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Old 06-04-2013, 08:46 PM   #1
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Default Round one: Adonis vs. IAmBenT [Bent wins 6-3]

THERE WILL BE ZERO NO SHOWS...So if you do write a ten line no show verse live with the loss when a random alternate comes in and beats you..FY motherfucking I!!

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 6/8 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 6/9 at 11:59 PST.


You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week. I am much less lenient on this rule then Keith, so please vote.

While there's no absolute criteria for voting, 1 line votes and criminally underdeveloped ones won't be allowed. I will holler via private message if I think a vote of yours isn't up to snuff and you'll be allowed to develop it, as long as you do it within the deadline. At a minimum, you should aim to include what you liked and what you didn't like (if anything) about each verse as well as an explanation towards why you thought one verse was better than the other.
There is NO RECYCLING.BITING.GHOSTWRITING.

Voting ends TUESDAY 6/11 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.


NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: Incoming...


Selected by Mike Wrecka


Good luck to both participants @IamBenT
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Old 06-04-2013, 08:47 PM   #2
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Rule Change...Mods start every battle +10 votes I win

;)
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:26 PM   #3
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haha long time coming for this match. very honored. Checking in.
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:04 AM   #4
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Default A Horse With No Name

We thirsted, accursed and worthless, upon the journey's first leg
Our terse sweat traversed wet across our worried, burnt heads
This horse and I, on a course to die under the desert blaze
For, by misfortune, my extortion try bought me fetters, chains
And if I had a son, I would have this wisdom to bestow:
“Never rob from those above who do not pity those below”...

...Despite the dry death, my eyes met the sly vets alive yet
From ***ti plant life to high-swept buzzards who, I bet
Never waste a morsel, …. and when a scorpion races towards you,
You pray this horse'll ignore that black stinging face of sure doom
If only these chains could melt like sand in a glass
With these restraints, I'm held, not standing a chance
And since three days passed like a sigh between lips,
The heat remains the blister of a dying phoenix...

Unending and relentless.. just then this dry riverbed
Reminded me that the life inside of me dribbled dead
As my mind's flicker ebbs, sparks of clarity are quicker sent..
What is it to exist? And can a criminal ever repent?
What is sin? These thoughts sing amidst sandy innocence
That forgets every desperate print this horse'll sadly press...

And on the ninth day, tounge as dry as rice cake,
I fly, face down to taste brown grit and pray for my life's sake
That my plight break, and a light shake this life to the next
Frantic to crack this shackle and bash it right to the neck
Every breath is like a knife to the chest, but as I fight this duress..

I realize I'm baptized in..a mightier sweat? This can't be correct..
I smell.. the SEA! A breeze beyond belief sweeps me to my feet
I see the greenest tree, viridian beads that feed underneath
An aquamarine bleeding onto the beach, healing with heaves
I'm screaming with glee! Feeling relief, gorging and guzzling
This desert sea is like a city... gorgeous and bustling..
Redemption! I'm sent to warm joy from cold shame
A sacrifice made by a horse with no name...


The solitude of the sand, the lonely flow of the ocean
Remind me of who I am in its holy torrent of motion
This picture that sits above the steel medical bed
I stare.. till it blares out, and peels, tentacles red
And I'm gone... again from the “desert” to warm “sea”
Kid downstairs, paid him 20 to warn me..
Ride that “horse” for a few, then it's back to the dull...
Until I rave, as the crave hits the crack of my skull
And Deep in my addict's heart, I seek the cathedral window..
And pray each ride is the last.. that it will collapse..
… like the vein I jam the needle into.
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Old 06-10-2013, 08:55 PM   #5
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Default




