2 Zygote vs. 3 Red Glare [Red Glare Advances 5-2]

[Adonis]

Glare will begin Minus One Full vote...This is lenient considering you cast zero votes.

**Zygote can Waive Penalty if desired**

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SUNDAY 6/17 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due MONDAY 6/18 at 11:59 PST.

You must vote on EVERY OTHER battle available... I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote.

While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other.
There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING.

Voting ends THURSDAY 6/21 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.


NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: "Poking Holes In Theory's"

G/L @Red glare @zygote

[Red glare]

Epilogue

1972



Dr. Fu Zhan sat stone faced in his rocking chair, pondering at the pond.
A young woman had visited him with Cancer, and she was too chronic to be calm.
He looked at the water, meditating, underneath a shadow of flocking swans -
Dr. Fu Zhan was dazzled by this American Woman, of long legs and locks of blond..
He listened on... nod......nod and..... nod
She had been recommended to him; by Doctor John Q
A doctor amongst doctors - "A modern job"..
..
Dr. Fu Zhan was a man of miracles; he who worked, to the bong of gongs,
Divine Intervention from, the powers that be, from the cosmic beyond.
. .
He saw a stump covered in moss and mushrooms rotten from storms, rotten to the core; dislodged,
And thought of his porch - built of its corpse, mahogany, so far gone from it's decomposited form...
.
High in the mountains of Taiwan, in the swirl of the oxygen swarms
High in the mist of the heavens, where the Oxen is born
Stood a young woman - reciting the scriptures from her pocket Koran;
She wanted to 'win her last marathon' before she trotted along...

Doctors in the states said it was ‘’improbable’’

Impossible was not option for Mom..
..
.
The village consoled our family, at an altitude that distorted the sobs.
Hawks crying over the chorus of psalms
Dr. Fu Zhan knew of a healing method, that yesterdays world had forgotten -
forgot...
Medical magic, with a doctrine from God
No diagnostic.
No wand..
No cancerous tumor in the bloody-clutch of sterile operative tongs.
He performs his ultrasound - listening to the body for the throbbing - the clog;
Then pokes a hole in the skin like Halloween, sheets, ghosts, goblins and RAAGhH!
The shock, of the electrical impulse causes the meter-to-teeter-totter-and-wobb
Overwhelmed with such stimulus, her lungs fumigate, with toxic smog,
Exhaling cancer, dragon breath chars the logs.....
..
.
Dr Fu Zhan walks over to the stump he'd seen before and claws at the bark with a sword of bronze and dabs the sap running out with a cotton swab.
As he turns around - the cured woman crosses the finish line - in an accomplished jog.

Acupuncture

Poking holes, in theory, unstops the block..
When against all odds - detox responds


QI

[zygote]

SHORT LECTURE: DECAY OF B-MESONS INTO DIMUONS.
Circa 2011 - A meson is a composite particle class,
It’s formed from a strange quark and any anti-quark counterpart.
Every meson composite must obey the laws of quantum mechanics,
Meaning the two parts only orbit each other with specific paths and dynamics,
Their orbits correspond to their mass and can be predicted with mathematics,
Specifically, a B-meson contains the lightest types of anti-quark attachments,
Combined with the B-meson quark itself which is 5 times heavier than a proton and classified as massive.
“Why is this important? What is all this initial information trying to establish?”
It’s important because anti-matter B-mesons do not naturally occur,
Only in high energy colliders can they be actually observed.
This is referred to as baryon asymmetry, a universal imbalance,
The Big Bang should have produced an equal amount of baryonic interactions,
However, the amount of matter is far greater than its antimatter companions,
The current standard model can’t explain why this happened.
At CERN the large hadron collider fires away,
To create B-mesons and study its decay into dimuon interplay,
B-meson creation results in a huge impact from this tiny decay,
Creation of a mini-black hole that exists for 10 picoseconds of delay.
10 picoseconds is the time it took after the Big Bang for all particles to separate,
And it is the time it took for all known occurring anti-matter to degenerate.
This B-meson observation was significant. It contradicted the standard model of physics,
The first time a charge polarity violation had been consistently witnessed.
These observations show B-meson decay is not as rare as the standard model predicts,
Studying B-meson decay can lead to discovery of what the specific mechanism is.
It’s like looking at the surface of a lake, to detect a proverbial lochness beneath,
Watching the waves for the faint ripples released from the breath of the beast.
The standard model is like the other fish, disturbing the surface every deviation and shift,
B-mesons are not like the other fish. In terms of creating ripples they just don’t exist.
Amazing isn’t it?
We live in a world compromised entirely of matter, observation and tools,
The standard model is dominant, then B-mesons come along and don’t play by the rules.

