick it apart
I thought the build up of the first half was a nice introduction.
the break down in the middle helped decipher the second half's induction.
a much darker piece from you with that signature Buddha style
a trip down a twisted mind off medication dwelling on truths denial..
an interesting tale on your behalf with some minor mishaps
regardless I feel you kept the portrayal of your story intact...
nice work....

JESO, from the jump I see a few mistakes that can be corrected..
due to your rants on racism I will not blame your accent, just my perception
the high school/right cool felt like a forced idea in my eyes...
fiery kettle was cool, merely petal felt like an accident in disguise
gladdened felt like a word Frank would make up but it checks out...
I would have reworded that because it feels weird & left me stressed out..
the constant use of contenders made me feel kind of dirty as well
the story was cool though, & the ending is worthy of hell....

v/this is another tough battle with tough competitors
Buddha took the darker route which JESODIST is remember for.
maybe thats what makes this hard due to the topic at hand
I enjoyed Buddhas approach and its portrayal of consciousness in man
its obvious to me toward the ending of his first half....
the word choice & the fluency made me enjoy his work....
fact is there were some parts that didnt feel fitting to me
while JESO crafted a decent story & approached more wittingly
perhaps the time off helped him take control of his overabundance
whatever it is though JESO had a verse full of mistakes his story had substance.
Buddha used the word *chuckle* which is an odd word to see
& it kind of brought forth this feeling of satirical absurdity...
when it comes to darkness I feel JESODIST is the one who shines bright
he overpowered Buddha with a late drop & stands in the limelight....
v/JESODIST

[Adonis]

God - Very good opener, you jumped right into the thick of it, which could be bad if you lack character build up, either way, it was a gripping opener. For me, the lack of build up really did hurt, I had no connection to what was going on really. I did enjoy it, but after today this verse will be lost in the shuffle. Kudos on throwing some 6 syllable words at me, I don't think it's voter friendly at, so know you run that risk, but I enjoy even if they're words I know.

Diz - I liked the story as a finished product, I thought you progressed well. Copy flow riddled through out along with tense errors and phrasing issues hurt you this week. The verse was probably a couple lines too fat, but all in all, as I said, the story was quite good. The other surrounding criteria was not the best however.


Tough vote. While I enjoyed and connected better with Jesodist' verse, from a technical stand point Buddha mashed, but I didn't have that connection to the verse at all. So which is the bigger offense? IDK honestly, but in the end I enjoyed one a bit more

v/Jesodist

thinnest of margins

[Razah]

Father / matter rhyme threw me off, from the jump.

And not being able to prevent what happened.
This scenario is truly what death imagines.
Yes, pursuing it won't address her absence

I really liked the flow on that. Smooth as fuckk if you ask me. Then you go & change the rhyme scheme up, eek.

I harbor becoming my ultimate prophylactic medicine.
I think to myself why I carry these enigmatic sentiments
Why don’t I just reveal my traumatic manic testament?
Introverted selfishness keeps my dark dramatic actions reticent.

That's the Buddha I'm familiar with, back with the Canibus rap.

Laughter / daughter? Doesn't rhyme to me.

I wonder, do you write these verses how you speak or do you enjoy using words that aren't very typically used?

Anthropomorphizing, that word alone is almost half of the syllable count for that whole bar. I mean, don't get me wrong, I also, for some reason, know a lot of words that I don't ever really use, but I know them. I just feel like those kind of words don't have a place in rap verses, but.. these aren't just rap verses I guess, them being labeled 'topicals' makes it okay, I suppose.

Sesquipedalian, is how I would define it. I forgot where I learned that word but, it fits you perfectly. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. You ended the verse very strongly.

As I said this she saw a twinkle in my eyes.
And in hers, I saw the ripple of something simple and divine.
As if it was the last time I’ll see her, I hugged her tightly
Never again will I take love so lightly.

I enjoyed the imagery of a ripple in her eye.

Overall, solid verse. It's my usual critique towards your verses, Mr. Canibus, but nonetheless, an enjoyable verse.

Jesodist.. Something is off about the way you used prime time.. I dunno, kinda feels a little forced. Anyways, so far so good though. Right cool? Extremely forced. Foorrrccceeeedddd. In Spanish, forzado, pinche racista.

Anyways, no real complaints on the rest of the story. It was actually pretty good if I'm comparing this to other verses I've read from you. And, I know you think we're all racists, but it's not even that. The only complaints I do have about the verse, you really can't fix until you become better with English grammar. I really do appreciate how English isn't your native language and you still manage to write pretty decent stuff, but in a battle, the voters should always vote for what verse they thought was better. I liked how this verse wasn't so dark / gory, and the story telling was okay.. one of your better verses if you ask me.

With all that being said, I'm going to have to go with Buddha. He had some parts in his verse that I really liked, although he had some parts I didn't like, the parts I enjoyed outweighed Jesodist' verse in my eyes.

SORRY FOR THE RACISM THOUGH, lo siento.

vUnbornBuddha

[asylum]

Buddha you started a little rough but once your flow kicked in those rhymes were epic as usual. You pack some crazy statements into some tight packages. Man this story was fucked up tho. Pretty sure a father killed his entire family, then strangled his daughter after she witnessed it? Whoa. Weird shit man, but definitely strong writing.
Jesodist man this was a really sad story about a girl who didn’t get picked for prom queen and killed herself. There was a lot going on here, my best advice to you is to include more action and less mental processes. But you did a great job of sticking to your plot here man. Seriously, you’re paying attention to our advice and I appreciate it. You’re definitely going in the right direction with your work, now it’s just time to iron out the kinks. Nice character development, sad story.
/v Buddha because his ending was a little bit more effective. Jesodist, I almost voted for you.. if you’d have included something your character did as a result of how she felt throughout the piece, I would have.

[Frank]

Pardon the brevity, fellahs

Jesodist, first time reading something from you that isn't demonic. You couldn't help yourself though and added a hellish line towards the very end. Lots of grammatical errors and countless miss spellings that there is no excuses for. But the Storyline seems ike a genuine bully scenario that could pass for a real life vent, like one aimed at the racist posters of the AOWL. Reminded me of the movie Cary. Check it out. Unbornbuddahs first half was psychoanalyzing psycho babble. Great insight into the mind of a serial killer type. As the events transpired the heinousness of it all was all rather chilling. Sorry for not giving this read the breakdown it derserved. Voted Jesodist.