Soldier of Misfortune

Malevolent · 04-26-2018, 10:57 AM

Walking down the street nd i see a dude thats beat
Defeated and he seems to be blasted with grief
Kids laugh and tease this man in his raggedy jeans
This man hasnt seen peace, he is hopeless nd weak
kids jokingly pick on this homeless freak
Ferocious attacks every week, this vet goes unoticed
a beard like moses nd frost bite has left him toeless
His prognosis? Fighting a bogus war nd opiates
Died inside, his life is torn with hopelessness
Once married with kids but diagnosed with multiple sclerosis,
Post traumatic stress disorder was just a bonus
The horrors hes seen over seas left him souless
Wife divorced him on leave, took his home nd kids without notice
Plagued with enough pain to kill a swarm of lotus's
As atrocious as it gets, he keeps a smile and good attitude
He keeps focus even though he gets screwed on a huge magnitude
He's that dude willing to give you his slacks and shoes
That man that who can tune out and have a laugh or two
Open your hand for food and Dan will starve for that afternoon
Walks avenues in the pursuit of guidance
Providing help to others fighting the same Grind 'n,
He climbing towards a way to find his kids
Sits there piloting prayers towards the sky with,
Brightness to overshadow the clouds that define him
He's writing his life in cement, Fighting with might nd defiance
He's shining, looking at the light and he begins crying
His wife nd kids find him, he's on the brink of dying
His eyes shining towards the sky with him smiling...
Why Dan? "Im climbing towards a life that's gratifying"
"My purple heart is giant, my body? Donate it to science"
"Dont feel guilty, just keep my kids healthy nd compliant"
"Im on my way to Zion and will be in peace n silence "

PancakeBrah · 04-26-2018, 12:50 PM

Walking down the street nd i see a dude thats beat
Defeated and he seems to be blasted with grief

Blasted with grief is bad wording. Would you ever say that in real life? "His mother just died, he's blasted with grief." Nah.

Kids laugh and tease this man in his raggedy jeans
This man hasnt seen peace, he is hopeless nd weak
kids jokingly pick on this homeless freak
Ferocious attacks every week, this vet goes unoticed
a beard like moses nd frost bite has left him toeless
His prognosis? Fighting a bogus war nd opiates
Died inside, his life is torn with hopelessness
Once married with kids but diagnosed with multiple sclerosis,
Post traumatic stress disorder was just a bonus
The horrors hes seen over seas left him souless
Wife divorced him on leave, took his home nd kids without notice
Plagued with enough pain to kill a swarm of lotus's

The first three lines are repetitive in both wording and content. 'This man' being used twice in the same thought is pretty weak. And lines one and three are saying the exact same thing, pointlessly. Then you say he's going unnoticed but he's not, he's being teased or whatever. 'Torn with hopelessness' has the same problem as 'blasted with grief'. Both are poorly worded and also hurt the tone of the piece. I get that you're trying to emphasize the intensity of this person's isolation and loneliness, but that's better achieved through tone as opposed to your method of just saying "he's very very very very not good right now, bros". The two lines about his past family life need to be more fleshed out. As is, they're just statements of fact that don't really land an emotional impact. PTSD as a "bonus" was the best writing in the piece so far. I think you meant to say locusts, not lotus in the last line? Plague/locust wordplay was an attempt at creativity but it was kind of nonsensical.

As atrocious as it gets, he keeps a smile and good attitude
He keeps focus even though he gets screwed on a huge magnitude

On a huge magnitude. Again, weird wording in service of a basic rhyme.

He's that dude willing to give you his slacks and shoes
That man that who can tune out and have a laugh or two

You said he was dead inside, torn with hopelessness, and blasted with grief.

Open your hand for food and Dan will starve for that afternoon
Walks avenues in the pursuit of guidance

He has no toes.

Providing help to others fighting the same Grind 'n,
He climbing towards a way to find his kids
Sits there piloting prayers towards the sky with,
Brightness to overshadow the clouds that define him

Piloting prayers is pretty good wording. The last two lines were probably the best in the piece, combining the piloting players through the sky and clouds defining him ideas, although I think you could've connected the two more cleverly.

He's writing his life in cement, Fighting with might nd defiance
He's shining, looking at the light and he begins crying
His wife nd kids find him, he's on the brink of dying
His eyes shining towards the sky with him smiling...
Why Dan? "Im climbing towards a life that's gratifying"
"My purple heart is giant, my body? Donate it to science"
"Dont feel guilty, just keep my kids healthy nd compliant"
"Im on my way to Zion and will be in peace n silence

'My purple heart is giant' is actually pretty decent characterization through dialogue, but the rest is a bit stilted. The whole -ence/-ing scheme gets pretty boring, technically.

On an overall level this is a very straightforward take on the photo. Now, not every topical has to be some crazy clever flip or idea, but if it's this straight of a shot it has to be packed with some higher level technical skill OR great phrasing OR pathos, which this piece lacked. Keep writing!

Thanks!

Malevolent · 04-26-2018, 01:08 PM

Thanks for the honest feed. I wrote this a while back and now that i look over it. you make some really good points on the wording. It comes off forced at points. Will take this into consideration next time i write. Your feed is much appreciated here.

2tripple0 · 04-26-2018, 06:45 PM

I dont know sorry good piece man i guess..... try shortening verse getting to the point a little quicker i guess get to the ending you seem fast to me with the rhymes go outt like me man like a sucker....shorten the verse.... er sumn.... and domt go looking for rhymes or focusing on rhymes i dont know why people are so interested by this stupid shit your just rhyming two words sorry man to like diss on the rhyming art but yeah this web site is kind of weird ya dig.....

