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Old 12-03-2013, 11:39 PM   #1
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Default Playoffs Round 1: No. 7 NYCSPITZ vs. No. 10 breathless - NYCSPITZ WINS 6-1



WELCOME TO ROUND 1


Verses due: Sunday, Dec. 8, 11:59 p.m. PT

Voting deadline: Wednesday, Dec. 11, 11:59 p.m. PT

Line limits: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse.

Requirement: Vote on all three first-round battles and post links in this thread. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted.


Topic

Coming of Age


Good luck, @NYCSPITZ and @breathless.
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Old 12-04-2013, 12:04 AM   #2
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Chinook

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http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=226325&postcount=9
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Old 12-04-2013, 03:12 AM   #3
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Old 12-09-2013, 11:18 PM   #4
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Che Guevara acolyte - tall and handsome, house spacious as fuck
Vancouver family man...wannabe contumacious canuck
cultured, and honestly he seemed sagacious enough
tough too - a giant's glare when he'd skate with the puck.
A small fortune off small men who sated his trust
Former fourth-round draft pick. Feeling false until his brain would erupt
Indigenous roots - confusion mutes his mind's buzzing demands
Business owning law-abider.
...shit. He felt he wasn't a man.
Homogenous homicide: Take it back to dad's rusted sedan
"Go the white man's way son...it's what your budding demands
go with the flow of this godless heathen's crushing advance
Acquiesce, assimilate. Because cunningly, chance -
lets you follow the white man
...and in your bluffing, command."
His cousin was Sam. Two wild spirits in whom nothing was planned
They met Joe the State trooper once while puffing a gram
Alcoholic reservation teens, roughing the land.
Joe was Russian. The only cop around who'd show them love when he can
"Feeling happy gentlemen?" A wry smile, drumming his hands
Hockey star slash business student, running the fam
Ignored the insults, left the huffing and puffing to dad
years later his inner abyss - torn, gushing was grand
A white man's slave who ignored the great coming he'd planned...
Bank executive, comfortable niche feelin' fairly disgraced
Climbing the wrong totem pole - masks of the Aryan race
He's alien, fake. Titan reincarnates and hyperion breaks
One day a cop came to close an account - authoritarian great
"...we done here boy??" Leaving rotting meat on vegetarian plates
He vowed then to usurp that disciplinarian's hate
Drove to State Troopers HQ, feigning a good samaritan's grace
"A woman's having a child, please don't let her ovarians break!"
Officers jogged out to his car, running at various rates
He fell back and pulled his gun, time to bury him late
A bang under the golden spruce trees - a Shakespearean place
...but realized he shot Joe. Lolling tongue, pallid Siberian face
A calmness overtook him after the split second of fear in his eyes
Family man gone fugitive disappeared in the night.
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Old 12-09-2013, 11:23 PM   #5
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What a stunning disgrace, the wrinkles of time have smothered her face.
Still, she thinks it's sublime, but her mother is shamed, and her brother's enraged.
Never one to engage in such troublesome ways... So she drinks as she grinds.
On the brink of her finding that what covers the pain just doesn't erase...
the past problems she's running away from, acting like it's not a bother.
What if she hadn't have watched her father bash her momma in her young and bold days?
Would it have had an impact? Would something have changed? No way to tell really...
Her dad was still absent as she shuddered and blamed the same old story and felt silly.

As a toddler, she was born free, dancing around may poles with friends and braiding ribbons.
Then the family fell apart, torn to pieces, as it ended she started dating women.
Not out of love, but hatred, for the feeling of men and the part they were playing in it.
This led her to the stage, acting as the one and only relation, a stranger's kinship.

The music blasted, she shook it in stride, hips swaying in time with what her youth had crafted.
Useless bastards, disgusting perverts, tossing their hard earned money up under her fur skirts.
Returning their leers with coy looks and a grin, but boy, was hers snide, crooked and dim.
But not stupid, after all she'd been through she'd got used to the matter and took it all in.

Years passed, a regular in Big Tom's club, yet always a loner, and never into drugs.
She grew loose, skin sagging and fatter, stacking bankrolls, her books had grown thick.
The owner loved her, the only other one independent and respectable, but she'd never known it.
Fears grasped her again, well aware of the imminent end and her sheltered onus.

Then it happened, backstage, she was caught off guard with an oh shit moment.
Tom grabbed her by the arm, "Damn it all, it's my last day, I know it", so she thought...
Waiting to be told she was fired, scared of retirement, just to hear the words brought notions of maturity.
With barely enough saved to make it the next couple decades to social security...
He sighed, "Well, Helen, I'm going to have to let you go...", "No!", "...but, not, it's odd... Only from your job."
"Wait, what... You know my real name?" He laughs, startled, "Yes dear, see, I'd like you to be my partner..."
"But, I clearly don't know a thing about running a business, I can't, out of fairness."
He grins, "I didn't mean it like that...Come here, I'd like to ask, for your hand in marriage."

