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Old 12-22-2016, 03:22 AM   #1
Frank
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Default Week 2: Adonis (0-1) vs. Maximus (0-1) - ADONIS WINS 3-2



Season 7

Verses are due Tuesday 12/27 at 11:59 PST. EXT 12/28 11:59 PST

Voting ends Sunday 12/31 at 11:59 PST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on 3 battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will not receive a victory. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension.

Topic: "The Sleeping Gypsy"



Good luck to both participants. @Adonis @Maximus
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Old 12-28-2016, 06:56 PM   #2
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I wonder why my race is marginalized
The misconceptions are based on improbable lies
For instance, my ancestors never came from Egypt
And we are folks with good intentions not shady creatures
I grew up with my mother, no paternal guidance
But i never felt his absence 'mongst my sturdy tribesmen
Through all the austerities we stayed firm, united
A closely-knit clan stronger than a herd of bisons
My mother was my heroine, a true chiromancer
If you questioned your future she provided answers
On this fateful evening when we dined in laughter
I never knew it would be my mother's final chapter
It all happened in a flash, calamity struck
Peals of thunderous sounds from cannons and guns
The neighboring town's crisis had become fierce
Momma was a casualty, shells left her lungs pierced
So here lies a nomad but our journey never ends
Pitch a tent in heaven till the day i transcend...

Last edited by Maximus; 12-28-2016 at 07:07 PM.
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:51 PM   #3
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~



~Evolution vs. Time:~
A common Myth


We were made primal, gnashing teeth for survival
Living Darwinian means catching meat to be spiteful
The strong reign supreme so it seems we were rightful
Fast forward...Suddenly, hacking truth's the key to lifes rule
Time moves effortlessly; Don't bother her with slowing it down
Once you've fallen behind, forget about holding the crown
There's no come-from-behind victory if you've coasted around
To the victor the spoils, nepotism at it's best dressed cap and gown
We spent most of our lives eating roots and searching our prey
now-a-days fish filet comes from the ocean....We pray
We went from catching sun rays to electro magnetic waves
Streaming consciousness through Earth with a phone glued to a face
Our ancestors look to us with distaste, We're losing our truth
They couldn't talk, we can, but still have chosen not too
Why say "hello" to a stranger? She's not inside your web
Besides, you gotta snap chat her back fat to accumulate likes in a thread


They say
All good things come to an end, and I believe this to be right
See, I'd rather be in the jungle, daily trying to survive
Then live amongst the cellular zombies droning away their own life









~
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:25 PM   #4
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This is an interesting battle.... and it is quite close

Maximus brought in a story about his mother... the language was good, but i hate to say... i didnt feel too connected to the mother... yes she died... apparently got shot, but th build to that moment wasnt really there... its like my mom helped me, then some people came in and shot her... the end... It also started like you were gonna discuss race... and then flipped it to talk about your mom... and then she dies... the opening thought really didn't get completely discussed and there wasnt enough time for me to "care" about the mother... i think it woulda been more fruitful to the eye, if maybe she did something heroic why she was being killed... maybe discuss more of the emotions you felt while this "shooting" was going on...

Adonis -

i get the message that you are trying to get across, but once again i wish there was more depth... explaining how we used to fight for our survival and now we are surrounded by technology, at least that is what i got from it.. Also i see that you say today humans are lke robots in this society and you would rather go back to when people had to communicate with eachother...

I think that maybe Maxes verse was written better... not by much... but adonis' verse was a tad bit more though provoking.. Adonis verse made me think a bit more... and in the end... Max's story didnt really pull me in... hook line and sinker

Vote Adonis
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Old 12-29-2016, 04:58 PM   #5
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Max--

something dramatic was going on behind the scenes in this verse...not sure what. From the beginning you indicated that the narrator was of a certain ethnicity that was also marginalized, unjustly. Toward the middle and end tribal strife was hinted at as the mother dies. She was important to the narrator but i have no idea why. This needs more work to tie the marginalization to this 'fateful evening'...


So here lies a nomad but our journey never ends
Pitch a tent in heaven till the day i transcend...


i liked that


Adon- The buzz of modern society contrasted and seen in context of the evolutionary model. Pretty cool, pretty safe. It's true what you say and it's a good summry. You could have been more probing into an analysis. For example why we are today against our 'nature' as animals competing? I say capitalism!

i like

We went from catching sun rays to electro magnetic waves
Streaming consciousness through Earth with a phone glued to a face


The ancients were deff. not primitive people, we are more backward today imo as our mode of production forms perverted social relations, rendering man dependent not on man but upon abstractions like capital. A thoughtful piece of writing.


//

v- Adoni
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Old 12-30-2016, 08:31 PM   #6
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Maximus - this was a great little piece. you really did a lot in a short amount of space, and gave the image a tragic twist. I enjoyed how you dove briefly into the history of gypsies, although it may have been an adlib because I've never heard gypsies were from Egypt. perhaps a play on the sounds of both words? anyways, nice work!

Adonis - enjoyed this work of satire. definitely pokes fun at the so called, "cellular zombie," nation we live in. It is getting a bit ridiculous! Anyway, you started off very strong and explained yourself rather well afterwards. I did particularly enjoy the "snap chat back fat" bit, that was funny and also toyed with the fact negative social media posts receive the most attention. you could have related to your picture more.

mvgt - Maximus for hitting his image better.
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Old 12-31-2016, 03:01 AM   #7
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Maximus

Solid. I had to look up two words "chiromancer" and "austerities". Good vocabulary. Touching piece. The description shady creatures was a little shaky, but in hindsight it does describe the pic accurately. I like how the mountains could be perceived as tents. I wanted more ultimately. Flow kind of reminded me of Srals which isn't necessarily a bad thing eg; tightly wound progression and transitioning from line to line. Very interested to hear how you interpret topics as the season unfolds. Very solid read given the picture, just wanted more.

Adonis

Before I start this verse, I just had to scroll up and comment right off the bat on the vintage squiggly lined centered verse. Classic. K. Ambitious verse. You always present your opinions very confidently as if proclaiming it from the rooftops. I like how this verse ushers in your new avy. Nice touch. Enjoy some of the lines, some already quoted by others. But I really disliked "likes in a thread?" Felt a little left field semi directed at the AOWL? Intriguing verse though. The hacking truths line could've used some more mechanical punctuation marks to clarify the idea more coherently.

Overall my decision comes down to two roads. Adonis not finishing his idea thoroughly enough in that last stanza. Going left field instead of truly centering his idea versus Maximus shady opening lines. Overall, I liked Maximus interpretation of the picture slightly more. MVGT Maximus
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Old 01-01-2017, 01:54 PM   #8
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maximus

It all happened in a flash, calamity struck
Peals of thunderous sounds from cannons and guns

i liked that couplet. nothing special about it but, just good wording & a solid multi. kind of reminded me of how I set my lines up, which, makes you awesome in my book. verse was cool, really nailed the topic (a lot better than Adonis)

Adonis verse reminded me of a verse I did a while ago, although not as good as mine. (true story). Verse was solid though bruh, it was actually a really enjoyable read. I enjoyed reading it a lot more than Maximus verse but, I don't see how it fit the topic.

Very confusing battle for me to vote on, on one hand, Maximus had a decent verse that was on point with the topic. Adonis had a good enjoyable verse which I thought didn't have much to do with the topic. I dunno how I feel about straying away from the topic, kind of defeats the purpose of having a topic driven league, but whatever.. For now, Im'a have to give it to the more enjoyable read.

vAdonis
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