04-26-2018, 10:57 AM	#1
Malevolent Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2018 Posts: 10 Rep Power: 44672	Soldier of Misfortune Walking down the street nd i see a dude thats beat Defeated and he seems to be blasted with grief Kids laugh and tease this man in his raggedy jeans This man hasnt seen peace, he is hopeless nd weak kids jokingly pick on this homeless freak Ferocious attacks every week, this vet goes unoticed a beard like moses nd frost bite has left him toeless His prognosis? Fighting a bogus war nd opiates Died inside, his life is torn with hopelessness Once married with kids but diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, Post traumatic stress disorder was just a bonus The horrors hes seen over seas left him souless Wife divorced him on leave, took his home nd kids without notice Plagued with enough pain to kill a swarm of lotus's As atrocious as it gets, he keeps a smile and good attitude He keeps focus even though he gets screwed on a huge magnitude He's that dude willing to give you his slacks and shoes That man that who can tune out and have a laugh or two Open your hand for food and Dan will starve for that afternoon Walks avenues in the pursuit of guidance Providing help to others fighting the same Grind 'n, He climbing towards a way to find his kids Sits there piloting prayers towards the sky with, Brightness to overshadow the clouds that define him He's writing his life in cement, Fighting with might nd defiance He's shining, looking at the light and he begins crying His wife nd kids find him, he's on the brink of dying His eyes shining towards the sky with him smiling... Why Dan? "Im climbing towards a life that's gratifying" "My purple heart is giant, my body? Donate it to science" "Dont feel guilty, just keep my kids healthy nd compliant" "Im on my way to Zion and will be in peace n silence "

04-26-2018, 12:50 PM	#2
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 13,052 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899406	Walking down the street nd i see a dude thats beat Defeated and he seems to be blasted with grief Blasted with grief is bad wording. Would you ever say that in real life? "His mother just died, he's blasted with grief." Nah. Kids laugh and tease this man in his raggedy jeans This man hasnt seen peace, he is hopeless nd weak kids jokingly pick on this homeless freak Ferocious attacks every week, this vet goes unoticed a beard like moses nd frost bite has left him toeless His prognosis? Fighting a bogus war nd opiates Died inside, his life is torn with hopelessness Once married with kids but diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, Post traumatic stress disorder was just a bonus The horrors hes seen over seas left him souless Wife divorced him on leave, took his home nd kids without notice Plagued with enough pain to kill a swarm of lotus's The first three lines are repetitive in both wording and content. 'This man' being used twice in the same thought is pretty weak. And lines one and three are saying the exact same thing, pointlessly. Then you say he's going unnoticed but he's not, he's being teased or whatever. 'Torn with hopelessness' has the same problem as 'blasted with grief'. Both are poorly worded and also hurt the tone of the piece. I get that you're trying to emphasize the intensity of this person's isolation and loneliness, but that's better achieved through tone as opposed to your method of just saying "he's very very very very not good right now, bros". The two lines about his past family life need to be more fleshed out. As is, they're just statements of fact that don't really land an emotional impact. PTSD as a "bonus" was the best writing in the piece so far. I think you meant to say locusts, not lotus in the last line? Plague/locust wordplay was an attempt at creativity but it was kind of nonsensical. As atrocious as it gets, he keeps a smile and good attitude He keeps focus even though he gets screwed on a huge magnitude On a huge magnitude. Again, weird wording in service of a basic rhyme. He's that dude willing to give you his slacks and shoes That man that who can tune out and have a laugh or two You said he was dead inside, torn with hopelessness, and blasted with grief. Open your hand for food and Dan will starve for that afternoon Walks avenues in the pursuit of guidance He has no toes. Providing help to others fighting the same Grind 'n, He climbing towards a way to find his kids Sits there piloting prayers towards the sky with, Brightness to overshadow the clouds that define him Piloting prayers is pretty good wording. The last two lines were probably the best in the piece, combining the piloting players through the sky and clouds defining him ideas, although I think you could've connected the two more cleverly. He's writing his life in cement, Fighting with might nd defiance He's shining, looking at the light and he begins crying His wife nd kids find him, he's on the brink of dying His eyes shining towards the sky with him smiling... Why Dan? "Im climbing towards a life that's gratifying" "My purple heart is giant, my body? Donate it to science" "Dont feel guilty, just keep my kids healthy nd compliant" "Im on my way to Zion and will be in peace n silence 'My purple heart is giant' is actually pretty decent characterization through dialogue, but the rest is a bit stilted. The whole -ence/-ing scheme gets pretty boring, technically. On an overall level this is a very straightforward take on the photo. Now, not every topical has to be some crazy clever flip or idea, but if it's this straight of a shot it has to be packed with some higher level technical skill OR great phrasing OR pathos, which this piece lacked. Keep writing! Thanks! __________________ If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me?

04-26-2018, 06:45 PM	#4
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	I dont know sorry good piece man i guess..... try shortening verse getting to the point a little quicker i guess get to the ending you seem fast to me with the rhymes go outt like me man like a sucker....shorten the verse.... er sumn.... and domt go looking for rhymes or focusing on rhymes i dont know why people are so interested by this stupid shit your just rhyming two words sorry man to like diss on the rhyming art but yeah this web site is kind of weird ya dig..... __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

04-26-2018, 01:08 PM	#3
Malevolent Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2018 Posts: 10 Rep Power: 44672	Thanks for the honest feed. I wrote this a while back and now that i look over it. you make some really good points on the wording. It comes off forced at points. Will take this into consideration next time i write. Your feed is much appreciated here.