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Old 12-12-2013, 03:19 AM   #1
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Default Playoffs Round 2: No. 1 Vulgar vs. No. 9 Diode - Diode WINS 4-3



WELCOME TO ROUND 2


Verses due: Tuesday, Dec. 17, 11:59 p.m. PT

Voting deadline: Saturday, Dec. 21, 11:59 p.m. PT

Line limits: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse.

Requirement: Vote on all three second-round battles and post links in this thread. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted.


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Good luck @Vulgar @Diode
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:16 AM   #2
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fuck this seed placement. i still love you.
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Old 12-12-2013, 08:15 PM   #3
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oopz I wanted to vote on the battles but I guess I waited til the last min.

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Old 12-19-2013, 02:22 AM   #4
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As long as I'm not a preying mantis' mate

Burgundy dungarees, assertive yet underachieved
Emerging from the summit of Crete,
A hive worker determined to find a buzz with the bees
Discovering streams free from money's impotent ways
Look at nature with unbiased eyes...a bunny's innocent gaze?
Bags of drugs in his jeans, pockets full of teen angst
At the edge of the eroding zoo - human beings should be shanked
What'd we have? A prosperous life, if people didn't litter our zen
Crimeland Springs - rivers of gin, injected guilt - ecosystem syringe
Why can't they see ayahuasca through a medicinal lens?
The spirit of Gaia could well be the self-renewing engine of men
Animal kingdoms seem to be so peaceful, thought the boy who'd seek answers
Tired of the priest's banter, he had a slingshot and carried deer antlers
The lion was the king of the jungle, he dreamed to be chancellor
He'd watch his own reflection at night in the lake - the scenery was amber
Accused of being a hippy, army recruiters barked insults at his different ways
The only blade he'd grip was grass, straight from Yahweh's Christmas tray
He said, "I'd rather be a dead termite than commit to militaristic rage"
Why play an endless game of Solitaire & work 9-to-5's forever?
I'd rather be a koala bear eating leaves or gnawing on some nectar
Call the leopards, the fog is spreading, the sky's raining Saharan embers
Gaul's successor's march with scepters in their palms to sketch us
across the frostbitten lodges and deserts, blood on polyester sweatshirts
Servitude indentured, to serpentine moons immersed in earthen creeks
phosphorescent God-projectors lurk in the murky deep; "I yearn for peace
I'd rather be raised by wolves than follow the nervous herds of sheep
I sit in the forest, National Geographic on my lap, a cheeky lad sipping brews
if I got my life's wish, I'd be a dungbeetle... still in less deep shit than you."

Last edited by Vulgar; 12-19-2013 at 02:25 AM.
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Old 12-19-2013, 02:54 AM   #5
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david wasn't ever known for winning over women
simple discourse made him lost, but their bodies made him driven
it's not that he's of superior intellect
or peak physique or financially set
he just needed a little something to make him empathize
so he could find a feeling too, preferrably between his thighs

impulse control's a fickle thing, so david found a partner
his name was james, their names both plain, but each unlike the other
into his sleeve his heart would weave a snugly fitting sweater
it guranteed he'd get the girl but it never did feel better
a hotel hound, a barfly's guy, james could get it anywhere
except alone inside his dome racked with deep despair
a chance encounter brought them here - new friends, and yet, unknowing
where that ginger broad with slackjawed grin would lead them by the morning

david rolled his eyes at v-necked men, with sport coats all the same
instead, with mullet curled just right, he spied, and sat, restrained
she entered meekly, but dressed so wildly it might have seemed unseemly
but not for auburn locks that hung aloft against her skin, so sweetly
amdist the din of dapper diners, david sat determined
to get her glance, transfix his stance, upon the porcelein urchin

lurching, david leered in her direction
unnerving, james had her full attention

there was no interest, to be clear, just a player at his favorite game
a ginger broad with slackjawed grin? another notch to close the frame
james had plans - just basic ones - effusive and effective
he'd buy her drinks and listen close to make her feel respected
she'd coyly flirt, he'd fill her thirst, with words so serendipitous
that she'd never notice as his motives turned from darling to duplicitous