I'm split, Torn with a thorn in the side,
Visualizing thoughts; vivid porn in each rhyme,
A perplexed sojourn in mind, nimbly striking key's,
Thought provokes chivalry as I'm writing out this beat,
A hum and a whistle; a skipping stone thrown at a picture,
A most confused muse when knowledge has grown into ripples,
Reaching uncharted depths where writing feeds a ravenous soul,
And the apex is met by gathering accolades from the matter composed,
The hook, line and sinker is the dust storm covering roads,
But I've the cognizance to turn back when the path is exposed,
I posses too much soul for poems, and rap is merely for fun,
So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark,
Or play coy, and send sporadic kisses when clouds part?
I've grown from a bud, sprouted freely in this dream-scape,
The best of both worlds, “Heaven on Earth” is cliché,
I'm well fed in summer rays, my limbs bask on the beach,
The waves sooth my roots as fish devour sap released,
I'm relaxed on beat, a cool breeze in summers eve,
A tranquil verbalist with depth beneath a coral reef,
No story told, no character built from the sand of time,
No twisted plot or killer rhyme, Just swimming thoughts combined,
A dusty dialect or sandy slang; My toolbox will never change,
I build castles using calligraphy, a foreign colloquy exchange,
My currency’s' my words, constructing Disneyland with spit,
A habitual linguist, where monetary value rushes under the bridge,
I exist...Purposefully, I dangle, a covered canvas,
A story told, a vision wrote, a man composed these lovely stanzas,

If rain is food, then pouring sweat into verse is a feast,
And I'll indulge, until my papyrus...
Is a song...in hand written ink.
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:28 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IamBenT View Post
We thirsted, accursed and worthless, upon the journey's first leg
Our terse sweat traversed wet across our worried, burnt heads
This horse and I, on a course to die under the desert blaze
For, by misfortune, my extortion try bought me fetters, chains
And if I had a son, I would have this wisdom to bestow:
“Never rob from those above who do not pity those below”...

Solid intro, chill schemes with some nice internals, good mood setter capped off with a thought provoking quote

...Despite the dry death, my eyes met the sly vets alive yet
Rhymes felt forced here
From ***ti plant life to high-swept buzzards who, I bet
Never waste a morsel, …. and when a scorpion races towards you,
You pray this horse'll ignore that black stinging face of sure doom
Nice this was better, gained some momentum with those last 3 lines. Smooth transition and some nice visuals
If only these chains could melt like sand in a glass
With these restraints, I'm held, not standing a chance
And since three days passed like a sigh between lips,
The heat remains the blister of a dying phoenix...
Good attempt at the finishing line, coulda have polished it out to rhyme better imo but wasn't awful

Unending and relentless.. just then this dry riverbed
Reminded me that the life inside of me dribbled dead
As my mind's flicker ebbs, sparks of clarity are quicker sent..
What is it to exist? And can a criminal ever repent?
What is sin? These thoughts sing amidst sandy innocence
That forgets every desperate print this horse'll sadly press...

A bit of plot progession I suppose, nothing noteworthy, good or bad. Pretty average stanza, don't mean that in a bad way

And on the ninth day, tounge as dry as rice cake,
I fly, face down to taste brown grit and pray for my life's sake
That my plight break, and a light shake this life to the next
Frantic to crack this shackle and bash it right to the neck
Every breath is like a knife to the chest, but as I fight this duress..

I realize I'm baptized in..a mightier sweat? This can't be correct..
I smell.. the SEA! A breeze beyond belief sweeps me to my feet
I see the greenest tree, viridian beads that feed underneath
An aquamarine bleeding onto the beach, healing with heaves
I'm screaming with glee! Feeling relief, gorging and guzzling
This desert sea is like a city... gorgeous and bustling..
Redemption! I'm sent to warm joy from cold shame
A sacrifice made by a horse with no name...

