Intro (give feed back)

[Vapeo]

To be honest I can’t deal with the slowness, bout to give away my emotions like here
“Just hold this”, then run away from my problems and blame others like Holden,
cuz the only thing I been catching is Ls, feel hopeless.
I’m hopping on my train of thought just thinking, and all of a sudden an overwhelming urge comes limping, I’m blinking, I’m crying.
Then I’m forcing tears out my eyes, while another part of me is surprised I can still cry!
Thought I lost that ability, like I lost my mobility, I can move physically, but what about mentally?
I feel lame when I know that I’m better, my own mind’s holding me back. Its an effective fetter…

So I lash out, tryna break free of the chains, cause a chain of events, only to cause more pain
Barely accomplishing nothing, feel overwhelmed by the waves, that I made, the ripples became, big as they aged.
I feel like a slave, just a Jack of all trades. Useless! Feeling and questioning like “why was I made?”
My lemonade’s too concentrated, Life gave, too many lemons so I’m puckering up, my face.
Thought of opening up a lemonade stand, but why drink from a cup when you can drink from the can?
Now I’m feeling so cynical, “Cup half full”, yeah I used to be that man.
I’m tearing up again crying in my lemonade, oh well I don’t need a fucking stand!
Ima jump out my plane, out my comfort zone, I don’t give a fuck where I’m gonna land.

I see my haters, I say hello to them. They remind me of Salem in The Crucible
I want approval but they want my removal, til I prove to them that I’m not movable
Now I’m a fixture, they literally still sleeping on me though
Watch, when I get big money they gon come through
Girls everywhere all up on me tryna be my hoe
Then I’ll hit them with the Little Red Hen swerve oh!

I changed my flow, I changed my style up
Rewriting my life up, now with a stylus
I almost drowned under the weight of it all but
Now look at me I’m a whole mile up!

I hit the glo up, I don’t care what you think
I been almost at the brink, don’t care what life brings
I was catching Ls but now I’m steady undefeated
Floating on the wind, I’m Vapeo go repeat it.

[Pharaohs Army]

0

[UnbornBuddha]

I noticed you didn't give anyone feedback yourself. Yet you subtly demand feedback, that is not the way.
I'll give feedback in a bit. However please don't make demands for others feedback when you yourself haven't contributed.

[Vapeo]

Thanks for the Feedback.

I look forward to using it and getting better at these things

[Vapeo]

Originally Posted by UnbornBuddha

I noticed you didn't give anyone feedback yourself. Yet you subtly demand feedback, that is not the way.
I'll give feedback in a bit. However please don't make demands for others feedback when you yourself haven't contributed.

got it, buddha.

will do in the future...

[Split Eight]

To be honest I can’t deal with the slowness, bout to give away my emotions like here
“Just hold this”, then run away from my problems and blame others like Holden,
cuz the only thing I been catching is Ls, feel hopeless.

The slowness? I don't like 'cause the only thing I been catching is Ls'. Its just extra words to describe what you have already described. Also, I picked up on the 'give away my emotions/ hold this' idea, but it's kind of dumb. No one says 'give away their emotions', it seems very forced.

I’m hopping on my train of thought just thinking, and all of a sudden an overwhelming urge comes limping, I’m blinking, I’m crying.
Then I’m forcing tears out my eyes, while another part of me is surprised I can still cry!

It's generally poor practice to get melodramatic about your narrator's emotional response when you haven't gotten into the cause of the effect.


Thought I lost that ability, like I lost my mobility, I can move physically, but what about mentally?
I feel lame when I know that I’m better, my own mind’s holding me back. Its an effective fetter…
Second line does not make sense. And 'effective fetter' is awkward

So I lash out, tryna break free of the chains, cause a chain of events, only to cause more pain
Barely accomplishing nothing, feel overwhelmed by the waves, that I made, the ripples became, big as they aged.
The last portion of this is better than the first, the waves bit. Didnt like the 'chain' concept


I feel like a slave, just a Jack of all trades. Useless! Feeling and questioning like “why was I made?”
My lemonade’s too concentrated, Life gave, too many lemons so I’m puckering up, my face.
What does jack of all trades have to do with this? Lemon idea was cringey


Thought of opening up a lemonade stand, but why drink from a cup when you can drink from the can?
I like the sound of that 'why drink from a cup when you can drink from a can.' But its really corny. Your metaphors are really overstepping their bounds


Now I’m feeling so cynical, “Cup half full”, yeah I used to be that man.
I’m tearing up again crying in my lemonade, oh well I don’t need a fucking stand!
Ima jump out my plane, out my comfort zone, I don’t give a fuck where I’m gonna land.
Uninspired
I see my haters, I say hello to them. They remind me of Salem in The Crucible
awful

I want approval but they want my removal, til I prove to them that I’m not movable
I liked how this flowed

Now I’m a fixture, they literally still sleeping on me though
Watch, when I get big money they gon come through
Girls everywhere all up on me tryna be my hoe
Then I’ll hit them with the Little Red Hen swerve oh!
Nah

I changed my flow, I changed my style up
Rewriting my life up, now with a stylus
I liked this line

I almost drowned under the weight of it all but
Now look at me I’m a whole mile up!