when james winked across the room, his friend scowled back quite sour
but then a grin creeped from the creases of his mouth, no longer feeling dour
this change was brought out by familiar signs, from james direct to david
indicative of things to come that would leave them both quite sated
and then they came and sat there close, mere inches from our misanthrope
the misogynist, his victim fair, and david, morbid mope

then somewhere in that hallowed moment was a picture caught in time
of two men and a slackjawed grinning ginger broad

her last time seen alive.
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:15 AM   #6
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Vulgar- This was a deep dish my friend. "I wanna solve the puzzle: A socially indifferent superhippy who prefers to be closer to the exaggerations of natures halucinogens and liquor finds himself in the presence of the blind everyday people who offend him with their existence?" Maybe? Ah well, I tried. I usually try to avoid reading you because it can get pretty trying to grasp the concepts you cook up. I greatly appreciate the mellow mind fuck that this gave me and I will go have a cigarette. Good Shit.

Diode- It seems like you got tired of playing games. I liked this, although that nursery rhyme-ass cadance pissed me off lol. It was cool that you held out for the shamalan twist(I love those) and though it wasn't a huge jolt, it left me with some level of entertainment value. I thought the mood manipulation throughout your piece was cool, managing a 'shoe's on the other foot' type premise to a 'usual suspects' type deal IMO. I think the presentation could have been filled with far better schemes, but it was overall enjoyable and appreciated. Good job bro.

I have a dilemma. I feel like I'm letting Vulgar down by not grasping the gravity of his piece, but at the same time, I feel like even if I completely caught it, it wouldn't top Diode's verse conceptually (to me). That said, I'll choose what I understood and enjoyed a little more because I'm a simpleton. MVGT Diode.
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Old 12-20-2013, 03:49 AM   #7
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Vulgar: You went with a pretty straightforward character sketch here, and you were drawn to the obvious character, the guy on the left. I might have been more interested in a character sketch from this photo had it been of the girl or even the guy on the right, simply because it would have been less obvious. But sometimes choosing the easy route works out.

Quote:
As long as I'm not a preying mantis' mate

Burgundy dungarees, assertive yet underachieved
Emerging from the summit of Crete,
Between the title and the first phrase, you've ensured your audience knows which character is being laid out. That's efficient, if again predictable. I don't know that "assertive yet underachieved" fell in line with the rest of the verse. At first, I thought "summit of Crete" was in reference to a famous treaty there, but now I think that's mostly a reference to the man's Mediterranean complexion.

Quote:
A hive worker determined to find a buzz with the bees
Discovering streams free from money's impotent ways
Look at nature with unbiased eyes...a bunny's innocent gaze?
I liked the first line as a witty pun, but I think the metaphors piled up here with no discernable value toward moving the verse forward.

Quote:
Bags of drugs in his jeans, pockets full of teen angst
At the edge of the eroding zoo - human beings should be shanked
What'd we have? A prosperous life, if people didn't litter our zen
Crimeland Springs - rivers of gin, injected guilt - ecosystem syringe
The loathing comes in here, and the writing is about as strong as it gets in this verse. The first line is direct but foreboding. I love the concept of "pockets full of teen angst," too. The last two lines serve as a nuanced but brief look at how much damage we've done. Our character is disgusted by the frivolity of modern civilization but perhaps even more disgusted by the faux-disgust put up by those same people. In this way, he's entered cyclical self-loathing.