Excellent description of the sea, but felt the character finally finding the water fell slightly anticlimactic


The solitude of the sand, the lonely flow of the ocean
Remind me of who I am in its holy torrent of motion
This picture that sits above the steel medical bed
I stare.. till it blares out, and peels, tentacles red
And I'm gone... again from the “desert” to warm “sea”
Kid downstairs, paid him 20 to warn me..
Ride that “horse” for a few, then it's back to the dull...
Until I rave, as the crave hits the crack of my skull
And Deep in my addict's heart, I seek the cathedral window..
And pray each ride is the last.. that it will collapse..
… like the vein I jam the needle into.
Didn't see that ending coming, props for surprising me with that one. Really liked some of the descriptions used throughout, did well painting pictures of the beach, the ocean, and things associated with both. The aquamarine line and scorpion images stuck with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adonis View Post



I'm split, Torn with a thorn in the side,
Visualizing thoughts; vivid porn in each rhyme,
I'm fond of this intro
A perplexed sojourn in mind, nimbly striking key's,
Thought provokes chivalry as I'm writing out this beat,
I looked up sojour and learned a new word, thank you.
A hum and a whistle; a skipping stone thrown at a picture,
A most confused muse when knowledge has grown into ripples,
Reaching uncharted depths where writing feeds a ravenous soul,
And the apex is met by gathering accolades from the matter composed,
The hook, line and sinker is the dust storm covering roads,
But I've the cognizance to turn back when the path is exposed,
I posses too much soul for poems, and rap is merely for fun,
So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark,
Or play coy, and send sporadic kisses when clouds part?
I've grown from a bud, sprouted freely in this dream-scape,
The best of both worlds, “Heaven on Earth” is cliché,
I'm well fed in summer rays, my limbs bask on the beach,
The waves sooth my roots as fish devour sap released,
I'm relaxed on beat, a cool breeze in summers eve,
A tranquil verbalist with depth beneath a coral reef,
This line stayed with me for some reason, liked the 'tranquil verbalist' in it.
No story told, no character built from the sand of time,
No twisted plot or killer rhyme, Just swimming thoughts combined,
A dusty dialect or sandy slang; My toolbox will never change,
I build castles using calligraphy, a foreign colloquy exchange,
My currency’s' my words, constructing Disneyland with spit,
A habitual linguist, where monetary value rushes under the bridge,
I exist...Purposefully, I dangle, a covered canvas,
A story told, a vision wrote, a man composed these lovely stanzas,

If rain is food, then pouring sweat into verse is a feast,
And I'll indulge, until my papyrus...
Is a song...in hand written ink.
Adonis, very poetic, each line seemed to radiate depth and meaning. The Disneyland reference had me scratching my head, I don't understand the correlation. Ending was alright, I don't think it was quite as 'profound' as it could have been, wasn't crazy hard hitting but got the job done. Overall this felt more like a freewrite, perhaps time was a factor. I didn't pick up on much progression of the story, but your thought provoking lines made it interesting nonetheless.

The Prognosis
-Adonis, you came with your standard well thought out lines, however I felt you could have spent more time brainstorming before writing to establish a better direction for the verse, and more some time just polishing up the rhyme scheme a bit. It didn't take away from the verse but it could have read a bit smoother then it did. Aside from that you provided an interesting read.
-Bent I enjoyed your rhyme scheme throughout. It was a smooth foundation for your story, which although I found a bit predictable, you did a fairly good job employing imagery to define your verse, at the end of the day I felt more drawn to yours after the read because of that.

+1 Bent
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:19 PM   #7
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IamBent: Fuck, the beauty in this verse is magnificent. The flow is on point and the rhymesceme technical but yet easy to read. The storyline progresses well and there's no hiccups that can I see in terms of your verse. As it's getting closer to the end it seems like your verse takes a drastic turn, at times it was rather hard to figure out what you were going for as I understood it was his feelings you were talking about but the last lines wraps it up nicely. Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Quote:
I realize I'm baptized in..a mightier sweat? This can't be correct..
I smell.. the SEA! A breeze beyond belief sweeps me to my feet
I see the greenest tree, viridian beads that feed underneath
An aquamarine bleeding onto the beach, healing with heaves
I'm screaming with glee! Feeling relief, gorging and guzzling
This desert sea is like a city... gorgeous and bustling..
Redemption! I'm sent to warm joy from cold shame
A sacrifice made by a horse with no name...
Loved this section as well.

