The Alpha Male

[Saila]

The frost that lingered thick off winters grip slumps in the suns sting
a meltdown can be felt now as the Spring's sprung into full swing
Bull Finches cling to skulls singing, with wings tucked in to dull wind
alarm calls mark the dark walls of the hills hung in the wolves glimpse

For in an ear-shots distance, the pack of 'Druid Peak' lie
all filled from kill & resting next to 'Jack' - the Druids lead guy
sleek black & huge with green eyes - his stature is imposing,
a human mans hand print wunt fill where tracks of his had frozen,
his sole presence commands respect.. he rules with an iron paw
defiance buys a swipe of claws where swoops remove entire jaws
it's why he's 'law' - despite he sired all the cubs he's fighting for
he knows in time outside his prime he might be pushed aside in war
for now this titans calling is adhered to, fear through order's kept
his tail & ears stand tall, erect!! their sloped approach is called respect,
some roll to expose chests, allowing attack,
though to pounce & react would be a cowardly act
so he'll cover above em, stood stiff to look sturdy n
boldly gush piss on submissive subservients
a bite would suffice, his tough grip is blood curdling
observant cubs sit & trust this is just learning em

See - Wolf hierarchy etiquette's integral to a stable pack
but early life showed early signs the 'devil' had enabled Jack
to play-up, instigating scraps & blatantly behaving bad
he aimed to scale the ranks but it was plain it was restraint he lacked
one day his fateful dad had made a pact and planned to oust his son
he'd wait & act without his mum around to shun what's now become
a must! - he must be pushed out into exile for survivals sake
he's at that vital age, it's time to brave the wild & find a mate
his instincts hitting heightened state's precisely why a battle's worthless
hence why Jack dispersed unhurt, misguided by his natural urges
now alone, he combs tracks as a nomad and lonely recluse
until suddenly... his focus is glued on the approaching Druids - this is his moment of truth!!

[Zen]

I dig it. There were some instances that brought great imagery. The opening line is a perfect example of that. At times there were perfect usage of words and in others there wasn't. The "lead guy" rhyme seemed lazy to me and threw off the mood you had created in the opening. Besides that the flow was on point for the most part and this was pretty good writing you showcased here. Nice.

[Saila]

How you mean, lazy?

Thanks for the feed btw. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

[Lars]

I think your word choices and rhyme placement work really well, you've a solid grasp of that and it's evidently a strength of yours you can play on to great effect.

Nice first post.

Keep that pen moving!

[Ttothe2]

Classical bro.. You know that

[Zen]

Originally Posted by Saila

How you mean, lazy?

Thanks for the feed btw. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I mean when looking at the other lines and their complexity then see "lead guy" it seems very lazy.

[Saila]

It instantly tells you he is the leader , and rhymes with 'peak lie'. I was stumped for a synonym I suppose. What would you have replaced it with, that rhymes, and in 2 words tells you he is the alpha?

[Zen]

For in an ear-shots distance, the pack of 'Druid Peak' lie
all filled from kill & resting next to 'Jack' - the Druids elite prize

Idk. Who gives a fuck really.

[Saila]

But he isn't a prize. They didn't win him. If anything, he 'won' the right to lead the pack.
And 'elite' refers to a superior group or organization of people. He's neither or. Not to mention the extra syllable at the start of 'elite', fucks up the flow.

If you'd of written this, and used the replacement you just gave, I'd of fed it and said, "that nonsensical set of words you just strung together there for the sake of rhyming, ruined that bar" That's what I'd of said.
See, I don't mind constructive criticism - but being pedantic about two words you clearly can't improve on yourself - I do mind.

Thanks for (evidently) giving enough of a fuck to make it an issue though. It's greatly appreciated.

[Zen]

You don't mind constructive criticism? I don't believe you.

I picked one line that stood out as being off and pointed it out to you. Thats called constructive criticism. It's not my work to improve on which is why I don't give half a fuck if you agree with what I said about it.

Btw I lol'd at That's what I would have said. Don't know why. Probably because I'm stoned :/

[Saila]

It'd be constructive criticism if it was constructive, not negative. It was 'lazy' yet you had time to reply with an improved version, but couldn't manage it. You get the irony don't you? Good.

So yea... great

[Zen]

Actually I don't get the irony cuz I'm stoopid.

[Allen Knight]

If u can't take criticisms don't post then, this place isn't for u

[Saila]

Originally Posted by Zenland

Actually I don't get the irony cuz I'm stoopid.

Well, that goes without saying.


Allen, it's like little Johnny who got a Turtles skateboard for Christmas, telling Tony Hawk he can't skate for shit. Ya get me.

You and him are horrid. I've read shit from both of you. And 'shit' is very apt. How about I put you both in your place. I'll fuckin embarrass you, with ya dated styles. But criticism is fine, as long as you're better than me, I'll take your negative comments with a pinch of salt.

[Objective]

Since you're extremely good and a destined pro at writing I'll refrain from saying anything about your piece. Actually, I'll just refrain from coming by your pieces all together tbh.

[Hush]

Originally Posted by Saila

Well, that goes without saying.


Allen, it's like little Johnny who got a Turtles skateboard for Christmas, telling Tony Hawk he can't skate for shit. Ya get me.

You and him are horrid. I've read shit from both of you. And 'shit' is very apt. How about I put you both in your place. I'll fuckin embarrass you, with ya dated styles. But criticism is fine, as long as you're better than me, I'll take your negative comments with a pinch of salt.

Ur wack tho

[Saila]

^^^ I've read your stuff too lol do your name & keep quiet Mr 9-5 lol

Or we could battle

Objective. Sounds good to me. I don't NEED feed from you. Damn, all these silly fuckers with shitty records tryna look like they know what they're talking about. SMH. I always wondered why Netcees was known as the weakest site for writers.

I'll audio, topical, horrorcore, straight battle ANY of you faggots. It's a shame Lars is a member here. He looks so outta place.

[Hush]

Wipe Lars dna off your keyboard faggot

[Saila]

Oh I see. People are not allowed to compliment others on being way outta your league? Ok. I get it. Honesty is the best policy, right?

But I'm genuinely confused. How would his DNA be on my keyboard? I'm sure you tried to fit a joke in there somewhere didn't you? I was half expecting a tumbleweed to roll past at any minute. Shall we get that battle underway then?

[Allen Knight]

Originally Posted by Saila

Well, that goes without saying.


Allen, it's like little Johnny who got a Turtles skateboard for Christmas, telling Tony Hawk he can't skate for shit. Ya get me.

You and him are horrid. I've read shit from both of you. And 'shit' is very apt. How about I put you both in your place. I'll fuckin embarrass you, with ya dated styles. But criticism is fine, as long as you're better than me, I'll take your negative comments with a pinch of salt.

Ur trash lmaoo ur not good and this proves it, so cry me a river faggot