Quote:
Why can't they see ayahuasca through a medicinal lens?
The spirit of Gaia could well be the self-renewing engine of men
Animal kingdoms seem to be so peaceful, thought the boy who'd seek answers
Tired of the priest's banter, he had a slingshot and carried deer antlers
The lion was the king of the jungle, he dreamed to be chancellor
He'd watch his own reflection at night in the lake - the scenery was amber
Accused of being a hippy, army recruiters barked insults at his different ways
The only blade he'd grip was grass, straight from Yahweh's Christmas tray
He said, "I'd rather be a dead termite than commit to militaristic rage"
Why play an endless game of Solitaire & work 9-to-5's forever?
Let's chop off this large part to say that again, the writing is strong as the metaphors give us a better view of his world views. This guy seems wildly pretentious and ambitious beyond what he'd admit. He's a character now, even though you've barely touched tangible evidence of such, which is why you are so effective in your abstract sphere. I wondered if the deer antlers were a reference to the deer antler spray used by some football players, but I dismissed that. But I didn't like the penultimate line of this, as it seemed redundant and strangely worded, with the dead termite line. I'm not sure what a dead termite has to do with anything else.

Quote:
I'd rather be a koala bear eating leaves or gnawing on some nectar
Call the leopards, the fog is spreading, the sky's raining Saharan embers
Gaul's successor's march with scepters in their palms to sketch us
across the frostbitten lodges and deserts,
OK, at this point, I'm a bit lost. Let's see: koala bears are lazy, leopards can be clouded (like fog), Saharan embers would just be embers, Gaul was a holdout of the Roman Empire and we're back to deserts but also lodges. I've got nothing on how all that connects or connects to our main character, though it sounded cool.

Quote:
blood on polyester sweatshirts
Servitude indentured, to serpentine moons immersed in earthen creeks
phosphorescent God-projectors lurk in the murky deep; "I yearn for peace
I'd rather be raised by wolves than follow the nervous herds of sheep
I sit in the forest, National Geographic on my lap, a cheeky lad sipping brews
if I got my life's wish, I'd be a dungbeetle... still in less deep shit than you."
This picked it back up and gave the verse a solid cap. The character is deepened here because his distaste becomes a bit more specific to the picture again. I liked the idea of a guy reading National Geographic in the forest. Here, he's excusing his lack of game as part of a passive plan.

This verse was good, but it fell way short of great because the concept was lacking. The writing was there, but the ambition of the direction was unimpressive. You rhyme off uniique words and rhyme well and rarely force, which is both easy to take for granted and impressive. But some of the metaphors were disconnected, and the character didn't really do much of anything. His positioning in this photo was not explained, and the other two characters were ignored, at least directly.

Diode: OK, here's how I imagine this verse being told. Some bros are sitting around a campfire, and someone pulls out this picture to tell the sordid tale of a bro and his bro and their murderous run of murdering whores, especially gingers. With that tack in mind, I think this worked well as a story, but I wish you had targetted darker humor. But the writing was interesting, not totally direct but never going to lose me, and the relation to the topic was terrific.

Quote:
david wasn't ever known for winning over women
simple discourse made him lost, but their bodies made him driven
it's not that he's of superior intellect
or peak physique or financially set
he just needed a little something to make him empathize
so he could find a feeling too, preferrably between his thighs
Like Vulgar, you presented the opening line in such a way as to make clear that it was about the man on the left, even while not directly describing him. But this stanza didn't connect with me. The simple rhymes are more obvious when you use shorter lines or de-emphasize internal rhyming. Also, rhyming the last syllable in a multiple-syllable word off a single-syllable word draws the simplicity to attention. As far as setting the scene, this was a pretty basic, character-driven opener that could easily have jumped into the story to set that aspect up better. Basically, these lines weren't all that necessary, but they gave us a starting point.

Quote:
impulse control's a fickle thing, so david found a partner
his name was james, their names both plain, but each unlike the other
into his sleeve his heart would weave a snugly fitting sweater
it guranteed he'd get the girl but it never did feel better
a hotel hound, a barfly's guy, james could get it anywhere
except alone inside his dome racked with deep despair
a chance encounter brought them here - new friends, and yet, unknowing
where that ginger broad with slackjawed grin would lead them by the morning
The first line and the last two didn't quite connect. It felt throughout the verse that you weren't quite sure how the ending would go when you were writing, so you sort of hedged your bets. Again, a chunk of this verse felt unnecessary because we can see the photo. The last two lines might have sufficed, really, as the start of the story. When the image so clearly personifies its characters, unless you're going to run them counter, you don't necessarily have to describe it.