Adonis: When I started reading this I wondered where the fuck you were going with it. I mostly dislike the shit out of verses that got talks about writing etc. in it. But I was delighted to learn that this was an amazing piece. Seems to me that in your verse you describe the nature of writing, basicly what Sage Francis says in one of his songs describes your approach; ''this is poems vs. better raps''.

Seriously, I REALLY dug this shit;

Quote:
A hum and a whistle; a skipping stone thrown at a picture,
A most confused muse when knowledge has grown into ripples,
Reaching uncharted depths where writing feeds a ravenous soul,
And the apex is met by gathering accolades from the matter composed,
The hook, line and sinker is the dust storm covering roads,
But I've the cognizance to turn back when the path is exposed,
I posses too much soul for poems, and rap is merely for fun,
So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
That along with the picture was really well done.

Vote: IamBent posted a really dope verse and stayed on topic while conveying a great story about a man with an addiction and his emotional journey as he gets towards his next fix, and Adonis took a creative approach as well by writing a piece that talks about his views on poems vs raps in text-form.

Overall I felt IamBent had the better story, but there was more elegance and enjoyable approach in Adonis's verse imo. I've read both stories 2-3 times and it's SERIOUSLY close, but I'm sad to say I am leaning towards Adonis in this match IamBent, I hope you hold no grudge against me, lmfao.

But word, this shit was close as fuck and could go either way but I got to give @Adonis the vote for an overall more enjoyable and well crafted verse with a creative approach imho.

Battle of the titans, hah!
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Last edited by Objective; 06-11-2013 at 11:22 PM.
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Old 06-12-2013, 02:36 AM   #8
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Preferred Adonis writing to IamBenT's in this instance. It feels like Adonis better captured the duality of the image, e.g., " Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark," great contrasting of different language to evoke response. IamBenT's was also a well crafted story but it felt like (excluding perhaps the conclusion section) it lacked this aspect of duality that Adonis writing had. Voting for Adonis.
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Old 06-12-2013, 05:38 AM   #9
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iambent - opened real hard. real.. real throughout. can't really offer any bits of criticism. i do see a lot of insight here though. the situation a criminal/addict may find his or her self in, or.. one who doesn't cut it out will be in one way or the other - not often explored from this perspective. a bit melancholy while refreshingly cut and dry. definitely enjoyed the approach, rhymes, and mechanics. i took the red tentacles as iv's.. ending with a feen dying in the operating table.
favorite lines..
I'm screaming with glee! Feeling relief, gorging and guzzling
This desert sea is like a city... gorgeous and bustling..
Redemption! I'm sent to warm joy from cold shame
A sacrifice made by a horse with no name...

i love that song, but you gave the phrase your own twist here
and i fucking felt it.
to recap.. original song..

After nine days, I let the horse run free,
'Cause the desert had turned to sea.
There were plants and birds, and rocks and things,
There was sand and hills and rings.
The ocean is a desert, with it's life underground,
And a perfect disguise above.
Under the cities lies, a heart made of ground,
But the humans will give no love.


oh god, does that ever reflect on your point. our addiction is a product of our misfortune. but we ride both into the same bits of sand, which are taken back into the ocean, by nature. power.. beating against reason, "baptized by a mightier sweat," molding life into a product of nature. that's real, that's irrefutable. i think looking at this piece as a whole opened my eyes up.
personally, i don't think the lyrics or story behind a song/movie inspiring a piece should be excluded from votes if they can be related to the main topic. and i've listened to that song many, many, many times.

i never understood it as well before today, but never really reviewed it. in a way, you were pointing out how the picture topic could be from the originals booklet, and expanding. did i mention it was written by "america?" just checking... cuz that opens up a larger metaphor the entire piece plays into.
derp. anyway, i thoroughly enjoyed a song i know quite well explained by a piece i relate to immensely. wonderful. really.

