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Old 09-25-2014, 10:23 PM   #1
Adonis
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Default Week 1: Certain vs. Frank [Certain wins, 7-0.]

Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 2nd at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here

Goodluck
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:37 AM   #2
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The smell of fresh blood spilled through the regeneration mill.
It was December, and the steam rose off the atria grills,
where another batch, cut and wrapped, was sent to market.
It was December, season of giving. What better than pretested hearts?

Eight new ones a day every day produced and stowed
in the only factory in the world capable of fusal growth.
There were toes and eyes, grown behind the lungs and spleens,
but the hearts were the deli***ies. Frozen dry, trussed and squeezed.
Until the noisy demand hit its functional peak.
Viral marketing: "Get a new heart and overcome your disease!
Only seven million cubits and thirty-four Earth coins if you buy now;
just swipe your thumbprint on this hologram screen before supply's out!"

Martin Graves was a junior mechanic at the mill, repairing drones
that rarely froze but sometimes needed reboots or battery clones.
He'd spent eleven years of training at Gates Academy,
passed rigid assessments, visited lectures and gave with great veracity
a thesis dissertation based on alchemy's modern appliance.
His teacher said it was dated yet found it quite honest, unbiased.
That gave Martin the path to this organic mechanical field,
where he marched to the head of his class and stood out for his pedantic zeal.

It was December, three hundred and fifty-two hearts to be shipped,
a task carried out by seven drones in the mill and two on the cargo lift,
all working in unison over the next twenty-one hours and nine minutes.
Martin tugged on his blue shirt collar and readjusted one time widget,
then sent the first of the drones back out onto the factory floor.
One at a time, he pulled them aside just long enough to recalibrate cores.

When three hundred and fifty-two hearts arrived at Booker's Children's Hospital,
Chief Doctor Gregory Regus knew a mistake had been made, yet, "That's impossible!
Drones act only on programming," he said, so he took it as a gift from God.
Besides the hearts could only last for a few more hours outside of a living body.
There were four hundred and thirty-one children at Booker's in need, and yet
because they couldn't afford the regenerate hearts, they'd been kept on machines instead.
One of the lucky recipients was a freckled boy, twelve years in age.
With his lifelong heart murmur fixed, no one smiled brighter than Steven Graves.

As for Martin, when the drones returned and were debugged in manual audits,
the junior mechanic was found guilty of treason, theft and damaging losses.
They televised the execution. The injection spared Martin his torment.
And afterward, they moved his body to the mill to harvest his organs.
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Old 10-04-2014, 02:59 AM   #3
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"throb"

Beauty mark above your lip, luscious and scorned, voluptuous circumference...
Succulent cords, humming sweet nothings underneath your breath, warm with the whiff of rum from the Dutchess’s pour
The abducting allure that surrounded you, engulfing you; masking you in the red blush
that puckered you and plucked at you until you succumbed to its swarm
Your laughter erupted into applause, the clapping, the cuffing, the clasping,
your conjunction of palms, the combustion of discussion rung in my ear drums with rambunctious force and thunderous roar
Pursuers guzzled their bubbly and eye balled you in your dress that clung to your core
Ribbon in your hair, robust, supple breasts pushed up into form
The Irish woman worked the room until you, the sucker was born
Her seductive nature sent your endorphins rushing and your hearts pumping,
as she flustered you while drunk, with all your money galore
She brushed up on you with bluntness and asked if she could puff your blunt
"Sure... You love pot too?"
Handing her over the dutch that stunk of skunk,
And she sucked and sucked until the blunt shrunk into her lungs and stumped
He wasn't warned
He loved pot just as much as women, but much more
The leprechaun looked at the irish woman with repugnance and swore
Down on his luck, colorless, torn
The heart that is soonest awake to the flowers is always the first to be touch'd by the thorn -
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Old 10-04-2014, 06:33 AM   #4
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Certain:

Your vocabulary is off-the-charts. I had to "google define" a few words… which always makes me happy.

Your opening verse caught me by surprise, thinking that Frank's was gonna be hard to beat.

Not sure if "fusal" is a word… but I assumed you meant a definition along the lines of fused and not futsal. Invention of a new word, I assume -- thats a ++.

I don't know if you made up "Martin Graves" but I googled it… I was hoping it wasn't some poor guy that was driven off of this site.

I'm not sure if 352 hearts, 7 drones, and 21 hrs:9 minutes are significant in some way. You either randomly placed them, or they mean something deeper. I didn't look into this.

Again, I know not of the reference to Steven Graves but I'm guessing it has some significance. I see that there is a Steven Graves that is a musician…



Damn, your story line was fantastic. The format was great. There was few rhymes, but that isn't important. Over all creativity is an A++.. If I had read this before reading Franks, he may have received a 9 instead of a 9.5; because I hate giving out 10's. The execution of your idea was fantastic. I hate to vote against Frank because his writing was beautiful… but I could imagine that Martin's execution was the thorns, the drones harvesting still implied hearts grown from a farm or something similar.

Over all, I can not give any criticisms, and I believe you are the favorite to win… if I get past the first round or beyond…. I will put forth full effort if I ever write in competition with you

10/10 = Perfect Score




Frank:

I read your verse first because Certain is certainly the favor to win this contest.

First off, your style is spectacular. I see words that rhyme that aren't in ones, twos, threes, or fours. However, this is netcees, and I doubt others will. Your written words is truly a poem, and a very good one at that. You weren't afraid to make some lines much longer than others, as AOWL shouldn't be necessarily targeted towards writing over timing or beats.

