the game of love

[Just Write]

Love.. is a voidless emotion,
Ive sat here poised and toyed with the notion
That maybe it's the thought of love..
...that's poison is potent.
I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost
Tossing and turning, yet yearning for love
A church on the hill, a silloquette of doves
Ive hugged this pillow tight, thoughts of you
on a yatcht at noon. Coffee for two
En-capsulated beauty, it's essence fulfilled
Crimson silk sheets meshed with a tinge of filth
Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic andthe scent of grilled onions
You said i feel something, i made a dirty joke
Then you returned with a wink & "yea, well i like to be choked"
I hardy spoke to you before that day of enticement
I lied to you about how marriage was priceless
She thought i was a caring gentleman, ever so nice
Til i inherited trust then embarrassed her rights
A harrowing plight, decieved this angel for a piece of ass
Then casted her away like she was a piece of trash
What a brash experience. like a book keeper beating the odds
But i was delerious, in thinking how i was playing a god
To pull at ones love strings is really a shame
But hell, when it comes to love i just love playing the game.

[Dove Dozer]

Dope verse fam. Multies were smoothe
Imagery was sick

[big baby]

Damn, this was good. Kinda upsetting ending :(. I like when people are nice, but this verse was nice. I don't really care about multies, or any of thatnonsense. If it reads well, then it fucking reads well. I think on a hip-hop based site, where the OM is ambiguous to all sorts of writing, we still have a shadow of hip-hop based writing and if it doesnt have multies it sucks. it's stupid, lol. anyway, this was good, really. I love the middle parts. IT just exudes a sort of, writing. As writers we all need to write to improve, and its pieces like these that make it worth our while when we think we suck ass. You're cool, man. Happy new years

[Exis]

Originally Posted by Just Write

Love.. is a voidless emotion,
Ive sat here poised and toyed with the notion
That maybe it's the thought of love..
...that's poison is potent.
I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost
Tossing and turning, yet yearning for love
A church on the hill, a silloquette of doves
Ive hugged this pillow tight, thoughts of you
on a yatcht at noon. Coffee for two
En-capsulated beauty, it's essence fulfilled
Crimson silk sheets meshed with a tinge of filth
Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic and the scent of grilled onions

^^Ill.

I've been a fan of your shit for a minute now and it's verses like this that back that up perfectly....you somehow seem to lace pieces with an incredible amount of wit with such ease that it makes me sick lol...the imagery in here is sweet as, paintin' pictures with words shouldn't be made to look so simple and yet you do it effortlessly and more importantly on a consistent basis...this was fire my friend, we should collaborate sometime.

Stay uppity.

[Coup]

cool concept, this work was on point


edit

Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic and the scent of grilled onions

This line was soposed to connect with descriptiveness inline with the mood of sex without strings, but fam, this was just off and gross.

[jdeek]

that's poison is potent...i read it a couple times and can't really get it...i think it could've been worded different. just wanted to get that out of the way..

that aside...you pulled off a lot in a somewhat short piece. cool imagery with the oven and scent of grilled onion lines...lol. thought it was gonna be one of those overly poetic love pieces from the beginning, but i like how you switched it up and finished it. well played, and good drop. props

[Just Write]

@ jdeek i meant "thats".. don't really proof read my shit. Anyways thanks for the kind words all. I will rtf promptly. Also @Exis im down to collab anytime. Send me a concept or a verse

[Split]

Cool. Liked it.