Quote:
david rolled his eyes at v-necked men, with sport coats all the same
instead, with mullet curled just right, he spied, and sat, restrained
she entered meekly, but dressed so wildly it might have seemed unseemly
but not for auburn locks that hung aloft against her skin, so sweetly
amdist the din of dapper diners, david sat determined
to get her glance, transfix his stance, upon the porcelein urchin
The last couplet was the strongest bit of writing in this verse. This was a good scene-setter, more than the previous two stanzas. The specificity of it worked well.

Quote:
lurching, david leered in her direction
unnerving, james had her full attention

there was no interest, to be clear, just a player at his favorite game
a ginger broad with slackjawed grin? another notch to close the frame
james had plans - just basic ones - effusive and effective
he'd buy her drinks and listen close to make her feel respected
she'd coyly flirt, he'd fill her thirst, with words so serendipitous
that she'd never notice as his motives turned from darling to duplicitous
The writing here was a little plain. The last line was a bit predictable, especially at this obvious turning point in the story. And I know I (along with others) beat this drum often with your verses, but it simply must be noted sometimes: The simplicity of the single-syllable rhymes really stand out. "Favorite game" is so easy to rhyme off of, that it almost seems like you avoided doing so intentionally. Also, the predictability of the internal rhyme patterns you use sort of got in the way here on that last couplet because it had sort of a syncopated feel, as though Dr. Seuss or Mother Goose were telling this story.

Quote:
when james winked across the room, his friend scowled back quite sour
but then a grin creeped from the creases of his mouth, no longer feeling dour
this change was brought out by familiar signs, from james direct to david
indicative of things to come that would leave them both quite sated
and then they came and sat there close, mere inches from our misanthrope
the misogynist, his victim fair, and david, morbid mope
There's something about the phrasing here that really seals this verse's voice, that campfire aspect. It feels almost like something passed down from generations of bros. It works, though. That's a compliment. The "his victim fair" turn of phrase was a nice touch, as was "leave them both quite sated."

Quote:
then somewhere in that hallowed moment was a picture caught in time
of two men and a slackjawed grinning ginger broad

her last time seen alive.
I think you could have developed this ending a little better throughout the verse. Had you spent a little more time developing the characters' internal affectations instead of their external actions, which we can see from the photo, this might have been a bit of a darker turn. I'm not going to call it a twist, though. And I don't hold it against you.

Ultimately, I appreciate the effort you made to bring us into the photo. I think that's what ultimately separates these two verses. Each had clear flaws in the writing, though Vulgar's was written better. But Diode showcased that knack for defining a topic with a verse that I often look for in these battles. His verse embodied the topic, while Vulgar's drew around it. Maybe it's more creative to do the latter, but I look for the former.

Vote: Diode
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Old 12-20-2013, 06:36 PM   #8
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Tough vote.

Vulgar:

This verse reminds of me of our first battle in this league but less esoteric. You captured the spirit of the character through comparisons. Instead of describing the character's motivations and character traits in concrete terms evident in the picture itself (which I would've done) you instead took a broad, abstract metaphorical approach. I thought it was well done. The writing itself was good but not as deep and intricate as I'm accustomed from you. I know you had to rush this verse after reading your posts in the Discussion thread and you could tell. Not to say the writing was bad, your rushed approach is still superior to most. The rhymes were solid to good throughout (I particularly enjoyed the section starting with 'koala bear' to 'polyester sweatshirts'). I wasn't mad at your approach as it's one I enjoy doing. You took the obvious route but gave it nuance. Enjoyable verse.