[Nigma]

Red, really really enjoyed the verse. A solid, vivid, and very visual introduction to the verse and character, first mention of the marathon metaphor, then the climax portion of the verse, my favourite section:

"The village consoled our family, at an altitude that distorted the sobs.
Hawks crying over the chorus of psalms
Dr. Fu Zhan knew of a healing method, that yesterdays world had forgotten -
forgot...
Medical magic, with a doctrine from God
No diagnostic.
No wand..
No cancerous tumor in the bloody-clutch of sterile operative tongs.
He performs his ultrasound - listening to the body for the throbbing - the clog;
Then pokes a hole in the skin like Halloween, sheets, ghosts, goblins and RAAGhH!
The shock, of the electrical impulse causes the meter-to-teeter-totter-and-wobb
Overwhelmed with such stimulus, her lungs fumigate, with toxic smog,
Exhaling cancer, dragon breath chars the logs....."

Imagery in this section was next level. Describing acupuncture in the fearful way a first time patient may perceive it to be. The bolded part was probably my favourite part of the verse. Hit hard. Solid closer, nice verse.

Zygote. I found this to be very interesting. If there is a documentary that inspired this particular piece, perhaps you could PM it to me promptly for my viewing pleasure. I felt you took a more storytelling approach of informative presentation, especially in terms of rhyme scheme which was regularly placed second to precise wording. It gives the piece of a very intelligent tone, however sacrifices the potential benefits an intricately smooth read can offer. After the read I was entertained and genuinely intrigued by the subject matter, especially having read space articles recently about antimatter (although I don't remember much about them). Although I really enjoyed the verse, looking back, no part in particular stands out being memorable, and I feel was not exactly an accurate display of all the components of your writing ability.

Going to go with Red with his more rounded display of writing abilities, Zygote had an enjoyable and informative verse with interesting subject matter but would be better suited for an OM drop imo. Both had terrific conceptual directions from the topic and both were enjoyable reads.

+1 Red Glare

[Adonis]

Threads close tomorrow 6pm pacific west

Vote or lose

[Soulstice]

red glare - flow was tight. didnt like the use of the word chronic in the opening bars though. the topic was flipped interestingly, it kept me going and i guess the literal take on it in the end was nice, and being lead to thinking it was some supernatural method that would cure her until we find its acupuncture. the deceit was done nicely. the character development was pretty cool too, between the mother and the doctor, and the marathon bit, a lot was done to them in a very small amount of space

zygote - ok. so you wrote about particles, and how that there exists certain particles that dont play by the rules and how strange that is. a quick google search shows you know what youre talking about which is impressive in its own right, but once it comes down it i just wasnt remotely enthralled. i was looking for a metaphor like in ur paperclip piece which i really enjoyed but i just couldnt find one. "amazing isnt it" i guess, but id rather be lectured on the subtleties rather than have them rhymed to me in a forum which allows for any sort of topic to be discussed.

v - red glare, solely for enjoyment value although i think his technical aspects were also better.

[Adonis]

2-0 glare

Will vote tonight. And were moving on

[NYCSPITZ]

dope battle, really impressed by red glare's verse here. Dope style with a sick twist and nice eastern flow to the doctor. Really gave your boy a nice aura and the wording was slick dawg. Zygote I liked your verse, always been interested in the large hadron collider @ CERN and various theories surrounding the discoveries there. The clear winner this time was red glare, his story had more emotion, creativity and suspense. Thanks for writing dudes

[Adonis]

Glare - To me this verse was decent. The rhyming was good, but the bars them selves were so different in length that it did disrupt my flow. But, like I said, the rhyme schemes were there. Everything else was pretty nice, I can't complain about the verse. You used the topic literally, and built a character from it which is nice, I always loved good ol' fashioned character build up. All in all, nothing to write home about, but a decent verse none the less.

Zy - I loved this verse. The reading as literature, aside from it being just a "rap topical" if you will, was very intriguing and informative. The viasuals from the entire verse were very strong. You gave me many images, and swarmed many thoughts into my noggin. I loved this verse, but... It was just too preachy to me. The writing itself is not preachy, I think, lecture is a better word, but it was just too over the top. I appreciate the extreme flip on the concept, the intellect condensed into a rather fluid format of rhyme while holding the highest level of depth as far as "meat" of a verse. But again, it was just too over the top. This was a classic "Topical" in a sense, yet this type of verse, twist on a concept and direcetion are all before there time.