[Just Write]

Uppin' one time. Will return all feed

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Just Write

Love.. is a voidless emotion,
Ive sat here poised and toyed with the notion
That maybe it's the thought of love..
...that's poison is potent.
↑that was fucking ill .
I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost
Dude the steeze here is dope.
I don't even know how to fully articulate
And pin point what is is...perhaps wording.
Tossing and turning, yet yearning for love
A church on the hill, a silloquette of doves
Ive hugged this pillow tight, thoughts of you
on a yatcht at noon. Coffee for two
En-capsulated beauty, it's essence fulfilled
Crimson silk sheets meshed with a tinge of filth
Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic andthe scent of grilled onions

You said i feel something, i made a dirty joke
Then you returned with a wink & "yea, well i like to be choked"
Dope

I hardy spoke to you before that day of enticement
I lied to you about how marriage was priceless
She thought i was a caring gentleman, ever so nice
Til i inherited trust then embarrassed her rights
lol
A harrowing plight, decieved this angel for a piece of ass
Then casted her away like she was a piece of trash
What a brash experience. like a book keeper beating the odds
But i was delerious, in thinking how i was playing a god
To pull at ones love strings is really a shame
But hell, when it comes to love i just love playing the game.

Overall pretty dope.
Not a whole lot to critique Imo.
Everything here is more preference than anything.
You either like it or you don't. The mechanics are solid though.
I pretty much commented on the portions I liked most.


Answer ya pm's fucker lol
Stay up

[Certain]

Love.. is a voidless emotion,
Ive sat here poised and toyed with the notion
That maybe it's the thought of love..
...that's poison is potent.

I really liked this introductory stanza. The rhymes were all in the right place, even if they weren't particularly innovative. The cadence was impossible to miss. This was a bit cliché, but that is more acceptable early in a verse.

I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost
Tossing and turning, yet yearning for love
A church on the hill, a silloquette of doves
Ive hugged this pillow tight, thoughts of you
on a yatcht at noon. Coffee for two
En-capsulated beauty, it's essence fulfilled

See, here the clichés started to stack up, if only because repetition/variation really needs to be around a stronger theme than "hopeless," which is a bland poetry word abused persistently. You were playing off the trite images, and the more specific and unique ones worked better. "Coffee for two" was my favorite bit from this section, even though it broke up the rhyme pattern a little.

Crimson silk sheets meshed with a tinge of filth
Oh the sin was real, i pinned you against the steel oven
Still smell a hint of garlic andthe scent of grilled onions
You said i feel something, i made a dirty joke
Then you returned with a wink & "yea, well i like to be choked"

I didn't expect this turn. I loved "a hint of garlic and the scent of grilled onions" because it was just so fucking weird in a way. It was overtly sexually dirty. "Oh the sin was real" was a nice conversational moment before these images. The last couplet wasn't quite as strong, but this reminded me a bit of Ghostface Killah's "Wildflower."

I hardy spoke to you before that day of enticement
I lied to you about how marriage was priceless
She thought i was a caring gentleman, ever so nice
Til i inherited trust then embarrassed her rights
A harrowing plight, decieved this angel for a piece of ass
Then casted her away like she was a piece of trash
What a brash experience. like a book keeper beating the odds
But i was delerious, in thinking how i was playing a god
To pull at ones love strings is really a shame
But hell, when it comes to love i just love playing the game.

This definitely wasn't your strongest verse, but the finish was probably the biggest issue. This was a rather predictable and simplistic view of what happened, sparing us the details we crave while capping it off with a boring line about the title of the verse. The first couplet quoted had some potential about how little these two characters (presumably you and your ex-wife) rushed into things, but that was ditched too quickly to be developed, as was the betrayal. I wanted to know more, either more about the motivations or more about the specifics. You scraped the surface instead.

This piece began with a bang but fizzled as it went. It wasn't your strongest. Your word choice and rhyming are better suited to more straightforward storytelling, but testing out different formulas can only help.

[Scripter]

I thought it was good it had controversy, sex, lust and heartbreak. Everyone has their own point of view on love, usually based off your experiences in the past. I think you did a great job of capturing this perspective.

[Boredom]

...that's poison is potent.
I'm hopeless..
Hopelessly lost, hopeless in thoughts
Hopelessly hoping it was all worth the cost

that stanza was dope as fuck.

all in all dope piece, good imagery and an on point piece, aha can definitely relate to this prolly why I liked it so much. good read man, keep at it. should get atta collab @Just Write