05-05-2015, 01:28 AM | #1 |
native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453407 |
Regression
The pen turns to rubble in a struggle with misery
repeating mistakes across a reductionist history A sense of nothing is limiting - constrained when defined By the placement of rhymes..... shaping my lines Night feels saintly, divine. And when the vigor is felt I take up the suicide mission meant to figure me out Soon a bit of liquor compels to turn to the diffident shells In my peripheral.. & play Mr. Infinite Svelte Glasses clink, we're laughing quick to depart from sobriety Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society As apartheids garnering apathy - we sip Singapore Slang She giggles between kittenish whispers.. But I couldn't think of her name, due to the residual rot from this saturnalia swelling and beginning to pop And from there where do we go? Back to the stack of coffins by D Street. Pardon the honesty But my morning commute consists of garlic and coffee beans And my nights more of the same.. a haunting endlessness Monitored by my daunted penmanship - all of it. senselessness A waste of my time, another grave shift while raving at night Another matrix of lights, superficial serenade of the mind And another piece of prose to note my corporeal decline All while I wait to see you in the corner of my eye |
05-06-2015, 12:38 AM | #2 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
written well, but written ...not dynamically. Portions of your writing make way for the following couplet to flourish through design. Sometimes, I'd make my own writing of your version in my head, and I wished you took these routes. What, I mean by this, is not that your writing isn't written well now, but...that I felt you could have really CAPTURED something undeniably difficult to capture, rather than to speak almost tilted towards the topic. It was more of a story, rather than a moment in time captured explicitly. That's ok though, because it was very good either way. Just wish, that you proactively denied any subtle inconvenient thought caused by vague wording. Wish you nailed it on the head and connected decidely with the reader instead of enamoring me with a few lines then letting go, a few lines later. But, I get the context of it all.
lines like "glasses clink" are just this beautiful scenery type places that just excavate a deeper meaning. Good, man. |
05-06-2015, 09:06 PM | #3 |
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
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Night feels saintly, divine. And when the vigor is felt
I take up the suicide mission meant to figure me out that was a sexy fuckin rhyme, Julian Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society that was cool. overall I thought it was well-written. The overall composition was distinctly you, in terms of the authorial persona you've fostered on this site. One complaint I'd lodge (loge?) against your writing is that you're so very sparingly personal with the reader. I suppose it's just another characteristic of writers in general, for the writer's tone/ mood can really be extracted from any bit of writing. But I really don't mean that you fail to build a viewpoint in which to exhibit your verses, more that it's a weirdly transparent process at times. You let the reader see how you are working to build the framework for your world and your themes, the technical skill is on display but the allure is gone. It's like the magician is presenting his tricks rather than performing them all the technical details were very good
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05-08-2015, 01:38 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
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A sense of nothing is limiting - constrained when defined
By the placement of rhymes..... shaping my lines Night feels saintly, divine. You have a style that is unique yours, it is perceptible by its delicate sense of phraseology. The principal constituents have a makeup consisting between shades of the darkest minute detailing possible accompanied with a serenity of sorts, due to the eloquence of your words. Nonetheless, hidden in the midst of the magniloquence lies a knack for coloring the scenes with a grim tone, almost as if a fallen angel or some kind of heart broken nobleman, who has become enraptured by the smallest details of a scene, even down to its inertia. In fact, it is your insistence to capture the inertia that sometimes makes what your capture inherently have a stilted effect on its direction, as well as the full attention of the readers. Anyways, I did enjoy this. There were quite a few lines, I had quite a blast reading. Thank you. |
05-15-2015, 02:23 PM | #5 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
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I really enjoyed this..the technical aspect of this was smooth
the usage of vocab the flow of the concept was on point Glasses clink, we're laughing quick to depart from sobriety Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society ^^^ I was like whaaat.. you are growing into your own writer now and it's cool keep writing my dude, I'll keep reading
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