04-18-2015, 12:29 AM | #1 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
trust me, babe
the moment was so existentialist. I brought 3 apples.
one for the both of us. & 1 for the road if it comes up I suppose we could split it undisclosed disposition. hanging from the hammock ropes in the stitching. there was hope, for half-robed demolition bungalow; almost out of a dream- quite a bit intensive fictitious; in the sense, paints peeling from white picket fences Strange feeling, in front of the mowed lawn in between the solstice of summer and spring molded from the cumbersome explosions you’d bring love when she hands me her half bitten apple - as if it comes with an asterisk. an ad-lib example, of italics in the back of the index take a bite out of the apple or take a bite out of me fall in love in the castle. fall in drown to the sounds of the sea comparisons to the moon - thought were drastically measured but noticed high tide receded sunrise where my gravity centered upset. I bite my lips till’ blood spills in the battlefront mist not to inflict pain, but deflect the traces of that dispassionate kiss teeth marks turn into tattoos covering the mistakes from the past the china vase that bloomed flowers, but shattered, is only serrated as glass like lately i feel, sort of amazing. yet displaced and unreal, unsanctioned revealed. abated. idealistic adulation unveiled. just waiting unrelated, too anxious to seal the tiny indiscreet places unfilled out on the rock, by the creek. placing your hand on my cheek detached since forever. you help me make these connections I seek never thought i’d be formal, but make me feel normal. at least.. enthralled in coercion, your neglect changed me overall as a person love was linear, so now i write love songs and sonnets in cursive despondent. subversive. tire swing made from your 91′ Cherokee jeep which showed me you still used parts from the past thrown away in the street connective to the stylus of the records through music created overuse of the grooves from the vinyl discarded my humanlike traits describing an incentive to twist, a sigh and a scent of distress its funny & sad, i write to remind myself to remember to live if you’re reading this right now, i probably need to reevaluate my resolve dissolve in the valium wake. retaliate from the maxims til’ i can barely walk i could barely talk. my adolescence consisted of wishing i died. living without really having lived, now i don’t even think im alive now even feeling a feeling is feeling contrived cause six feet seems like such a waste to shovel. just let the sediment dry Chesterfield smoke on Elmora and 5th, such a vivid annoyance beginning to fill my lungs with smoke, that i’ve come to avoid now i play villain cause i just simply enjoy it |
04-18-2015, 03:53 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,123
Battle Record: 1-1
Champed - Guerrilla writing league
Rep Power: 19240092 |
you should make that wish of dying come true for yourself, that's the only part that was worth reading
|
04-18-2015, 04:53 PM | #3 |
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,633
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Haiku Writers Challenge
Rep Power: 85899376 |
if you took the best lines Badii Ali ever wrote, put them all in one verse, and then edited them to make sense together, it would still be worse than the average open mic verse
__________________
|
04-18-2015, 07:34 PM | #4 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899406 |
Saying you feel "unsanctioned" is really great phrasing/word choice.
This was some pristine shit, through and through. Dem feels. Thanks for the read.
__________________
If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
04-18-2015, 08:29 PM | #5 |
neckties
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,629
Battle Record: 43-19
Champed - BA Cypher
- 1-2 Punch League
Rep Power: 20816224 |
This was a dope read, Props.
these were my favorite bars.. comparisons to the moon - thought were drastically measured but noticed high tide receded sunrise where my gravity centered out on the rock, by the creek. placing your hand on my cheek detached since forever. you help me make these connections I seek never thought i’d be formal, but make me feel normal. at least.. enthralled in coercion, your neglect changed me overall as a person love was linear, so now i write love songs and sonnets in cursive despondent. subversive. tire swing made from your 91′ Cherokee jeep which showed me you still used parts from the past thrown away in the street |
04-18-2015, 08:56 PM | #6 |
WOW
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,520
Battle Record: 29-25
Champed - Writing Challenge League I
Rep Power: 82779335 |
Ya this was really good. U should like this more often. Instead of ur usual random thoughts jumbled together. This was a coherent piece. Liked everything about it. A+
__________________
A.bove T.he R.est
|
04-24-2015, 12:52 AM | #7 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
teeth marks turn into tattoos covering the mistakes from the past
the china vase that bloomed flowers, but shattered, is only serrated as glass like lately i feel, sort of amazing. yet displaced and unreal, unsanctioned revealed. abated. idealistic adulation unveiled. just waiting unrelated, ^baby, stop being so fucking good, you. enthralled in coercion, your neglect changed me overall as a person love was linear, so now i write love songs and sonnets in cursive despondent. subversive. tire swing made from your 91′ Cherokee jeep which showed me you still used parts from the past thrown away in the street very good if you want some critical feed i didn't think "humanlike traits" worked. From a technical standpoint. I think you knew it too. I think you knew that was "pushing it." Lmao. Everything else- very impressive. |
04-24-2015, 02:49 PM | #8 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599678 |
lol I did spend time on that line. I went with human like traits as a more, off kilter line to build up the change of tone in the latter part of the verse. but you're right, I didn't think it fit but that's why I changed the tone.
|
04-24-2015, 03:00 PM | #9 |
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,633
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Haiku Writers Challenge
Rep Power: 85899376 |
Loooooool bb fag gay homo emo lmao lmaoo Lmaqooooooaoaoao FAG GET LAOLEMOOOOOOOOO
__________________
|
04-27-2015, 06:32 PM | #10 |
SYRACUSE
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,033
Battle Record: 31-37
Champed - Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament
Rep Power: 4743544 |
"the moment was so existentialist"
lmao fucking horrible, overly sweet with poetics and bad grammar as usual stop clicking ur own thread to get more views u dumb 0 confidence spic fagg0t
__________________
UNIFIED THEORY |
05-07-2015, 07:39 AM | #11 |
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,633
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Haiku Writers Challenge
Rep Power: 85899376 |
Very strong elements of some other writers in here. I liked it, though they felt like they were added as a nod to those writers & didn't seem to accomplish the same things that those writers use them for.
not to inflict pain, but deflect the traces of that dispassionate kiss teeth marks turn into tattoos covering the mistakes from the past the china vase that bloomed flowers, but shattered, is only serrated as glass like lately i feel, sort of amazing. yet displaced and unreal, unsanctioned revealed. abated. idealistic adulation unveiled. just waiting unrelated, too anxious to seal the tiny indiscreet places unfilled out on the rock, by the creek. placing your hand on my cheek detached since forever. you help me make these connections I seek never thought i’d be formal, but make me feel normal. at least.. enthralled in coercion, your neglect changed me overall as a person love was linear, so now i write love songs and sonnets in cursive despondent. subversive. tire swing made from your 91′ Cherokee jeep which showed me you still used parts from the past thrown away in the street The way you jump between ideas, visual details, and explanatory thoughts is really refreshing. It's more of a complete, wide-focused view than many writers manage.
__________________
|
05-15-2015, 02:02 PM | #12 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,022
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349678 |
This seemed like BB was on adderall
but honestly that don't matter dawg.. this is what happens when you had a thought kept it, instead of blabberin' on.. BB could stand for big boy now, because you made this coherent the flow and everything came together unlike your web appearance and it molded together creating a new synthesis of BB I guess thats what happens when that innocence can be free.. either way I felt like you took this to a whole new level for this..I will trust you, and play advocate for the devil nice work
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
Tags |
gumby bars, illiterate word usage, more like big sappy lmao, trust me im gay, wack lol |
|
|