UnBeautiful Life: VERSES 1 & 2. ..that much closer!

Geno · 01-08-2014, 05:24 AM

Eyo, real life shit..

Would sell his soul if he could change the past
And a few of these mistakes made over a taste of ass
Face the facts, its one of those funnier days he's had
Raised his glass, drank until the pain was trashed
A brainiac, who stays stuck in his head for days
His time bombs tickin over these beds he's made
A bitchs feminine ways creates his fetish for hate
If he'd of let'er be he'd be a lot better today
brought a baby in the world and ain't know for a year
The paternity test results what he totally fears
Choked on his tears, mixed in with so many beers
Over a daughter in his life he ain't know would appear
Coke on the mirror, tryina make his thoughts escape
Talks insane, afraid his fucking life's been tossed away
Another baby gil's on his plate, what she cost to raise

But the kid ain't mean to ruin his night
All she came here to do is live her own beautiful life
She grew up despite the hate and despair
And laughs when people say her life isn't as crazy as thiers
At a young age wanted to run from the storm
And away from her parents who fought just because she was born
Looked at the pouring rain, afraid, tired of being a burden
Feeling the pain, how much could fucking be in one person!?
Her demons were perfect, the curses, and the blood in her veins
Her fathers addictions, and mothers would uncover her fate
The steps she would take to avoid the feelings she fought
The feelings of fault, that caused her world to really dissolve
building a vault, concealiing the thoughts she wouldn't share
Cause it was easier to hide, then to find people who cared
Scared, seemed like people were scarce, and nature would hit
Like a brick, she gets high, calls it the only way to exist

Just Write · 01-09-2014, 01:05 AM

I remember reading one of these verses, cant remember if i fed or not but you know me i always dig that real life shit. I feel a lot of negative emotion in this peice, almost a sense of confusion. Like you wanna be pissed off at the world but you can't fully let yourself cuz of ur kid n shit ionno. Anyways man decent drop, prefered the first verse over the second.

Natural · 01-09-2014, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genocide

Eyo, real life shit..

Would sell his soul if he could change the past
And a few of these mistakes made over a taste of ass
↑I dig the real life ish, but I feel the words "taste of ass" cheapen
the impact of the lines. I does its job but I feel you could
have reworded it...at least that line. The first line is good.

Face the facts, its one of those funnier days he's had
Raised his glass, drank until the pain was trashed
↑Dope

A brainiac, who stays stuck in his head for days
His time bombs tickin over these beds he's made
I like this..but I feel "over the bed he's made" would
have been better wording.

A bitchs feminine ways creates his fetish for hate
If he'd of let'er be he'd be a lot better today
Word. Relatable to many.

brought a baby in the world and ain't know for a year
The paternity test results what he totally fears
Choked on his tears, mixed in with so many beers
Over a daughter in his life he ain't know would appear
Tough situation. I feel it was described well.

Coke on the mirror, tryina make his thoughts escape
Talks insane, afraid his fucking life's been tossed away
Another baby gil's on his plate, what she cost to raise
↑Impactful lines

But the kid ain't mean to ruin his night
All she came here to do is live her own beautiful life
She grew up despite the hate and despair
And laughs when people say her life isn't as crazy as thiers
At a young age wanted to run from the storm
And away from her parents who fought just because she was born
Looked at the pouring rain, afraid, tired of being a burden
Feeling the pain, how much could fucking be in one person!?
↑Dope. Good writing here. It feels like you just let it rip from here down.

Her demons were perfect, the curses, and the blood in her veins
Her fathers addictions, and mothers would uncover her fate
The steps she would take to avoid the feelings she fought
The feelings of fault, that caused her world to really dissolve
building a vault, concealiing the thoughts she wouldn't share
Cause it was easier to hide, then to find people who cared
Scared, seemed like people were scarce, and nature would hit
Like a brick, she gets high, calls it the only way to exist
↑Overall more dope than flaws. I do feel the closer could be better but its not bad.
I could see this being recorded with some tweaks. This to me still seems like a different style for you....unno. I say keep it up.

Natural · 01-09-2014, 07:40 AM

Bump. Deserves more feed

Exis · 01-09-2014, 09:45 PM

Would sell his soul if he could change the past
And a few of these mistakes made over a taste of ass
Face the facts, its one of those funnier days he's had
Raised his glass, drank until the pain was trashed
A brainiac, who stays stuck in his head for days
His time bombs tickin over these beds he's made
A bitchs feminine ways creates his fetish for hate
If he'd of let'er be he'd be a lot better today

^^Slick Geno.

I've already commented on the second verse so Ima just feed the first one...again emotion is the drivin' force behind this, and content wise it's pretty clean.Good use of multies kept the flow smooth and I like that the structure is such that it makes for a very fluent read...would probably say I felt the first slightly more than the second but overall shits nice with it man, I'm sure there are numerous people that could relate in some way or another...great stuff hombre.

Stay upwards.

01-08-2014, 05:24 AM	#1
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,324 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	UnBeautiful Life: VERSES 1 & 2. ..that much closer! Eyo, real life shit.. Would sell his soul if he could change the past And a few of these mistakes made over a taste of ass Face the facts, its one of those funnier days he's had Raised his glass, drank until the pain was trashed A brainiac, who stays stuck in his head for days His time bombs tickin over these beds he's made A bitchs feminine ways creates his fetish for hate If he'd of let'er be he'd be a lot better today brought a baby in the world and ain't know for a year The paternity test results what he totally fears Choked on his tears, mixed in with so many beers Over a daughter in his life he ain't know would appear Coke on the mirror, tryina make his thoughts escape Talks insane, afraid his fucking life's been tossed away Another baby gil's on his plate, what she cost to raise But the kid ain't mean to ruin his night All she came here to do is live her own beautiful life She grew up despite the hate and despair And laughs when people say her life isn't as crazy as thiers At a young age wanted to run from the storm And away from her parents who fought just because she was born Looked at the pouring rain, afraid, tired of being a burden Feeling the pain, how much could fucking be in one person!? Her demons were perfect, the curses, and the blood in her veins Her fathers addictions, and mothers would uncover her fate The steps she would take to avoid the feelings she fought The feelings of fault, that caused her world to really dissolve building a vault, concealiing the thoughts she wouldn't share Cause it was easier to hide, then to find people who cared Scared, seemed like people were scarce, and nature would hit Like a brick, she gets high, calls it the only way to exist __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

01-09-2014, 01:05 AM	#2
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997613	I remember reading one of these verses, cant remember if i fed or not but you know me i always dig that real life shit. I feel a lot of negative emotion in this peice, almost a sense of confusion. Like you wanna be pissed off at the world but you can't fully let yourself cuz of ur kid n shit ionno. Anyways man decent drop, prefered the first verse over the second. __________________

01-09-2014, 07:40 AM	#4
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 691 Rep Power: 0	Bump. Deserves more feed

01-09-2014, 09:45 PM	#5
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Would sell his soul if he could change the past And a few of these mistakes made over a taste of ass Face the facts, its one of those funnier days he's had Raised his glass, drank until the pain was trashed A brainiac, who stays stuck in his head for days His time bombs tickin over these beds he's made A bitchs feminine ways creates his fetish for hate If he'd of let'er be he'd be a lot better today ^^Slick Geno. I've already commented on the second verse so Ima just feed the first one...again emotion is the drivin' force behind this, and content wise it's pretty clean.Good use of multies kept the flow smooth and I like that the structure is such that it makes for a very fluent read...would probably say I felt the first slightly more than the second but overall shits nice with it man, I'm sure there are numerous people that could relate in some way or another...great stuff hombre. Stay upwards.