adonis - how to throw a skipping stone? iono. snatch a flat rock between a seven and eight count.. that moment in time, "thrown at a picture." my aspirations. enjoyed the abstract wording throughout.
"And the apex is met by gathering accolades from the matter composed,"
You just dick slapped that picture with that phrase. Hah. only way i could say that.
accolade (2.)
a light touch on the shoulder with the flat side of the sword or formerly by an embrace, done in the ceremony of conferring knighthood.
hoping we knew this word for "award" also meant "^".
So in a way.. the words you've used here, we're explaining the farthest depth of the piece at an appropriate point in its development. now.. into your observations..
I posses too much soul for poems, and rap is merely for fun,
So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark,
Or play coy, and send sporadic kisses when clouds part?


Alright. So here, you're delving into your main observations as a writer, or artists. however, i detect an influence at odds with its production. here. feel me? what we see is who we are. who were are, is what we write.. but what we write, is wholly dependent, on the energy we're able to take in from our influences.. which is in turn.. dependent on the state of our understanding, which in turn relates to the atmosphere our influences are able to give us energy from... .. hah. too hard to explain. but i feel you, deep down, in the pit of my stomache. i get what you're saying.

in my honest opinion. you did a really fucking good job of eloquently explaining your motives as a writer. perhaps even, your inspirations. but i didn't grasp from this a strong enough point to say this wonderfully worded piece undoubtedly won.

No twisted plot or killer rhyme, Just swimming thoughts combined,

FUCK i wish you had a twisted plot in with these killer rhymes. i just.. couldn't detect it, if it was there.

/v bent- if i were of the opinion.. "a piece stands alone.." i would give this to adonis. but i'm not.
i want to vote adonis. i do. but i can't. i drew too much from what i know, where bent turned me onto some observation i couldn't have made myself and related it to some other shit.
because, well. our intellects are products of our environment. and i've imagined riding a horse with no name before.
it just wasn't ever quite this interesting.

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Old 06-12-2013, 09:08 AM   #10
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2-2 tie

Some great fucking votes here. Boys, appreciate

As its playoffs all battle will hopefully have 2 vote differential at the least.
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Old 06-12-2013, 04:40 PM   #11
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ok my vote is gonna be on the quick side very sorry fellas but better then nothing. BOTW by the way . awesome stuff.

Iambent- this was a great story. I felt the journey it took me on. your imagery was sharp and I was able to visualize everything you said. at first I was thinking why is he only talking about the desert , but when the traveler reached the sea it made everything clear and made for what I think was a fantastic take on the topic. one I definitely would not have thought of. you use bars a little longer then I like reading, but read or spoke slowly it sounds really good. great end rhymes. I was impressed. my favorite verse of yours that I have read so far. my one complaint, I didn't like the ending. it was a twist, and ive been known to use twists myself, but I didn't like the twist. almost like ummm none of it was real. it was all a hallucination. because I was really connecting to this traveler and the hardship he went through, and then I found out it was all fake shattering that connection.



Adonis - your take on the topic was also an excellent one. although once again rather cryptic at first. some people enjoy reading and trying to figure out what your talking about like solving a riddle but personally im not a fan of that. you have the shorter bars that I do enjoy reading. you had the better flow, but you didn't have as good end rhymes as bent did. overall I really felt no connection to this piece. it didn't draw me in. that being said it was beautifully written and a great display of talent. that's why I said battle of the week. because even though I didn't fully connect with it I do respect the piece from a technical standpoint. I was impressed with this as well

your both great writers and this is an excellent battle between two competitors that could have even both made the final, in the end only one can win and for me bents storytelling was superior here

vote-bent
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Old 06-12-2013, 11:42 PM   #12
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Bent ; I don't see a horse in the picture. Maybe the road is where the horse gallops? I know horse also mean heroine. This verse came off a little spacey and trippy. Reminded me a little of the vibe of 'requiem for a dream'. The content -- IMHO wasn't all that unique -- in the sense -- was a little dry from my perspective. I've seen it done in previous weeks. Loses the effect --- All in all real solid verse with a great pace.

