03-02-2019, 08:12 AM | #1 |
Lime Life
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The Drunkard
Each day just rushes by, as it decays in a lush's eye
His fate changed, now he's got to make change - he's running dry Some would try to use a gun, but he isn't scum, just drunk and shy He begs for change, with a subtle sign claiming he's dumb and blind Above, the sky has come alive, and he hates that the sun can shine While he lays to waste, and craves the taste of some rum or wine And prays that love will find a way to save his troubled mind He waits for grace to display the rays that will break his sullen binds And the rage that he keeps encased, in case its slumber dies The drunkard spies his face in a puddle, grayed with sunken lines. He gets up, and sighs.
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He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
03-02-2019, 09:18 AM | #2 |
nok Su kow
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Ay Wit!
Poor drunky dude
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
03-02-2019, 05:19 PM | #3 |
Lime Life
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Lol how you doing man?
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He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime. |
03-06-2019, 05:48 AM | #4 |
............
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Your multies are just crazy stupid, dope man...
Stay good with it...enjoyed the read. |
03-06-2019, 06:53 AM | #5 |
Shrewd as evearthed
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I don't know if it's how I read it, but I tend to read the commas as pauses when I read text (shout outs @trap. for always badgering me about that). It tends to disturb the flow for me, actually, when reading and takes a little away from the scheming and flow because it can't build up a cadence or implied rhythm as it's read - it's almost stop/start with those pauses:
Some would try to use a gun, but he isn't scum, just drunk and shy He begs for change, with a subtle sign claiming he's dumb and blind Above, the sky has come alive, and he hates that the sun can shine While he lays to waste, and craves the taste of some rum or wine This section especially described what I mean the best. The first line, with the "but he isn't scum," makes it feel pretty long winded with those commas for pauses (even when it really isn't). The same thing happens in the third line with the "the sky has come alive" but additionally - the pause after that "Above," followed by "the sky" leaves a gap between the multies that doesn't line up perfectly for me when I read it. I mean, I can see what you're doing, but the pause is throwing it off rather than it flowing naturally. And prays that love will find a way to save his troubled mind He waits for grace to display the rays that will break his sullen binds And the rage that he keeps encased, in case its slumber dies The drunkard spies his face in a puddle, grayed with sunken lines. This section is a lot cleaner, in fairness, and reads better to me from a flow perspective. A lot better than the stop-start of the four before it. Kudos. Just my opinion, of course, for what it's worth. Keep that pen moving!
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03-06-2019, 09:32 PM | #6 |
Satan
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Lol, this was a dope piece.
A nice little piece about being drunk..I enjoyed it for what's it's worth. It's nice; with good cadence. You have good rhyme scheme and flow here; which I enjoyed. You're a good writer, and it shows. Nice one here, man. Keep writing! |
03-07-2019, 12:23 AM | #7 |
BesT™
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i actually loved this, cool little read & i felt very immersed while reading it
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04-08-2019, 06:31 AM | #8 |
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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This was pretty dope @Witty
Really solid structure, I thought the rhyme started to get stale around the 'sun can shine' point, but then you really saved it. Good little exercise, would love to see more
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