I hit the glo up, I don’t care what you think
I been almost at the brink, don’t care what life brings
I was catching Ls but now I’m steady undefeated
Floating on the wind, I’m Vapeo go repeat it.
not feeling

I get you're new and I'm not trying to be negative, just direct. I think you're focusing on linking everything together into one cohesive whole dictate how you write. It's good to think of your piece as a unified journey or thought experiment. But it's clear when you stretch a metaphor too far, it sounds corny.

Also, you used many many words to not say anything. Which is fine.

But like, you attempted to sell a rags to riches story. And wrote about how you felt at each point. But no one else will feel that reading your stuff, if you don't give them the experience.

If you want people to feel awe at the sight of a mountain looming over an ocean, you can't cover yourself in sand and saltwater and describe it as "its awesome", right? Show don't tell


Other notes


1. You have to focus on the story you're going to tell.
The story doesn't have to sound like a plot summary of one of Aesop's Fables, you could tell a story by describing your favorite pair of shoes; but you're still telling a story. There's a conclusion you want to reach and a starting point where you begin.


2. You have to not waste words.
Every line, every image/metaphor/concept, should do something productive like:
-add clarifying information about the story, move the plot along
-set up or transition out of a rhyme scheme
-add sensory details or description

3. If a vocab word/ sentence's structure would sound out of place in everyday speech, there's a high chance it's garbage. Nothing will leave a bad taste in your reader's mouth like unnatural grammar and weird word usage

4. When you leave feedback on other people's writing, think about one thing you could learn from what you just read and try to incorporate these things into your writing. Think of everyone else's writing as good in some way. If you want good feedback, youre going to have to start leaving good feedback.

5. It kind of sounds like you're picturing J. Cole spitting your verse as you write it. It doesn't translate well to the page


Best of luck!

[Vapeo]

Originally Posted by Split Eight

I get you're new and I'm not trying to be negative, just direct. I think you're focusing on linking everything together into one cohesive whole dictate how you write. It's good to think of your piece as a unified journey or thought experiment. But it's clear when you stretch a metaphor too far, it sounds corny.

Also, you used many many words to not say anything. Which is fine.

But like, you attempted to sell a rags to riches story. And wrote about how you felt at each point. But no one else will feel that reading your stuff, if you don't give them the experience.

If you want people to feel awe at the sight of a mountain looming over an ocean, you can't cover yourself in sand and saltwater and describe it as "its awesome", right? Show don't tell


Other notes


1. You have to focus on the story you're going to tell.
The story doesn't have to sound like a plot summary of one of Aesop's Fables, you could tell a story by describing your favorite pair of shoes; but you're still telling a story. There's a conclusion you want to reach and a starting point where you begin.


2. You have to not waste words.
Every line, every image/metaphor/concept, should do something productive like:
-add clarifying information about the story, move the plot along
-set up or transition out of a rhyme scheme
-add sensory details or description

3. If a vocab word/ sentence's structure would sound out of place in everyday speech, there's a high chance it's garbage. Nothing will leave a bad taste in your reader's mouth like unnatural grammar and weird word usage

4. When you leave feedback on other people's writing, think about one thing you could learn from what you just read and try to incorporate these things into your writing. Think of everyone else's writing as good in some way. If you want good feedback, youre going to have to start leaving good feedback.

5. It kind of sounds like you're picturing J. Cole spitting your verse as you write it. It doesn't translate well to the page


Best of luck!

haha thx for the feedback

[UnbornBuddha]

Okay, the structure of the piece needs to be more aligned. The lines should be more consistent with each other, in terms of syllabic length. Some of the longer lines are overwrought and oversaturated. While one can say more with longer lines, you had a tendency to describing similar things with just different words. You could have shortened quite a number of lines and still said the same thing.
There's some nice thoughts, it is very emotional. But sometimes its oversold and it stops it from being captivating. Also your usage of slang 'cuz, tryna, etc' makes the piece read like it was written by someone in grammar school. Albeit sometimes such wording works, here it tends to bring your piece down.
I liked this thought "tryna break free of the chains, cause a chain of events", however your grammar appears a bit lacking. While not bad, it also isn't good. Mechanics help the piece read cleanly and not choppy. The transitioning inside the longer lines sometimes left me somewhat distorted. Mostly because of confusion of verbal conjugation or nominal declension . Those are my thoughts. It was decent, it wasn't bad by any means. Focus more on unraveling your thoughts, and piecing together everything more.

[Quarter O]

I thought this was coo..i agree it could use some detail in your life for us to understand why you feel the way you do. doesnt have to be indepth but it should be put out there. i thought it flowed well.cant tell really cuz this is text. A reason why i dont get why people critique someones syllabic length. You dont know how dude would spit it. Those are just your opinion of how it should sound. keep flowing tho man..you've connected with the pen in making it therapy. Rap starts from the heart. You bleed that shit on the page by expressing your feelings. Good shit!

[Mr. J]

You are a young one arent you....
I can see the newbie aura emitting off of you.
this was pretty nostalgic for the most part
the long lines of ideas that eventually fizzle
eventually you lightened up...but that wasnt until the end...
you should have started with that whole idea.
when you said chain, then went on to chain of events. lol
there is some sort of potential in there and it may shine through.
but get some practice in & shorten the lines up...
keep writing

[i single]

Yo you're good the flow here got me