Adonis -- WTF were you doing? you came soft as fuck duke -- i saw the angle that could've won you the battle.

So the fine line between withering and full bloom depends on the sun
Will she scorch my leaves? Giving a fine char to my bark,
Or play coy, and send sporadic kisses when clouds part?
I've grown from a bud, sprouted freely in this dream-scape,
The best of both worlds, “Heaven on Earth” is cliché,

if you could've refined this approach with examples of each landscape - you could've had a great verse. Instead.

vote - IaMbENT
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Old 06-13-2013, 12:57 AM   #13
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Had Adonis, details later
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Old 06-13-2013, 01:05 AM   #14
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Bent uP - good descriptive work with a twist i appreciated at the end. though the desert on a horse with no name. it reminded me of stephen king's gunslinger. but to be fair roland deschain is not to be fucked with..

i disliked a lot of your verse instinctually based on the sloppy wording and intonation problems with your rhymes. it was like a strange accentuation was guiding your word choices and it made for a lot of awkward sounding descriptions. you pack in so much adjective content it becomes a forceful activity to follow. like, i dont want to go on a field trip for a guided tour in a museum.. fuck that i want to go on my off day and explore it myself. you dont have to spoonfeed anybody, let people have their own recognition

the withdrawal desert towards inebriate sea.

great conceptual direction but your execution was sloppy at best imo



don dotta

immediately felt myself drawn into this. started a bit fuzzy but you usually managed to direct your thought process into a single stream that encapsulated the best of both worlds as a blanketing idea i could run with. i think you may have gone astray at times and sort of lost yourself in the poetic justice. its easy to do..

i thought you had a better rhythmic jump. i never felt strained reading through, and your descriptions contained more impact for this reason..i wish i had time to break both of these down more thoroughly.

you had a lot of summery orange spray-tan scenery but i wish there was more juxtaposition between your focal points.. duality is the obvious course to run but there has to be a dedication to an original deconstruction of that concept. this deconstruction is where you guys differed, and i personally felt that adonis took this match-up rather easily

/ ADONIS
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:13 PM   #15
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IamBent had better rhymes to me, came real hard on that aspect. i thought both were conceptually pretty played but iambent strung me along (no pun intended) much better although the ending was a letdown, i thought the imagery in both was strong, however i thought iambent used the visual metaphor to his advantage more adequately, so vote

v/iambent
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:14 PM   #16
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Bent - Very awesome piece man, really enjoyed the read. The only negatives I have are sometimes your wording was slightly awkward at the end rhyme, although I found how you constructed the lines in general to be very well done. The only other negative is that there were some unnecessary lines, not badly written, just lines I thought you could have done without. Ok now the minor criticisms are out of the way, I can get positive lol There were a lot more positive aspects to this piece than negative. I thought the concept in general was pretty cool, didn't see the twist coming at the end, you wrote to the picture well and told your story with a natural writing voice. Very smooth for the most part, and some impressive internal rhymes, you used some awesome words and your imagery was probably for me the best thing about this piece. Great piece man.

Adonis -

One of my favourite writers in the league tbh I do think you came weaker than normal here though. It was a very well written and interesting piece, with a lot of dope quoteable lines, but I think it was a bit too basic at times, the rhymes were a little forced from time to time which knocked the flow off, although for the most part if was okay, you wrote well to the picture...your piece seemed to end abrubtly but it was a very enjoyable read. Props dude.

Gonna have to give this to the dude I just thought came a bit stronger on the day.

Vote - IAmBent
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Old 06-13-2013, 05:07 PM   #17
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6-3 Bent wins
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