Vote - Glare. had something more relatable and played to my preference slightly more.

Red. Your verse was good. I enjoyed the story of the writing much more than I did any if the technical writing abilities in your verse. I had to stop a lot because of the rhyme scheme and flow was off in my opinion. I did enjoy the story a lot tho so good job

Z. Loved this. Loved everything about this verse. The story in verse was intriguing and I was never thrown off by any of the flow or rhyme schemes.

Both were good imo. I just enjoyed 1 quite a lot more than another.

V/ Zygote

[Adonis]

Thank you Crank

3-2 Glare after assessed penalty

[Coup]

Red Glare-

Nice opening, very nice follow up stanzas that came after...I felt the mood and place you created with the care you took to establish a time, space and the people in that world.

I was tbh confused if the American Women was this women:

Stood a young woman - reciting the scriptures from her pocket Koran;

I don't know, because does a typical blonde haired American woman recite from a Koran ? Or is this woman from Taiwan.

it is at this point the story compounded and fractured for me...not enough clarity for me to follow.

Who's the mom ? What happened to the American women if she was in fact not the woman reading the Koran ? This split left me vexed.

Good structure, an otherwise good story and nice characters...all three of them...Who was Dr. Q ?

Lot's of plot holes in this...and if you mention something in a story like this it better be used to an action to drive and concluded the plot. I know you know this.

Overall I like this story. Especially your use of topic and how you did a real good job putting that spin on it...with a literal representation as we saw with the doctor doing acupuncture. great job there.

As Vulgar may say, "Keep doing you".


Zygote-

Well then. Very real props to you to understand the totality of a real theory and be able to spit it in a way that flows with a tight rhyme cadence. Nice job. Problem for me though was it was to text book and too technical for me to follow in any way that would give me enjoyment of reading a topical...while don't take this as a negative, I say this because 2/3 of your written lacked what you gave us in the last 1/3, which was symbolism to help illustrate and bring this alive for the reader.

For example, in the last 1/3 of the verse, after much technical babel, you give us a nice line:

t’s like looking at the surface of a lake, to detect a proverbial lochness beneath,
Watching the waves for the faint ripples released from the breath of the beast.

You see how this works better ? Followed by:

The standard model is like the other fish, disturbing the surface every deviation and shift,
B-mesons are not like the other fish. In terms of creating ripples they just don’t exist.

Then you concluded with the point you really wanted to make;

Amazing isn’t it?
We live in a world compromised entirely of matter, observation and tools,
The standard model is dominant, then B-mesons come along and don’t play by the rules.

Yeah, I guess it's sorta amazing, really. But I felt you wasted to much of this written going about saying and portraying this theory as 'Amazing" in the wrong way...Show me, don't just explain and tell me. Use more symbols and abstract thought, which would contrast well with the science babble.

Persuade me this is amazing, and how and why I should care in the context of the world I live in...I felt you started to get their toward the end in the lines I quoted




1+ Red Glare.

[Mike Wrecka]

ya this was a dope battle. two very different verses. but in the end it was close.

red glare- I thought your take on the topic was rather brilliant tbh. your format looks ugly if that makes any sense. but it reads quite beautifully. you had the perfect vibe and cadence, I really envisioned a remote mountainous village with some monk doctor guy healing people. all very calming, and your verse read in a very calm matter. I enjoyed it. the broken up stanzas in some spots slightly hurt it but in some other spots really moved the story along bringing things full circle. that last stanza you changed the tone of the piece in a way that didn't suit it.

Then pokes a hole in the skin like Halloween, sheets, ghosts, goblins and RAAGhH!
The shock, of the electrical impulse causes the meter-to-teeter-totter-and-wobb

I hated that line. seemed very out of place. the rest was A plus


zygote = a sick verse. the way it was constructed was next level. the structure top notch. flowed very smoothly. impressive. but that being said, I didn't connect with the piece like I did Reds, and you used a lot of techno and science babble that went way over my head. felt like I was in a quantum physics class and that's not good. if it wasn't for the incredible flow and excellent end rhymes it would have been tough to get through. but you made it readable. even though it was boring. im a big fan of your verses but this round

vote- Red Glare

[Adonis]

5-2 Glare Advances

Good run Zygote

You losing in the quarterfinals is a testament to the deep talent this league has produced brother

Real talk