I loved how you rhymed some ending words but had no worry about it, and also rhymed words at random. This is AOWL, and that is a big PLUS.

As I read, I don't know where the leprechaun came from… something I don't understand.

The closing line drew in the flowers and the THORNS, which I was wondering if you'd bring those up, because I saw them. The water leaking from the bottom of the flower pot could also signify her smoking the entire blunt.

The creativity in your verse was what caught me as something that I'd have to read twice. I liked your reference to smoking "pot", which could also refer to the flower pot.

Over all = 9.5/10



I like to vote for the underdog, but in this case, I have to:

/v Certain
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Old 10-04-2014, 11:00 AM   #5
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Certain - Your structure and writing voice scream boring, my friend. You've got an assailant's set of skills too. I want to be able to give you honest feedback like this because there's a slight chance it'll ferment something back into your style you've been missing. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be cohesive ... be artsy a little sometimes. Become weird. This had a decent-to-good storyline and concept, a little Pixar cookie-cutter, and I could sort of see where it was all going. Wording was very solid and rhyme-wise, you can do a lot. Rhyming with a character's name is a copout, I did it one time and Sacrifice called me out on it in his breakdown; I'm following suit. This wasn't good but it also wasn't bad.

Frank - OMG THIS WAZ GENIUS! x_x - but in reality, it wasn't, Frank. Riding the wave of elaborate descriptions and ending the piece with a fancy bow is a hearty strategy, only when pulled off with a deli***y you're capable of but didn't bring to the table here. I'm guessing you rushed it. The Irish Woman and the Leprechaun is a tale I'm soon to forget.

My vote goes to Certain.
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Old 10-04-2014, 01:15 PM   #6
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this was mismatched imo, certain had a really solid verse. where as franks i thought was so wordy it didnt flow all that great. which is fine because he told a good story, but the mechanics just help propel the story that much more. franks vocab was retarded. crazy word usage. but overall i feel certain took this. he just had all the elements there. hard to beat that.

good job dudes.

V/ Certain
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Old 10-04-2014, 07:54 PM   #7
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Certain-

Good. Very short story-esque, airtight in execution and cohesion. Every detail tended to and thought out. I like the subtle aspects of this verse; cubits/earth coins, the advertisement, and the fact that machines are responsible for the very organs that keep us alive. It was futuristic, but realistically futuristic. So that was good. I think the story, overall, was alright and was buoyed by your thoroughness. Kind of had a double twist, although the last line is more an irony than I twist, I guess. I don't have any complaints, really. Vulgar brought up some honest criticism, though, and maybe his points have some merit. But your style is your style and it's not inherently better or worse than someone else's. Thanks for the read.

Frank-

I really enjoyed everything up until 'money galore'. This type of overly descriptive writing is right in my wheelhouse and you did it well. In particular, 'Ribbon in your hair' to 'money galore' was strong. But from "You love pot too?" on was pretty mediocre. Your word choice switched from elegant to brash too quickly, and everything felt rushed. Definitely a tale of two halves in terms of quality. I did like your last line quite a bit. If you had strengthened and taken your time on your ending you would've taken this.

Certain showed to his expected level of quality. Frank started out gangbusters and fizzled out at the end. Thanks for the reads bros.

v/Certain
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Old 10-04-2014, 09:27 PM   #8
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welp. certain blew this shit out the water.
he gave us a plot, theme and characters
with very impressive vocab to bring it all
to life. from wat i've heard, frank is almost
a god in writing....umm...no. or he didnt
put his all into this. whatever the case was
certain KILT this.


vote: certain
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Old 10-05-2014, 01:49 AM   #9
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Certain - I liked the opening a lot. That is a prime example of proper build up, something I struggle with greatly. The verse quickly shifted and left that zygote like realm and you stepped into a real world. I wish you hadn't because I wanted to remain in the plant, but I guess that would be boring. the story had solid progression and but nothing was kept hush hush really pertaining the ending. i'm not sure how you would have even gone about that, but once you mentioned both father and son's names the element of surprise leaped from the page. I guess the irony of his organs being donated was the climax? or supposed to be, but honestly any sort of climax was sapped out and the story just sort of ended. Good writing though, I really liked the verse and after reading them all I would say this was top 3-4 ish.

Franker - Opening 6-8 bars had better flow then I've read in a long while. The verse was a good read, fast paced and to the point. You did a lot with the limited space, but still not enough. There were too many grammatical errors (your hearts pumping) Simple shit like that. We both know you key'd this shit, or at least most of it as you were no doubt under the gun to post before closing of thread. And because of that you lost. But for what I believe is a key, you did a good job none the less.

Voting Cert

verse was more polished and overall executed better.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:14 AM   #10
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Certain, this was a really fresh take. Honestly, the rhyming in this piece was not perfect (especially in the 1st stanza - a little shaky) but the sheer imagination behind what you did really impressed me. You had an incredible concept, a well-developed character, in-depth descriptions and a fully-formed storyline. I think you hit all the high notes that you could've.

Frank - opposite effect from Certain - the rhyming is what stood out the most. Your eally reeled it in and showed off some technical prowess - I was engaged by the craftsmanship of it. The whole "stunk, skunk, blunt, sucked" scheme... well, sucked. But other than that this was good. Story-wise, you just couldn't hit the height that Certain did with his rendition of the topic.

Vote - Certain
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Old 10-06-2014, 05:15 AM   #11
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Certain wins, 7-0.
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