As he kneels down, she feels the tears drown her sorrow without sadness for the first time in her life, blessed.
"Are you sure you wanna do this? I hope you're certain, Tom, the truth is, I'm quite a mess."
"It's like I said, you're my better half, something I never had, I knew it the whole time, you're perfect, I just wish that you'd fight less."
..."Well, I guess, there's something else you should know... I'm still a virgin... So I'll be needing a white dress."
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:07 PM   #6
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NYCSPITZ: Sometimes it seems like you dust off vocabulary more to prove you can than anything else. But it works with your style, particularly when you combine it with more traditional storytelling, as you did here. You developed your lead character very well, in a style that works really well in text rap form, with a combination of straightforward description, imagery and even a little flashback. A few of your rhymes were forced, particularly as the verse went on, but they were complex enough and stretched long enough that it's impressive the diction wasn't even more choppy and unnatural. I liked this approach to the topic because it spun it around a little bit but still hit it directly. This was a man who, by all of our Western values, had come of age years ago and was doing good things with his life. But his internal passion and his people's poisoned history wouldn't let him settle for the white man's ideals of success and happiness. More could have been done to set up why he snapped at that very moment, but I don't think that was the purpose of the verse, and you easily could have lost your momentum by making that choice. I probably would have had the police lay waste to our protagonist in that final scene, as I'm not sure how he would have escaped and think it would have been a fitting end to this version of a coming of age story. But you did a lot here, with the rhymes standing out as elite and everything else well above average.

breathless: When I read your first four lines, my immediate hope was you didn't attempt to keep up that rhyme scheme throughout the verse. Don't get me wrong, the scheme was impressive. But all the pauses made the writing feel choppy, and when you're pulling that many rhymes out in tight spaces, you're bound to force. But you indeed kept it up, and those problems indeed dominated the verse. The rhymes, really, were the focal point here, but there were so many awkward moments that they really took away from the content, which wasn't great to begin with. You let this difficult scheme of weaving two rhymes together with usually three (and maybe even occasionally four) in a line at a time basically dictate how this story had to be written. Phrases such as "young and bold days" and "dancing around may (many?) poles with friends and braiding ribbons" and "notions of maturity" only exist to match rhymes, and that unnatural writing made this much more difficult to read. As far as the plot itself, that virgin line at the end really did nothing for me. I get the feeling with all the ellipses that you wanted that to be a surprise, but it never hit that mark for me because it didn't seem important. So she's a virgin? Is that a surprise based on the verse? Not really. Is it important in context? Not at all. So that combined with a mostly undeveloped character swooping in to save our damsel in distress gave me a bit of a distaste, even (or, perhaps, especially) with the happily every after ending. Shortening your lines and stripping down your rhyme scheme would be a big help at the moment. There were just too many here.

Vote: NYCSPITZ
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:59 PM   #7
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NYCSPITZ:

I like what you did with the topic but the story I felt was fragmented and torn in places it shouldn't have been. Then again im a little spacy when I read it. Try using details that connect with emotions rather using just raw intelligence. I do however like how you dropped it off, means a lot more than a first glance.

Che Guevara acolyte - tall and handsome, house spacious as fuck.

Besides what I said you did well and I enjoyed the parts where I could "engage."

Viva

breathless:

The direction is prestine but honestly the execution didn't plot out how I wanted it too.

Lesbian<Stripper<Her boss Proposes Audaciously.

Did not dig the ending man. Besides that I was in tune and loved your scheme. I especially love:

Returning their leers with coy looks and a grin, but boy, was hers snide, crooked and dim.



V/ breathless.
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:42 PM   #8
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NYC:

Dope, my vote for verse of the week. The rhythm was perfect throughout this thing, I didn't slip up once in my read through. I thought the use of lengthy vocabulary was fine; you didn't overload on it instead you used it here and there and it worked. The descriptions were also on point; you didn't waste a lot of time but what you said painted a picture. The rhymes were complex and the content was top notch. You told a story with a twist but the point of the verse wasn't the plot but rather the inner machinations and motivations of your lead which were drawn well. Well done.

breathless:

This was solid. I enjoyed your set up and felt that you had some interesting schemes sprinkled throughout your verse. I particularly liked how you started your third verse by rhyming with the last line of the second, it helped with momentum and was unexpected considering you had set the precedent previously of creating new schemes at a verse break. My main problem stems from the club owner's role in the plot. You spent the majority of this verse as a sort of character sketch of which I was interested in. Then you introduce a second important character 3/4's of the way through and finish the verse off by having him marry Helen. It was all a bit jarring to me. I think you either had to keep the verse entirely about Helen, ending with a point/message, or introduce Tom earlier and give the reader some give and take and stake in the proceedings.