Diode:

I liked the storyline, approach, and ending. I thought you did well in giving your characters roles and the fact you basically made the girl ambiguous helped in driving in the twist ending (she's just a target, there's no empathy). You had some spots in your verse that, after reading it in full one time through, provide 'aha!' moments that point to the coming twist that the reader didn't pick up initially (impulse control, player at his favorite game, etc.) although it wasn't as present as I like in twist verses. As for the writing itself it was little basic both in terms of flow and rhyming. Like Vulgar I know you had to rush and kind of last minute this but I can only judge what's presented. Your strength is in the content with a less than top-notch use of technique and that disparity was a bit more evident in this verse.

Tough vote, like I said. Diode had a strong concept and storyline. Vulgar had a more metaphor and 'soft' approach to the topic but with stronger writing. Basically a coinflip but I just feel that Vulgar's level of writing is what will stick out in my mind when I leave the topic. Props to Diode he went neck and neck with one of the best writers on this site.

v/Vulgar
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Old 12-21-2013, 03:00 AM   #9
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/v Vulgar - you captured the essence of some underlying emotional connection i have with the world we live in, with this piece. that's how i felt about this verse. not that you completely made sense or i grasped it. just the deepest notions of nature embodied in modern man. amazing stuff. animal instinct level connection. deep writing. .. tbh you could have started here and won.
Crimeland Springs - rivers of gin, injected guilt - ecosystem syringe
enjoyed it all but "" scenery was amber could have been reworked. the lines that followed really needed to tie in with some rhyme. it would've helped the read immensely. your last twelve lines dwarve a lot of my favorite work from this season.

tbh these two kind of made my decision.......
Servitude indentured, to serpentine moons immersed in earthen creeks
phosphorescent God-projectors lurk in the murky deep; "I yearn for peace

Diode - your story read well. i feel like the third stanza was your weakest point. you've thoroughly grasped ahold of storytelling. sounded kind of gay.... when your main character david should have done something extravagent you went into this king james stuff... and it was like the dude swooped on that bitch. david got played. james got game. they formed a great serial-killer-esque team but you did not develop your twist enough my well spoken friend. ........

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Old 12-21-2013, 12:03 PM   #10
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V - I like the topic, liked the flow or at alteast. Most of it. You had some good lines, but in all honesty the vverse sort of dragged on for me. I got the jist of the verse early on and you didn't change direction at all, just kept marching.

D- mmmmm, I don't knnow myy man. In the midle youu hit har with solid writing/descripption in painting a piicture of the vixen. Other than that short stanza the entire rse was stanndard. There was nothing that stood out, not topicc/concept , flow....

Vote Vulgar. To me had the better writting, a bit more open ende while ieing topic but I don't mind that.
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Old 12-22-2013, 02:52 AM   #11
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Long story short.

Vote - Diode

Diode made it a motion picture - Vulgar made it into a Me and you aint nothing but mammals humping on tbe discovery channel music video

Tough to call

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Old 12-22-2013, 03:02 AM   #12
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Well, gentlemen, the next vote wins.
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Old 12-22-2013, 11:29 AM   #13
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no win by two rule in postseason?? Seems raw
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Old 12-22-2013, 09:54 PM   #14
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,516
Battle Record: 29-25


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- Writing Challenge League I

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very tough vote here. im gonna do a quickie and get it over with guys sorry

vulgar - it flowed better than your usual stuff. the flow was next next level. thats two levels up. the metaphors were beautiful . i really liked the piece. one of my favorites ive read from you this season BUT i dont like how you tackled the topic. you really didnt tie in the picture at all in my eyes. and thats huge minus points.

diode - the writing was basic and the flow was average at best. but you took the picture and ran with it. i think the twist at the end has been done to death BUT i honestly didnt see it coming. so kudos brother. that helped you tremendously imo. i like that you gave each of the male characters a name but not the chick. good choice.


overall- its a much better written piece that didnt hit the topic head on vs a mediocre written piece that took the topic by the horns and created a story with it. im going diode. he used what he was given imo. vulgar great verse. it just grazed the surface of the topic though and this is a topical league. more of an OM imo. drop it there and ill give more in depth feed.


vote - diode
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