Good match up but NYC dropped a gem in my opinion. breathless had a good thing going but kind of lost me with his final direction. Still an enjoyable read.

v/NYC
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Old 12-11-2013, 10:02 PM   #9
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dope battle fellas.


NYC - sick verse. the flow was incredible. the multis were next level. and kept going forever. I really liked the cadence of this verse, would have been sick on a beat. the vocab was very well used imo. the storytelling felt Frank like. which is a good thing. probably one of my favorite verses ive read from anyone this whole season. you turned it up a notch for the playoffs good shit.

breathless - you stepped it up big time here. you tackled the verse straight on. went storytelling mode which I have never seen you do. at times the flow was sick, it would like go off on a string where I was like damn, then kinda go less complex for a bit. back and forth. the story itself was good and interesting but you needed to focus more on the owner and her relationship. four or six lines devoted to that aspect of this story would have worked. you could have mentioned what dynamics their relationship had. but you left that out and it kinda feels like she is marrying some guy she barely knows. which is weird. and not what I think you intended. but overall very good verse. im proud.


overall= nyc had the complexity and structure that could not be matched here. he also brought a more complete story arc than breathless. good battle fellas thanks for the reads.


vote = nyc
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Old 12-11-2013, 11:40 PM   #10
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NYCSPITZ - for me personally, contumacious and sagacious were just a stab at the less-well-read. and it hurt my start. used dictionary many times throughout. but i'm probably not your target audience so that statement was unnecessary.. anyhoo. i was searching for meaning a lot. and after i found it, i was able to enjoy the piece. still left awith a few questions as anything good should end.. but i felt like a stronger peak would've helped.

breathless- Overall, i liked this! who would have thought the ol tore up stripper would get her (presuming rich) club owner to take her on as a wife? that's pretty cool man. i enjoyed that. but seriously, that virgin throwback really needed some kind of relation to the rest of the verse. it was a helluvan abrupt way to end and honestly... it needed to be woven in there. everything else was very good though. i enjoyed the offbeat way you rhymed. i caught the rhythm on the second read.

/v NYC- i felt satisfied with his conclusion. the story felt complete. although i actually felt more relaxed reading breathless's verse, in the end, nyc came through with the more functional piece. and for that, i think he took this. hard call for me though. great battle.
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Old 12-12-2013, 01:02 AM   #11
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NYC: powerful. vocabulary for the sake of vocabulary was a little obnoxious and distracting in the beginning. we all know what you can do, but save it for when it's appropriate. sometimes you don't need to use the complicated word to get the message across, and often times it's actually less effective than the more common phrase / adjective / etc. i was disappointed in the character's decision at the end (not yours as a writer - i was invested in the character. this is a good thing!), though the "swerve" was a little obvious.. it still gave me some feels. i would have liked a little more transition time between successful business man and distraught minority murderer. i get that he snapped, but give it some background besides he liked che and his dad was unhappy with the direction his son's life took. great verse.

breathless: i agree with certain.. the lines were a lot longer than they had to be, to the point where it interrupted the flow. coupling that with experimental rhyme schemes that missed more than they landed really hurt your verse. i thought the middle was the strongest here. the precursor was a little long and not very influential to the overall story arc, could have probably skipped it altogether. the ending was very convoluted in order to get to that conclusion. i also didn't like being sucked out of a dramatic story with phrases like "oh shit moment" - casual language is fine in the right context, here it was totally out of place. you need some serious work on your dialog as well. study frank's work closely and see how he goes about providing natural language despite being in rhyme form. you have what it takes to stick around here and i hope to see you improve and persevere in season 3.

v/ nyc
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Old 12-12-2013, 02:56 AM   #12
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Breathless Verse was a little winded. Sometimes less is more. When you spend an entire 7 days writing a rhyme it becomes a diary. Your submission lacked the gusto to back up the hype surrounding your discussion thread press conference. Nycspitz, a lot of ill words. A few I have never ever read before.I swear if I read your pieces with a dictionary I'd be a few degrees more ostcivalatist. I liked this flow you had going though son that shit was ill dawg. I mean shit nininja was contumacious and a acolyte but then he would just be skating with the puck on some Aryan, authoritarian, vegetarian, Samaritan shit.

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